Ok i just neeeeeddaaaaa write stuff about this ugly gross uhm wait this uncomfortable feeling

i feel like a nobody and feel like i am no one, like i have no future since i have no past, and like i am not a human being or a "normal" one or functioning one capable of being one.

I hat emyself so much and think i hate those around me even if i "shouldnt" but that doesnt matter because im pretty sure i deserve the hate they give (hehe....... abywone catch theat accidental reference..? *halfhearted falter-smile*) anyway... everything is so confusing, my identity and my life and what i want etc. who i am. I dont really have a clear picture, i question everything or just... don't because it's too much.

I either want to... get away/erase everything/avoid it/pretend it doesn't exist/make it not exist/shove it down/forget/... I just want things to *be normal.* But they can't. I feel like I've ruined my life, and maybe others have but idk, it doesn't really matter because *everything* just feels so wrong, lonely and cold, unfamiliar, sickening or distant, familiar in a bad way, reminding in a bad way, the same meaning i havent changed, idk i just yeah i just want it to be different and i want this to stop feeling so bad. maybe i want... you know? magbe you do idk

i dont know how genuinoy or deeply i feel/belive im a bad person, or how much i hate myself, but i think i do, maybe just i gotta think about it differently. I hate the choices i made and make, I hate how it feels to think back on the few things I remember and especially certain ones and also how i feel like i cant change, which especially is worse when i continue to do the same things i hate myself for or hate that i do/did. i hate my life, maybe. and as soon as i said/weote that, i got a weird feeling, a sense of "my life"? it was like my life flashed before my eyes lol but like i got an image of jothin in particular i just pictured a small blip that somehow... represntrd my life, and i just am sad right now i think. I dont know if all of this is useless and what foes it matter if it is or isnt but "my life" feels awful. God, it feels awful, miserable, sickening. It's more the feeling, myself, things in particular too, things not there, etc. I've long hated my childhood, and my past when it was/is more recent, whatever thats dumb anyway ive long been sickened by it, reminded of it, it got to the point wherre it was constant inteusive thoutghts until i talked to someone about it, but even that was only one occasion, i have never done so since and j dont know if i will? I used to get... dreams/nightmares about the other big thing, but even those have faded .. i think. Or maybe they haven't, I can't tell. I don't really remember if they have, actually yes they seem to have been replaced with a new dream/nightmare... topic. I don't know whether these are dreams or nightmares, but i guess i can ponder that. they make me feel guilty, at least the first type. i used to get them and in them it would happen again basically, i would do the thing again and feel awful cuz now yeah and id be actually so relieved when i woke up and realized everything was ok. For the newer ones, i dont know realy, its complciated? anyway... what was i even talking about.

my childhood awfulness... yay so complainy probably overwhateverthewordis, the opposeite of doenplay, ocersell, hyperbole, overstate, but really it jaut feels sickening. I have always storming hated it and both knew it would probably haunt me forever but also hoped it would like fade with time as i moved further apart and ado im making it sound like im traumatized or something and in reality i cant tell if i am or not but that doesnt matter but thought id bring it up anyway...

every time i thought or think of it (my childhood/past), i just feel like i screwed up, ruined it and my life, ...hoping no one else remembers?, living in fear they'll bring it/something up, hating every time someone talks about "memories" and all that crap about when they/i were/was younger like crap... stupid angway what im not even saying anything hereee

i think guilt is a good emotion to describe my life or myself. i think some, maybe all idk, is justified/reasonable/i actually did/am doing something bad, idk. it just casts a sickly hue over my childhood. i try or tried to avoid thinking about it and to try and live life without it being there, without thinking of it. But damn i dont know. I wish i had a childhood.

i had one, sure, we all do unless we die too young, don't we? but sometimes only in the literal sense, i think.

while there is proof of a semblence of one, i dont quite have the memories of it. i do, yes, but... not... idk. i had two friend when i was younger, pretty much. i had a few people i talked to on occasion in this age range/life period, even just like a sentence here and there (as in, counted on one hand probably). God this sounds stupid. But anyway two friends at different times. kinda arranged, kinda natural, idk. it still felt awkward, not sure how much fun it was. but idk.

i just wanna............. delete that stupid kid i was. erase it from existance, kill it, idk. by stupid i also just mean... basically asleep, i didnt know anything, was storming socially awkward and still prettty much am but less so, etc. idk. i wasnt a prrson, or not my own, and didnt know i could be or how to be one or what that meant etc. i hate myself back then, i was so storming god idk. not only the non-person aspect just othr things like what i said ealrier and whatever. sigh.

i didnt have much chances either, or maybe i did but... idk. it was weird. i dont know. i dont know what to say because idk. i dont wanna just say not my words. idk it just feels bad when i think of this and all that comes to mind or what comes to mind of what i should say is their words as if it were drilled into me, recited or something, quoted back from the textbook.

i regret being homeschooled/"homeschooled" (i dont remeber much, just literally two memories) but in all honesty maybe it wouldnt have been much different if i hadnt been. they say bullies are a thing so maybe i wouldve gotten bullied and been miserable, even more miserable than i already wasn't. i was probably the type of kid to get bullied. maybe i would've been the piece of crap i am and bullied kids too, now that i think about it. thiugh i dont know if idve been able to. idk. then i remeber that one time, god...

i cant even remember the times i was at school, in person. i can remeber a few things here and there i guess. i remember being alone and... trying, hoping, someone would come talk to me. trying like a fool to appear "cool" or... interesting, like by doing something alone and hoping someone would come over idk im stuoid. stupid stupid why am i even saying any of this.

i remember being a cremling, in a way, but that was when i wasnt doing in person school so yeah...

i remeber just following. asking waht to do, following what they did, never thinking i was allowed to actually be my own person, be independent, talk to someone they didnt tell me to or who i didnt ask if i could, god i felt i had to ask for everything, make sure. maybe thats not a bad thing but it sure feels like one. then when they start saying things like... idk i cant think of a specific ex.aple, but when they start being surprised you arent getting a new drink or food because it wasnt one you had before and that they specifically told you you could have, when...idk maybe im making crap up or some crap. and then i realize finalky i can watch a movie or something without asking them, that i can just listen to music that i find? that one still took me longer even when i knew. maybe that's normal but idk idk idk. "Wait, I can choose my own clothes? How? Since when? ...What do I like?" idk...

Yet i still feel/felt guity when i did something on my own, without telling them, maing sure, whatever. idk what im talking about

oh storms i don't know...

they used to try to get me to not say "i dont know" as much, not to say "sure" "maybe" "probably" etc. used to. hah.

..

and when theyd do something with me, id have to pretend to like it, say i had fun, when it just made me feel weird sick and depressed. they want to play a game with me and i hate it, cant wait for it to be over, dont care about it, feel sick, have to act normal so they dont think i hate them (when...), have to say it was fun and leave before they notice me depressed or notice my face or voice or whatever or eyes/gaze, have to constantly use excuses (which maybe they werent? excuses? entirely false?) of how i was tired or stressed about school, it had to be school or the other thing because anything else would be weird, "why are you depressed?"

i hated watching movies with them. sometimes i liked them, usually i just sat through them and felt uncomfortable sitting there with them. idve either prefered to watch on my own or just not watch it, especially when it was soemthing i wasnt interested in. And when they .. try to reach out or spend more time with me or show their love or something? i just feel sick, idk? ado, tchaik 6 has some mean jumpscares god almight. anyway, then id have to tell them everything and i mean oretty much everything, at least in the end, about stuff like depression or the things causing me guilt and sure itd relieve it (if i told them EVRRYTHING), but itd either come back or id feel storming weird afterwards. again. again again afain maybe theats normal i dont have a clue but just rambling about nonsesne nothingness.

i dont think i liked their love? it was weird, awkward, ...unfamilair? idk abt the last one cuz i have no nothing i know nothing ....... but yeh. and like, coming from them especially, idk. i just dont like them i dont think. and storm man, i shoukdnt but storms i do. i think. i cant tell. they're just a bjt unsettling and sickening, theyve been thete and wete there snd thy are here. why dont i want them here/there?with me, idk.?

i used to fesr their death, now do i give a damn? that okay that sounds angry but idk its a genuine question for me kinda. why does it sound not like my words.... i dont think i ever say "give a damn" god ado what is wrong with me i dint even know who i am

i used to cry and get sad at night sometimes thinking that eventually they'd die and I'd be without them. now i just think of the freedom that'd bring...

sigh

i feel like every interwaction is and was just trying to hold it together or mask or pretend and make sure i didnt say something or act in a way that made them concerned and briught attention, like a leech that doesnt leave, to me. oh, the questions. id have to brush them off, give vague answers, half truths or half lies or even complete lies at some bad points.  i couldnt tell yhem until my guilt forced me too . or, until i felt forced to by my guilt. as even a choice to breath is a choice? if that makes sense.

maybe i hust want to get away from, escape, my guitl. And the feelings of sickness, even when i dont feel or remember the sickensss feeling. 

i should be able to live normally like everythings all good and they are fine and i am fine but when i try to... feel good or act good with or sbout them, it feels wrong, maybe. or maybe afterwards? i cant tell, cant remeber.

and in truth part of the resson, or maybea main oart i have no clue what im sayin, of why i struggle or feel sick or cant or dont be my own person or do some of the things i want is because id feel guilty or like im doing something wrong and id just hate myself so much, and honestly some things are kinda not good for me to do, but... how do find the line? between doing nothing and everything, like between noyhing and bad...

sigh.

sighsighsigh my life is a sigh.

maybe everything i am, even yhe things inthink are "truly me," are just them.

i honestly just dont want to have to figure this out, dont wanna... yeah. I hate my brain and the mess ive made of it with all these false beliefs. all this stupid emotions and thoughts and actions, couldn't I have been content? all this mess and what i desperately want is opposed by their beliefs and common sense (or.. at least other beliefs?) and thoughts and everything and storms inwant therapy but even then i feel sick trying to talk about anything let alone everything, god god godddddd

until next time i guess