Robinski

Awesome, and yes.

That'll be Chapter 2 then?

That's a decent idea. I would believe that, subject to how well it's sold

Hey folks, So, this Chapter 2 is substantially revised, with new material, but also some you've seen before but in a different place. I'm hoping this addresses the issue of conveying what is going on at an earlier stage. Previously, there was a sort of sequel to the opening action of closing the art theft case. I'm hoping this is much better at ramping up the tension. Thanks for your consideration. <R>

Hey Kais, thank you so much for reading again. This seems to be just me. Have you heard the phrase about someone walking on your grave? Well, there is a version based on a rabbit walking on your grave. I think you're the 3rd person to question this, so I will need to cut it. Much obliged. Now changed. Meh, simple proportionality, but thanks, Teach Yeah, it's not you it's me. Inconsistent from Book 1. I have edited this line. Great comments. Many thanks, Kais. Glad this is still working for you.

Oooh. Will it be on Audible? No idea how that works.

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You're a gentleman. Thank you, Mr. Fox - totally fantastic. I actually missed a couple in the quotes

Oh, and @Majestic Fox, I know I didn't mention it in the blurb, because I've lost the habit, but can I ask you to abbreviate the characters names and unique words in reviews, please? If you can be bothered editing your post here it would be very much appreciated.

Hey M-fox, many thanks for reading. Well, shucks, thank you. This is the most true to me and my personality, I think: take what you like from that! I guess on that basis it's the closest I've come to 'write what you know'. Interesting. I've combined the sentences. I"m not I saw the issue, but I don't see the harm in changing it Hmm. I'll go with it just now. That is who she is. I'll keep this in mind for the next edit. Awesome. Okay. I'll use one of my lives here and say 'I don't care, I'm keeping it I haven't watched the JB link you sent me yet. I'm going to set it up in a window right now, so I don't forget. (Sound of receding footsteps. Somewhere, a creaky old window is unlatched and pushed open). Hey, what do you know. Jim Butcher is Harry Dresden, but shorter. Where am I? Oh, yes... M's line derives directly from the first book, but glad it works on another level I'll give you that one. I changed it to grunt. Heroes grunt, they don't sob Disabled, not flawed. All connects to WE . Actually, not disabled either, of course, due to the wonders of modern medicine in 2099. I like this point. I've tried a slightly simpler version of the wording, while retaining the words 'grey' and 'brown'. <sigh> What is it with you people? Have you heard the phrase, 'rabbit ran over my grave' representing a (random) shiver? If not, then I guess the line will fall flat on its face (again). No doubt there is. I'm gonna think about this. Okay. I'll park that for now, on the basis that I've never actually heard of anyone reading the second book in a series first. His hand brushing off his knee like an F/A-18 Hornet off the flight deck of the Nimitz. That's Q right there, odd and charming. Well thanks, and I'm pleased you didn't feel the lack of an 'n' (as in 'an herb'--shudder). Slang(?) name for certain types(?) of moustache; for obvious(?) reasons. I'm really pleased with this, given that you haven't read the first book, whereas Mandamon, Kais and ID have, so it's kind of 'welcome back' for them. I think I can do that with a word or two, also noting your earlier comment about M This is the line I had first, before anything in this chapter. Carried it around in my notebook for a good 6 months before writing this. Notebooks rule I'm not emotionally attached to 'snapped'. I've changed it to 'countered'. I guess one needs to know what a class action is. So, there is the one stolen picture that Q What may or may not come across by the end of the chapter is that this first 'scene' is a stand-alone (re)introduction to the characters: hence the action, and the quick resolution. For that reason, I think having G as a pantomime villain (somewhat) is okay. Fair comment: I've sort of addressed this, but without going too heavy-handed, I hope. I've tried that on the first page. It may well help previous readers reconnect with her more quickly too. Big style . As I said, it's closer to my own personality than anything I've written before, and I made a conscious decision about that when I conceived the idea. I said 'I am going to ret to write what I love to read the most: (a) sharp, funny dialogue; (b) totally character-drive story; (c) futuristic setting, but not too much, so I can poke fun at things in the 'real world'. I'm glad you enjoyed this. Great comments, very comprehensive. I've got some good edits don there, Cheers!

I'll stick my hand up for a slot on Monday, please.

Hey, Man, thanks for reading, as always, comments much valued. It's gone. I'll save it for when I'm a mega-bestseller Yeah. This was an experiment in casting back to TMM, but if she has no-one to speak to, it doesn't work. Gone. You've heard the one about rabbit running over your grave? I tried to make it funny. Thank goodness. This is the 3rd or 4th go at this. Glad it's coming around. I'll try it without. Oh, shoot. Did I forget to take all the comments out? Ah... I tend to leave comments through my text, but usually delete them all from subbed versions. I like this. I think I'll play with it. Thank you <thumbs up> I feel like every time I get a 'lol' an angel gets its wings. Thank you for those excellent comments. Glad I subbed this again

Great to see you back, Jack

I’m feeling a bit out of tune as I start this again, having have a flip back to the first part in between. So, be ready for some WRS The phrase “changing from a wind quartet to a flute” doesn’t chime for me. If nothing else, would it not be more like going from the solo to a duet, since M was sensing Healing alone, then joins G in sensing Potential? Have you had a musician read the stories to check the musical reference for accuracy and authenticity? “regular syncopation” – This is an oxymoron for me. The definition of syncopation is something that involves a variety of rhythms which are in some way unexpected which make part or all of a tune or piece of music off-beat. I don't think you can have 'regular syncopation'. If it’s regular, it’s something else. “cycle markings” – Huh? I'm a traffic engineer; this means painted markings on the road for the benefit of cyclists. I think you mean the date was marked? At the point where G comes to answer M’s call, in the following conversation, you've lost me there. There are lots of statements flying around here, and I don't think there's a clear path to this conversation. Needs work, imho. “my parent’s parents’ good friend” There’s a lot of good stuff in here, and I like the tension. I’ve provided LBL comments, which I hope are useful. I think my main issue here was some of the fuzzy logic in the arguments which, clearly, is a really important aspect of a mystery-thriller. This is a great story though. Of all the d-verse stories I have read, this one is the most urgent and exciting, I think. <R>

As a bloke, I would not find it unusual if you didn't mention the motherhood thing, unless you had first set it up as a particular thing in the village. For me, I'm thinking it's too much. I think you've got some excellent themes and threads going at the start of this story, that offer strong possibilities for pulling readers through the story. Especially when you have the second POV, assuming you haven't removed it. Considering what I think are the strongest themes: (a) - W is something of an outcast, a misfit. That's an extremely strong theme, and has carried many stories all on its own, without any other themes or conflicts. (b) - The lost village is a very evocative, interesting and intriguing set up. Again, you could have that as the centre point to the story and concentrate on that alone quite happily. (c) - The creature. Another powerful theme for a story. 'Monster' stories can run by themselves quite happily and completely entertain the reader for 200/250 pages, I reckon. So, I think you may be trying to do too much with the relationship. Not that you should not have a relationship, you very definitely should, but by making it unconventional I wonder if you are in fact alienating readers. Stories are written about unconventional relationships, but I think they would tend to need to be the central facet of the story, and to be concentrated upon to the exclusion of other themes. I'm just not sure of such a dynamic being a sideline. I think there's too much going on for you to do it justice.

Very pleased to be reading your second submission in a row, Mr. Fox! Bearing in mind that you and I are corresponding, I know that there has been chat about characterisation, so I will pay particular attention to this. As ever, I won’t be reading any of the other comments until I’ve been through the sub. “There are other ways to become indispensable.” – Harking back to last week’s submission, I was clear that W was intent on enmeshing herself in the community, and that she had been ‘left on the doorstep’ as it were. I think that’s a great set up, to have your m/c thought of an outsider, but not knowing where home is. Super conflict. I think you could dial up the character a bit just by revealing a little more background a bit earlier. I think you might find that would lead you naturally into more tension with the people around her, and in her own head, perhaps. I don’t follow how W reaches the other side of the street with the clothes line. Is the street not at least 10ft wide or more? “Willow wasn’t sure if she even liked him in that way.” – I'm trying to pick up the ages here. So, he’s not a man and 6 years younger than her. I forget (or I don’t know) what age she is, but for him to be barely a man, is he 14, 15? I'm not sure it feels quite right. Can W be a cougar at 21?! This map stuff, and the mystery of the other village; it’s all good, I am intrigued for sure, and I want to know about this stuff. Hmm… feral. Hmm. Is there a reason that L needs to be barely a man? In the previous version, I think he was still the love interest, but he was older? “deliberately instilled a curiosity in him” – When I put this together with his age, I do get a somewhat uneasy feeling. So, did L climb into the room? I must have missed that. All this talk of husbands and motherhood; it’s quite a different story, I think, to the one I read before, plus the change in L. I dunno; I’m pretty confident I liked the previous version better in many ways. I’m not sure what this new dimension adds. For me, I feel like you’ve got a solid character conflict in W being apart from the rest of the village, and this L age dimension, and the various partnering issues, are an unnecessarily prominent complication. Okay, I like the tension of L and W sneaking around, and doing things not in accordance with the rules, but his age seems a completely unnecessary dimension. Why can’t they be friends without him being so young? There are any number of ways in which he could be a misfit, which seems to be a requirement for him to be friends with her, as she also is a misfit. There are plenty of conflicts and tensions and mysteries in this first chapter; lots of good things to follow up, which is great. There is a school of thought that leaving the main character as a blank canvas allows the reader to project themselves onto them. We don’t get a lot of emotion from W, or hearing how she feels about things, but that doesn’t need to be a bad thing; it depends on what you're going for. I’m off to read the other comments now. Hang in there. We’re making progress, I promise you!! <R>

Which is just awesome. We're actually heading towards this being my favourite D'verse story No pressure...

Ooooh, this sounds rather like time travel.

Oh, and specifics: --Connection with the main character (emotion, description, etc) - much better, imo.--Pace keeps up through the section - yes, although it does slow a bit at the end, last couple of pages, for me.--satisfactory explanation (or enough for now) for the Society and why it exists - Okay. Certainly before there was more detail. I very much licked how the Society seems more shady in this new version. --whether I successfully removed the infodumping - yes, I still have it in my mind though, so it's hard to tell whether what remains is enough info on the society. I think you've done well in summarising the society, but I wonder if there is enough. Not sure I have enough distance to be certain. --is there enough challenge now for the MC? - yes, more so than before, I think, because you've shown him misdirecting and concealing. I hope he thinks about that as we go forward, and is conscious about (seeming to) run foul of the law. --would you classify this as mystery, or suspense? - I'm getting some of both, but it seems more in thriller territory now. I think that's fine. Sherlock, for example, if basically a thriller half the time, in my view.

Glad to be reading this again. I don’t think I'm very good at going over things again, I tend to feel kind of closed off from it, but the first few lines of this version, to me, are much stronger than the previous draft so, instantly, I'm glad to be reading this, and I'm feeling more engaged Also, since you sent Word, I'm doing LBLs; I hope that’s okay. So, my comments here might be a bit thinner than usual. Much stronger first line. How does Man know he couldn’t have suffocated? I like the time factor, but I didn’t understand why the speaker would not have had time to suffocate until the line about the secretary. I wonder if that could be clarified. I really like the new notion of a little light larceny for the greater good. I think it makes the secrecy of the society more justified if there is something that might be criminal activity going on. This is strongly reinforced later with the reference to exploiting indiscretions of Speakers. I like how you've underlined his decision to investigate. Neatly done, and completely clear. Excellent line about the bile. I'm getting a much clearer feeling for Mandamon's motivations and his character. I think the description of how Man’s abilities apply and how he uses them is much stronger than the first go-around. This really convinces me and pulls me in. I feel like Man would have stopped the look of surprise on the eyes much sooner, unless he didn’t really approach the body until now, although I feel like he has. Introducing the intern provides much greater tension. Excellent move. I don’t think she was there before, was she? (Moot question: moving on…) I found the part about the chair unclear. Is he using the symphony to wedge the chair under the door handle? Surely the secretary will hear the chair scraping and get suspicious. Ah… I see it is. I struggled a little to believe that the symphony could do this. That’s potential, right? I like the degree to which Man is incriminating himself, it makes for more tension as he puts himself more and more in a position to be the prime suspect, by wedging the door, for example. Yes, these stakes are much, much better. “I think whoever killed him took it.” – I’m just feeling the stake so much more this time around. Good job. Why did Man leave the door open? I hate when people on TV never close doors!! And it's not always to let the camera man through. Surely the answer to Moor’s question about coming there first is ‘yes’, but Man answers in the negative. “My mentor’s paranoia when dealing with the Society knew no bounds—warranted, in this case. I had absorbed some of those fears in the last half cycle.” – This is lovely writing. Really nicely phrased, and puts us into Man's mind. “The GA must be protected from, hm, dangers it does not realize. As no others take up that mantle, it always falls to the Society” – If the dangers are unknown, how could anyone else take up the mantle? Yes, definitely. I think this is a big step forward. I really can see the improvement, increased tension, better pacing, etc. Nice work. I felt like the last two pages or so were a bit cluttered. I think Moor’s dialogue, and Man’s response in thought could be refined. I will send LBLs separately, but I’m really keen to see this all finished. I will press on to this week’s submission now! <R>

I'll read that!

So, I swithered for a while about whether to submit this first chapter again, because it's more of a prologue, and you've read it twice before. I submit it then on the basis that some folks might not read it again, and that's totally fine. What I'm hoping is that a new reader or two might pick it up. Genuine question for those who have been on here submitting and who haven't read my stuff before: is there something that puts you off? The rating? The language? I'm just indulging in some market research L - for mademoiselle potty-mouth; Sr - for sexual references, nothing heavy, barely deserves the rating, imo Any comments welcomed, but I'm interest to know if certain things that snagged before are fixed, or not... Thanks for considering, <R>

So, eh, all my comments are in LBLs that I emailed back to you, but I think they are fairly similar to Mandamon's and some of Fox's. Nick was kind of irritating at the start, and I too wondered what W was off doing once or twice, as she is the more engaging character of the two.