Today I woke up... and I forget what I was feeling. Probably tiredness. I was thinking, too. Anyway, after a bit I got a strong motivation to do things, good things, whatever. I was happy, too. And shaky. But anyway, I had that last morning too. I woke up feeling pretty bad but after a bit I felt great... for like 15 minutes. Same here (tho idk abt my wakeup mood today).

Anyway... that's useless, but now I'm just feeling tired and depressed. I slept... fine, probably an average amount, even if I stayed up kinda late... but why am I listing every detail of my life? Not every, of course... but yeah. Today, I don't feel a desire, a motivation, or even capacity to do anything. I tried getting out for a bit, but ended up not feeling good and just being on my phone not doing anything I enjoyed. I don't feel the energy or desire or anything to do anything productive, anything I enjoy. Not clean/organize, not eat (though I'm also not too opposed to it today; I ate some).

Specifically, I don't have the energy to get out, to talk to people or text people, to read, to write (though, idk... I'm writing now I guess), to watch anything on my phone (even dumb youtube crem that I've been resorting to and enjoying lately), not even listen to music, not draw, not do anything. I feel so tired, even ... staying awake or existing feels like too much effort, too draining. I don't feel comfortable, don't feel good. Recently I've been having more times where I've been happy ... or ... something, and sometimes in those I've wanted to be sad. But Ado now that I'm feeling this (which isn't... really sadness), I do not want it, because I don't feel like doing anything, I don't feel the energy, I don't feel the desire, and it the negative will outweigh any positive. I won't be able - I'm not able - to fully immerse and enjoy anything.

I also, of course, feel sick. Sigh. I think this sickness I keep mentioning is primarily guilt, or a result of it. Guilt I feel from doing something/things I either "shouldn't" or that are unproductive (which is also, usually [Ado, I really do need footnotes. But anyway I say "usually" here cuz there are some times when I feel deserving of relaxation/even "bedrot"-esque stuff], a "shouldn't."), ..yeah ...

And, basically, this means I feel it pretty often. I feel it ... and it prevents me from enjoying something. It reminds me I shouldn't be doing it, I can't enjoy it. And honestly maybe I should listen to it, at least in certain cases. I've been considering listening to it.

I just don't feel good when I do stuff, when I pass the day watching youtube or refreshing the shard or whatever it is. I don't feel good at all. I feel like... I am wasting my days away. I feel a nagging presence that can at times remind me I should/could be doing something better, reminding me of how much I either am doing it or have been, reminding me... idk.

Storms, I just want to be without my phone. Even it's presence unnerves me. It reminds me, it taunts me, it shames me. Even when I am not using it, it sits there in wait. Even if I don't use it for hours or all day, it brings me guilt to know I still have it, it reminds me of what I have done, it brings elicits fears, worries, because I know I'll most likely use it. Even if I use it for something innocuous, even if I'm just looking up a word while reading or whatever, it still brings guilt. Because I am using it, because it is present.

The problem is - for many things, for me - I do not have desire for proactive, solution-seeking, goals, actions, etc. to move forward in my betterment. If that even makes sense.

And Ado, I feel guilty.

After I post this, I hope I'll at least try something good. That will be a relief, to get off this thing. To have quiet to think, at least. Not that there's much overt noise.

And I keep questioning if my decisions are the right one- my life decisions. I decided I did not like programming/CS, and now I've been wanting to do it sometimes? (I haven't done it, but I've felt some of it in my motivations, when I am motivated and have energy.)

And Ado please please Ado I don't want to think about gender more. I haven't that much lately but Ado I don't know what anything is anymore.

Ado, I don't even have a desire for all the (day)dreams I've had over the past months and longer. I don't know what future I want, anymore. I don't want change, anymore. I don't want anything to go on, anymore. But I also don't want to bedrot, anymore.

I feel sad. I don't know if I did at the beginning of this post (I don't think I did, and I said I don't think so or smth, too), but I feel it now, I think.

I'm feeling a discomfort I've described before, too. I just want no one. I just want to cry, in frustration and... something. 

I wish I didn't feel this way, I wish everything could be okay. I wish I had either had a different life or didn't "ruin" mine. I wish I wasn't like this, wasn't like what I am, wasn't who I am, didn't feel this. I wish I knew what I actually wanted. I wish I could untangle things, separate things, thoughts. I wish living didn't feel like this.

I wish I either knew/thought less, or could be naive again, perhaps, instead of seeing every single person as "bad." I wish I could trust people, I wish everyone could be perfect. I am not saying I am perfect. Of course not. I don't wish I was perfect, because then... would I need anyone else? I want to need others, I do need others, but I can't trust others. I wish I could trust others, instead of seeing flaws that may not be there but to my mind make them "not good people." I wish existing didn't feel painful, or uncomfortable. I wish I didn't have to hide, or worry. Ado, I wish I didn't have to worry. I wish someone was perfect so I knew what was right, so I knew what to do, I wish someone had my Oathstone.

I wish I knew what I thought and what to think and anything, I wish I could forget, or at least see what others must. I wish my body felt perfect, or comfortable and not sick, I wish I didn't get shaky or hungry or dehydrated or tired or too-awake or anxious or angry or too-happy or sick because I just want things to be good, I want to be comfortable and .. or at least feel like I can live without that.

Ado I wish bodies weren't like this and didn't get damaged and sick and everything. I'm not even sick/ill, though. Hopefully.

I wish I knew what I wanted and could get it, and it didn't feel impossible and I wish I could feel good and know what it is and know things ..

I feel so clunky sometimes.

I took of my gloves and now I feel a little better. I hate myself for that. Was it not real, then? Am I now just all better, from some stupid fix that I could've done hours ago but didn't know of? What does this storming mean?

Storms, I don't know what I want... Ado it's like whiplash or something less intense but ADO storm me.

edit: i still feel tired but at least that feels better...