There's no content warnings for this entry. 

Today I woke up at noon and ate two meals (which is good) and did some stuff and overall had a pretty good day. I did a bunch of stuff downstairs instead of hiding in my room and it felt better. Maybe not perfect, but it felt much much better. A little bit less bleak. 

And I wonder, is this normal enough? Is this what it was like before? 

I need more plans of things to do to look forwards to, I think. Tomorrow is an appointment for more HRT and maybe I'll get ice cream on the way back. It doesn't need to be stressful.

My past still haunts me, yes. And there are issues I need to address that I cannot forget so easily. But it feels so... blissful to put them all aside for once.

You may notice that this entry is suspiciously not heavy. I have realized that posting about terrible things and about the cruelty of everything almost contributes to materializing it in my life. While expressing emotion is good, sometimes it can become more of a flood than a stream you can control, and it overwhelms you. And then when every waking moment is spent worrying about that, it becomes hard to do anything else. So this is a test to see if things change in a positive direction instead.

The truth is that I've known for a while that what you talk about influences how you feel. I've just never accepted that to be anything more than a cautionary note. Yet now I can see it, I can see that influence of lingering in the darkness for too long: it can make you forget about the light.

The saying "look at the bright side of things" has always seemed like a naïve statement to make because I assumed things were more complicated. And they are, as much as I can tell. There is not going to be a magical cure to the problems I face and the cure will not be just to pretend that everything is perfectly good and fine. Doing that causes problems when sustained over time. But perhaps for a day or two, it can be a relief instead. An alleviation of suffering.

A day of a perfect little primrose. 

Until it all comes crashing down.