Robinski

Fair enough, but I thought the mechanics of the scene and how it introduced the character and the 'magic' was good; nice balance of exposition and action.

I thought it was clear enough, for what it's worth.

Hey, sorry these comments are so late in the week. I hope they are helpful. Like @Mandamon, I just love a time-travel story There are some style a grammar quibbles, but I'm not going to do LBLs, or take up your time and space with those. I appreciate that edits will pick up such things. So, onwards and upwards. If it's raining, why are the ladies using parasols? On the opening, after Page 1, I'm interested, but not completely engaged. There is a fair bit of repetition about her being squished up, not having moved, waiting for an accident. I'm getting a sense of atmosphere and setting, and I like that I can imagine it raining, shoes getting wet, sound of the rain, etc., but I get that the first time it's mentioned. I think the repetition hurts the opening, and slows us down from getting to more interesting stuff. The trouble about dwelling on boredom is it tends to stick with the reader! Why is it only accidents that are worthy reporting, can they not report wilful acts? Curious. I'm not sure of the difference (in terms of paradox, for example) between reporting an accident and a wilful act. Sorry, I said no grammar, but satin-blue is not a shade of blue, surely. Might an Agency fieldworker or an Agency employee simply be an agent? The terms are rather unwieldy. I'm a bit peeved at losing the track of what the woman is saying. And why would A bother to appease the little girl? I'm not especially enamoured of A, so far. She has been rude (ignoring the woman speaking); distracted (from the woman); heartless (her reaction to the death seems centred on herself the opportunity it present her, BUT, I appreciate that, if she can avoid the death happening, her emotional perspective will be different); presumptuous (in her attitude to the shopkeeper: I think that would be my reaction too, if someone burst into my shop making demands then talking down to me. I don't have a shop, btw.) Now, we don't have to like the m/c for a story to work, and I'm not saying that she is turning me off the story, just giving feedback! "serving the counties of E, T and D" - I do like the style of the setting, the period, that slightly old-world feel. I should note that when I hear grey cloaks, I think of the wardens in The Dresden Files. Ah.. Things really pick up when the telephone call is made, and the action carries me along nicely through the rest of the chapter. I feel some of the dread at what will happen, and was curiously picking over what the alternative case might have been that was chosen in preference. I thought it a little odd that her cousin came to the station if he was branch controller. The branch office must be nearby then? It would have made the world seem bigger is someone else came to escort her to HQ, but it's a small detail. I felt that the ending of the chapter was a but weak, that it tended to fizzle out a little. Not that it needs another scene--I thought the length was just right--but more in terms of impact, or pregnant comment/phrase that leads into the next chapter. So, your questions: Opening - dealt with that above. Character voice - yes, I thought it was fine. I made some comments above, but as a say, we don't need to like her and, by the end of the chapter, I felt that she had acted nobly, and with some guts to go against authority. She may have made an enormous mistake. What if a whole coach of children went off a cliff? So, I still think she's presumptuous nd rather full of herself, but I certainly am engaged. Age - 18-20, in my estimation. Maybe 21-22, but no more. Set-up - Yes, tidily done. You've explained the headlines, and shown us how travel works. The 'magic' has a cost, which is important. All in all, I'm pleased with the set-up and happy to accept it going forwards. I think one important aspect is that you've kept it fairly simple, with easy to follow conditions and rules. I'm hoping we get to read some more of this. Nice job. <R>

Heya. LBLs on their way. Some 'highlights': "as if half a decade didn’t separate us" - Err, really? As much as that? I didn't have that impression when they were playing as children. Would they have been as close as they were if one was, what, 9/10 and the other was 14/15? "wasn't keen on displaying my own" - this is a monumental understatement. "pushed her bowl away" - Were they really eating just plain rice, no protein, no flavour? That's really boring and unappetising. Missed opportunity to engage another sense, and for a little passing world-building. "These fungi would have been enough to get me an apprenticeship..." - But they have succeeded in doing that, haven't they? "There isn’t a single master or grandmaster left... other than you."- But S is nothing in the guild, never been a member, no tattoo. I don't buy this at all. "I’ll have no country to rule over once the treaty talks commence" - I don't understand how the country gets gobbled up because of the guilds. Do they each have a land holding? Wait, so is S actually an apprentice formally? There has been so much pushing against it since the start of the story, so much rejection of it in every way, that I've accepted that S has no part in the guild. I enjoyed this, bet felt it was uneven in tone, and there were some consistency issues, I thought. Other LBLs in the file. <R>

Me too, please. Unless there are five others.

Apologies for the profanity, I will write out a hundred times 'This is not a toilet, and I am not my character.' It just blew my mind. I thought I was excited about the Angry Robot open door, but Tor?! wowsa. Perhaps it is serendipity that I have just reached the end of Part 1 of TCC, and I have some outline ideas in the form of those other cases that Q and M were considering, although I might go completely new. I have a cunning plan...

Oh, sh1t!!!! Quick, I need to write a novella in two weeks

So, pressing on, slightly longer this week, I hope that is okay. If there was a Part 1 to the story, this would be the end that part. I hope it is action-packed, and that it pulls you through, but also provides some nuggets background and character moments. I realise that there are logistical issues in the submission to date, and retconning his made some aspect disjointed. I need a good edit to rectify a lot of this stuff, but I'd like to forge on with the story. I'm planning a doing a short summary to benchmark where I should have got to by this point, for submission next week, in the hope that it will help with WRS and Retcon Disfunction, and ease the way for the very patient reader into the second part of the story. Thanks for reading!! Best, Robinski

You've been cycling across Europe, what's my excuse?!

I think you're close to a consensus here, @Mandamon, at 12 years-old (if Truthweaver would permit another year up from 11). Of course, Nat's an Et. so she could be 35 in Et. years for all we know

Hey thanks so much for the comments, K. Not late at all, I didn't sub till Wednesday!! Done. No wax involved however Hmm, good thought. I considered using the word 'trim', but then learned it means something else now. Ha, I think we're all a bit unsure about this, me included, but I'll keep it just now, and I... can't... stop... laughing at your... last thought there Good point. I've tried to tidy this up into a sort of 'held for questioning' thing, and I've added some motivation around the cuffs which helps, I think. Good call. Thanks again

Brilliant comments, thank you so much. I emailed a response for some reason ( ), but here it is again: I'm sure there is WRS aplenty by now, since I've gone back twice and revised things. There is also some retconning, which does not help with things like R's widow. They do know now that he's married. Like the comment about ladies vs people in relation to musclebound - changed. You're absolutely right about the whole contract thing, of course. It's a royal mess by now, and I will need to sort it all out from the start. On the arrested thing, I would say 'assisting the sheriff with his inquiries'. Good call on this being unclear. Interesting on the growing a 5 year-old being old news, I wasn't sure whether that had stuck from before. Certainly, I can replace the line with something that adds to the background. I'll do that. Good call. Just got some nice character motivation in there. Good call on the 'straight as a die' line, which I hadn't intended to apply to sexuality, but clearly it's the only way to read it. I know what you mean about M's scene. I'll see how other reactions go, but I can't stand behind the logic unreservedly. Modified Q's ickiness over the phone implant. K firing the gun 20 times a year: I hope it's not a thing!!! Maybe at the range, training requirement or some such. 'haul his junior up' - for parking in the disabled bay. Clarified. 'catching up on the rails' - horse racing expression. I've adjusted the fire alarm with some dialogue from Q & M which somewhat foreshadows something in the next chapter. Great comments. Thank you so much, I got some really nice fixes and additional detail from those, Perfect

I would disagree. Why does it have to be Middle Grade anyway? My complaint with the original version was the overwhelming simplicity of the reactions. I don't think simplifying is going to serve the story well. Clearly, I don't have a female perspective, but I do have a daughter, now 23, who has been 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 and 14. All people are different, but I think I would struggle to believe that a 9-11 year-old could influence the story in the same way a 13-14 year-old could and would. I have emailed LBLs. I have major issues with them free climbing the wall with basically no physical support from the drill; it's not at all what I was picturing or expecting. If Mom has brought her 9-11 year-old to the height of Everest to then free climb a shear surface, she should be locked up from child abuse! At the point where the drill attaches to the wall, something should happen to the balloon with the change in loading. BUT WAIT, how has the balloon been stationary through this? If the burner is not burning, it will begin to drop as the air in the balloon cools, probably quite rapidly at this altitude. They've been stationary for quite a while with no gas. When the weight of the drill comes off, the balloon should at least shift somehow. I thought they would be riding inside the drill, like a Jules Verne submarine, or other contraption. The drill is huge, it can't all be engine, surely? And I must admit, I was picturing it like the thing the Underminer has in The Incredibles. I've been struggling to get my head around how they were going to be suspended from the drill, but this free climbing aspect is unbelievable, for me

Me too, please. Unless there are others who are due a shot.

I would put good money on you having been sifted out for follow-up of some sort. I bet in the 1,300 submission they got there will not be another story like yours. The rejections have been very consistently in order. Unless it fell down the back of the AR sofa, of course. I wish we knew about Mothman's submission, because more data always helps!!

Heya, LBLs emailed separately. Main points duplicated here. At the start, I feel that something's missing, an acknowledgment or link from the previous chapter with R and where they ended up. "here I was, damp and blood-soaked, my hair slicked against my head and shivering from the cold" - Gah. I'm struggling here. So, S saves R, the Queen's magician, and they just send S away without giving any assistance in acknowledgement of the good deed? The chance to wash, fresh clothes, some food. "Lost to S permanently." - I don't see that it would be any more permanent then its residency in S in the first place. If there is a mechanism for it to move, can it ever be said to be permanent? "You didn’t think to say hello, apparently, after bringing Master R back to the castle" - See, here it is, pertaining to my first comment on page 1. I think you need to explain how S and R parted after S's rescue of him. Just a short sentence even, on the first page, to join the chapter together. Really not much, some grammar quibbles and minor suggestions in the LBLs, but this is a strong chapter, imo. The appearance and presence of M, to me, gives the story real impetus and momentum, and takes us down the road of their relationship, of course, with is the best bit Nice work! <R>

Felicitations fellow excusers. You have seen part of this chapter before, but not the other part, because I did something that probably you've been screaming at me to do for ages, take two chapters and squish them together into one chapter. Anyway, hopefully this has some action and impetus. I'll apologies in advance for any continuity stuff, as I am sort of making changes as a I go, but might be lagging behind on working some through. Brickbats and exultations accepted with equal delight! Best, Robinski

Quirk summary up front on the questions: 1) - Yes. Decent balance of grumpy and respectful; clinical and inquiring. I like the character, and she works sooo much better than the first version. Would a teen engage? I think so. 2) - Voice is fine, I thought. Kind of teen neutral in the sense that there is no overpowering personality trait, but that lets the reader imprint themselves on the character more easily. 3) - The voice is quite neutral gender wise so, although the character is female, it is not so much as to drive off male readers. 4) - Yes, most certainly, unlike before!! Good job turning this around. 5) - Hmm, see my detailed comments, but, in summary, I think the wonder and scale could stand to be dialled up near the start. We get into that more when they get up in the balloon, but I'm not really drawn into the wonder from the beginning. I have emailed LBLs with quite a lot of comments in the Word file, but here are the highlights, duplicated from the LBLs. "catch more to drink when it rained" - Hmm, I wonder if they can do this. How many of them are there? How much should a large creature like that drink in a day, compared to a human, which is not a small amount to start with. I'll be interested to see what tech they have to do this. "There's no sun in the N..." - I don't buy that the teenager whose POV we are in would feel the needs to educate the reader on this stuff. I mean, it's just so boring. Like, keep up you dweeb, don't you even know about the N and lightenings? Duh! "Mom held the vent on the burner open..." - Does the gas smell? Is the burner loud? A conventional balloon burner is, I think, from what I've seen. I'm not feeling as much in the scene as I could be. I think the description is lacking in some places, especially in terms of the other senses, and it really could ground us more in the location and the experience. Some of the language and science around the movement of the balloon, the load it is carrying and the mechanics around the lift it generates did not ring true to me. I began to wonder how much you had researched balloon flight, but in particular, I am bothered by the weight they are carrying. The beetle must weigh an actual ton/tonne. I'm not convinced about the beetle swinging, and on the bit when they change canisters, although I think there is a great opportunity there (see detailed comments in LBLs). "Is the LC really gone?" - Huh? This feels random, and rather contrived. I'm reading a story of Jules Verne-like adventure rather than one of mystery or intrigue, and something like this, I feel, is an unwanted distraction from the wonder and the exploration. Now I'm trying to puzzle out the significance of the reference for the story, rather than contrentrating on the wonder of flying in the balloon and seeing the Nether laid out below me. The references to Seeds could be problemtatic. Unless the reader has read Seeds, they will, I think, be confusing and distracting. There are enough of them now that they are becoming relevant to the story, and yet the reader will not understand the context. It's interesting to me having read Seeds, but I feel like it would turn off other readers who have this as a stand-alone. "it swelled and curved" (the wall) - Which way? Confused here. If it's curving toward them, they are going to hit it. If it's curving away--where is it going? Degrees of curvature must be very subtle, because otherwise, over the considerable distances we're talking about, the wall will be significantly out of its original alignment. I'm confused around the logistics of changing the canister, setting aside the physics of the balloon, but just the mechanics. How do they get it under the basket? Is there a hole in the floor? I did't buy Pat not knowing what to do with the canisters. I would assume they always threw them over the side. This version is like a million times more engaging than the last one. I've gone from hating to being engaged and curious. There's some real potential now, and I'm keen to get into the next part. What I expect soon is some good physical action/stakes and threat, although I think you have a great opportunity in this section, as per my suggestion in the LBLs. Great job <R>

Finally... Sorry for the delay. Chapter 1 - about leaving the house: The problem I have is the not knowing. To walk away without knowing if any posessions, memories, keepsakes, etc. might have survived. Is there really nothing at all of value to S in that house? Then there is the aspect of seeing, just to bear witness an be able to report the facts. How far away is S from the house at this point? How much of a detour would it be to go back? Chapter 3 - The sentence about "Three weeks..." doesn't make sense to me. Where do the three weeks come into it? 'I stopped when I could no longer hear the voices of the people calling after me' - So, there's no wall or fence or anything at the edge of the city? This feels weird, and unlikely. 'there was no reason for me not to go back' - This feels like a flip-flop, so soon after S protesting about never going back. Why does S slap thigh? - Confused. There's no purpose to it or effect from it that I can see. 'What better way to spend it than menial chores your new apprentice should have been doing?' - Wait, if it's too dangerous to be out alone in the forest, why would the cloaked man send his completely inexperienced apprentice? I'm confused by the timeline now, and where this fits with S going to the guild house and finding it empty. And then S encounters M, wasn't that the order? I'm a bit lost, but will put it down to WRS. Chapter 4 - I forget how S met R before, but just happening to bump into him after her random flight seemed a bit contrived to me. Headlong flight into the forest leads directly to an encounter with the exact person in the whole world that S needs to meet for story purposes... 'I pushed back into the fog.' - Is S advancing or retreating, unclear. Because of the word 'back', I assumed retreating. When another root points at S I get an overwhelming feeling of repetition. There were two trees, one threatens S then goes away for no particular reason that I could see. Then, the original tree threatens S? I feel that this scene is unclear and improbable. It feels messy. What is the column doing all this time? Is it still there? Is it different from the tree? 'You missed!' - Why would he say that, he doesn't know what S was aiming at. 'tried to reach the knife' - The roots batted the handle before. Why did they stop doing that until now? 'especially if you were carrying your literal dreams in your arms' - Meh, corny. Do we know about the glacier amulet yet? R's reference to this seemed out of place to me: probably it's just the phrasing, like atm it presumes the reader knows more than they do. Melancholy doesn't feel like a strong enough word. I'm thinking frustration, because S's mother isn't there to give her permission, isn't that the main problem? Ah, okay. S still thinks mother is around here, somewhere. I forgot. Loads of interesting stuff, but I'm rather disoriented by the cut backs to earlier chapters. I think the attack of the palms needs work. There were various aspects that confused me. but certainly it's tense, and had a good resolution. I like the feel of it. Problems were with the mechanics. <R>

Apologies for being horribly behind on my crits. I will not post my sub up this week until I am at least caught up with last!!

Hey ID, thanks so much for reading. Really appreciate it. Yep. Fair enough. I'm going to take mum own advice and not go around again on these chapters, but get on with the story. There will be a big fat edit at the end of 30-odd chapters, when I can see the whole story in the round, and know where I'm going with it. Yup. Okay, hearing this loud and clear Good catch. I'll need to fix that. Yeah, I'm really confused about this too. #edit Not so much with the burning at the end of TMM, but I take your point. I will edit this. Hmm, clearly this is not what I was going for . I shall have to consider this carefully. Yeah, I need to sell the whole plot better. I've got two more subs to the end of Part 1 (although there are no formal parts). Let me get to that point and I will retcon the whole thing. I might put up a précis of what the first 8 chapters should have conveyed, just to allow me to move forward without going back to the beginning again, which I'm just not going to do. Great comments as usually. Many thanks, ID.

Many thanks for these comments, Kais. Most welcome. Yup. Fair comment. To some extent I'm going to can-of-worms the M chapter, but there is a potentially larger issue. Which I think I will try and solve by extending the M chapter, You see, perhaps it's too obvious. Perhaps DM isn't the baddy after all. Great comments, as always. Thanks, Kais. Much appreciated.

I would like to submit on Monday, please.

Hey, thanks for reading, Man. Note what you say here. I will read over this again with trimming in mind. Excellent. Glad this is working. More details to come. Thank you so much. Great comments, very much appreciated. There's plenty to challenge me there, but I think things are improved. It'll still need tidying up in the edit though. I've gone back over enough times that things are getting muddied.

Awesome, how Bohemian! Maybe Goethe or Marx or Orwell sat the in the very Internet cafe that you are in!!