Robinski

Guys, Reading Excuses is coming under a concerted attack from what feel like just about everyone. Come defend your writing group!! I figure all we need is three people posting continuously to show how togetherness can win the day )

This is starting to feel like a vendetta. 17 Writing Excuses 12 Reading Excuses 19 Mistborn: The Inquisition 21 Sanderson Elimination 25 Stormlight Archive 23 Mistborn

3 The Rithmatist 19 Writing Excuses 23 Reading Excuses 19 Mistborn: The Inquisition 19 Sanderson Elimination 23 Stormlight Archive 21 Mistborn Hey, this gets ugly fast in the latter stages...

Ah, well, that depends. I guess if it's who, I'm not going to get it, but I'm sure the guy worked for the BBC Radiophonic(?) Workshop, who did all the sound effects for Doctor Who and a bunch of other shows. Not sure if they still exist - probably called something else and part of some multi-media department. So, if it was a collaborative effort, the BBC-RW, if it's the principal who is credited, I don't remember.

Very true. MRK's short treatise on critiquing centres on readers telling how a story makes them feel, but not going as far as trying to suggest why. I'm not very good at it - yet.

4 The Rithmatist 20 Writing Excuses 21 Reading Excuses 20 Mistborn: The Inquisition 21 Sanderson Elimination 23 Stormlight Archive 22 Mistborn

Porcupine Tree - The Sky Moves Sideways Really, if you haven't heard them, treat yourself. Steve Wilson is prog rock god. 'Fear of a Blank Planet' is a superb piece of work - reinventing the concept album for the 21st century.

5 The Rithmatist 20 Writing Excuses 23 Reading Excuses 20 Mistborn: The Inquisition 23 Sanderson Elimination 22 Stormlight Archive 22 Mistborn

20 The Rithmatist 11 Role Playing (-2) 20 Writing Excuses 23 Reading Excuses (+1) 18 Mistborn: The Inquisition 20 Sanderson Elimination 21 Stormlight Archive 20 Mistborn Sorry, no text formatting on iPad <sigh> So, is the target now 40, or is it last board standing?

Hey guys - the second round of the Hurt'n'Heal is up now on General Brandon Discussion. Come defend your friendly neighbourhood writing group!!

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Ah, of course!! I'm am such a dunderheid. Sorry - after the whole Florida hanging chad thing, I'm just very sensitive about these things.

I think for the form we really need to let it play out. Nobody wants any accusations of gerrymandering. Also, can I ask Gargoyle, how is it you appear to be posting for other people - or have I got the wrong end of the stick? I'm just curious. 19 The Rithmatist 3 Role Playing 20 Writing Excuses 20 Reading Excuses 20 Mistborn: The Inquisition 20 Sanderson Elimination 20 Stormlight Archive 20 Mistborn 0 The Reckoners 0 Introduce yourself! 0 Tech Support 0 The Coppermind Wiki 0 Interview Database 0 Cosmere Short Stories 0 Other Stories 0 The Wheel of Time 0 TWG Archive 0 AMAs 0 Tech Discussion 0 Reckoners RPG 0 Social Groups, Clans, and Guilds 0 Entertainment Discussion 0 Elantris and Emperor's Soul 0 Alcatraz 0 Warbreaker 0 17th Shard Discussion 0 Creator's Corner 0 Events and Signings 0 General Discussion 0 General Brandon Discussion 0 Cosmere Theories

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I see that there are other comments on the humour. Just to be clear, I don't object to having humour, quite the opposite, but I think it should still fit with the tone of the story. That doesn't mean it needs to be dark. I've gone back and read that scene again, and I think my problem is really with Lumi's tone. What age is she supposed to be? To me, she sounds about 16/17. I think she is my single biggest concern with the story - as I've noted above - my concern being that she is becoming an objectified stereotype, even after you set her up as a capable warrior. I think her character and reactions need some refinement, possibly rethinking - but maybe that it not where it's going, so I will read on in hope! Promises? Hmm... 1) - Heavy implication that the Inquisitor (ripped straight out of Mistborn?!) is going to train Kang. 2) - Seems as if Kang is going to have to rescue Lumi, and possibly his father, or avenge him if the beasts kill him. (Danger! Level 5 stereotype alert!) 3) - Extension of 1), but seems that Kang is going to turn out to be really quite capable as a magic user. 4) - By setting up the physical attraction between Kang and Lumi you're promising a resolution of it, in some form. I think that's about it, from my pov. I don't know what your goals are for your story, but that message that is loud and clear - I think - from WE and in general, probably, is that if you want to get published you need to do something different, or do something unoriginal exceptionally well. I must say that you story does have some very familiar elements, like those promises, which are quite common in SFF gone by. Also, you have some elements that are very close to home on this site, like Inquisitors (Mistborn) and the Neetut sound a bit like trollocs (Wheel of Time). I like the kind of intuit feel to your story, but I would seriously consider changing the name 'inquisitor'.

I enjoyed this. I like the action scenes, which are gritty and pretty convincing, but certain character interactions and some detail bothered me. I also have some concern about how the female characters appear to be going. With the grammar and typos thing, I don’t know what package you use, but I would turn on the grammar checker, it will help you rule out a lot of these mistakes and make your writing look more polished – not to mention easier to read, which will dispose people better towards it when you’re submitting. I think you need to be a bit cautious about the way you treat Lumi. I'm okay with the young lad objectifying her in the sense that such would be normal behaviour for a teenage boy, but I would be wary of the narrative or the story / plot mainly presenting her in terms of her physical appearance. It seems from her set-up that she is capable and will should things to do, not just be love interest. Later, she seems to become the damsel in distress, which I found disappointing. That is a real stereotype and I hope that is not the way the story is going to play out. One thing I note is a common feature among the typos is plurals. “Manor’s doors” is no different from “Kang’s father,” both singular possessive. If it belongs to multiple people, the apostrophe comes afterwards, as in “All the soldiers’ swords...” For me, the exchange between Lumi and Kang ends up feeling very modern and out of place with what I take to be a the serious and dark tone of the story. She starts to sound like a character from Clueless! It’s not that this sort of light-hearted comedic stuff can’t work; I just thought the story was so dark and gritty in the main that this scene was a radical shift in tone. Like one minute we’re in ‘The 13th Warrior’ and the next minute we’re in ‘The Princess Bride’. I would struggle with that over the course of a whole Novella, I think it erodes the work done setting up the dark tone, which is good. I like the tension in the sudden attack, although I don’t know why there was a section break as it seems to follow immediately from him entering the latrine. I felt that the hiding was unrealistic. How can he see through slushy pee? If it’s slushy, that implies opaque to me. Also, I don’t think it would be possible to keep your eyes open – that is going to sting beyond pain, surely! Furthermore, the surface of the fluid would still be moving when the gryphon comes in, but I guess, as an animal, it might not take any heed of that – and yet it hears the sound of a couple of bubbles from him breathing out? In summary, I still think there is good potential in the story, and I'm keen to keep reading. I guess I was a bit more prepared for the typos this time. I’ve emailed you back a track changes. If you’re gonna send us untidy copy, I'm gonna track it!! ----------------------------------------------- I really don’t like what I guess is a snoring noise. Personally, I think it’s pretty funny, which I didn’t think was the tone that you were going for. You spend a lot of time talking about lanterns. I would be tempted to find another word for variation. You could say ‘lamp’ or ‘light’ or ‘globe’, something to break up the repetition. I like the detail of the lad’s bladder driving his priorities. It gives the scene a good touch of realism. At first, I wasn’t sure what you mean by the term ‘unit’ because of the clipped dialogue. It seems odd the Lumi spots him right away, whereas Variik presumably walks past him. It might be because he steps out when she’s coming, but that wasn’t clear. “A small frown crosses Lumis’ lips Lumi’s face.” – Lips don’t frown. “with multiple plainly adorned rooms on each side” – suggestion: unnecessary “Oh, so you want to attend the Academy?” This seems like a dumb question – he’s just said as much, hasn’t he? Like I said above, I hope Lumi is not going to be all moony over Kang. She comes across spirited and independent. I hope she is going to act that way. “The older guardswoman, Gizella, smiles at us...” Again, why does the female guard smile when the male soldiers appear more hard-bitten? I would think a female soldier might strive to be hardnosed and suppress their more feminine aspects. It raises a flag to me about the female characters and potential stereotyping. If Kang was bursting before, I would think he would be very uncomfortable by the time they get to the latrine, but his urgency seems to reduce or be forgotten about. “hitting me in the my temple” – suggestion: unnecessarily wordy

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10 General Brandon Discussion 9 Cosmere Theories 14 Mistborn 14 The Reckoners 15 The Rithmatist 19 Writing Excuses 14 Role Playing 20 Reading Excuses 20 Mistborn: The Inquisition 20 Sanderson Elimination 20 Stormlight Archive 0 Introduce yourself! 0 Tech Support 0 The Coppermind Wiki 0 Interview Database 0 Cosmere Short Stories 0 Other Stories 0 The Wheel of Time 0 TWG Archive 0 AMAs 0 Tech Discussion 0 Reckoners RPG 0 Social Groups, Clans, and Guilds 0 Entertainment Discussion 0 Elantris and Emperor's Soul 0 Alcatraz 0 Warbreaker 0 17th Shard Discussion 0 Creator's Corner 0 Events and Signings 0 General Discussion

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Ha, never heard that word before, had to look it up: An contagonist is a character who is generally on the hero/heroine's side in the story as they want the hero/heroine to achieve their ultimate goal. However, they feel the hero/heroine should go about reaching that goal in a different way than the hero/heroine does. So, joking apart, who is the protagonist and how is Irving's 'dirty deal' going to help their ultimate goal?

This is what I was getting at about short chapters working harder and revealing more. Maybe next week I'll just I'll just give Mandamon a 'vote up' for his comments and spare you my rambling!! (Joking, I love to ramble...)

So, is this the whole chapter? Not that I'm against short chapters, but I think they need to work harder to be effective. It’s an interesting reverie. It’s just as well that he makes the phone call or it would be a chapter without anything happening at all, just a man thinking. I'm good at those – you’re one up on some of mine for having the phone call! It’s interesting. I felt that I was learning stuff, which is good, although I wasn’t always clear what I was learning. It was good to have a solid indication of Irving motivations, but I'm not clear on what deal he has done. The thing that stands out for me from this submission is that Irving has become the most rounded character of the lot, because of this strong motivation to do something bad to try and help his wife. He has a moral dilemma, which none of the others seem to have. I guess what I mean is their motivations are to try and rid the world of evil, which is pretty basic and uncomplicated, whereas his is more complex and, frankly, more interesting. I think you should be looking for increased complexity in the motivations of some of the other characters, especially Renfield, who feels like a main character. Good chapter, it has got the little grey cells working, but I think it could deliver more punch by revealing a bit more, or by being a bit clearer in places. In Irving, I have found the character that I am most interested in. Like I said, I don’t think trying to rid the world of these evils monsters is interesting enough on its own to give a character depth. Looking forward to next week – keep it coming. --------------------------------------- I find the second paragraph unclear. Perhaps it’s because I don’t remember what his position is, but I'm not sure what he’s acting on or not, and what he’s trying to stop. Maybe I'm not supposed to, in which case I should be confused! In the last sentence of the third paragraph, there are various ‘his’-s. I don’t think it’s quite clear which male person is being referred to. I'm on a quest to eliminate as many as possible of these non-specific determiners and pronouns (it-s) from my writing, so it’s always clear who or what is being referred to. “a .45 loaded with silver bullets loaded beneath...” – suggestion: flow “in case her husband’s work followed him home” – nice line “laying a hospital bed breathing through a tube somewhere while he was stuck” – suggestion: unnecessary “for this her condition” – suggestion: clarity “think him a monster who for entering into a deal” – typo “Or at least they would think that at first. But maybe eventually they would understand why he did what he did.” – wordy “Stephanie and Jason were like his own kids” – suggestion: unnecessary “but now it seemed was unlikely she would live that long” – I flag this because it’s something I’ve become conscious of in my writing. ‘Seemed’ is an indirect word, saying maybe it is maybe it isn’t, not sure. It’s another thing I'm trying to work on, being more direct in the language, which I think helps the flow. “The creatures he lived [???] walked the world” – I don’t follow. “He hoped he would be the only one paying the price for it.” – I felt this was naive. Where’s the benefit to ‘the devil’ making the deal, if Irving is the only one who pays the price? It feels like he’s deluding himself here, I thought, which is maybe your intention.