jParker

This is the first chapter in my first novel of a planned series. I look forward to hearing from you all.

I'd like to submit on Monday as well.

I hate to be an echo, but Tracer and Carcinios have really hit the nail on the head. I too was confused why a mantis was representing the ants (are there mercenary bugs in this world?) but the fight scene worked for me, even if it was a little clumsy--the detailing of which arm did what was necessary but did lessen my interest. The ant king didn't make any sense to me; I only have an elementary knowledge of the insect world, but aren't ants largely matriarchal, with a smattering of males for breeding? And "then he died" almost lost me entirely. It didn't work for Bram Stoker--why would it work for you? Honestly, I thought it was a pretty cool story. If I hadn't gotten the feeling that it was a gritty reboot of A Bug's Life (something which has been done to death over the past decade), I would have loved it.

I'd like to say it was the whole wiseass supernatural detective thing, but if I'm being honest, that wasn't it. It was the feel of it, the tone, a sort of je ne se quais that hit me from the first sentence.

I'm afraid I'm going to be echoing Tracer a bit. Especially with the "I'll read Chapter Two later" bit. Names work, Cog doesn't. Steamtown feels a bit cheap. Grammar is frustrating. Sentences and paragraphs are painfully long. Want more imagery of the gun. But the thing that stands out to me is how much it feels like a Dresden Files copycat. The first line hit me and I had to check that it wasn't Jim Butcher. And as it stands, that's going to be your biggest challenge with the story. Dresden Files + steampunk + Harry Potter (elves, changelings? I'm not a regular steampunk reader, but that doesn't seem to be par for the course) =/= success. You've got to stand out in some way and I'm just not seeing it. On the bright side, there's also a bit of a Turner & Hooch feel which almost completely redeems it.

Where to begin... On the plus side, I think this has really cool potential. I'd love to read the story once it's done; hell, I'd probably buy it. Cool plot, decent characters, plenty of room for twists. You haven't really limited yourself the way some sci-fi writers do by creating a fixed time or hard-tech without sufficient research. All in all, incredibly promising. But that name has got to go. I thought I was jumping into a Mistborn knockoff, not a VR heist. Paladin has too many fantasy connotations for it to be viable as a final title (if you want it to sell well). Also, I'm not entirely sure it would work as a novel without major additions in subplots; I could see it being reasonably concluded (without a bunch of padding) in under 100 pages; in under 20, you managed to introduce all the characters and get a solid bite into Act 2 (using a 5 Act structure). On a personal note, your paragraphs are pretty long for my taste; I found it easy to zone out and start skimming. Once that starts happening, you've lost your reader. Honestly, a solid editing pass--refining sentences and paragraphs, eliminating the chaff--could fix most of my qualms. I look forward to the next installment. Oh and if the ending twist is they get double-crossed by the client, I'm so rage-quitting.

Both. I honestly fell in love with her during Legacy of the Force, then branched out to her Republic Commando and Wess'har stuff.

Hey gang, looks like I'm the newest member of RE. Name's Jake and I've only been writing for about a year or so--between work and university I don't get as much time to do it as I'd like. Honestly, I don't much care about being published; I just enjoy writing and want to get better at, as well as helping aspiring authors succeed. Favorite authors: hands down Rothfuss, followed by Peter S. Beagle, Karen Traviss, Brian Hooker and Chaucer. Honestly, does Sanderson even need mentioning at this point?

I guess I'll be the one to harsh your buzz. For a first work, it's pretty good, but it needs work. Disclaimer: After reading Carcinios' comments, I may not be your target audience, so take the following with a grain of salt. You straight up lost me in the first paragraph of Chapter One. No action, no drama, no mystery. I can tell you were trying to create that, but I was sorely tempted to just move on down the line. A lot of Chapter One felt like it didn't work for the same reasons: I didn't get a character to attach to until page 3 and he didn't get a name until the next page. Why are we supposed to care about 3-Mac? Why are his struggles relatable to a reader? He's clearly supposed to be an important part of the story, but we didn't get a hint of that until the end of the chapter. Chapter Two, in my opinion, worked much better. Rain is obviously a likable person, even though we get so little character exposition, as are Adria and Tim. However, like Carcinios said, you really go overboard on the details. Furthermore, the mystery exposition in dialogue regarding the machine's dominant status in society feels Matrix: Revolution clumsy. Add to that the inconsistent verb tenses and apostrophe misuse and I'm not really sure about it. However, I do like the potential of the story. It's clearly going to be something cool once you get the craft of writing worked out. In terms of a first work, the plot seems fairly original, which is rarer than a unicorn fighting a T-Rex. Please, please, please don't trunk this story. I really want to see it finished.

Very well done sir. I have only one issue with it: Sabine's mixing a velvet dress with silk gloves. No woman would be that oblivious of fashion. Other than that, it's spectacular. I look forward to Part 2.

Very cool take on the Medusa myth. I liked it a lot. The only change I would like to see is an elimination of the he/it--it's awkward and clunky. Either Melissa sees him as still human or she doesn't (and since she's the viewpoint, it's the only thing that matters).

Preface: I have not yet read the previous installments, so any comments that would be addressed by earlier text are to be ignored. Chapter Nine: A pretty solid chapter as a whole, though a few minor things bother me. The narration style seems like a semi-omniscient viewpoint; it was kind of jarring to realize that Dimas is the viewpoint character ("whispered something that Dimas couldn't hear over the hissing of the humidifier"). You never really get inside his head about anything, never hear his thoughts or concerns. However, I really do like that line as a reminder that the hero doesn't know everything. Also, the scene between Dimas and Thais seems awkward at best. The attempted sex then Thais giving up on it to talk about her father--it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. The dialogue between them is reminiscent of the Star Wars prequels: two characters, sitting, talking, shot-reverse shot. There's no tension, no drama. People don't just sit calmly and chat when they have the kind of conversation Thais and Dimas have; they gesticulate, they move around, they're expressive. Least importantly, the grammar could use some tightening. A lot of questions, particularly in the dialogue between Thais and the doctor, are ended as statements. It's minor, but it changes the tone. Chapter Ten You asked for breaking suspension-of-disbelief: Indo-Pak League completely shattered it. The kind of tensions between India and Pakistan are insane (see: history of Kashmir); for them to shift from being mortal enemies to allies strikes me as immensely implausible. Additionally, Jimmy seems like a poor fusion of two characters: the low-life gangster and the classy mob boss--he moves between the two archetypes in his speech and it really breaks the tension of the scene. Also, really? Creole becoming a major language? Doubtful. [unless you mean creoles of previously existing languages and it is simply called "Creole".] Finally, I feel like that the prototype waking up and communicating could be really, incredibly amazing. It's reminiscent of early Lost, when every other scene was a world-breaking revelation. But instead I just walk away with, "Huh. That's weird." Why is this scene significant?

I normally hate to be an echo, but the previous posters are right: cool concept, solid prose, poor execution. For starters, the characterization feels all wrong. They obviously have great potential, but they need to be clarified and distinguished. Montague is presumably an expert in his magic, he likely knew the effects eating Isabelle's joy would have (i.e. her suicide); why would he be so offended at being gipped--by the *king*--as to choose that form of revenge. If it's a matter of narcissism, that should be made a bit more evident. Similarly, Isabelle's POV reads like something of an adolescent, maybe 16 or 17, rather than a young girl (8-10?). Her vocabulary is too well-established, her logic and reasoning far too mature. Suicide is something even adults struggle to understand. How much more so a child? However, I do like Etienne's "business with Helene". Nobility rarely, if ever, married for love and so it's likely that what he felt for her was like what we feel for a favored coworker. However, he is the king. He's got a lot on his plate; getting some pastries, no matter how delicious, are not likely to be foremost in his mind. I wish I could give more helpful direction on revising his sections, but I'm afraid I don't know what direction it needs to be taken. Last, but not least, slow down. The whole thing feels very rushed. Don't be afraid of foreplay, of easing into the story, exploring the characters while still foreshadowing that climax--which I love, it just needs to be foreshadowed more often and more subtly.

I guess I'll get the discussion going. Honestly, I'm not sure what this story is supposed to be about. It flits about from theme to theme without consistently focusing on one. Is it about stories and their telling? Because a few flashes of terror don't really convey that. Is it about a desire to learn secrets ("Will you take me as your apprentice?")? Because that's barely touched upon and only on the last page. Go back to your outline, if you have one (some people prefer them, others don't--whatever), and try and discern what exactly you're trying to do. In addition, the characterization needs work. No self-respecting gleeman, to borrow Jordan's term, would say "I hope you like it." He knows they'll like it. He makes his living by telling tales people not only like, but love; otherwise he wouldn't be very good at what he does. And frankly, the reasons for character actions don't seem particularly clear. The (presumably rural) crowd just saw one of their own go through a horrifying ordeal; they'd be more likely to burn him than sit enraptured for story time. Similarly, Brion just had the piss scared out of him. Why in the world would he want to further associate himself with the source of that terror? On a more minor note, Brion likely a pretty young guy, teens/early twenties, yes? Why would he drink "well-watered wine"? That's pretty inconsistent with how young folks drink. Plus, ale seems much more in-character for a farm boy, especially an unproven one. Edit: Also, where does a farmboy acquire a phobia of jellyfish? Furthermore, why would the gleeman want an apprentice? I don't have a complaint here, just the question: why? And what kind of tale did the Teller tell? There's no way he told a mind-blowingly true story in a half hour. It just doesn't happen. Edit: It's not that it *can't* happen; it's that it can't happen off-screen. Finally, descriptions dude. Gotta have them. Even just a tiny bit. Faces, surroundings, something. That being said, it's really a pretty decent start. Just needs work. But that's why we come here.

To sort of build off of what Phantom brought up, why wouldn't Odium stay on Roshar? Why wouldn't he try to destroy all the other shards? Holding a Shard of Adonalsium forms a symbiotic relationship with one's personality and Rayse is already an angry/spiteful person; it makes sense that holding Odium would only feed more into that, maybe even to the point of irrationality. Granted, that's largely speculation on my part, but I think it would not be impossible for Brandon to move in that direction, if only introduce more chaos and unpredictability.