jParker

Sorry. The soldiers were Solomon and Captain Tillian; the soldiers that I've known don't talk about it unless they've had a substantial amount to drink. Even then, they tend not to be on opposite sides of the war. The sexual tension (seemingly) between Solomon and the baron's daughter, Jessi. It seems like a pretty stock Sexual Tension situation, two people of similar age/compatibility, but some factor prevents them from acting on it. Usually one of them ignores this (think Romeo in Romeo and Juliet). It's common enough to be a trope, but not cliched if well-written. The Baron reminds me of Sebarial of The Stormlight Archive or Rygel XVI in Farscape, this opulent regent who can at times be rather constructive. They're very interesting characters and provide a lot of conflict via their self-interest, but still manage to be vital members of the group.

Yeah, a friend of mine went to Cleveland Institute of Art. His critique stories are the best.

Like everyone else, I still have much the same reaction to the second installment as I did to the first: I struggle to care. We've a generic protagonist with abounding low drama and lots of OoC (e.g. soldiers don't sit around talking about their feelings, especially to POWs; they drink, bury it deep, and then die). Yes, now we have some belligerent sexual tension with Jessi, but it wasn't as if there weren't opportunities for interesting conflict before. However, I will say that the Baron does seem promising to me. An entitled nobleman who is now a major benefactor of the resistance--great opportunity. I would just hate to see that fall into cliche.

andyk nailed it. I really struggle to find ways to improve upon this. You've got interesting characters, an interesting magic system that makes sense but is grandiose in the best way, and abounding conflict. The prose, though it could be tighter, is solid. To be truthful, if you had another 285 pages of this quality, I imagine you wouldn't have any trouble selling it. In fact, that's the only thing I'm worried about. You've made a grand entrance; now you have to consistently meet or exceed this, something that even published authors struggle with (City of Dark Magic comes to mind). Beyond that, it's pretty much just the fact that Iain prefers whiskey--because of course every disillusioned character drinks it. Minor stuff. Truly well done and I eagerly anticipate the next installment.

Like some of the others have hit on, this chapter is pretty interesting, but is very, very raw. Character interactions are superficial, more of a way to get us to the next big plot point. While it's nice to see the differing perceptions of the two sisters (it kind of reminds me of early Mat and Perrin in The Wheel of Time), they don't feel very fleshed out, especially not after, in Chapter Two, one of them discovers she has magical powers. This feels, to me, extremely cheap and at best, a way to showcase the magic system, more likely a reserve Deus ex Machina (since the abilities and limitations of the powers have not been very clearly illuminated, Sanderson's Law definitely needs to be in effect). And just like everyone else, I'm really hoping the new guy is a wild card, not some cliched fantasy archetype. I really want to see the consequences of each and every action. Why is wasting Fruit so abominable? Surely not just for economic reasons. How does Kisa know so much about the world? Why do field-slaves know how to read? However, because I can't just give negative feedback, I had an idea for why Apple/apple might be okay. Heretofore, we've assumed that they're speaking English, or a fantastical variant of it. A common and reasonable assumption. But what if Herbert rules are in play? That the language is decidedly not English and that the word Apple is not the same as apple, when (at least) spoken. Just a thought.

I have to say, this was a bit of a roller coaster. For the longest time I was expecting a standard sword-and-sorcery fantasy and then "holster" popped up and I'm immediately interested. [The Dark Tower does a similar genre-blending and I absolutely love it.] Combined with an interesting rural setting and I'm firmly settled in. That being said, there were a lot of parts that didn't really work for me. Perrin has a good foundation for a relatable character--somebody who is just trying to make the best of a bad situation, trying to live up to his father's legacy--but his attention never seems to be on that sort of thing. He doesn't seem to ruminate on anything, struggle to figure out his next step, take any sort of action whatever. Just thinks "everything sucks" and stares at the wall. Similarly, there's a boatload of stuff thrown at the reader so early. I get that feudal conflict gets really complicated really quickly, but the way it's implemented seems like it hasn't been especially well-built, just as a way to say "Hey guys, lots of things are going on." At this point, I don't even know the characters that well, Jacob is the only one who's had anything remotely like a character-establishing shot. Why should I care about the world at large when I'm not really invested in the story? I'm like a toddler, you have to slowly spoon-feed it to me. Additionally, living in a famously rural part of the world, Haywood probably wouldn't be enthusiastic about having the remnants of Gree marching into their town. They're outsiders who don't know their chull from a hole in the ground and they've probably got a whole army on their tail, which means Haywood will see the war (which it seems unlikely that they haven't already--breadbaskets are typically the second place to strike, after capitals). All in all, there's solid potential here, it just needs a lot of world- and character-building.

This is a really interesting concept, combining a cool fantasy story interwoven with Semitic creation myths, which is intensely fascinating. While I was a bit hesitant that our protagonists were slaves--after all, what do they have to lose--Kisare did a really good job of illustrating that in a really slick way. Reasonably likable characters, a good amount of mystery, and a cool setting have me locked in story-wise. However, the magic I'm less keen on. This may be a personal thing, but I like big, showy magic, at least during a first appearance. I imagine the nobility would have similar feelings, wanting the only magic the blonds see to be storybook stuff, things to inspire rumors of godlike power. Scorching a name onto your stillborn sons's grave, while touching, doesn't really jive with that. I'm also interested to learn how the symbiosis between nobility and Fruit works. I can't quite work it out, which means I'll tune in at least a while longer. As far as comparisons to Sanderson go, that's kind of inevitable. He's one of the top three modern fantasy authors. Everybody's influenced by him. I do think that hair-color is a bit troublesome when used for a long-term caste system, but way less controversial than skin color, with the added benefit of having freed slaves discover their true heritage. [side-note: I actually thought of Warbreaker first, but I can see the similarity to Stormlight.] That being said, the economy of caste is a kernel between my teeth. Exactly how "prosperous" is having eighteen slaves? How does one acquire them, since sex is evidently discouraged? Is there a market for Fruit? What's the black market for Fruit like (because anything taboo will have a trade in it--it's human nature)? Is Acibata more of a feudal lord or a Southern plantation owner? These are things I wonder, though I'm sure you've thought of them too. Anyway, I'm really glad I actually read this instead of discarding it and await the next installment.

By and large, I agree with everyone so far. Really cool setting, interesting conflict--between duty and self-will, especially when self-will isn't entirely your own--but Will really falls flat for me. He feels like a character in a YA book, a reader-substitute. His personality seems absent--fitting, since he's a robot/cyborg/android/whatever--but I want him to be striving toward something. He's just human enough to be able to have those goals, to have a dream beyond fighting the next day. On the other hand, I really like what you did with Sam, who perfectly illustrates the reality of the enlisted man. Being a living rifle, told only where to go and who to kill, takes its toll, one that is usually paid with booze and sex during leave. The fact that he checked out first makes sense. He was unsatisfied and took action to seek satisfaction. However (yes, I love counter-argument segues, deal with it), the Humans seem really out of character. Simply saying, "You're a robot, you do what I say and if you don't like it, you die," isn't really a good leadership style and the setting seems near enough in the future that sci-fi racism might not have fully set in, especially if Lineants look like us. Try out an inspirational speech of why it is an honor and a privilege to massacre one's own people and see how that fits. Maybe. It's your story after all. Similarly, on a very small note, the captain shouldn't have introduce himself as such. If they're having a brief, they ought to be BDUs, which have rank patches on the chest; anyone with eyes to see would know that he's the swinging cod in the room. All in all though, I really liked it.

As usual, Mandamon hit the nail on the head. While there's enough here for a really interesting story, the execution leaves it floundering. At first, I was quite intrigued as it seemed to match up with a quick story I've had rattling around as well as numerous similarities to World War One, but the info-dumping and general blandness meant I struggled to finish the piece. If I can go nearly twenty pages and count on one hand the number of names I encounter, something's wrong. And it's probably not my arithmetic. I'd also like to take a digression on narrative style. Usually in contemporary SFF, POV narration is used--thoughts, feelings and reactions of the character rather than the narrator. While the omniscient third-person certainly works--and works well--it makes actually writing more difficult. You have to be more conscious of your syntax and structure, revealing exactly what details at what time. There's a lot more pressure for perfection. Finally, as a reader, I don't see a reason to care about this story. I don't have any characters to empathize with, no convoluted plot to unravel, no cause to turn the page. Sell me on this story and I'd be more than happy to read it, but as it stands... As far as names go, it really depends on what kind of vibe you're going for. If you're leaning towards pre-New Weird or post-post-modern fantasy (e.g. A Song of Ice and Fire, Kingkiller Chronicles), I think "War in/of the North" could work well. But, as I said, it depends.

Pretty much going to echo what the others have said. The Prologue piqued my interest, but definitely not the place for worldbuilding/politics/magical mechanics, unless you're Tolkien. Are you Tolkien? But seriously, not the time. I want to see somebody get ganked in a really fantastic way. I want to be intrigued by the magic system. I want a hint at what's to come, but not know exactly what's coming. And I get all those things. Unfortunately, I also get a lot more. As the others have mentioned, you go on after you could have stopped and long after you needed to. But it's also easier to cut than to add--or so I've found--and this is a good place to learn the balancing act. And as Asmodemon pointed out, the result of the assassination feels contrived. Where are the bodyguards in the aftermath of this explosion? If Giovanni survived, then they definitely should be if not fine, then combat-ready. And I'm certain someone as influential as Giovanni is rolling with more than two bodyguards, especially if he's going to the barber (even fictional characters are familiar with Sweeney Todd). But you also have more insight into the mechanics of your world--I could very well be wrong. All in all, a decent start. I look forward to seeing more.

Yay! Vikings quench their bloodthirst! Thanks for that little gratification before heading back. I concur with the comments on the action scene--shorter sentences, less description. However, when you do have a character notice something, it should be super vivid, adrenaline-fuelled sensation. I did have a question as to why Saffen's bow was already strung--I'm far from a weapons expert, but I was/am under the impression that creates unnecessary stress. While that's certainly explainable--Saffen's not a weapons expert either--but personally, I'd like to see that come back and bite them hard. Similarly--and I realize this is a meta-comment and therefore bad writing-group form--but if Marnar was a mercenary/raider/third-party soldier, as his combat experience and words seem to indicate, what's he doing now? It's a really interesting revelation, but as soon as I start to think about it, I become perplexed. It doesn't feel well foreshadowed, at least to me. I have to say though, I'm substantially less concerned by Teimen's apparent death, largely because I don't believe any character's dead unless I'm explicitly told so. Thanks GRRM. Which is a nice segue to my final comment: while Without Honour has definitely felt like a Nordic adaptation of A Song of Ice and Fire--a compliment, to be sure--Saffen's horror at the bloodshed is a really nice reinforcement. This is not a fireside tale of King and Country--this a stupid border dispute getting out of hand and it's messy as hell. Very General Lee. And so while I'm sad to see Without Honour disappear from inbox for a while, I'm excited to see what it'll be the next time we meet. May you have great ideas and few distractions.

Such an excellent point Mandamon. As the living incarnation of the One True God is known for saying, it's the difference between slim and slender. While there may not seem to be a significant difference between word choices, using exactly the right one can save the reader (and yourself) a lot of trouble.

I have to agree with the other old-timers: I really like the potential of this piece. It's pretty fun and, unless I'm mistaken, definitely a diamond, albeit still in the rough. Things Done well You're obviously acquainted with in media res; won't have to worry about Fracture being slow/artsy. An epic conflict: interplanetary war. Check. Fantastic legal system plus ruthlessly meted justice, made all the better by Dredd allusions. Sympathetic protagonist: correct me if I'm mistaken, but a down-on-her-luck thief is one of the go-tos. And given our patron's first series... Opportunities for Improvement Your prose is a little scattered and that's something that will get better as you continue to write. Additionally, this piece has far more action than a prologue would usually merit. Not a huge concern. I actually strongly disagree with Mandamon: I'm firmly convinced that Fracture is sci-fi. Now what genre it actually is doesn't matter; it's the fact that there's disagreement about what's going on. Readers should walk away with a decent idea of what's going on in the story. [unless, of course, you're going for a surrealist mindscrew. But that's a whole other thing that I don't have the credentials to address.] There's also some dubious character action. If Eve has the thieving experience implied, why doesn't she just ditch the ring and dip? Similarly, how has she never encountered a Judge? Also, why is the black market even still around? One would think they'd be the *first* to jump ship. And why is Jin even bothering with the formalities? (7-8) Again, this is your first submission and these sorts of things are to be expected. Semicolon-however-comma they are things you need to be thinking about in the future? Why are these characters behaving this way? Is it reasonable/justifiable? What am I really aiming to do with this [paragraph/chapter/piece]? That being said, I am looking forward to your next submission and watching your growth as a writer. And welcome.

I have to agree with the other old-timers: I really like the potential of this piece. It's pretty fun and, unless I'm mistaken, definitely a diamond, albeit still in the rough. Things Done well You're obviously acquainted with in media res; won't have to worry about Fracture being slow/artsy. An epic conflict: interplanetary war. Check. Fantastic legal system plus ruthlessly meted justice, made all the better by Dredd allusions. Sympathetic protagonist: correct me if I'm mistaken, but a down-on-her-luck thief is one of the go-tos. And given our patron's first series... Opportunities for Improvement Your prose is a little scattered and that's something that will get better as you continue to write. Additionally, this piece has far more action than a prologue would usually merit. Not a huge concern. I actually strongly disagree with Mandamon: I'm firmly convinced that Fracture is sci-fi. Now what genre it actually is doesn't matter; it's the fact that there's disagreement about what's going on. Readers should walk away with a decent idea of what's going on in the story. [unless, of course, you're going for a surrealist mindscrew. But that's a whole other thing that I don't have the credentials to address.] There's also some dubious character action. If Eve has the thieving experience implied, why doesn't she just ditch the ring and dip? Similarly, how has she never encountered a Judge? Also, why is the black market even still around? One would think they'd be the *first* to jump ship. And why is Jin even bothering with the formalities? (7-8) Again, this is your first submission and these sorts of things are to be expected. Semicolon-however-comma they are things you need to be thinking about in the future? Why are these characters behaving this way? Is it reasonable/justifiable? What am I really aiming to do with this [paragraph/chapter/piece]? That being said, I am looking forward to your next submission and watching your growth as a writer. And welcome.

Well, I have to say that I find myself in a bit of bind about this chapter. It started out slow and frankly, a little perplexing--Gillus' campiness above all else--and then it started to pick up and now I'm actively excited for this series again. STRENGTHS We're actually seeing exposition between our little band of rogues. Some conflict is happening, some tension, and unlike in Dune, I'm not really sure how it's going to pan out. Similarly, we're seeing some try-fail cycles in Teimen's world. I know he's an antagonist, but I see a lot of Lannister in him and that's pretty neat. NOT STRENGTHS (formerly WEAKNESSES) The first bit with the band didn't really work for me. I didn't understand why Gillus was so chipper and June Cleaver about everything; I definitely didn't understand why if Saffen screws up, it's not her who gets killed. (I mean, obviously they have to kill the bystander, but why not her too?) It feels like you're going out of your way to preserve your protagonists. Also, still not really invested in Celantorn. I'm not sure why I should feel anything towards him one way or the other, beyond being a window on the magic system. More on that later. Finally, I'm confused why Teimen is able to get away with treating his men like minions instead of soldiers. There seems to be no reaction one way or the other when he abuses the new guy, no frustration in the ranks, just a white wall. And that really costs the story. PURE CURIOUSITY Is anybody else envisioning traditional physics when that word comes up? For some reason, I keep imagining Euclid and Newton playing D&D and while that's pretty neat, it probably is not helpful to the story. On a related note, are physics batteries or conduits? I mean, I can see it going both ways, but if the magic system is as impotent as it seems to be--largely functioning as a long-range communication network rather than an effective combat system--there should be a counterweight. It feels like Celantorn has been building up physics to be these badass sorcerers and they end up being little more than energy money-changers. It also seems like Yores is a loose parallel with the Crimea. Obviously, this was written beforehand, but a wider audience wouldn't know that. Also, are they an historically independent state or a Sudetenland or a protectorate or what? Finally, should I just give up on watching a Viking get his skull split open and enjoy the story for what it is?

What? Allow creativity in fiction? I'll let Danny Radcliffe field this one.

I really like this piece. It's witty and a bit unpredictable and a fun take on the fae. As far as titles go, something simple like Tam Lin might suffice. I reluctantly agree with hawkedup--the second half does seem to drag a bit. Once the novelty wears off, there's not a whole lot. Now, that can work. You don't need a big plot, just something to move it forward. Or you can leave it as is and just cut. Personally, I'd go with the second option. Starting with "so": no-no. Calling friends of a female "buddies": not no-no, but confusing. Out of curiosity, are names left out intentionally or is that coincidence? Also, the unemployment thing seemed to come out of nowhere. Maybe you could mention how she forgot her textbooks/laptop and couldn't get any work done and so plays the machine? Really your call, but the gun needs to be on the mantle. All in all, solid job. Can't wait to see the rework.

I agree with much of what andy has said, but I am going to reframe some. Snoozeville It was really difficult to read the entire piece--there's a whole lot of telling and very little showing. The entire "road to the inn" section was strictly preterite, giving it a dictated feel. While past tense is good, even recommended, the way your sentences are structured removes any sense of tension or action. In fact, we don't even get any dialogue until the bottom of page seven--way too late. I know you've got big stuff in store, but it's kind of null if a layman puts away the book before the action picks up. Inconsistency Granted, this is your baby, so any inconsistency I mention is purely perceived and may not be actual. But what the devil is Saffen doing with a bastard sword? Svaringen seems incredibly gender segregated and giving a woman a sword (or any weapon really), much less allowing her to be proficient in its use seems really unlikely. On a similar note, have you ever used a bow? It's hard. Now it depends on what kind of bow Saffen's using, but contemporaries typically had a draw weight of 90 lbs or more. I'm sure she's no slob, but maintaining an extended draw during her confrontation with Marnar seems unrealistic. Which brings me to my last subpoint: it seems like Marnar/Gillus are the counterpart to the high politics, a Mr. Croup/Vandemar if you're familiar with Neverwhere. However, Marnar's heart-of-gold seems...inauthentic. I'm not saying he should act differently, just maybe do so for different reasons. One might even go so far as to say he be without honor. I should have something to say about Celantorn/Damiel, but I don't right now. (I do however, reserve the right to do so in the future.) His name's too Elvish?

And having inconsistencies with Earth tech development is completely cool so long as you have a reason. There have to be very solid in-world explanations, as well as a wealth of other realism in order to compensate. Also, I have a feeling Brekia hasn't the most modern army (i.e.making the most of crossbows/artillery), so if that's gonna be a thing, you should probably introduce it sooner rather than later.

Thanks for joining the gang neon. Glad to have you. While this piece is definitely full of energy, it's still mostly potential at the moment. I agree with the spirit of what everyone's said--that we struggle to empathize with Jorani and that your style needs some work. However, I disagree with what jagabond said about simple sentences. Simplicity is often confused with plain language; you can use really good words (like )and still have simple sentences. Especially since you're going for the short story format, economy of language is vital. A couple of examples of how to economize: "She cannot take the risk of being seen." can become "She cannot risk being seen." Boom, 3/8 of the sentence is gone. Conversely, the way a sentence is structured can create vastly different meaning. But Mary does a much better job of explaining. (I think that's the right episode. If not, it's at least very close.) Finally, a suggestion for a different title. I really like the allusion to The Assassination of Jesse James, but have you thought about eliminating "for Crimes against the Republic of Sathea" and testing various synonyms of "execution" (e.g. I really like "damnation"). That way you have an automatic hook in the title, but enough mystery to keep somebody interested.

Okay, while my comments should definitely be taken with a grain of salt, here we are. Pros Non-traditional heroes. An aging assassin is definitely not the typical viewpoint. Also, definitely a diverse world with a not-insubstantial degree of planning behind it. Better than can be said for my stuff. Additionally, good build-up for a larger conflict with Tiracea (?). Needs Improvement Tiracea is actually a good place to start here. I don't know if you're familiar with the Star Wars Extended Universe, but the Thrawn Trilogy is an excellent parallel. It's hard to explain without spoilers, but you have this entire conflict going on at one level, but at the background (read: deftly retconned) you have preparations for a much larger conflict going on. Or, if you prefer, the Ice Monster prologue of A Song of Ice and Fire (the statute of limitations has definitely expired on that)--after that chapter, we don't see an Other for a few thousand pages. It's subtle. What you're doing, not so subtle. Believe in yourself. More importantly, believe in your readers. See, SFF readers are really annoying in their cleverness (see: Ready Player One easter egg hunt). Sporadically drop hints and trust us to draw, if not the right conclusions, *a* conclusion. Similarly, Marana is pretty hamfisted in his you-can't-trust-me, which makes him a balls-awful spy. I don't know if we've seen him before (a fault that is entirely mine), but I imagine he's generally up to some stormery most foul. In fact, there seems to be a lot that you're building towards--again, more than can be said about my work--but I don't feel any tension. I feel like I'm watching a documentary on A. africanus, only I'm less invested in the characters. Actually, come to think of it, I imagine the early draft of Way of Kings looked something like this. There was some epic stuff going on, but Sanderson kept trying to give each character the time they deserved and ended up giving none of them the time they needed. A Song of Ice and Fire does the same thing. Martin has something like thirty-nine viewpoints, but we only see a handful in A Game of Thrones. Dial it back a notch. Don't try to rush to the finish. Take a leaf from Kylie Minogue and Slow. Really, the only other thing that bothered me was technological inconsistencies. You've stated that you're going for circa AD 1200 (presumably Europe) and that's the earliest time cannon showed up. They didn't become wide spread until over a century later and probably didn't enter idioms until Late Middle English (~AD 1400). Similarly, let's say Sketchy-Assassin found a codswainer with the technical skill to make his custom laces and the discretion not to ask what they were for: how does the wire not cut through the wrapping? Food for thought.

So, I know I've been out for a while and that some of my comments may have already been addressed, but here we go. Logistics Correct me if I'm wrong, but the world is roughly comparable with ours circa AD 1000--tech level, population, etc. Provided that's the case, the numbers need some serious reworking. I noticed this in my brief foray into Chapter One and again here, the massive size of Brekia's armies. Forty thousand foot with a hundred thousand in reserve is unbelievably large. William the Bastard fielded 10,000 at Hastings and Harald Sigurddson fielded 15,000 at Tynemouth. The logistics behind maintaining that many citizen soldiers is absolutely absurd, not to mention the entire population not of fighting ability--a war would have to be won in less than a month before starvation set it. Similarly, I can understand the Council's tradition of owing fealty to no one, but that kind of (read: very much) conflicts with the notion of a king. While Vekalik seems more like a feudal liege lord than a true king, if the throne has been around for any amount of time, *someone* should have been enacting measure to reign in the Council. That being said, the politics certainly can exist, especially if you're working up to a War of the Roses-style conflict. I just want to encourage critical world-building. Safren Now, this one gets a little close to home, having firsthand experience with a man leaving his wife for war. While Safren is definitely feeling the right things, she's doing awfully well at staving off rumination. On the other hand, the rule of thumb for active storytelling (action vs. description) necessarily loathes the kind of depression that should be setting in, some authors manage it rather well (e.g. Sanderson). Along a similar line, her viewpoint and recollection seems a bit detached--is this more a cognitive dissociation on her part or a widening of narrative perspective? Honor Finally--and this could just be me--but it is way too early to be bringing up honor so many times in a chapter. I get it. The title is Without Honor; it's going to be a major theme through the book. But goddamn son, just because we read fantasy does not mean we're special needs. You can address the issue of honor in a feudal society with tools other than a hammer. It should be said that I do like that you are using a woman's perspective in a patriarchal society and how that affects things. That's pretty cool and should be lauded. Also, I hope there is lots of Vikings bashing skulls in (preferably with Tarantino-level gore), but that's not a necessity.

This is much better. I could write sonnets about how much better the redux is. But I won't. [Addressing your question of blocking, I don't really see any issues with it. Maybe it's a stage history that I automatically have people moving around. Although the description of the Queen's staff--progressively more-detailed--seem a bit clumsy.] However, this seems a lot like traditional fantasy to me, which means it's diatribe time. Oh cool, you've got a protagonist who's a roguish assassin fighting against a corrupt, oppressive theocracy. That's original. Only problem is the lack of internal consistency. He doesn't like to kill "without getting paid" (9), but kills Bylan without a bent penny changing hands. And Galen's reaction seems to suggest that's pretty par for Tarrito's course. See, the thing about badass assassins is that they don't show off their moves unless absolutely necessary; Tarrito could have easily managed his way out of the alchemical altercation without threatening violence. Now, if that's a character exposition (e.g. showing his propensity for bloodshed or setting up a tragic flaw), that's another story entirely. But if that's the case, it's not conveyed clearly. Also, as Sanderson pointed out, when you're fighting against an oppressive theocracy, you kind of stop believing in their pantheon. So then why does Tarrito still swear by "the gods", presumably the same ones worshiped by Albris? Annefrankly, despite having a lot of action, there's very little plot exposition. We really don't have a reason to like Tarrito or care about anything at all. I imagine the humiliation and sacrifice is supposed to accomplish that, but you spend so little time on it that it really glances off. On a related note, holy balls do Bylan and Tarrito have some kind of situational awareness. Seriously, how is that even possible? I could see Tarrito--being an assassin and all--having a reasonable explanation, but a scribe? No way. I could go on, but I really don't know what the objective of the chapter is, so constructive feedback is a mite hard and a general diatribe shall have to suffice. If you want, DMing is always viable, because I really don't like dishing out a ton of bad without some ways to fix it. On the other hand, seems like Tarrito's black, which gets you disproportionate favor in my book.

Well, I'm not really sure what to make of this chapter. There seem to be a ton of inconsistencies, even for a story with a supposedly insane protagonist. Content First off, how is Rose unable to break the lock, but a peripubescent boy able to on his first try? If memory serves, "manly strength" doesn't come til later. And on a similar note, the tension between the two feels sprung-upon. Yes, there was the visit from the evangelist, but there haven't been a whole lot of exhibitions of conflict. Then there's the Locust Army. They feel exceptionally trite to me--hypocritical Christian extremists? That's been done alot. Granted, I live a short drive away from Westboro Baptist Church, so I may be a mite sensitive, but still, it hardly seems original. And given the creative options with a literal interpretation of Revelations combined with an apocalypse...well, there are other ways. Additionally, the Rose/Prince thing feels completely forced. They've had no hint of sexual attraction before and there's no sign of Rose being loose with sex. In fact, the only mentions you've made of sex are human trafficking; sex as a positive, or even neutral, event is unmentioned. Style Maybe I'm just now noticing this, but God's body do you like adjectives. Two or three seem to exist in every other sentence. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but with the kind of literature that you seem to be leaning towards, economy of language is key. (If you were writing epic fantasy, on the other hand...Still key. It's always key.) Similarly, Rose seems to have a very objective analysis of her surroundings. If she truly has had mental health problems, she ought to be much more intuitive in her perception of the world (think River Tam). Furthermore, dialogue seems to be very...monotone? Characters from very different backgrounds have similar speech patterns (e.g. Rose and Prince). Now, I could be wrong--you know more about your world than I do--but it seems like they ought to have very different syntax. And that also helps make reading a lot smoother, being able to identify who is speaking simply by looking at the sentence. I know this seems like a lot of criticism, but after a long hiatus, I kind of expected something different. I fully expect the same when my turn comes round.

Yeah. I've been going through and refining things--in the new order, this is Chapter 3, not 7. And holy crap am I sorry for just dragging you guys around. I wasn't aware that Brandon had coined "cosmere"--I was under the impression it was just a word that he adopted and proliferated. I'll change that. Also, pump your brakes refers to an emergency stop, originally with locomotives. The world definitely has those. Although I did picture a carriage coming to a screeching halt, with smoke flying and all and that's pretty funny. Might have to find a way to make that work some time...