Too Much

Just a meal.

Just a meal.

Can I just eat a meal?

Clearly not.

 

I want to leave.

Won’t they please stop.

This time it’s too much.

Too loud.

Too much.

Too much.

I can’t.

I can’t.

Let me leave.

Please just stop.

Please get along.

Please stop.

Please.

Please just be quiet.

Please be nice.

I beg you.

I can’t do this.

I can’t sit here.

It’s too much.

So much.

I don’t like this.

I don’t like this at all.

Please just defuse.

Please just calm down.

Please.

You’re making me feel things.

I don’t want to.

You’re making my heart race.

When I wanted calm.

You’re making my ears scream.

When I wanted peace.

You’re making me stressed.

And I’m imprisoned.

I must leave.

Please.

Quick.

I must leave.

This is too much.

Too much.

Too much.

 

And this time I’m not numb—a blessing and a curse.

 

Aftermath

I sit here alone, away from that.

I seek comfort in music, in writing.

I seek physical comfort, wrapping myself in a soft warm fuzzy self-hug.

Stomach unsated, body still tense, I seek comfort in the aftermath.

 

Fine on the Outside

I may seem fine—uncaring, even—on the outside.

I’m not.

I may look calm, even happy.

I’m not.

 

You cannot see what is going on inside my head.

You cannot see the thoughts racing,

The intense anxiety,

The stress,

The depression,

All trapped behind an immovable mask of this cursed expression.

It can’t escape, no matter what I want.

It can leak—in the form of anger.

But it cannot escape in expression.

What is wrong with me, I hope to know soon.

 

It’s fine—I’m fine.

Everything’s fine.

But it’s not.

The mask remains.

It permits numbness.

It allows rage.

It encourages numbness.

It is numbness.

 

I’m tired of feeling trapped behind it.

I’m tired of such internal fruitless struggle at its confinement.

I’m tired of freezing up or going numb.

I’m tired of snapping when it’s too much.

I’m tired of holding it in to the point where I can’t.

I’m tired of the lump in my throat.

I’m tired of doing nothing.

Of being nothing.

 

I’m grateful for this expression.

This release, this sharing.

This outlet.

 

- Lily