Depression Cure

I wanted a depression cure;

I wanted to feel.

Whether I felt, I’m not sure,

But deep down I wanted to heal.

 

I needed to escape,

Into reality.

Yet too much debate,

From my fragility.

 

That’s why I rushed,

Which led to doubts.

Yet I felt crushed,

Unsure of this route.

 

I have wanted a depression cure,

For so, so long.

A cure to my mind,

A fix, a solution,

Mending the broken.

 

I seek an end to the hardship,

An answer to the suffering,

A source I cannot identify,

A reason for my life,

There must be one, right?

 

I am living, not thriving,

It’s hard to keep trying,

Failing and dying,

Prying my mind,

Must be something to find,

 

Under the layers,

Covered by dust,

Tangled in webs,

A forgotten chest,

Remember, I must,

Outrunning the flayers.

 

Sort through this mess,

So much confusion,

Nothing makes sense,

I’m in a delusion,

Self-forced into seclusion.

 

I need a cure,

A cure for life.

I don’t need more tears,

I need life.

Yet what do I fear?

The light,

The cure.

 

Contradictions,

My mind is unlisted,

I have no access,

No fact-checks.

 

What am I writing?

Nothing delighting.

Yet is it all true?

And who are “you”?

 

I might want to die,

I know I can’t fly,

I constantly cry,

Not always knowing why.

 

What Do I Do?

Do I dare try,

Try to survive,

Survive this madness,

Madness of mine,

Mine I created,

Created in madness,

Madness of the mind,

Mind of an onion,

Onion too tangled,

Tangled like her,

Her who is me,

Me, the confused,

Confused, words reused,

Reused news,

News of myself,

Myself I don’t know,

Know not myself,

Myself, unknown,

Unknown, what is,

Is it what is,

Is it all real,

Real, meaning what,

What is reality,

Reality is fake,

Fake is my mind,

Mine controlled,

Controlled by me,

Me through others,

Others I see,

See them too much,

Much dismay,

Dismay of mine,

Mine not alone,

Alone am I,

I don’t know,

Know I do not,

Not of well mind,

Mind unraveled,

Unraveled, still tangled,

Tangled, unorderly,

Unorderly, unkempt,

Unkempt, uncared for,

For I do not care,

Care not for me,

Me, that is who,

Who are you,

You, a figment,

Figment, a product,

Product of insanity,

Insanity, prevailing,

Prevailing, unchecked,

Unchecked, let grown,

Grown without bounds,

Bounds, mind-shackles,

Mind-shackles, lifelong,

Lifelong suffering,

Suffering endured,

Endured alone,

Alone, self-induced,

Self-induced, mental torture,

Torture, what does it mean,

Mean what I say,

Say what I think,

Think, not mine,

Mine I don’t know,

Know of it,

It corrupts the words,

Words I speak,

Speak I do oddly,

Oddly I repeat,

Repeat what I say,

Say what I see,

See not the answer,

Answer elusive,

Elusive is the cure,

Cure for what?

 

Answer Sought;Questions Wrought

What I seek is an answer,

To life.

I need to know.

 

What am I?

Who am I?
 

Who is “me”?

 

Why am I like this?

What is “this”?

 

How do I proceed?

What do I need?

 

How do I live,

When I feel like I’m not?

 

What do I feel like?

What do I think?

 

What of my mind is true,

And what is of you?

 

Do I stop, continue?

Alter, seek help?

 

Is this the right path?

Is there one?

 

Is the process of learning,

Just suffering and yearning?

 

What is my mind?

What is my past?

 

What is my life?

What is left?

 

What is right?

What is true?

 

Who is I?

Is I just you?

 

Do I suffer?

Or is it not real?

 

Why do I wonder,

What I truly feel?

 

Am I happy?

Am I sad?

 

Am I depressed?

Am I glad?

 

Am I erasing,

All my progress?

 

Am I ignoring,

What must be obvious?

 

Or do I really know,

What my mind is?

 

Am I the only one who can tell,

What the inside is like in the end?

 

What am I?

I don’t feel human.

 

Who am I?

What is my purpose.

 

What am I doing?

I should do something.

 

What do I want?

Is it different from what I think?

 

Do I care,

About my wellbeing?

 

Do I dare,

Question what I’m seeing?

 

Do I listen,

To what they are speaking?

 

How do I communicate?

How do I make them understand?

 

Through speech,

Through each,

 

Word I trip over,

Word I speak.

 

How I do say,

What I don’t know?

 

How do I speak,

When I do not think?

 

How do I think,

When I fear I’m wrong?

 

How do I handle,

Constant shame?

 

How do I learn,

Stop the self-blame?

 

Can I forget,

What I do not remember?

 

Can I remember,

What I have forgotten?

 

Can I start over,

Without all these issues?

 

Can I understand,

What’s holding me captive?

 

Can I just know,

What’s true and what’s not?

 

Can I just think,

Without recursively doubting?

 

Can I just breathe?

Live in the moment?

 

Can I just live?

Can I just live?

 

Why do I Drift,

Forming a Rift?

 

Decline,

Withdraw?

 

Leave,

Self-isolate?

 

Unlove,

Grow wary?

 

Seek suffering?

Solace with solitude?

 

Lean toward the edge,

Running from the sun?

 

Stay in the shadows,

Away from the “fun”?

 

Away from the humans,

Lonely and dun?

 

Talking to My Mind

Just try it, why not?

What’s the harm, it’ll be fun!

No it won’t, no I can’t.

Yes you can, here, it’s easy!

No I can’t I won’t…

If I do then…

Why aren’t you saying it?

Why aren’t you?

Oh, don’t shift the blame to me.

Haha, you, me, what’s the difference.

 

Confused in the Mind

I am… confused.

I don’t know what to think, anymore.

I don’t know where to go, anymore.

Maybe I’m just hiding

—Scapegoating—

When really there is nothing wrong,

And everything is fine,

And I am to blame—or not, either way—

And nothing is right,

And everything is wrong.

Everything that I think, that is.

But can that be true?

And is anything?

 

Help, Undeserved?

Do I deserve to claim depression?

Is this just a feign?

 

Do I deserve to claim sadness?

 

Can I say I’m struggling,

Do I deserve to say I’m suffering?

 

Am I allowed to get help,

 

And do I deserve it?

 

If I can’t find the source?

 

Withdrawing?

Am I driving them away?

“Independence” or withdrawal?

“Freedom” or solitude?

Am I making the right choice?

When they say my life is “perfect”?