Need to Suffer

I need to suffer,

To “get better.”

I need pain,

Suffering, hardship,

I don’t need my mind,

Just pain.

I don’t need a body,

Except for pain.

Just pain,

Just suffering.

 

Want to Suffer

I want to suffer,

To not feel,

Yet feel at once.

I want to be cared for,

I want to be seen.

I want to suffer,

I want them to see,

I want them to care.

I want to scream,

I want them to hear.

I want to grow near,

Nearer the edge,

I want to fear,

I want near,

Death.

Yet I want care,

I want revival,

I want cure,

I want help,

I want saving,

I want safety,

I want help,

I want the cure,

I want the help,

I want the safety,

I want the help,

I want the cure,

I want to be saved,

I want to be helped,

I want to listen,

Listen to the urges,

I want to hurt so badly,

I want to be in so much pain,

That I can’t breathe,

So much pain,

So much blood,

That I pass out.

I want that each day.

 

Maybe I should…

To see what it’s like,

To give in, let go,

To… seek help,

To feel, to hurt.

 

Help helphelp ME.

 

OF not thaet MIND

It has changed—my thoughts.

I look back—at the words.

I am disturbed—why did I say that?

Did I mean it?

 

“Art is a Question”

The truly deep thinking occurs when asked, when prompted.

When deep, when questioned.

Profound, or even not.

All is art,

Art is question.

Answer is art,

Art: another question.

Art from art,

Questions from questions,

Thinking,

Evoked.

 

Meaning, is there?

Meaning, meant?

Meaning, fabriqued?

Meaning, none, all, any.

 

ICKSICKSICKSICKS

Sick, sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sic

Sic

Sick

I am sick

I feel sick

My body is sick

My body, sick

Me are sick.

I, sick.

Sic.

I feel sick.

I need

The cure

I need the cure

I need it

I need the cure

I don’t want to be sick

I’m not sick,

I’m not sick, not sick, not sick, not sick

I’m healthy, I’m fine I’m well I’m good I’m doing well

Not sick not sick not sick, I’m not sick…

 

Der Ang

I don’t… don’t…

It’s… it’s not… different… I…

Like… it’s… it…

No no no no

Non non non non…

 

She shakes the head of hers

Nonononono… please… no no… I… I didn’t… no…

Eyes of hers she squeezes

I didn’t… it… no… I wasn’t! no… no I don’t I can’t, I can’t!

Runs, she.

Non… It can’t… can’t… be…

Away, far, nowhere.

Wha… what… why did… why?

Forgetting, attempting.

I… couldn’t… I couldn’t… I couldn’t… I…

Nowhere nothing known, to her.

My… my… mymymymymy… mind… my mind… my… what…

She stops in the street

Where… why… what am I…?

Here, why? She thinks.

I don’t… remember. I don’t think.

Tears, why? She thinks.

I don’t… feel good…

See it, she does not.

 

友達

“Why is this so hard…”

You’ve done it before, right?

“I know I know… but it’s… it’s still… each time is…”

Hey, take a break. It’s alright, you can rest.

“Th-thanks right yeah”

 

* * *

 

It won’t help.

“I- I have to I can’t keep… I need to”

But you… you know wh—

“I know! I don’t… I need to though, it…”

“Sorry… I shouldn’t have snapped you’re my… my…”

I care about you, I want you to live, to truly live. That’s all I want.

 

Babble

Executed,

Eggs ek you ted.

Eggs, Ted?

Eggistential crycis.

Existential Psychos.

Extended Warranty.

 

You exists,

You are everywhere,

You are not where,

Not when,

You are in there.

You exist,

In the Library…

 

BU

I wanna be smart like you,

I wanna talk like you,

I wanna be able to speak,

I wanna live through the week,

I wanna be of some use,

I wanna be you.

 

Mind Broke

Strained, cracked.

Too late, too much pressure.

So much pressure…

Break, snap.

Too late, no going back.

No return, no help.

Might as well embrace it.

 

Pain Insane Blood Rain

Let it rain,

Let it rain blood.

I’m already insane,

In so much pain.

What’s some more?

I already suffer,

I already struggle,

I can barely think sometimes,

I’ve already broke,

I get sick sometimes,

I can’t handle myself,

So why stop?

Why seek help, why get better?

What’s the problem, what needs “healing”?

What is even wrong with me, I cannot tell.

I might as well continue,

Suffer some more,

It feels good.

 

And then I get sick,

And then I realize,

I wake up briefly, horror strikes,

I cannot live, so I die again,

Sleep again, fall further.

 

No use stopping,

No need for help,

Until I’m falling.

 

[Added these two, forgot to put them here initially]

Hiding

Eyes always down, hiding behind too-long bangs.

Brain on loan, too exhausted from its tasks.

Arms swinging at my side, unnatural but they won’t comply.

Sitting on a plastic chair, leaning forward, obscured by fears.

What am I afraid of, being seen? Why am I hiding, facing a screen?

I grow so tired, beginning each day unable to think, to speak,

Don’t want to eat, don’t want to be.

Please let me leave, just let me be.

Let me exist, if just to persist.

Help me escape whatever this is.

 

Unafraid… Worried?

The urge is there, do I listen?

What once I feared, is just my prison.

What once I… dismissed, is growing, it has risen.

I want to comply, it does not distress me.

It surfaces… worry; what am I doing?

Here, with life, at all?

Why did I choose this path, and should I turn back?

Before I regret it, before I’m not around to.