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Eyes (Vision)

Usseewa

Entry posted by Usseewa in Ramblings

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So... Hath thy ever stared at your page doodling unblinking for a bit , a few minutes or so or less? It was an interesting experience. I didn't quite realize I was not blinking at first, but then I did but found it easy to continue. My eyes did not burn or anything, but my vision got funky like it usually does when I do that. It was harder and harder to see the page before me, yet i kept on doodling those hearts... My vision moved and blurred and had colors and patterns, though not that intensely, just the regular. Then my eyes stabegan to bhrn so I blinked again and all became well/normal once more.

later, never mind how much (*wink*), I felt my vision and eyes to be too soft, too unfocused, it needed to be *hard,* whatever that was. I felt as if my eyes were too naturally toward an angle- that of my cocked head *and* rotated head. I tried different eye positions and different focuses, non quite right. I tried farther (or further?) things, closer things... but to not much avail until I closed my eyes which was much better-;no vision.

my eyes were too tired but used to it, so perpetually weary perhaps. the eyes feel too soft, perhaps like I can't feel them within their sockets/my skull. like they aren't mine? but oh of course they are mine but I can't feel them sliding around.

do you at all know the feeling i mean?

i don't 

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Usseewa

Usseewa Listener

Posted

Just now, Aeoryi said:

you should reach out to get some help, okay?

you gotta take care of yourself. Not doing so is effectively self harm. You have to at least try.

 

 

but im doing it on purpkse so it doesnt count

who want to be sleep depreived

why do i thrn

must be a bad reason

Aeoryi

Aeoryi Dawnsinger

Posted

29 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

but im doing it on purpkse so it doesnt count

who want to be sleep depreived

why do i thrn

must be a bad reason

it does count

Usseewa

Usseewa Listener

Posted (edited)

6 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

it does count

yeh i guess but i like telling meyself not

i lie to myself a lot i think

also

I just wanna do it.. cuz otherwise i have nothing

i cant cut anymore so i eat less or drink less or sleep less 

 

but like its not like i cant sleep i just choose not to which is weird so and not good but i want it so bad..

i want to do worse things sometimes much worse but i dont... idk if cuz i don't actually wannt to or not very easy/frwsisble

Edited by Usseewa
Aeoryi

Aeoryi Dawnsinger

Posted

1 hour ago, Usseewa said:

yeh i guess but i like telling meyself not

i lie to myself a lot i think

also

I just wanna do it.. cuz otherwise i have nothing

i cant cut anymore so i eat less or drink less or sleep less 

 

but like its not like i cant sleep i just choose not to which is weird so and not good but i want it so bad..

i want to do worse things sometimes much worse but i dont... idk if cuz i don't actually wannt to or not very easy/frwsisble

Lily/ash, I would argue that not eating, drinking or sleeping is worse for you in the long run than cutting yourself (that's not an invitation to go back to cutting btw). Like, you'll really screw things over for yourself if you continue this.

Like you're not going to feel not miserable unless you start actually taking care of yourself. If you do want to suffer for some unknown reason you really should speak to someone about that because like I said it can get bad quickly and if theres still a compulsion towards sh (of any variety!!!) then that needs to be sorted out as soon as possible. 

Usseewa

Usseewa Listener

Posted (edited)

22 hours ago, Aeoryi said:

Lily/ash, I would argue that not eating, drinking or sleeping is worse for you in the long run than cutting yourself (that's not an invitation to go back to cutting btw). Like, you'll really screw things over for yourself if you continue this.

Like you're not going to feel not miserable unless you start actually taking care of yourself. If you do want to suffer for some unknown reason you really should speak to someone about that because like I said it can get bad quickly and if theres still a compulsion towards sh (of any variety!!!) then that needs to be sorted out as soon as possible. 

firstlythanks for the name thing i dint knoe if anyone saw that

well its just that i have to report it to the therapy thing program im in if i do cut/SH and i dont like lying and it would be bad to just not get help again but also i... idk, eating/sleeping/drinking is different for me cuz... its not as bad imo but like cuz it's something i allow myself to do..? sh is unacceptable for me even when i really wanna do it again. idk why.

but i like not sleeping/sleeping less/only a little

and i like eating less (or trying...)

i like to think of how bad my body is in state even if it probably isnt that bad

oh wait this relates to something else....

uhh

but idk if i wanna share that so uhm

 

edit: so yeh i do want to suffer, im not fully sure rreason but i do.. And yeah there's sh urges and uhhhhh SI possibly breaching into suicidal behaviour

but the program knows i got sh thoughts and stuff and SI so uhm all good in da hood

but ado i need to talk about everything before it gets worse..

but like i only started sleep depriving like last week but not in earnest till like... ehat was it friday? so like its not that much time so it just feels like i didnt rraly get snything done and its all just stupid and short snd ughh

 

rdit ahain: i dont even wanna take my meds anymore but i do...

but if i stopped i eould t have to eat anything cuz i gotta eat smth eith it when i takeit at least some

Spoiler

also i mightve done something bad with suicidal action but im trying to forget it and pretend it never happened cuz i dont want it to be true or to talk abt it .

 

Edited by Usseewa
Aeoryi

Aeoryi Dawnsinger

Posted

4 hours ago, Usseewa said:

firstlythanks for the name thing i dint knoe if anyone saw that

well its just that i have to report it to the therapy thing program im in if i do cut/SH and i dont like lying and it would be bad to just not get help again but also i... idk, eating/sleeping/drinking is different for me cuz... its not as bad imo but like cuz it's something i allow myself to do..? sh is unacceptable for me even when i really wanna do it again. idk why.

but i like not sleeping/sleeping less/only a little

and i like eating less (or trying...)

i like to think of how bad my body is in state even if it probably isnt that bad

oh wait this relates to something else....

uhh

but idk if i wanna share that so uhm

No worries, I won't prod

 

4 hours ago, Usseewa said:

edit: so yeh i do want to suffer, im not fully sure rreason but i do.. And yeah there's sh urges and uhhhhh SI possibly breaching into suicidal behaviour

but the program knows i got sh thoughts and stuff and SI so uhm all good in da hood

but ado i need to talk about everything before it gets worse..

but like i only started sleep depriving like last week but not in earnest till like... ehat was it friday? so like its not that much time so it just feels like i didnt rraly get snything done and its all just stupid and short snd ughh

well yes when it feels like you *deserve* to suffer then you become inclined to want to suffer in one way or another- I mean you know how bad anorexia can get.

You can't get help if you don't try to at least meet them halfway. Find  a day where you feel concerned about the direction you're heading, and then on that day contact the service and tell them why you're concerned. 

4 hours ago, Usseewa said:

edit: so yeh i do want to suffer, im not fully sure rreason but i do.. And yeah there's sh urges and uhhhhh SI possibly breaching into suicidal behaviour

but the program knows i got sh thoughts and stuff and SI so uhm all good in da hood

but ado i need to talk about everything before it gets worse..

but like i only started sleep depriving like last week but not in earnest till like... ehat was it friday? so like its not that much time so it just feels like i didnt rraly get snything done and its all just stupid and short snd ughh

can you take them with water?

 

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