03/24/2023 - Kais - MM - Chapter 4 (L) - 2073 words

[kais]

Any and all feedback welcome on this cozy yet crude sapphic murder mystery

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: I didn’t get a good sense of tension/motion/plot here. Like I say in LBLs I’m guessing part of this is because it’s been a while since the last sub but even with that I think I’m a bit too disconnected from the characters. It doesn’t feel like D really accomplishes anything here, and since I’m not connected to her planning and deduction I don’t have a good feel for the cause and effect of the story. For example, Y finding the suspicious dildo feels random and to some degree unearned even though it’s a reasonable thing to happen because it’s not tied to D being proactive or figuring something out. If we’re supposed to be picking up on hints and putting things together on our own by this point I didn’t catch any of it, so ultimately I think I need more to work with here even if it’s just D telling us what she thinks about the situation.    

As I go:

Pg 1-2. I’m looking for a chapter hook and not really finding one. I’m probably just forgetting since the last sub was a while ago but it could help for D to be focusing on what she’s actually trying to accomplish here.

Pg 3. I’ll try not to keep repeating my old points but why is Y here again? She’s clearly not being helpful and I don’t remember exactly what she’s trying to get out of this either.

Pg 5-6. It’s easy to see that D is doing investigation work but I don’t get a sense of progress because I can’t really tell what she’s looking for. Maybe it’s more obvious to someone who remembers the past chapters (or to someone who isn’t ace), but I do think a good mystery should key us into the investigator’s ideas and deductions regardless.

 

[Mandamon he/him]

I didn't make any notes on this one as I read. It went quick, and nothing obviously wrong. It was light and enjoyable. However, I think @Ace of Hearts has some good points. I had a fair bit of WRS as well, since it's been a while since we read some of this.

On the tension side, maybe a restatement of the objective near the beginning? I recall the last chapter was at the warehouse, so I also lost the thread a little starting out back at a house. Even something like "it was time for my X o'clock meeting with C on Y Z."

On the hook side, There's obviously something going on with the weight of the D's, but the chapter ends before we get any further development. I assume that's coming later, but maybe D can make some guesses, even if they're wrong?

This isn't the same case with grandma, is it? I can't remember the reason she's being asked to investigate this one. A restatement of that would also help.

So basically, some clarification on deductions and goals, but overall it reads smoothly.