Robinski

Thanks for the comments @Silk and @Ace of Hearts, I really appreciate them, and to @Demiurgess for commenting offline by tracking and emailing the file. And, as ever, to @Mandamon.

These comments are all really good stuff, and I strongly suspect I'll take almost all of them into the update draft. There will be a delay in that draft though, as I have to set this aside in order to finished Draft 1 of Book 3 first, before coming back to this in a week or two.

Thanks to everyone who read. It's been super helpful to be back in the fold  

Hey there

In summary, I enjoyed the action, but found a lot of it confusing and a bit underwhelming because of the lack of description, and how easily the creatures were defeated (lack of peril). The bit around A’s fight with the wolves was good, and I felt a little peril there, but it was over quickly. Also, I forgot why they have come to the island, and I think a callback to that would be useful, to give context on the relationship between the squad and the locals.

Detail

I’m pleased to encounter some action in this sub, and it is exciting, but I don’t feel as much peril as I would like. I never felt like A’s and her soldiers were in any danger. In large part I think this is because there is little description of the attacking monsters, how many they are, what they are attacking. It would be good to feel that they were some kind of threat, perhaps by getting some description of them destroying something on the beach, or even killing, or at least chasing some locals.

I find the combat a bit tactically simplistic. Soldiers running around on the beach while troops fire from the wall over (relatively) large distances is a recipe for the foot soldiers being cut down by friendly fire. Also, I feel I’m lacking blocking on both the island and (as above) the attackers, but it’s hard to understand how the fight is working. Then, A charges into the wolves while the soldiers on the wall are shooting them. Those soldiers have no way to know she’s going to charge, so the chances of her being shot be they are really high.

I also don’t understand the scale of the place, and the (lack of) description doesn’t help me. It’s said that A is quarter of the way around the island, but the soldier can still hit her target from the wall? What about hills, trees, other obstacles? The distances don’t add up. If that island is so small she can cover quarter of it that quickly, it can’t possibly produce enough food to feed its population.

The swear from A during the combat is way out of character based on what I’ve read, and seems really off tone for the story (the bit I’ve read).

I continue to struggle with feeling any peril, because the monsters are defeated so easily, and the lack of description of them undermines peril too. Without peril it’s hard to invest in the character stakes. Referring to a horde of monsters isn’t enough to convey their numbers or the danger they represent. The wolf fight was pretty good, but I need to feel the same thing for the fight as a whole. And as I think I mentioned on the last sub, the lack of description of sounds, sensations, 

“A tossed a boomerang up to one of the guards” – but she is quarter of the way around the island?! And there’s no indication that she moved because she’s still with the boy. I just can’t put the blocking of events together in my head.

(Further details in emails file.)

On 12/25/2023 at 8:53 PM, Silk said:

This is very funny, especially since I initially misread it as saying the implication was TMM is nothing but one massive run-on sentence.

  Well, if life can be a sentence...

On 12/25/2023 at 8:53 PM, Silk said:

It was actually "in angle" that got me more than "schlumping," which was clear enough, though onomatopoeic. And yes, you can totally slouch when sitting.

Okay, I just meant in the corner of the room/building/walls. I'll review further.

Thanks!  

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

"An hour of emergency operating time for three people” unsure if this is an hour each or an hour between the three of them (as in a man-hour), though not sure it matters given the setup so far.

Check - clarified that it's each.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

P2 “Once close enough, he slashed the fabric…” I wonder if we can get a transition that is just a tiny bit more ominous here, something that better signals the shift from “I have a plan” to “the plan is murder.”

Check. Done.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

“Her mistake had caused the ragged tear…” “her mistake had caused” just to clarify that this refers to the previous crash, not something that is happening right now?

Check.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

P3 “the extra thirty minutes of air—extra two hours once…” Not sure the math adds up here: killing the first person adds thirty minutes but killing the second adds an extra ninety minutes on top?

Yeah, he's just aggregating the increases. So, with them having an hour each, he and S get an extra 30 mins when he kills L, but when he kills S he has 2 hours more than he started with before he killed anyone.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

I stumbled on “can’t delegate discipline.” It’s a great line, just not sure what it has to do with making sandwiches.

Reworded, thanks

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

P4 “He would have strangled Q…” stumbled on “he” here, maybe just because the reference to N was a couple sentences ago?

Check.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

“She thought about shooting Q’s son in the head” Oh, but THIS, this very baldly stated juxtaposition with very normal things, this works very well. (The sentence is missing a period at the end though :P)

Check! 

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

p5 “...bought the concern to remind her of choosing to anoint him” Tripped on this sentence – it’s a bit convoluted, even for someone who’s read TMM.

I mean, it would help if I got her cousin's name right after two books: it's M as in Super M, not M as in M Polo  - Also, yeah, clarified the line... by making it longer, obviously   Furthermore, I love the interpretation of this comment that implies TMM is nothing but massive run-on sentences

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

Also, I’m assuming from all the glances off-screen that Something Is Up with M’s friend.

Clarified. She'd supposed to be looking at her brother who's urging there to ask if M's coming on the exercise. Probably doesn't really come out, but I've clarified.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

P6 “Where the… did that come from?” Because you’ve italicized Q’s dialogue throughout this snippet the italics here make it easy to read as a continuation of the dialogue when it’s not. You might be able to get away without?

Check. Dropped the italics and reworded slightly to put it in int-monologue narrative.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

“even schlumping in angle of front and side windows” I’m using the word “stumble” a lot, but yeah, here too. I don’t actually know what this means?

Totally fair, it's not clear. Mandamon called it too. I've changed to 'slouched', can you slouch when sitting? I think you can.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

P7 “Wasn’t like the calories… went into data processing.” HAH. This, however, is great.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

“Hard to tell the waking nightmares…” this is astoundingly forthright of M, really.

Yeah, but I figured it was on-brand.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

P8 “genuine 2000’s compressed would pulp” should be “wood” of course.

 - I'm beyond saving, really.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

P10 “busy making serious face” missing word in here somewhere

Have reworded. It was intentional. Maybe should have hyphenated 'serious-face', but now changed.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

p11 “As J decided on how to rescue T…” Wait, is this an actual rescue mission? If so, I feel like that needs to come up earlier in the scene. We get M’s anxiety that he’s been separated from the rest of the crew, but until now I had thought that was her feeling anxiety about a planned operation, not that something had gone wrong. Unless this is a drill?

It's a drill. Changed 'rescue' to 'retrieve'.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

P12 “You’re relieved of temporary command” – repetition of M’s “took over command” comment above

Check.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

“…no more danger than we are.” Hah. Great line to end the scene on.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

“...and shot Lieutenant S…” Well that escalated quickly. More seriously, we already know that whats-his-pickle is a bad dude, but I wonder if a little more buildup of “all is not well” is in order here. Could be as simple as M getting a chance to expand on what’s not right, as opposed to just “something” while S ignores her.

Good point. I'll review that as I read through.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

P16 I been through the sims a thousand times.” missing opening quote

Check.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

“alien barbecue” noooooo

Muah ha-hah

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

p17: so in this scene, M references the first-aid thing as a chance to communicate with S. Great! Good cloak-and-dagger, counter-espionage stuff. Except… then that doesn’t happen.

Check. Have closed this circle.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

God, this guy is such an a-hole.

I’m a little surprised he doesn’t at least put up a show of “totally not going to kill you all, UNLESS,” though, if only because “do what I say and everything will be fine” seems like a more convincing way to get people to help you without melting into screaming panic than “do what I say or I’ll kill you sooner,” as M so astutely pointed out,

I'll look into this in the edit. I take your point

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

So far, I have no idea what’s happening with T and the heat shield, or what M is attempting to accomplish by throwing herself off the ship. I’m on board for finding out though.

Yeah, I think I will need to clarify that, as others have raised it.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

Overall: Just because it’s a short piece, I wonder if it takes a little too long to get to “there’s an escape pod out there that shouldn’t be;” maybe not to actually arrive there but at least to get the setup that something’s out there that shouldn’t be. I’m engaged with M and co’s antics just fine, but it does take a while for the story to actually spell out the connection between the two POV characters (even though we’re expecting a connection).

That said, once the two stories do intersect, things start happening very quickly – possibly even too quickly. We skip over things like what happened to T and how much danger he’s actually in, or at least would be under normal circumstances, and the team’s discovery of the bodies and G putting them to work. Granted, the latter is stuff we already know, but it did strike me as a bit of a weird jump.

Check. Noted these things for review in the full edit

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

I’m also very curious as to what the antagonist’s plan actually is. I’d sort of wondered up at the top, then discarded it because it was too early to be complaining about not knowing, but I can only assume he wasn’t expecting to run into M and her crew.

All that said this is pretty minor stuff. I’m bought in and enjoying watching M try not to swear her way through this adventure

Super  

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

I had to read the sentence a second time (it was the "mean" comment that made me do the double-take) but once I did I did cotton onto the the "omg an actual clipboard" thing, so this is probably just one of those YMMV things.

Yup, that's reworded slightly after Mandamon calling it.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

The conversation remains delightful, and is a fun little nod to TBB but - since one of the common comments seems to be that we could get to the core of the story a bit quicker - do we need it at all? The only thing it adds to the Q&M canon is the "where does that come from" comment from M, which is lovely and is going to play well with people who have read other Q&M stories and with those who haven't, not at all - especially since I'm assuming Q does not figure into the rest of this story either.

He doesn't. Yeah, noted. One of my major actions now is (of course) to streamline the first half so we can get into the second half faster.

Great comments. Much appreciated. This will really help to uplift the story. Thanks!!

                                                   [Blargh! Why does 'it' merge comments?! Is there a way to stop it doing that?]

...and thanks too to @Demiurgess for her comments by email! 

Great stuff. Many thanks!

I'll come back and respond in detail once I can review with the file in front of me

14 hours ago, Silk said:

But you don't really care for Twitter, do ya?

The Lost Chord is dissonant, and I reject it! (Haven't been on it in ages, but still mean to go back and check my contact list before deleting the app.)

On 12/15/2023 at 9:10 PM, Ace of Hearts said:

Haven’t read your stuff in a while so it’s good to see you again!

Thank you once again for those excellent comments. I've now been through them in detail in the document and marked it up for the edit, and there is such a lot of valuable perspective there, it's going to be really helpful in aiding me to probably compress the first 'half' of the story, cut out unnecessary stuff, and see if I can weave more tension through it to carry the reader to the more immersive (I think) sharp end of the story. Really great stuff  

Thank you so much for your comments, @Silk, which I just know will challenge the story in all the best ways!

I'll respond in detail shortly

On 12/17/2023 at 3:11 PM, Ace of Hearts said:

Thanks for the comments! Since I'm guessing @Robinski will be critiquing the submission for this upcoming week, I'll give some more context

Thank you for the context! Yes, these are all things that I would of course have known if I'd been reading from the start 

I will certainly be reading this week, and it will be very useful to have this guidance. Thanks for your continued patience with me "bumbling around" in around in your story! 

On 12/18/2023 at 11:46 PM, Silk said:

For a second I thought we'd somehow shifted gears to talk about musical chord sequences (until you got to 'X' )

Elon has discovered the lost chord!!!

8 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Except tomato leaves are poisonous, right? Or at least inedible.

Oh, man, yeah, it's carrots leaves you can eat. Thanks, good catch. I believe tomatoes, like potatoes, are a member of the nightshade family? So, yeah, let's not eat that...

8 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I'll see what I think at the end and if there are spots where it could be more stand-alone.

8 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Just meaning that she's recognizing and reacting to the situation before the one in command. 

Oh, right. Excellent!!

8 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Ok. I didn't even clock that would be a thing someone would comment on...

Yeah, I'll tidy that up, one way or another. Might just cut, we'll see.

Thanks again!

This is great stuff, thanks so much! I'll come back tomorrow and go through again in detail, but I can see very useful things here. Much appreciated

Hey, should I read the version submitted on the 4th? Is there another version? Happy to read if there's time, but I don't want to add to submission stress! 

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Interesting cast of characters for this one! I'm glad we get to see some of M's associates.

Overall, I think it moves just a tad slowly before we get to the hijacking and what happens, but that does let us get to know the other characters. There are a lot for something this short! So far I'm keeping them separate, though I wonder if everyone will be needed in the end.

A few blocking comments and unclear references, which I've marked, but overall enjoyable! I'll wait to read the rest to give my final opinion.

Thank you so much for reading. Much appreciated.

Yep, I totally get the pacing thing. Maybe they are not needed, and if that's the outcome, I can consider dropping a character. I just felt that such a group should have a certain number, but I'll reserve judgement to get your final comments. Also, I wanted to have enough to think of them as a crew, and give a wee bit of a Star Trek vibe 

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Notes while reading:

pg 3: "She’d always been weak; weak and pretty, a lousy combination for this line of work."
--Interesting intro. I wonder if not starting with one of the main characters would be an issue for people coming to this from Q&M?

Good point. Noted!

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "tomato leaves"
--why?

Was aiming to give a little insight into how food works on Hygiea, in terms of what they grow and what they import.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 4: okay, so this is pretty much meant for people who have read TMM and TCC?

It seems to me impossible to write this story without acknowledging the effect of these events on M, but maybe I can modify a bit. What I have very little sense of - being so embroiled and immerse in it all - is how much I can get away with in terms of details that will cause first-time readers to think "Oh, that sounds interesting, I must check that out" versus "What the heck is he talking about. I don't understand any of this!"

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 5: "M remembered she had friends."
--Good to see this, but it's not really mentioned in the other stories.

They're new friends, of course, since Moth only went to Hygiea for the first time at the end of Book 1 (TMM), which was 4th October 2099, and this is 8th December 2099, so two months ago.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 6: And of course I had to look back at TBB to see this was the same conversation.

I realised I had to have it verbatim of course, for continuity reasons 

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 7: "even schlumping in angle of front and side windows"
--something missing in this sentence?

Check; edited.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 8: "J tried really hard not to beam."
--maybe a bit out of POV? Also, this section ends on a reaction not from M, which I would expect as it's her POV. A good intro to the other students though.

Good points; edited!

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 8: "That wasn’t even her being mean"
--what wasn't? I'm missing why that's mean.

The idea was that Moth would think it really sad and pathetic to have a family clipboard, passed down through generations, but that in this case it is fact. So, she's not actually being mean.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 8: "compressed would pulp" -> "compressed wood pulp?

Oh, dear goodness... Thanks 

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 9: Tho. and Tu. are the same person right? Confusing to switch back and forth with the names.

Check. It's a bit of an issue. I'll lean much more heavily on one of the two 'Tho', with maybe just an occasionally 'Tu'.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "And why was she following this ridiculous..."
--glad that was addressed. I was wondering.

I'll keep an eye on this.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "floated ten minutes away"
--So I'm guessing this is a rescue training exercise?

it is. Not sufficiently clear from context? I can have someone say it, if you think that would be better.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 11: “How long can you hold your breath"
--What is this in reference to?

I think (without reading the entire preceding page) it was M having a wee jibe at J, as test captain. I can drop or reword if it's confusing.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 12: "Speed of sound..."
--I'm guessing all this is calculations and not part of the story?

Oops! Yes - forgot to delete.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 13: Welp, guess M has had some good training with Q.

Heh! Can you expand on that, please? Just not 100% sure which bit you're reacting to, and never certain the pagination carries over between A4 and US page size.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 14: "Why was she stilling worrying about the dumb forfeit?"
--I thought this was referring to S, but I think it's M thinking about herself? Took me a couple reads to get through.

Eck. Typo on 'stilling' for one thing. Yes, thinking about herself. I'll seek to clarify.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 17: Maybe a little more closure in this section? We still don't really know what's going on, and M didn't actually talk to S like she says she was going to.

Yeah, that's not a great emotional payoff there. Agreed.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 18: "...maybe all she would have"
--very long sentence.

Check. Have split up and trimmed both a little.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 20: A little confusion with the blocking here. I'm not sure where the heat shield is coming in and what Moth's doing.

I've edited. There is a key word missing, which is 'inflatable'. Inflatable heat shields are being investigated now, because of course the fuel involved in getting a heavy heat shield into orbit is expansive, and heavy in itself, necessitating even more extra fuel to launch the extra fuel for the heat shield into orbit in the first place. Yay!

Thanks for much again for reading. In terms of pacing up to the hijack, yes, fair comment. I'm sure I can trim words, and I'll see what other reaction I get, but I can see that it would feel slow.

Hi! I’m not sure I have ever read your stuff, and I apologise for that, but I think you joined just as I was stepping away? Or, I’ve just completely forgotten. Either way, I’m looking forward to it

I read the previous chapter summaries; very useful, thank you.

OVERALL SUMMARY

The first thing that strikes me is that your style is direct, there’s no drifting around. I like that. I think the prose is economical, which really keeps things moving. In that sense, pacing is really good. The down side of that is that there is very little, almost no, description of anything, how anyone looks, the landscape, the textures, sounds, smells, etc. This means everything if focused on the people.

That leads me to my second may point. The whole chapter is people talking to each other, talking about things that have already happened, or are going to happen. Because everything is talking, there are actually very few actions or activities, and that has the sense of dragging, waiting for something to happen. I know I haven’t read the other chapters, so I’m especially interested to come back next week and read what happens when they reach Ix. In a pacing sense, while the chapter is easy to read, it doesn’t really seem to progress the story.

Third point, there are a lot of characters, and they all seem to get a bit of screen time, sometimes with very short mentions that don’t seem important at all to the plot/story. The result of having all these characters on the page, to me, is that no one feels substantial or gets a chance to have any depth. Even A, I’m not really sure how she feels about some of the stuff that’s going on.

I may be suffering from not having the background of twelve previous submissions, so I have to bear that in mind, but these are my impressions of this sub. I hope they are helpful.

DETAILS (also have email a tracked comments file)

I’m a bit puzzled that the military commander is not supposed to know how to fight. I get that they would be expected not to go into the front lines, because their role is different. Unless all is lost, but to not be expected to know how to fight seems very odd. How are they qualified then to lead? This is the kind of problem, militarily, that leads to disasters like the Charge of the Light Brigade. However, maybe there is background that I don’t have from previous chapters.

The tone of the meeting is strange to me. The queen seems to be given almost no respect in terms of her position, and the way she’s addressed, not just by the characters, but by the narrative. Referring to a queen by their first name, especially when shared by another character mention in the scene. She doesn’t really feel like a queen to me.

Sometimes, I find the phrasing a bit unclear, or wordy. Generally, I enjoy how smooth the reading is, but sometimes I stumble on certain phrasing. One example, just to illustrate: “And once we fall, they can march in and take our land”. This sounds to me like Lilac is more concerned about the land being taken, because the fall of Jac is not phrased as the most important part of the sentence, it’s almost like an afterthought, in passing. The way I hear the intent of the line is something like ‘Once we are all dead, they’ll be able to take our land!’.

I got quite confused over who was in charge. Often, Sp spoke for As, and made decisions for As. I see later that he seems to command her, but I didn’t get that to begin with.

Then I got completely thrown by him telling her the base was under attack. Why didn’t he tell the Queen? Why did the Queen not know? Does she not have an intelligence network? Maybe it’s because I'm jumping in where I am, but if the Queen is their leader, and Sp is keeping tactical information from her I don’t understand why.

Why on earth would they expect deserters to show up? Very odd. Deserters desert, that’s kind of the whole point. I really did not understand that. Then it sounds like As is taking the deserters on the mission?! But that’s not what deserters do, surely? The definition of deserter is someone who absconds, leaves, etc. If they are still present then I don’t think they can be considered deserters in a military sense. Then “That you don’t think they’ll try to murder us like they did before?” – Why would they take the deserters?! What value do they have? I am struggling severely to understand this. Normal reaction to deserters is to imprison them or, in times of war (historically?), shoot them as traitors. I feel I have to be missing something here.

Hope there is something useful in here. Thanks for sharing!  

I really am sorry about the length of this. I suppose I could have split it into three parts, but that seemed like overkill for what it is. LMK if it's an issue.

Heh, so can I please have a slot for next Monday, to submit the second half of my story? 

Eh, yeah, I'll need to get eyes on that, LOL 

I want to release THH, in some form, maybe in January, so I need to crack on with that too!

Heya, can I have a slot for Monday coming please? It's for a short story, which really is a novelette in disguise at 11,800 words. I will of course split this into two pieces (if that's okay), unless anyone has an appetite to read the whole thing.

Sorry, folks. I won't be subbing this week, as I don't have time to critique.

So, here's a funny thing. Could I please have a slot for Monday?

I know it's been... a while since I happened by here, and obvs I need to do some work on reading other folks' stuff, subject to what comes in and who's able to read, but I thought I would give it a shot 

Ain't that a pretty thing. So pleased to be able to write a sequel to The Vermillion Lady, and what great company to be in with this anthology.

Hey Nadya!

I think we got there in the end

Hey, finally got back here with some comments. These are the highlights. The whole thing is emailed back with LBL's (I'm afraid you need to read here and there, and not all comment are in one place or the other <sweatsmile>

(page 1)

I don't think you can just lift a Marauder's Map from Harry Potter. Either I'm not picturing that correctly, in which case more description is needed, or I am, and it's pretty much a straight copy. [Edit: later on, some detail emerge that make it clear this map is slightly different from an MM. I think that should be shown on first showing the book.]

I've got a big issue with the reveal that Ae has been spying on Bre for weeks. So, Ae has been keeping this knowledge from Per for this whole time. But there is no reason for that, so I feel cheated that I'm only hearing this now.

"I couldn’t just tell you out in the open" - Okay, but no I still don't but that. There was no single occasion when Ae could have whispered something to Per?

(page 2)

"there were a lot of fae who would prey on a human simply because they could" - I feel there is quite a bit about the world that is not explained in the earlier chapters. I don't really understand the world or its rules, and when a rule crops up, I think it really needs to be explained at that time, in a suitably subtle and non-expositiony way.

(page 6)

There are a lot of long, rambling sentences* with many short words. I know it's a draft, and it's all part of the process, but I find them difficult to read and hard to interpret what the message is. Especially around here, but somewhat generally also.

"willing to follow xir out into the castle" - I think there is a confusion about the land in general and how it works, but in particular, I'm confused about the dos and don'ts. Dangerous to go out in the woods, but it's also dangerous to go about in the castle? Is anywhere safe?

"kidnapping of some random teenagers" - This line brings home to me that I don't actually care about the stakes. I don't know these kids; Per doesn't know that kids. The person that does know the kids is not involved in the scene. The more I think about the setup, the more I think that it's the human teenager who should be the protagonist of this story. Per's only personal stakes are their relationship with Ae, but that doesn't really drive any of the plot, it feels to me like set dressing for a plot that is happening to someone else.

I think in the story generally the plot needs to be much more compact and personal. I think it needs for either the teenager to be cut (they are very little on the page at all), or Per and the teenager to be combined.

(page 7)

* (from above) - "One would think that there would have been some kind of grinding sound" - 'Per imagined a grinding sound...' This is exactly my point: I've read so many words by the time I get to the object of the sentence that I've forgotten what it is. Also, the use of 'one'; I think there are plenty of instances where this form could have been used before in the narrative, but I can't recall it being used before, certainly only rarely. I don't think it's consistent with the style of the narrative, which is much less formal. Therefore, I think it sticks out in a bad way. Lots of ways to reword this. I know, it's Draft One (right?), but I think I got to page 7 before dropping some pedantry!

"things humans were squeamish about" - I don't accept this as a generalisation for all humans, so I guess it just reveals Per's character. It feels quite unreliable, as narration goes.

(page 8)

"xe probably wouldn’t be helping Per find the missing kids" - goes to my earlier point about how this doesn't feel important to Per at all.

(page 9)

"you were unique and fierce" - absolutely nothing Per has done or said so far makes me think they deserve this description. Conan is unique and fierce; Wonder Woman is unique and fierce. Per...not so much, IMO. I don't mean to be flippant though, I mention this because it brings to mind a more serious issue. Per has no agency. They are a passenger in the story the way it is at the moment. Certainly in this chapter, and I think in the last couple, from what I can remember.

"Now they were more like a zombie" - Okay, it goes on to call this out, but it still leaves me with a character who themselves think they are like a zombie. I don't find that very engaging.

(page 10)

 - this is really unsexy, IMO.

"Xir body was firm and flat" - Xir body was...flat? 

"Don't forget about that dessert(!!!!!!) you were hunting" - Another example of how terribly passive Per is. I really, really want them to be fierce and unique, to have any attitude. I wanted this line to be "Don't forget that dessert you promised me." 

"walked on without saying anything." - Are they not holding hands now then? I presume not, but maybe if he "walked away" that would be clearer.

"By the time they got to the kitchens, Br was long gone."- Bit of an anti-climax, but it was unexpected, so that's good.

Overall comments: I think I've left them pretty much above. Not much to add overall. I like the characters well enough but--at the moment--I don't think Per is a strong enough character to carry the story.

Hi, sorry, I'm too far behind on pretty much everything to be starting again with something.

I will however put up comments on the 'new' chapters subbed, as I'd like to read on.