Robinski

Err, no, I never for a moment considered the m/c as anything other than a women, but I had the advantage of my formative 70s neanderthal gender values which have imprinted on me the stereotype that only women do yoga. Clearly not true! (I've done some yoga myself), but helpful in this instance, even if buried deep (so deep) in my subconscious

Hey Hobbit, interested to read something different from you... ...and there we go. Apart from the few comments below, I thought that flowed very well, and it held my interest to the end, just. I thought the pacing was okay, although I would say that after two pages I was getting bored and not sure why I was reading. Things seemed to pick up around there and accelerated to the end as the pair got into their existential debate. I think maybe the issue was that Clara on her own was a bit whiny, and it was only with the foil of Dragon that she was brought a bit more out of herself to react to him. I presume that there is a myth or religious context to Dragon, but I don’t know my stuff well enough to know what that is. Clearly, I think the informed reader will get more out of references to 10 wives and such, but I was still able to enjoy the story. An edit would sharpen it up, I'm sure, but it was a good read, in my view. Thanks for submitting! <R> -------------------------------------------------------------- That first sentence is a doozie. It’s really long and a bit confusing. Not snappy enough for e first line, imho. “just taking some time to mediate” – meditate? “people who are lonely, and people who are pretending not to be” – these groups are not mutually exclusive. Someone could be in both groups. If you said something like, ‘people who don’t know they're lonely and people who are pretending not to be’, it would work, I believe. Although actually, I think you could pick holes in that pairing too. “Maybe if I go to my partner’s place, his cat will sleep on my head” – lmao

My approach to all such things as comma slices is to rutherlessly copy what published authors do. If you see it and read it in the fiction that you consume, then have at it - in my view

Yup. This is a big whole in the story. I'm surprised that more people did not refer to it.

A belated welcome to Reading Excuses from me, always glad to read a new author on here. Diving straight in, thoughts as I read with a summary at the end. “The iron cross had hardly seemed to tax me” – Words like this create doubt and reduce clarity. We’re in the m/c’s head, either it taxed him or it didn’t. “I hoped I didn’t have to use it, but hopefully he was just here to talk. But, the fact that he was standing in the one spot that didn’t have camera surveillance and that Bianca hadn’t mentioned him by name made me second guess that.” – Really wordy and kind of rambling. “He began changing as if he was made of wax and someone had gotten him had come too close to heat and started molding his features.” – The reader knows what heat does to wax, I don’t think you need to explain it. Also, ‘someone had gotten him’ really dulls the impact of the image. “Bianca recovered faster, and yanked me back” – This transformation scene bugged me. I reckon Ben must have stood there for about a minute, certainly 30 seconds, which I think is just bonkers. The length of the description feels like time passing to the reader. Once the guy starts ‘melting’, I struggle to believe Ben is going to just stand there and admire it. “She clung to my arm, her eyes wide” – I think this might be +1 on @kaisa ‘s fridge-o-meter. Is the female lead going to be a ‘classical’ heroine who clings to the m/c’s arm the whole time? “She passed her knife to me” – Ooh, yes... Doesn’t she know how to throw it? Did she stand there waiting until he had thrown his to hand him her’s? The description of Ben’s stabbing is good; I get a strong impression of what he’s feeling. “Up close, I would likely survive” – It’s all ‘I, I, I...’ here. What is the girl doing all this time? “I would not let him get to Bianca” – Yeah, seems that she is a helpless damsel in distress. “but he was good” – Is he not an ‘it’ at this point? Seems like the man has transformed into a hideous, inhuman monster. “walking towards me, into my room” – Suddenly, I'm disoriented. They had walked out of his room to meet the man, now they are back in the room? Okay, I have a BIG issue with Bianca’s role in this. I am by no means whatever a feminist, ask around here. But it’s not even about gender issues, it’s about believably. You've made her completely inactive and ineffectual in a way that is completely unbelievable, that she would just stand there and do nothing more than hand Ben a knife when his is lost. She doesn’t even shout or scream or anything, throw something, ran away, DO something! This problem quickly dominated the whole submission for me. I'm sorry, but it’s a real fault. Err, sorry, rant over. There were some nice touches of description and mood setting, although I don’t have any physical sense of the surroundings or the people, so I end up forming generic pictures. Still, there is good action from near the start. Because I don’t get if any blocking, I don’t know if it’s surprising that no one comes along. How far from help are they? Is there are road? Where does the rescuer come from? I’ve griped a lot here, apologies for that, and all this stuff can be fixed quite easily if you see it as a problem. I'm interested to read more to see what Bianca’s part is, and if the creatures are the norm, whether it’s a body-jacking sort of story, a la Invasion of the Body-Snatchers, or something different. <R>

Hey there, a belated welcome from me to Reading Excuses. Always keen to read material from new members. So, jumping straight in... Landon - This first section read pretty smoothly. I felt there were some clunky phrases, a couple of words repeated close together, an odd strange word choice, but nothing in the mechanics in that an edit couldn't fix easily. There were names and background context that I didn't know, of course, but could pretty much get the idea. His daughter being there and the mother not was a little odd, but then I don't know the background. Presume the mother is not dead, as he is writing to her and having it delivered, and it seems that he is sending his daughter away, which does beg the question why she is there in the first place, rather than with the mother. But none of those question matter really, since I'm not commenting on the context that I don't have. - So, it's more about the style and the immediate events, or course. Firstly, there is little description, so the setting doesn't come alive for me, it's pretty much blank. Also, I have little description, and therefore picture of what the characters look like, so they tend to be anonymous. Emotionally, Landon misses his wife, worries for his daughter and gets angry when she is threatened. For me, there's no 'wow'. These are all very familiar tropes. - I don't fully grasp the situation. Presuming Landon is a 'goodie', then it seems like he's on the wrong side of the law for some reason. I'm not clear why. The constables, i.e. law enforcement establishment, at first, seem to be acting within what I think would be reasonable guidelines for subduing a suspect. That all changes when they start to rough up the daughter. It goes further than damsel in distress when it's his child that's involved, so I believed that. I was also okay with his being taken over by bloodlust/rage/special ability, and felt some threat to the girl because he seemed to be out of control. The depiction of that could have been slightly more effective, I felt, as it was a bit unclear in places, but still worked ok for me. Raist - Saluting then kneeling, seems weird and redundant. - A handful of typos, but again, this read through pretty smoothly. I get a decent picture of events, although little specific imagery. Still, I can conjure up a generic interior to place events in. - I am quickly more interested in Raist in this short section than I was in Landon in the last. Raist has abilities that he doesn't like to use but, more interestingly, he has power that he also seems at odds with. Clearly, he is ruthless, and knows what has to be done to reach his goal, to keep order and be effective, and yet he struggles to deal with it, as evidenced by his hurling after doing the deed. This all adds up for me to make him more complex, with inner conflicts that I would like to know more about. - However, you mention in your introduction that Raist is a general. I find it hard to believe that an actual general, commander of thousands of men, would get his hands dirty in this way, and be dealing with such relatively low matters. That jarred for me, as did the part about Raist using his power and nobody noticing. Surely, all his men noticed that the wall just blew in and a mysterious force downed their target just when Raist arrived. I got the sense that they all knew it was him. Raynauld 1 - Characters waking up at the start of a scene, and blacking out at the end of one, seems old hat to me, kind of unsophisticated. If feel that there are more imaginative and potentially effective ways to catch the reader's attention at the start of a chapter/section/scene. I felt that you turned my view of this scene around with the fact that he'd fallen asleep waiting for news. I thought that added a dimension to the situation, although it didn't go anywhere and he just turned out to be drunk. - If the wine is sticky then to me it's not dried, it seems to me. Raynauld 2 - "four curved pies of a circle" - Lol, realise you meant pieces, but actually those pieces have a name, you could say quadrants, sectors or arcs. - "giving the illusion" - Learning near the end that the daughter has been dispensed with (is that right?) is troubling. I feel sure that you will get some jip for that from certain other critics, and I would be forced to agree. In the lead up to her apparent demise, the girl gets no lines and is barely even seen, isn't described and is then objectified by one of the constables. That last can be written off as the guard's misogyny, but in general, it seems that the girl is just a tool to make the reader sympathise with Landon, and not a person at all. Even if she did have a background and voice in earlier parts of the story, she is dispensed with quickly in this submission. In summary, I read through this quickly (smoothly) enough, but I don't get much sense of identity from anyone, apart maybe from Raist. The setting as well feels vague, generic fantasy urban, or at least that what I superimpose on it because of the limited description. These are my main complaints. Given the little I know about the situation, I don't really care all that much what happens to the characters, because I don't have any set up to invest in, or promises to read on for the answers to. You mentioned that this is 850 pages into your story. I'm surprised, as this tends to feel like set up rather than resolution; maybe it's just being dropped in that late. Is that mark near the end of the story? I would hope so, as you must be at about 200,000 words on normal manuscript format. It's a long old haul to get though if there is new stuff still being set up, and with description that could be more vibrant and memorable. I hope there are some helpful observations in here. Thanks for submitting. <R>

In summary, I was starting to weary of chapters where Sira explores the clouds and learns (a little) more about her abilities with the suit and its equipment. I can debate with myself whether Chapter 14 is one too many, but we’re quickly into meeting Tom, which was good, and then the scene-sequel chapter with Mom, also welcome. I think my main gripe, if it is a gripe, is that the pacing is a bit flat. There’s good, enjoyable writing, interesting situations and nicely-drawn (if maybe unspectacular) secondary characters, but no plot. I like the style, and Sira is good fun, but I just don’t know where it’s going. Sira has no goals, there’s nothing for the reader to root for. So, in the same way that I was starting to weary for ‘action’ after Chapter 14, I am not wearying for plot. In fact, whatever the plot is, I think we need to signposts much earlier, some promises to the reader, which are fairly sparse up to this point in the story. Please don’t take this as a major gripe. I've really enjoyed reading to this point, but there is and has been room for even greater enjoyment. <R> p.s. after reading @Mandamon's comments, I would second wholeheartedly. I mentioned the distance over which she saw Red Suit watching her, but there are other physicals things that I kind of glossed over in my head. I would definitely revise some of these parameters in the edit. Chapter 14 “to silently fling into the troposphere” – don’t like ‘fling’, that’s like throwing something else. “She noticed the red figure watching her go” – I don’t buy this. She’s on the ground now, I think the distance is too far for her to be able to tell this, or maybe even see the red figure at all. Decent chapter, but it’s another chapter of Sira testing the equipment and making discoveries. It feels like filler or a placeholder to allow time to pass. In a movie, this would probably be a montage. Chapter 15 “we come in peace to destruction destroy your planet” – Okay, wait, why is she talking funny when addressing imaginary people? Is it supposed to be how Mercurians speak? Bit disorienting. “data show that you still taste like chicken. Prepare for doom” – Lol. “The words were a jumble to Sira.” – Yeah, me too, I think he must have a shorter term for this. “The first reasons that come to mind would probably get me popped in the nose” – Excellent!! And rather stalk-y, but in a friendly, non-threatening, smitten kind of way, I think. And then, “I’m following you because there’s no one else to follow” – nice line. I'm glad we have another character. The story needed it. I moaned a bit about the last chapter, but I guess the timing was about right. If you did want to compress it, you might look at how to combine these two chapters, I suppose. Anyway, enjoyable encounter, nice dialogue with good quips, I enjoyed it. Chapter 16 “So far, you’re quieter than I hoped” – lol. “Sira’s mind aroused” – Hmm, I think roused would be fine. “experiences in the clouds grew had grown more and more involved” – tense seems a bit off here and in other places, from time to time. You use the past tense as if her experiences in the clouds are finished and in the past, rather than the perfect tense, for actions that started in the past, but continue into the present. There’s a lot of this on RE. Good place for a short scene-sequel chapter. I enjoyed the awkward exchange she has with her mom.

Sounds as if maybe that story is ill-conceived. Not all ideas have to be followed up.

Why you take some words out, of course Seriously though, it's not often that phrasing is so perfect that it can't stand to be changed a bit. Take a word or two out of every two lines through phrasing and you will soon take 5-7% out of your chapter. It's not 'fun' (unless you are a twisted grammar fiend, stupidly competitive - like me!!), but it works.

It might be the weekend. I'll do what I have to date.

This is an interesting topic, thanks @Quiver. I've spent the last two-and-a-half years or so going through WE from the beginning. I like your summary, @WeiryWriter. A small adjunct, in Season 9, the team included the brainstorming and critiquing of the four stories that they wrote for their Shadows Beneath anthology, which is a lovely thing and very interesting to read and review how the stories evolved. I reckon that took them about 8 episodes, but it didn't theme the whole series. I am now about Season 10, Episode 23. I've been slowed down considerably I've been doing the writing prompts as I go (well, about 70-80% of them). Because I'm in Season 10, the 'Masterclass' - I'm doing almost all of them as I compile my current novel - which is frustrating, because after 23 episode, I just want to be writing flat out!!

Lol, @M.Puddles, are you sure you were doing it right?

Lol, well I've been going through them for the past 2 years or so, and have something close to what you are seeking in Word format. I am about Season 10, Episode 23 at the moment, so I'm not bang up to date. If I can find a minute, I may be able to post them up here as a public service. I don't think that would a copyright issue, as they are intended for 'public' / podcast subscriber use. Maybe I will Tweet that question to the team first.

I would say that is very much depends on the person or body involved. As, @zmunkz says, some sources will be gratis, however if you are contacting a commercial entity or sole practitioner, they may charge. Then again, if there is some prospect of positive promotional advantage, they may take the view that they are pleased to be associated with a project. Conversely, issues of professional confidence or commercial sensitivity may mean that you get nothing from them at all, paying or not. Do you have a particular instance in mind?

Strongly disagree. The tone / mood of a character in the dark, small hours of the night will be completely different from that in the daily routine. I don't think there is any issue with through tone. Again, to me, the through-plot of Ch1 to 5 is learning about the character, but I agree we need story now. Yes. But, as noted above, I think you have five chapters here that the reader can clip through at a good pace and quickly become immersed in the character and the setting. I would be sad to think that you would go back a load more words into these chapters, slowing down the direct delivery of tone, style, character and setting. I do agree on the story point though. For my part, I would suggest lacing some story details into Chapter 5, maybe Chapter 4 - but just hints for the reader to pick up, not full on exposition. I think this is excellent first draft work, and I would not tamper with it significantly.

Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!! Don't do it, seriously, they are perfect length right now. Perfect.

Hello and belated welcome (from me) to Reading Excuses. Sorry this is so late but, on the plus side, I'm caught up now. (Bully for me!) I'm always interested to ‘pick up’ a new submitter’s work. It must be that sense of the unexpected! I’ll do notes as I read then sum up at the end. From the off, I like the idea of relatively short chapters, however the title did nothing to stimulate my interest. Chapter 1 Paragraph 1 – there’s enough to keep me reading. No hook, but a nice line or two. I get a clear and engaging voice, despite the dark tone. Page 1 – yes, some nice lines laced with dark, fatalistic humour that I still find engaging. I'm on board for the moment. “Thin red veins of stretch marks” – I would have said stretch marks are usually thicker than veins. I guess they can differ but, at 50, believe me, I know whereof I speak. “about as thick as an earthworm” – creepy image, nice. “an old desaturated photo” – my head said ‘faded?’ “The loop went over my head and around my neck” – this sounds once removed, like he’s not placing it himself. “I could see my feet inches from the end of the chair” – edge? I never think of a chair having an end. “The room faded, my eyes dropped, and I fell still and unconscious…” – This kind of thing is a POV cheat, I always think. He would not be conscious at the point his body stilled. “and poured tears from my eyes” – it’s not really a conscious decision to pour the tears out. Personally, I think the ending his more impact without the last line. But, a good punch line. Certainly keen to keep reading. Chapter 2 “donned in shirts” – donned means ‘put on’ (i.e. the shirt), I’m thinking ‘garbed’, which means dressed in. “He seemed content with this, so I was too” – This sort of thing is good characterisation. With 4 words, you say so much more about Tyler’s character. Another good, snappy chapter, expanding on the background and the character, filling in details of his life, his abilities and the world around him. Nice work. Chapter 3 “I don’t like how there is only a single “correct” answer.” – Hmm, not strictly true in some instances, I think. “leaving the outliers like me to dedicate our class time to pursuits other than the finer points of mathematics” – I'm very much enjoying your narrative. It has an efficient yet colourful flow to it that is pleasing. Very few superfluous words, everything is working to create character, setting and tone. I like it. “landing on the moon with Anna Kendrick and celebrating our honeymoon” – lol, however the thing that occurs to me in cases like this is, will anyone remember Anna Kendrick in 20/30 years time? Lee and Kirby – undoubtedly, but I always think be wary of pop culture references that are obscure enough to not work for a proportion of the readers. Secondly, he could do better. I'm thinking Anne Hathaway, but I will stop now James Hurley – lol. James is an important character in (original) Twin Peaks. I'm interested if you know this or not? I could easily see you as a Lynch fan!! “being eighteen in Alberta” – Ah ha. This jarred slightly, as if I expected to know where we were before now. Strange. “the abuse became more verbal than emotional” – physical? “Who knows?” – question. For me, your portrait of Mr. Jeremy is entertaining and, almost, lyrical. Very nicely done. Chapter 4 “or made-out with their girlfriend of that week” – I think, and “they the only people around were teenagers smoking and drinking from paper bag-covered bottles” – hyphen conventionally used for compound adjectives. “while people watching watched” A solid chapter, I enjoyed it, but it felt slower. No bad thing. We learn more about the setting and about the people around Tyler that he cares for. I get a nice picture of small town living** (see below). My wife is from Creston, B.C., so I know something about this, despite being and Glasgow, Scotland city boy. The thing is, good as the writing and the set-up are, I'm beginning to hanker for some plot. Chapter 5 “Are Dragon Ball Z references dated now?” – Yes, but I’ll allow it “I had super strength” – Whoa, whoa, whoa – you're going to have to explain that one. Being ‘immortal’ is one thing, but where did the super strength come from? Are we talking bending iron bars, leaping tall buildings in a single stride? That was not trailed at all, so I feel a bit peeved if that is what we are talking about. If this is the situation, I think you need to hang and lantern on the ‘late’ revelation of this fact here. “Stephan Hawking” – Stephen Hawking “which was always a pleasant sound” – pleasing? Or not. “breaking it town down to mere ideas” “Rain check on the chicken parmesan” – continuity, it was taco salad before. ** “started towards the subway station a few blocks away” – Ha ha, so we’re actually in Edmonton. My mental image was of somewhere much smaller, and I slipped into that assumption, even though you mentioned Edmonton before. I guess I just assumed we were in the burbs, but when the subway station ‘appeared’, I found it jarring. “What good was being able to poke my finger through a brick wall if all I wanted to do was put a bullet through my skull?” – So, he does have super strength, I did not pick that up before and feel that it wasn’t trailed with the invulnerability thing near the beginning. Well, I really enjoyed that, I thought it was well written with a strong voice and clear narrative line. I’ve learned all I need to know (I feel) at this stage of the story, and I am now hungry for plot. My main quibble is that I felt like the super strength was not really revealed at the beginning along with the invulnerability thing, which felt slightly like a small cheat. Also, it’s a little surprising that he can’t see an application for super strength, of which there are many. However, I think I can overlook that easily enough, as a result of his depression and not being able to see worth in himself. The other thing I would note again is that, personally, I think you've gone as far as you can without introducing plot. We’ve come through five entertaining and interesting chapters, and have followed a nice arc from Tyler’s house back to Tyler’s house. Now we need some story. Very much looking forward to the next submission. Great job. <R>

I would come right out a say this, not quite in those terms, but show these things more overtly through his inner thoughts. I don't get a great sense of innocence from Aurem. I don't see him struggling with the concept of domestic violence, which I think is one of the things that makes him seem more mature. Lol. A great tip, which I've been using for a while, and maybe you know it already, is to read your dialogue out loud. It's a quick and easy way (I think) to at least identify if dialogue is not working. It doesn't automatically identify the solution, unfortunately!! Glad the notes helped

Okay, similar problem - no. Advice, I think this is an easy one personally. Set yourself up to write for 15 minutes about each of the three ideas and see which one you get into and starts to excite you the most. If none of them do, you might need to generate some ideas, but at worst, it's only cost you 45 minutes of writing time. SImples!

In the interests of freeing up time for writing, I'm going to try a more summarised commenting style on some submissions. Apologies if this seems briefer than usual, but hopefully there is still something useful in here! So, back into Chapter 1, I'm going to try and just read through briskly without getting caught up in detail. I enjoyed this quite a bit more than the first version, but I still have issues, the main ones highlighted in blue below. First is the tone of some of the dialogue, which I felt was off, or certainly not to my taste. Other parts are good, but some of it did not ring true to me. My main issue was with Aurem’s level of concern over the incident. I get that he detests what has happened, but I feel like I need something more to explain the strength of his reaction, especially if he ends up going before the elder, as he did in the first version. Anyway, I need to say good job here. I think you've really embraced the comments from first time around and taken a good step forward here, imho. Really interested to read the next part now. <R> “Telethas had had a free day today, and he had” –awkward phrasing. “hare-spooked” – odd phrase, how is this different from plain spooked? I am enjoying this much more than the previous version. We’re getting character and setting, and I have a better sense of their age. “both boys dismounted” – This is the second time you’ve used ‘both’. It’s something that really bugs me. There are only two of them in the scene. If you say the boys dismounted it is perfectly clear what is going on. “the way you hate taking care of your grandmother” – Ooh, Telethas just dropped several notches in my estimation. “Or how whenever Mira comes to the smithy, you make sure you’re shirtless so you can watch her squirm” – lol “And you help people freely” – apart from his grandmother! “You really think I’m all those things?” – This felt overly gushy to me, like full on bromance. “I can hide it from everyone else,” he said, “but not from you.” Aurem smiled and put his hand on Telethas’s arm. “And I wouldn’t have it any other way,” he said. “You’re my best friend, jerk or not” – No, sorry, I was gagging here. It’s too much for my taste. “One week later, the weather had chilled and yellow leaves streamed from the trees like rain.” – This is a good, strong image. A short line, but I get an excellent image of autumnal surroundings. “and that was enough to tell Aurem that Telethas had no come to invite him to dinner, or to ask him on a hunting excursion, or to weasel him into spending a late night at the pub” – Very long-winded to make the point. “Selnest? They’re chaining him in the Elder’s hut?” – Some of the dialogue is rather limp. Here, Aurem just repeats what Telethas says, in that way of the Lassie movies (or rather, the spoofs). “What’s that? There’s someone trapped down the well?” The line is followed by some nice background, however. “Months?” Aurem repeated” – That’s about all he has done. His thoughts are well balanced, and I like the tone of them, like “alternating between approaching what Helia must have gone through, then recoiling from it”, but his dialogue often is not very interesting. “let the Elder’s Circle figure it out on their own” – I'm a bit puzzled here, and this marks out a difficulty that I had with the first version. Why is it that a couple of 16 year-old boys are the only ones who seem sufficiently bothered about this to take it to the elders personally? Why now is Aurem so hot and bothered about it? It seems like the sort of reaction that any number of people in the village might have. I would like there to be some special reason that Aurem is bothered about it. Maybe he was feeling for the wife for some reason, a school boy/teacher crush, or was having an affair with her. Maybe someone in his family was abused, his aunt or grandma for example, some kind a rationale for him to be more than just appalled, but to take action and feel so strongly. “We’re eating at the pub tonight” – Here and in the section leading up to this, describing so many people in the square, I get a nice sense of community. “It’s worse” – this line came over comical to me, but that’s not the tone that I get from the story. “because I don’t know” – There’s an awful lot of knowing around this part. Personally, I would tend to look for another word for one of the instances at least. “But the Elder doesn’t know what Darè told my mother” – re: my comment about his motivation, this seems rather convenient and the listening post a bit contrived for my liking. Did Aurem’s friends spy on his mother to see her going in, then managed to get the table by the listening hole when the pub is so busy? This insider knowledge does help with my concern about his motivation, but he was thinking of going to the elder before this came to him. Also, do you explain what Dare is? I'm thinking physician or midwife. I like the way you dealt with his friend recounting the information to Aurem, I fairly clipped through that bit. Also, the arguing among the friends was good. Convincing in tone. “Darè's his daughter, Aurem” – This really comes over as maid-and-butler. Aurem must know this. “And this was a year ago, Aurem” – You use a lot of names in the dialogue. This is another mark against it, imho. In my experience, people do not talk this way. When you are addressing someone, you don’t need to use their name all the time, because they can see you are talking to them. “killed someone on by accident” – unless this is some strange dialectic thing. “The Elder’s come out of his hut to make an announcement,” Hargust continued. “The Circle has made their decision” – This seems like stating the obvious. Let the reader work out some stuff for themself, even small obvious stuff like this. it will be more satisfying (or less insulting!) for them. I like the conclusion, it’s not a cliff-hanger, which I think is good, and still begs questions of the reader about what happens next, and what Aurem how his friends might react.

In the interests of freeing up time for writing, I'm going to try a more summarised commenting style on some submissions. Apologies if this seems briefer than usual, but hopefully there is still something useful in here! And sorry for the delay, pressure of work and all that I was entertained once again, however the structure of this submission was a bit frustrating, I did not appreciate being snatched out of the confrontation with the evil chap after just getting his description. Also, the dream are description heavy and lighter on action. Having these dream interludes one after the other is a lot of description to without much activity. In terms of character, Sofia’s certainly is consistent. Ellis’s is too, but only in as much as I don’t really get much from him. I can’t think of a single trait that I would use to describe him. Maybe brave, I suppose, he does not hesitate in confronting threat. I might have said inquisitive too, but he was complete disinterested in the book so, probably not. In summary, if this submission is indicative of the level of description to plot throughout the book, I don’t think I would have the stamina to get through it completely. On that basis, I'm hoping for the pace to pick up a bit in the next submission, and will be keen to read to find out. <R> Chapter 3 “He watched the ground ripple and turned lucid as a vast lake became the landscape” – there’s something amiss here, I think. Surely it’s ‘turn’ for one thing, but is ‘lucid’ the word? The transition back from the dream is odd, underwhelming. Maybe that’s the way it is. They seem to disregard the snake very quickly. I did not get the sense that its threat was negated just because it is wedged. “Then let's burke this thing” – I don’t know what this means. I looked it up and it’s a term I’ve never heard. I'm confused, why does Ellie need to hold back, because he’s a new sentry? I didn’t get the impression before that his power was any less than the others. Maybe I've forgotten something said in the last submission. “Three enemies," he told them” – No, this is a problem for me. He’s talking like he has authority when he’s just received this information from Sofia. She knows more than him and surely should be doing the briefing. “We're going to burke this monster” – repetition. This is not a common word. Why do you use it instead of ‘smother’? For one thing, burke is defined as murder by smothering, as far as I can see, but they are not murdering the snake, it’s essentially self defence. I don’t think this term conveys the right sense of the situation. “Sofia pushed herself back onto her feet” – since when was she not standing up? At the Count of Morning Is this how the story goes, or have you just dropped the interludes into this submission? I'm really quite cross at being jerked out of the burgeoning combat situation. “There was a stone treasure chest walking around the tent, moved by tiny little feet coming out of its bottom corners.” – Have you read Pratchett? This is pretty much straight out of The Colour of Magic and The Light Fantastic. I think you need to do something to make it (more) different. However, “A creature made entirely of four crocodile heads, arranged in a perfect cross” – awesome!! “and touched the raw esprit, absorbing them it into his body” This interlude is fine in itself, but I have not context for it. Sofia being there is extra weird. “Save your stuff for the road. Let's keep going” – Did she drop out of the fight for this? I need some context. Lotus and Lily You mentioned character being consistent. I’ll come back to that, but I like the characterisation of the children in this scene. I think you’ve got that nicely through Ellis’ petulant dialogue and Sofia haranguing her brother. “sprinting squinting her eyes” – right? I was a bit disoriented in the dream. I guess there is a difference between dream and memory, of course, quite reasonable. But it seems that they are not actually asleep in the dream, or that is the aim, but Ellis falling into the memory would have brought sleep on? I'm not entirely clear. Parlei Adler “fourteen hands sported sprouted out of his back” “the grocery bag she tired tied around Neckle's neck” “She sat onto on the grass” – I would say one climbs (up) onto something, but doesn’t sit (down) onto something.

Wow, awesome!! Thanks @Hobbit, great to hear. Excellent - mission accomplished. I totally get that these talking heads are more likely to be devoid of emotion, and that Giulia's is much more internal narrative, therefore likely to have some emotional resonance. I feel like I could have done better on this front with the sex-worker. What I'm finding is that I'm not investing as much effort in these exercises as I would in the story proper, partly through my keenness to get through them to the nitty-gritty or writing the story. Hey, I will take that, considering that I didn't really put the hard hours into the scene, and that it's half-finished, and not really sitting in the correct context of a through plot line. Really appreciate your comments, Hobbit - thank you so much

Yes, no, this is fine. Nowhere in these perspectives does the main conflict of the particular story I have in mind appear and, although the VR body aspect of the androids is the gee whizz for one story, the presence of androids themselves is hardly original, 'gee whizz'-wise. I'm still world-building here, and still following the exercises without really getting into my story (frustratingly). Bingo - there you have it!! (sort of) Thanks for the comments, @Coop, much appreciated.

Agreed. I was not thinking about that at all, and this really was kind of dashed out, to some degree. I suspect that Toni would have become more intimidating in the face of Paxton's resistance. Toni wants to get (keep) his hooks in Paxton, but the man is trying to send Toni the message that he's a government man (now) and can't be bought. No doubt this situation would come to a head in a more intense way, but maybe not even in this scene at all. Interesting, as @kaisa didn't like Moth this time. Thank you, RD!

Awesome! Yeah, this really is something I need to work on. Thanks for the comments, @kaisa, and for reading - much appreciated. [edit] Lol - senior moment!!! I already replied. Clearly, your comments were so good I answered twice.