Carcinios

There is something I would like to submit on Monday

'Pattersyl'... Just sayin.

Talking of nods did anyone else feel that the whole horse riding lesson scene was one massive nod towards WOT? With the appearance of what were for all intents and purposes 'skirts divided for riding' and the sturdy mare which was very Bella like...

I think it has already been confirmed that the second diagram is Cultivation linked though I am not sure where. It would certainly fit the female figures around the edge.

Small steps first. I want to see Mistborn made into a film before getting behind any adaptation of the Stormlight Archive. Not that it needs to be done first but I feel like there is plenty of material to use whilst some more books get written in SA

I am not mathematician or cryptographer but 16 unique palindromes seems extremely Cosmere significant to me.

This is way better than the previous one. I still imagine the uniform to be much closer to Civil War Union gear in colour and style but I really like his face in this one. which is good because the face is the part of characters that I find hardest to imagine and therefore get most irritated when it gets changed by seeing a picture of it that I don't like.

Re the engagement: I would like to see Shallan marry Adolin sooner rather than later. The reason: I think far to much of fiction in general and especially fantasy is devoted to continuing the myth that 'getting together' comes only at the end of the story. It would be hugely refreshing to see the two of them acting together as a partnership whilst dealing with all of their emotional mess. Also and this may seem ironic but it seems to me the best way of keeping Shallan active as her own character, not falling into the princess that Adolin and Renarin are competing to win character nor becoming a Jasnah clone. Instead she gets to be at the centre of things on the shattered plains and speak into multiple storylines in her own right. Admittedly I doubt that she would become either of those things anyway so its not that I'm worried about it. But I don't want to see Adolin and Renarin going slop brained because Shallan turns up

Shai vs Shallan art contest?

Nice. Particularly like the casual attitude towards death. very Epic of you. Here's mine 1. I can alter the affects of forces on an individual. Essentially I can make down any direction for any person or object through physical contact. making it seem like I have super strength when in actual fact I just make people fall in bizarre directions. Secondary power (kind of) I can use this on myself to stand on vertical surfaces etc. Maybe some potential for pseudo flight - more investigation needed. Distance limited to within a mile of me. 2. Arrogance. My powers only work on people that I disdain. If you can gain any respect from me then you are immune to the direct impact of my powers. I can still chuck things at you though. 3. Not sure here; Plumbline and Dropshot are the two main contenders. I lean towards Plumbline because it describes better what I do but sounds quite close to Faultline. 4. I will often go on destructive rampages to try to seed chaos. I don't want to see leaders arise anywhere so I seek to keep everyone on the same level - a really bad one so that they are too busy fighting each other to come after me. Costume: Black combat trousers and a dark green hoodie with a cape that doubles up as a custom made wing suit to aid my half flight.

I think the fear theory works for a couple of reasons. 1. Even if you think you are superior or equal to Steelheart or even if you don't know what he is capable of there would still be a fear of him in a combat situation. David's Dad thought he should be an ally so confusion not fear was his overriding response. 2. Steelheart's propaganda campaign. Clearly he had worked out his own weakness and so was aiming to increase people's fear of him.

Okay we get these what superpower questions all the time so let's go a bit more Steelheart on this. 1. What would your power/secondary power be? 2. What is your weakness? 3. What is your cheesy name? 4. In what way does your inevitable evil manifest itself (why do ordinary people really hate you?) A description of your costume would be fun as well.

Sorry I've taken so long to read and respond to this. I just moved house and so things have been pretty hectic. Anyhow... I loved this. Sure it was somewhat unpolished, but the atmosphere grabbed me right away. I did not at all mind the lack of exposition here because it was so wrapped up in shaping the character; Hal made so much sense as a character - it is utterly convincing that a guy who spends his entire life burying the dead would be hugely traumatised by it. That piled on top of the mass fire is a truly harrowing mental image. If that wasn't enough you had just enough of the supernatural to leave me wondering about gravemakers. Is burying the dead all they do or have they got some other less mundane role? Having not read any entries for a while this was really good fun. At present I can't see how this fits with Ostinato but that really doesn't bother me. however I wonder if it is worth keeping the link loose. I don't know how developed the respective plots of the two stories are but if they are not heavily reliant on each other consider splitting Gravemaker off into a stand alone. If Ostinato is your big project that you want to do well, it would be a shame to weigh all the same restrictions on Gravemaker in terms of world building. Forcing Gravemaker into the same magic system, same culture, history etc. would weaken it as a story. I would hate to see Gravemaker restricted as a narrative piece because of Ostinato shaped boundaries. Still I am interested to see where you will take this.

I guess there would be a greater discussion of the physical, cognative and spiritual dimensions of Rithmatics. I'm guessing that would look something like: Physical: The actual chalk lines drawn on the ground Cognative: The Rithmatist's understanding/intentions when drawing the lines Spiritual: The way the lines view themselves (a more aesthetic chalkling has a stronger sense of what it is making it more effective) Or something like that. I don't think an awful lot would have to change

I don't think the dating is an issue here at all. The technology level is well enough established and although I was going slightly more medieval than you had here the longer the story goes on the more precise the feel will become. Although I complained about the names in the last chapter I thought they worked much better here. Richard and Jake didn't bother me at all because they felt in keeping with the setting of the backwater village. A little clarification would help with the family and festival names; it becomes apparent fairly quickly what's what but there is an initial jolt where I couldn't tell if Ruachain was referring to the people or the event. Layna's character left me with a mixed response. I liked the hints of some tragedy in her past but felt that it was too obscure. Particularly during the hilltop scene (page10) you talk about her being transported to 'another time atop another hill' and then we don't really see what she is thinking about. You mentioned that Layna is the main POV character but in this scene it doesn't feel like we are seeing things from her perspective. It is like we are getting glimpses of what is in her head rather than seeing the world through her eyes. Also to do with Layna, and this may be intentional so ignore if it is, I noticed that she has no trace of the accent that the rest of her family seem to have. If there is an explanation that is pretty cool and could provide the source for a nice bit of interpersonal conflict between her and any family members that survived the end. If not it might be something to consider changing, I found the accent to be a little hard on the eyes, but if you like then Layna should really speak with it as well unless there is a good reason for her to be more eloquent. Finally I was wondering if it was worth introducing as many characters in such a short space of time if you were just going to kill them all at the end of the chapter. I didn't feel familiar enough with the family yet to feel their loss particularly and that made me wonder if the scene was necessary. If you introduced Layna at the start of her next chapter then she would still bear the same marks of loss, making her an interesting character to read and we would not have quite so much information to be processing. So an improvement on Chapter 1/ Prologue but I would like to see more world development in the next instalment, what kind of government does Layna live under? Is there war or peace? Why do people raid random villages at night? (although that last one can wait a bit)

I have to admit that I am not a fan of this cover. But then I will be waiting to see what the cover of the UK release looks like since that will be the one I'm getting. I have always been a fan of minimalist covers and generally do not like seeing characters on the front of the books, preferring landscapes and abstract art. This is why the WoK cover really split my opinion because the highstorm in that was really beautiful but I wasn't sure about the Dalinar figure. That has since grown on me but this one I just can't see doing the same. I don't feel like the design of Kaladin's clothes looks martial enough; with a wide collar open at the neck etc. Looks very 70s...

Thanks to everyone who commented. It has given me a lot of food for thought. Just to clarify: This piece is not a novel (sorry Robinski) but it is set in the same world and featuring characters who all appear in the novel I am planning and working on at the moment. I felt that I needed practice writing in the world, as well as fleshing out the backstory to some of the characters. So no, this piece won't go on much longer but that is by no means the end of the plot that is being started here. I have a couple of these shorts kicking around in my head so I might do some more of them or I might start putting up bits of the main. Not sure at the moment The idea I was attempting to convey was that Crillon had not spent the time getting to know the local customs and therefore would not see the difference between using Geology and breaking in by more conventional means. Luther's greater understanding allowed him to resolve the situation.

Two things don't quite click for me here. 1. I can't see Shallan becoming evil so easily. She has reached a new level of openness with Jasnah and seems to be heading upward rather than down. 2. Given Dalinar's honour it would be very out of character for him to pre-emptively murder someone. But it will certainly be interesting to see how Kaladin and Shallan react to each other when they do meet.

Thanks for the response. All very much appreciated. Geology/ Lithomancy - I've been toying with it for a while which of the two names to call the magic system. with regards to the 'mancy' Sanderson certainly isn't the first to have used that naming device (Geomancy, Necromancy, Pyromancy) are all fairly well established in folk lore but given your instinctive reaction to it I am leaning much more towards referring to it as Geology. Getting it on Paper - this is basicly the experiment here. I was trying to find a way of introducting Geology without giving a massive info dump as to how it worked. Clearly this attempt failed but I will continue trying. Sandersonism - I can understand why you might feel that the magic system was derivative from Sanderson. It was built to answer the question 'what would the world look like if rocks contained raw magical power?' and then I used the Second Law to answer a number of questions about it as I was making it but I hope that if I can work out to show it, it will not resemble the mistborn powers (certainly it gives access to a very different set of abilities). I was slightly surpised that you felt the setting and characters were also similar to Sanderson's work. Was that just a general impression or was there a specific book that it reminded you of? Again thanks for the feedback. This is the first time anyone has read some of my work who doesn't already know what's going on so it is a really great perspective to have on things.

The first half of the prelude to my high fantasy series. Maybe planned as part of a large collection of shorts based in that world. enjoy.

Yes. I would definitely like to submit on Monday.

I have something in the works that I hope will be ready by Monday. I'll have a crack at it this evening and see where that takes me.

Ah. I'm sad your stopping to submit this. I only started reading in the last few chapters and with this last installment you really caught my interest. I really like the combat system of the shrouds. It felt very different from things I've read before, but it is easy to visualize so doesn't drag on. One thing I found a bit odd although it was eventually explained is that nobody recognises anyone else in the scene. Mahau opens the door to his room and sees a women lying on his bed but he doesn't recognise Neda she doesn't realise its him when he is on the floor and they don't recognise their attacker is the missing god till right at the end. The idea of the shrouds distorting things works but I think it could do with having attention drawn to it. If you just indidcate that Mahau can't see the figure on the bed clearly because of a faint haze or something like that then that would avoid the confusion. Unless you mentioned that shrouds do that in an earlier chapter and I just missed it in which case it's fine.

It wsan't so much the specific names as the juxtaposition of exotic fantasy names like Rugier and Furuco and the normal names like Patrick and Henry. There are some names which fit into both categories but generally speaking it is better to go with one or the other depending on whether you want High epic fantasy or Low urban fanstasy as your main setting. On the other hand there is a rule which trumps that which is if you like a name for a character then give it to them anyway. But if you are not really attached to them I would try to ditch the normal names. Also I am really glad you decided to go through with posting. It takes a lot of nerves to put your work out for others to see but if it helps you improve it is worth it.

Lots to say here so let's get started. First a quick list of some small things that made the piece slightly more difficult to read. Naming - I like about half the names. But whilst Rugier is a great name for a fantasy setting (which I'm assuming this is) Henry just falls a bit flat on me. This isn't a big problem and I suspect I will get used to it if I read for long enough but initially it felt a bit off. Pate's thoughts don't work for me. I like that you have tried to get inside his head rather than go for the omniscient viewpoint, there is too little substance to those thoughts 'Those People' is a classic example you can glean that they are some kind of diplomat from the rest of the text but as our POV narrator Pate is failing us quite badly here by not clarifying the issue at all. A lot of the speech felt quite abrupt. People very quickly switching from calm to threatening and then back again. It kind of defuses whatever mood you were trying to create. If you were aiming for threatening you want to build the tension slowly until you get to the point where it explodes into action or resolves in some other way. what you got was several mini climaxes where every one would get very tense and then relax for a short while before getting tense again. Anyway those were largely stylistic things; I think I had three main problems with the plot as a whole. It lacked context. We only know they are there for some kind of dinner and that the state of affairs between the two nations is bad. It would be really helpful to know a little bit of background to the conflict not a huge exposition but maybe a thought from Pate musing on the political situation rather than being as cryptic as he is. This lack of context is compounded because we don't know what they are there to achieve. Why are they bothering with the meal? do they expect it to turn violent? Why are they armed going into it? things like that would set up the scene better because it would allow us to know what constitutes a victory or defeat. The scene doesn't move the plot forward at all. This builds on the first point. They are here for the negotiations but they never do any negotiating. Every time they start to discuss business someone orders their arrest or insults them. We never get the feeling that there is any genuine diplomacy going on here. Finally everything is abrupt. I've mentioned this in speech but it happens everywhere: Rugier orders them arrested and then suddenly he's hugging Millar like an old friend Pate is suddenly standing with a knife out as if he did it accidently Millar runs to capture the fleeing Terecs before the soldiers react at all Then Faruco has escaped and Millar has been stabbed. I found myself confused during the action sequence probably because Pate is also confused. I think there is a lot of stuff you can do to improve this. But one thing I would say was good was that it made me ask questions. I want to know what is going on even though I didn't find out. So post more please