M.Puddles

Thank you @kais, @Mandamon, @rdpulfer and @Robinski. As before, I appreciate your patience as I work my way thorugh this. It seemed everyone had an issue with the openeing line. I imagined it to be the fall a person makes when they fall unexpectedly...but cut short. Silvered bees-a bit of world building that I tried to incorporate and didn't seem to work. It = a faint metallic buzzing. Contub-Contubernium - It is the smalled grouping that the romans used (eight man squad). This story carries some Roman undertones throughout. It is not in common dictionaries though and I'll have to rethink how I incorporate or define the squads. @rdpulfer When you say the ending feels abrupt...You'll actually see a: # and then the story carry on from P's POV right afer. I'm curious about the POV shift near the end. I needed ot have that bit between Landon and the solider, and don't know if I need to break the scene more formally to do it. @kais regarding adjectives. In the course I just finished up wiht David Farland, he told me to target one adjective for every two nouns. Does this seem ecessive? Perhapds my counting is poor. It is hard for me target these issues with one concrete example where you find it heavy. Ah the numerals...I get my computer to read my chapters out to me...and of course it reads 3rd like third...Need to remember that. @Robinski “a Holy Knight and intermediary between the people, the Empire and the army” – there’s no mention of the bishop here. Isn’t he the intermediary between the bishop and something? In this world the Clergy is the Empire. But I probably need to bring that out better. @rdpulfer I can't really see sprites damning anyone. You might need a better action word for a sprites' curse.(unless you meant spirits all along, which makes a bit more sense). Good point. I was playing with some in world curses and this one doesn't work. @Mandamon pg 3: "Landon wasted no time"--you suddenly change from "his uncle" to "Landon" here, and don't introduce his name. Good catch. Thanks to everyone for your help this week. A bit curious now. What fantasy authors do you four read?

Page 1 I touched one, pressing it into M’s skin and running along the [MJ1] length until it sprang back into place. [MJ1]it’s length Just oblong lumps[MJ1] . Show me yours.” [MJ1]How many people their age use the word ‘oblong’? “I don’t care if they ever come,” I declared, far more confidently than I felt[MJ1] . [MJ1]Reads stronger if you stop at declared. Page 2 “Naw.” M flopped onto her back, onto a pile of silk pillows[MJ1] . [MJ1]Two ‘onto’ in one sentence. Perhaps…onto her back, and rested on a pair of silk pillows. I knew exactly what parts she was talking about, and they were parts that were making me increasingly uncomfortable as I got older[MJ1] . [MJ1]Doesn’t read as though it’s your character’s voice. “But the night before she escaped, and she[MJ1] went onto the glacier, alone [MJ1]Is this line of dialogue supposed to read like this? This interlude left me wondering why you wrote it. I decided it was to reveal the history of the kingdom/world and show a growing discomfort with your character’s body. Considering this, okay. It works but it is not as poignant as the first one you wrote which seemed to be alive and integral to the story. Page 4 Mother stepped past me without speaking, into the forest. [MJ1] [MJ1]Interesting phraising. “Mother!” I called out after her. I hadn’t seen M in weeks. I was always one chore away[MJ1] , it seemed, from her, or the palace, or any other friends I had managed to cultivate in T proper. [MJ1]Perhaps: It seemed like there was always one more chore ‘that I had to do’ before I could see M, the palace or any other friends, and I could never get it all done. I sank, deflated, onto my knees, as the wind tossed the strands of my recently cut, short black hair[MJ1] . [MJ1]Syntax feels clunky. Page 5 Tossed the strands of black hair, which I’d just cut short. She couldn’t keep me busy forever[MJ1] . [MJ1]I liked this interlude. It reveals why S and M’s relationship began to fade, and hints at why S’s mom did it. Short, sweet, and effective. Page 6 “Who are you?” a boy with the same curly black hair as me asked. His hair was the same length as mine, too, since I’d just cut it[MJ1] [MJ1]A boy with the same short curly black hair as me asked. Page 8 Someone tried to help me up but I stayed limp, preferring to watch blood drip from my arms onto the dusty mix of dirt and woodchips than say those words again[MJ1] . [MJ1]Why would S need to save the words again…Is it implied the is bully demanding it? This one worked for me again. It builds the world, and the character, and develops some reader sympathy. Overall I think these interludes are a great idea. I'm glad you've decided to sprinkle them throughout.

In an effort to build character and get to the point quicker, I decided to give this initial chapter a new go. Had to break it up. Here is part 1. Looking for anything you notice or feel I need to hear. Thank you, Matt

Going to jump out on a limb, and appologize later if I need to.

Thank you @Robinski. I found your coments insightful. Thanks as well to @kais, @industrialistDragon, @rdpulfer, @Mandamon, @Gustaf Taen. Your combined comments give me direction to what I need to go do. Got some work to do...

If I may?

[MJ1]I think you could cut these two [MJ2]Does this sentence work grammatically? Maybe you need to indicate he is guessing. You use the words ‘no doubt’ and then say he is not using the one method that would ensure there would be no doubt. [MJ1]Is this a conscious for ‘Voice’? If you are worried about word count, you could shorten it. Name/Title inspected his hand: Wrinkled but not yet liver-spotted. [MJ1]unecessary [MJ1]I see the change you make, but I think this line is missing some of its punch. She’d never been afraid like so many of the doe-eyed women who’d been intimidated by his imposing appearance… [MJ1]I’d cut ‘too’ [MJ1]Adding ‘he’d’ might make it clearer. [MJ1]scars of her life before him. [MJ1]slanted from an old break [MJ1]You should rephrase this or cut it. [MJ1]This line doesn’t work for me. [MJ1]This is a powerful line. Could you slip in a hint that he’s forgotten some of their past too? [MJ1]This could be a hint that she’d noticed his memory loss in small moments already. [MJ1]I think you can find a more powerful line here. [MJ1]Nailed it. This ending is better than the last one. I like this story. There are few places I mentioned where you can improve the impact of the lines, but all in all I enjoy it. I appreciate how your M/C loves his wife, but he reveals his flaws in the way he thinks. His overall reaction is surprise that his wife cut the Gordian Knot when she has a history of doggedly working to protect the quality of her life. I think you portray the flaws in their culture through the M/C and reveal a truth. Based on the presence of other women in a place where it seems they don’t frequent, I ‘m left wondering if others have tried other, but similar tricks to what these two are trying.

I started university at 17. Over half a lifetime ago. I can't say I had all my priorites aligned properly back then. I did enough to maintain a ensure I could get into my program (3.4 GPA) ' and didn't much care about doing more than that. I've also learned and changed a lot sincce then.

Thanks to everone that read and responded this week. Especially @Robinski, @industrialistDragon, @kais, @rdpulfer and someone named (P) who e-mailed me from the mailist. I'll figuring this out. I appreciate your support and thoughtful suggestions!

I'm working through a bit of a plateau and I appreciate your support and patience. I tried to harness everyone's feedback and retackled this chapter. Recap form the previous chapters After rescuing a young brother and sister from the Raiders, L found his nephew and apprentice (P) unconcious. Some of the briggands were killed, but many escaped. After returning home to get pached up, L gets into an argument with his wife, and then with Petro's father about (P's) Safety. In this chapter L is rustrated by these interactons and his innability to solve the mystery of the raiders. He goes to see the Sue-Vicar Bolar to report on his mission and to request special permision so that (P) can wield a weapon of his own.

Can I resubmit a new version of what I shared last week?

I enjoyed reading this chapter. I think the interlude words. It added a lot of context and increased the tension when the heir entered the scene. I flowed into the scene. There wasn't a lot here that didn't work for me. I've made a few suggestions below.

Thank you @rdpulfer and @kais. Kais, i finished my critique on your chapter tonight, but it's still in word format. I'll post it here tomorrow. Kais, I'm trying to figure out how to balance the feedback saying I have too much fat with my needs to worldbuild and introuduce imporant plot elements and settings. I'm trying to establish the locations that are goign to pop up over and over in the book. In future chapters where the action is quicker, I dont' want to take time to remind the reader what these places look like. I'm also trying to slip in the appearnce of secondary characters early so that I don't pull them out of a hat when they do something important later on. In this chapter I included a few setting elements in this chapter that are important to the plot in book 2. When you say you are only interested at P. 16 and I go back and see that it focuses on P and his training, I'm stumped. This story isn't only about P. He is one of two main protagonists, but 1/3 of the book won't discuss him or be about him at all. This story is a trilogy and book one has 14 pov characters. It's a big fat fantasy. I don't see that changing in the rewrite. Although the first draft is 340,000 words, I hope to take the scond one to the 275 000 mark. I want ot make the story as interesting as possible, but it is a story that builds momentum as it goes and I don't know how to reconcile this. I'm a bit perplexed right now.

I considered the feedback I received in my last two submissions and reordered my chapters. I hope this one will answer some of the questions that 'Kitchen Duty' raised. I tried keep to the necessities. I am seekign any feedback you feel will help. Thank you! Since it's been a while, this is the chapter that preceded this one. After rescuing a young brother and sister (changed from a sixteen year old girl) from the Raiders, L found his nephew and apprentice (P) unconcious. Some of the briggands were killed, but many escaped. After returning home to get pached up, L gets into an argument with his wife, and then with Petro's father, (M). [Since submitting the this chapter, I've changed (P's) age to 15 bordering on 16. In this chapter L is rustrated by these interactons and his innability to solve the mystery of the raiders. He goes to see the Vicar to report on his mission only to discover new problems and a complication.

If there is room, I'd like to submit. I took advice, and reworked the next chapter of my re-write completely and want to read what you all think.

Hi Robinski I liked parts of this, and overall enjoyed it. But there are few things that need attention. The first line grabbed my attention, and it didn't mesh with the feel or theme of the story. I might save that line, the way it subverts expectation for a different story. The description in the second paragraph started well, and then you lost me in the second sentence. You have the sex/slave resonance throughout. I think you wanted to flip that on its head. The progressoin of the story and how I interpret the ending suggests that you wanted to reveal a true partnership to the relationship. [He's fallen in love with her, but he's unsure if she loves him or only serves him] but you tie in too many slave resonances for me to believe it. Here are a few examples: I'm confused, and guessing at the ending. I re-read the story a handful of times hoping to find something I overlooked, but it wasn't there. I'd cut down the number of ways your protag can impress at the start, and add a line to clarify the end. Becaue of the word cap, I'd consider using contractions too. Also lines like this: have a nice flow to them, but you could shorten it. As his penis hardened, so dis his heart. There are few place like this that can buy you a few words. I hope this helps. I look forward to see what you do with this! Matt

Thank you @rdpulfer for your encouraging words. I needed a few this week. Thank you as well to @industrialistDragon, @kais, @Mandamon, and @Robinski for taking the time to plough through a rough chapter and offer me honest criticism and some good suggestions. I had to drive my family across part of the country this week and road delays due to fire reduced my writing time and the time I have for feedback but now that I'm home I will be able to catch up a little. Matt

This chapter is the follow up to last week's submission. I hope it reveals what the purpose of last week's chapter. The feedback I received for chapter three suggested they didn't like the type of conflict and that it was not pronounced enough to keep the reader's interest. I hope this section shows where the first part led. I hope to receive feedback about how I might change the first part, based on what you read in this part, and would appreciate anything that comes to mind for this second part as well. Thanks, Matt.

Page 9 Neither one had looked at the panel yet, and the hair raised on my arms. That was a fourteen hundred stone comission... Neither one spared a glance at teh panel yet, and the hair raised on my arms. Something's wrong. You don't leave a fourteen hundred sotne commission laying agaist the door... That was moer than the entire town of Thuja made in one year. Not when its value exceeded the earnings of all of Thuja in one year. They hand't come form the palace, that was now abundantly clear. They weren't from the palace. I took a step towowards the door, making sure to keep my growing unease from showing on my face. I took a step towards, trying to hide my growing undease... Page 10 I didn't need a reminder of my failiure to declare to my Mother's guild, or any other, for that matter. I didn't need to be reminded of my decision not to declare for my Mother's guild. (This line confused me on the first read though. I got it after I finished the story and re-read it...but most people only read once.) Since you're not Queensguard, why are you here? Since you're not Queensguard, who are you? My skin was too tight, all of a sudden. My skin constricted around me. I pulled back, turning to slap him, aand just as I spun around, he let go. I pulled back, turning to slap him. He let go. Page 11 The tears i was determined to not let fall streaked acrsoss my face, more evident now, likely, as they cut rivulets across my muddy cheeks. The tears streaked across my face, cutting rivulets across my muddy cheeks. Before I could get my feet under myself, thick fingers dug into my arms and I was hauled form the ground and dragged forward. Before I could stand, thick fingers dug into my arms and hauled me from the ground, dragging me forward. Their hands were wide, and their arms much stronger than my own, and when I pulled, their grips tightened. Their hands were wide, and strong. When I pulled, their grips tightened. The mist was thick in my mouth as I sucked in gapss of air. I gasped for air, thick with mist, as I tried to kick, step on, or injure the men who held me. "A master woodcutter would be worth more than a confused imitation, but we seem to be out of the first option," the taller one said. "A master woodcutter would be worth more than a confused imitation, but we seem to be out of options," the taller one said. The not-guard screamed and dropped my right arm. He screamed and I droopped my right arm. Your second last paragraph on page 11 offered too much explanation. I think you tighten this up. I couldn't think of what I should do. I'd never dealt with kidnappers. Page 12 To leave it seemed like a stupid waste... To leave it seeme like a waste Someone should have it, even just ignorant kidnappers. Someone shoulde have it, instead of leaving it to rot. Page 13 Something caught in the guard's hand--perhaps a ribbon of paper or a sheet of Mother's veneer, and then was tossed farther inside. Something caught in the guard's hand--perhaps a ribbon of paper or a sheet of Mother's veneer, and then he tossed it. You describe an explosion without describing the sound. Since a person tends to flinch, I think the primary sense should be aural for this paragraph? I had sought to leave Mother's legacy behind, but never had I dreamed it would not be there should I wish to come back. I had sought to leave Mother's legacy behind, but I never dreamed it would not be there if I chose to come back. (choose in a stronger verb than wish) Another, smaller explosion folllowed (followed is a weak verb for an explosion). I had to get away. These two would kill me from sheer idiocy otherwise. I had to get free or die from my abductor's idiocy. Page 14 The cart bumped again and I was flung to the back, close to the inserts of my manacles. I grabbed the wood frame of the cart... The cart bumped again and flung me to the back, near the inserts of my manacles. I grunted and grabbed the wood frame of the cart with... Your charafters makes a dangerous choice in the first paragraph. I think you should draw attention to it so the reader will believe it easier. Acknowledge and ease any problems with suspending disbelief. Too much filterin in the second paragraph. There as a crackling noise, hopefully too low for the reamining man ot hear as we crashed along the path. The manacles cracked. (mention how loud the bumping cart is earlier on and we have no need to mention its noise maked the crack). He had a dagger in his hand that remained pointed at me as he climbed into the cart and I pushed back. He wielded a dagger and pointed it at me as he climbed into the cart. Page 15 In the paragraph that ends at the top of the page, your character explains that their words didn't matter, and suggests the tone does. But we've already seen that the mention of certain words causes strong physiological and mental responses. I had to get away, before his words eroeded my confidence... I needed to escape, before his words shreded my confidence... Page 16 It was horrific to watch and yet, yet...a part of me coulnd't help but be proud. It was horrific to watch and yet...I felt pride. The novelty had worn off... The novelty wore off... It was best for him to think I was too afraid to bold and let the pigment run its course well away from my own skin. It was best for him to think I was too afraid to bold while the pigment ran its course well away form me. He was...he melting... He was...melting... I had thtought my heart might stop pounding once the man was down, I thought my heart might stop pounding once the man dropped... Page 17 He was curled up on on his side like a bug... He lay curled on his side like a bug His noises became throaty, like he was gagging on his... His noises became throaty, like he gagged on hs own.... Page 18 But mt thoughts wouldn't be still. But my thoughts wouldn't rest. In recap: I craved names as I read your chapter. You get by without using them, but I really wanted somethign to root the characters with. You have used too many weak verbs. Make the writing pop by chaing the 'could have', 'had done', and 'would do', and other 'to be' verbs to something more active. The actions scenes worked, but the pace slowed down at times when I don't think they needed too. You ignore sound too often. Starting paragraphs with kinetic actions, followed by sounds and then adding something visual is a hypnotic patter that will improve your blocking I think. Pat raced through the doorway and covered his ears. Jasmine's new amplifier filled the room with deafening feedback that sent him scurrying down the hall. When he reached his room he gaped at the sight of his dresser drawers flung to the floor as though he'd been robbed. When he noticed the empty bubblegum wrappers trailing to his closet along, he wailed. There was no doubtiing the return of the bubble gum monster! (Sorry my son asks me for stories all the time and I coulnd't resist the opportunity to plant one on the screen).

If there is room, I'd like to post the follow up to this week's chapter.

The tall one glared and rubbed at his nose. His eyes were still squinted, whether form the wind or the odor, I didn't know. The tall one glard at me with squinted eyes. Page 5 The description of the table threw me. Is the streak going down the leg, or across teh surface? Page 6 You would benefit by adding more audio into these paragraphs. Page 7 A woodcutter was not... I wasn't a woodcutter and I wasn't a duaghter. (Too many uses of 'was'. One in the first three sentences of the 2nd paragraph). That was my contribution. My contribution. The queen had wanted a parrot The queen's order specfied a parrot We had delivered. We delievered. ...that was mine alone, and it woudl get men an alchemical apprenticeship. ...that was mine alone, and it would earn me an alchemical apprenticeship. ...but it had snagged halfway through when the bottom of the door hit the ground below. ...but the door snagged halfway when its bottom caught the ground below. It was simple swelling Wood swelled. Page 8 Yet they'd not even reasoned... The guardsmen didn't think of simply lifting the door... Queensguard were much better educated Queensguard should know better. They weren't quite right and I didn't care... They weren't quite right and it bothered me. The cool, damp air would help air out the house and would keep the... THe cool, damp air would air out the house and keep the... I pulled enough of the cloth off so the two guards... I pulled enough of the cloth so the guards... Cut this: "It was best to them on their way, Queensguard or not." More anger and outrage needed in the last paragraph (Queensguar, however, no longer...) (ok, I'm going to break here. Not feeling well. I'll try to add the rest tomorrow. )

uc I'll make numerous suggestions. Like before, you won't use all of them. Hopefully some are helpful. Before I list them, I want to bring attention to your use of 'would', 'had', 'would', 'could', and 'was' and 'as'. Your are choosing to use weak verbs too often. You need to use sound more. People resonate with sight first, then sound 2nd. I like your use of smell, but you will connect with readers more if you add sounds more often. Page 1 Can you love joy? I'm not sure. I'd been distilling the solvent for the past three days and that horrible dead fish smell was never going ot come out of the woodwork. I'd been distilling the solve for three days and feared the dead fish odor would permeate the woodwork permanantly. Mother would have a fit, but then again, Mother was weeks late returning home. Mother would throw a fit when she returned, she was three weeks late already. I wasn't going to let abesentmindedness keep me from the alchemical guild fair. Her absentmindededness wouldn't keep me from the alchemical guild fair. I'd been trying to attend since I was fourteen. I'd wanted to attend since I turned fourteen. Now, eleven years later, I was going. (How does the alchemist try to attend? Did something prevent it? The sentnece is vague). What kind of wood floor did the alchemist create? You specify trees all the time, I think this would keep it consistent with the woodworkng family background. I removed a thin branch from my basket and took.... I removed a thin branch from my collection basket and took... Page 2 I turned and burrowed my face into my shoulder, wiping the tears away. I tunred and burrowed my face into my shoulder and wiped my tears. Other solvents, like alcohols, were much less caustic, but they had no effect on the fungi I used, or at least not the affect I sought. Other solvents, like alcohols, were less caustic, but they didn't affect the fung I used. ...it was magical, almost, except, this was alcheymy not withcraft, and I wasn't bumbling. -magic is an odd word choice since your character makes such a point of not being a witch. ...seeped form them into the solvent and expanded outwards in concentric rings. ...seeped from them into the solvent and spread outward in concentric rings. The color slowly droppd down, unitl the liquid... The color slowly seeped, until the liquid... I waited, still hardly daring to breathe. I waited, barely breathing. I carried the extract to the windowsill, opened the pane I carried the extract to the windowsill, slid opent the pane Tomorrow I would leave the woodcutting guild and would finally, finally, get to be an alchemist. Too repetitive and uneceassary. I would get a contract, then I would leave. I would get a contrat, and then leave. Page 3 I would not spend another year bound to this wooden house, with its wooden tools, stuck within a simplistic wooden trade, any longer. (If you read the sentence and remove the clauses, it doesn't make sense: I would not spend another year bound to this wooden house, any longer.) At this hour? They were in for a rude surprise, the idiots. If they were here for me, it was because the villagers had a clear misunderstanding of what alchemy entailed. At this hour? They were in for a rude surprise, The idiots. If they were sought me, the villagers misunderstood what alchemy entailed. I'd move the sentence: "I had no potions to offer them." to the end of the paragraph. ... , I still would not have been party to their childist love of magic. ..., I sitll wold not suppor their childist love of magic. There was another option, however, one that I liked even less. There was another option, however, one I liked even less. Contracs were coming due that I had no ability ot fulfilll, and her clients were not ones who tollerated delays well. Contracs were coming due that I had no ability ot fulfilll, and her clients were not ones who tollerated delays. Mother took these walkabouts yearly, but she was usually back well before the fair. Mother took these walkabouts yearly, but she usually returned before the fair. This time she was two weeks late, and there was now a constant stream of people banging at my door. I hated people... This time she was two weeks late, and the constant banging at the door disrupted my work. That was the best part about laboratories. (I can't belive that she likes this part the best. Maybe a perk, but the best?) I longed for laboratories where people didn't yell or bang around or make asinine commetns about potions and spells when you were just extracting things. People didn't tend to talk in laboratories, either, which meant fewer snide comments and thinly veiled jabs about what one wore, or how one acted. People didn't tend to talk in laboratories, either, which meant not hearing snide comments and thinly veiled jabs about what I wore, or how I acted. A breeze came in first and blew mist right at my face. A breeze came in first and blew mist in my face. Page 4 Move the sentence: "They were sloppy, for Queensguard..." to the place right before: "The short one was in no better shape, and muddy too... I'd also suggest cutting: although I wasn't surprised to see them. The taller guard moved to step into the house, flipping a layer of long wet hair over his shoulder as he did so. The taller guard moved to step into the house, flipping a layer of long wet hair over his shoulder. The smell must have hit him right then, as he stepped back into his partner... The smell must have hit him right then, because he backed into his partner. The taller sneezed, then spat, and then sneezed again. The taller sneezed, then spat, and then sneezed again. For Queensguard, I was decidedly unimpressed. For Queensguard, I was unimpressed. They were uneducated for Queensguard. They were uneducated. (So I am going to post this here as the page won't let me hit return anymore)

Thanks to everyone. I laughed the image of bread permeating the air in a literal sense and the idea of cow stealing something (it should have read 'crow'). I'm reading a consisten feedback: The chapter is written well, but meanders and takes too long to introduce meaningful conflict. The MC lacks personality and requires more internal dialogue to help the reader connect to him There is information missing. In particular: How much time elapsed between the last chapter and this one Why does it matter if Petro doesn't get to work in the kitchens Who is Kethar and why is he in the kitchens (related to what Servicers are) There are syntax and grammer issues. To recap: The first draft of this story is over 1300 pages. Too long. It has 17 POV characters. This was the first thing I've written. It's long and I learned as I went. In this draft I'm trying to codense may of the backstory chapters I wrote for my characters into meaningful events that reveal who they are, share the world and introduce conflict sooner. Chapter 1 introduces the villains and the true antagnoist. Chapter 2 introduces the MC in Petro. I try to establish my promises to the reader in the first two chapters. Chapter 3 brings us forward a few years and is meant to show a naive kid that follows the rules, build a bit of the world (servicers) and introduce an intial contagonist (Kethar) and conflict. It introduces Bernike and Jaimar who become central characters and good friends. The second part of this chapter contains a training scene with Uncle. During this scene Petro assembles a plan to get him back inot the kitchen proper while Uncle Landon is set upon a quest that affects Petro's plans. I'm open to rewriting this chapter. I just don't know how to do it yet. I think I'll submit the 2nd half of the chapter next week, and see if you have any advice. Thanks again to the time and effort you made to this chapter. Matt

I'm back after a hiatus. I'm looking for anything that comes to your mind. I apprecaite your time, thank you. Matt

Hello. After a break, I'm back at writing and I need feedback to calibrate what I'm doing. May I submit for Monday?