MirkerLurker

Yep, we don't line up identically, but there's a large overlap. And it's the "while they're dying" part - the part where I feel like should be able to do something, but can't. Yeah, I like the idea of death celebrations! Drat, I forget which culture typically handled deaths that way...there's precedent, I'm just too lazy to go look it up right now lol Totally makes sense. Oh, that's true. I wasn't thinking of that as "drama" in the same way, because it's a good kind. It's a community building kind, not a community destroying kind. Also. Yes. Fun trash talk, random sparring, and random aggressive cuddling are some of the best parts of martial arts. ...Along with all the other parts. Like the being able to defend yourself, and exercise, and knowing all the ways to gruesomely break the human body, and... Wolf spiders! I'll take the wolf spiders for you! Oh you have a truce...fiiiine you can keep your spiders. The only rule I have for my spiders is that they may not drop down on my head. Other than that, we cool. They got their space, I got mine. And I will dump flies and ants onto their webs if I smack any.

Brain laundry! Gotta sort out your thoughts into "lights" and "darks" and then treat them accordingly! (I think it's from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's an "organizing your thoughts" technique, to learn to recognize which thoughts are helpful and which aren't, and which are truthful and which aren't, that kind of thing. But also, it's a funny image and a cute frog!)

I'm doing decent. But hugs are always nice. They make sad less sad and happy more happy. *squeeze* I like coming on here and reading y'all's posts. It reminds me to do my brain laundry too. I'm doing decent, but that's cuz I'm being diligent about doing my brain laundry. Everybody else too - remember to do laundry regularly! Or the laundry frog will visit you and jump on your head.

I can be the getaway driver!! And also lookout/extra backup. I like to stand in the background letting people do what they need to themselves, but I'm there in the shadows ready in case it doesn't go well. Also, I have a car I've gotta say, as far as atmosphere/drama level in sports goes, all of my experiences with HEMA groups have been fantastic. My group is incredibly welcoming, dedicated to it being a safe space for everyone, makes sure everyone communicates about comfort level, etc. And the interactions I've had with other groups in the area have also been great. Martial arts is also usually pretty good, though there's a much wider range of them, so it's not as much a guarantee; but the general mentality that goes with most martial arts lends itself to not standing for petty drama. A little after the fact, but a thought for next time, or in general. Are these friends the kind of relationship where you could go over after school like you said you would and say "hey, I'm really wiped after school, can I nap on your couch/floor?" And if it's not that kind of relationship at the moment, are you close enough with them that you could try? I had a couple of friends who I could do that with. And honestly, the way the vibe changes in a friend group when the group realizes, as a whole, that being friends doesn't mean "always up for social" or "always upbeat" or "always energetic" is amazing. I could agree to hang out with them, then be empty or wiped out, go over anyway and just go "yeah, I need to disappear under a blanket for a while" and they'd go "sure, do you want hugs first? Do you want to talk about it, or just be left alone for a bit?" And I could chill for a bit, and hear them in another room hanging out, and sometimes I'd drag a blanket into the room with them and make occasional comments even though I wasn't really paying attention; sometimes I'd just nap; sometimes I'd rest for a bit and then go join in fully, because I was feeling better. Sometimes one of them would say "I'm not really in the mood for talking, you guys go ahead, I'm just gonna chill for a bit" and we'd give hugs and let them be, and we had space but we weren't alone. And it's really scary to be the one to try and start that. It's vulnerable. But it can really deepen a friendship and give you all a much more stable supportive group. (Also, sometimes you really actually need alone, and that's fine too - not saying that's not ok. But that a friendship can really benefit from being able to be together without performing for each other.) I don't know if there is proper psychology research behind what I'm about to say, so take it with some salt. I got through some of that by reframing it. I looked so much as what I was at the time, all the things I hated about me. Why can't I just be like I was. Why am I so awful. Why did I fail. Why can't I be better. First off, it's not "just". It's not easy. Secondly, I started looking at "who do I want to be" instead. Instead of "I am these terrible things," "why can't I just be better," and "I used to be this better thing," I started asking myself "if i could be anything, have any trait i wanted, what would I want to be like? If i didn't have any of this baggage, if I could just be different, what would I want myself to be like? Who do I actually want to be?" And it's not like that makes it easy to change. But it's looking forward instead of back. The past will always be the past, and we'll never be there again. It's closed. But the future is always open. I would look at the traits I wanted (usually the ones I saw in other people, in characters; I couldn't see any in myself that I wanted, but I could see things in other people that I'd go "I wish i could be like that"), and I would go "Ok. What would someone with that trait do next? I screwed up x and y, I messed up here; what would person with that trait do in this scenario?" and then I'd go try that. Because yeah, I hate myself; but also, this isn't who I used to be, and it isn't who I want to be; and so storm it, I'm not going to be this thing I hate. I'm not going to let it win. And any step that I take in that direction is a victory. The most important step a man can take isn't the first one. It's the next. Always the next step. *hug* First off, thank you, I don't need to add "crying is good and you should go ahead and do it" and "the mistakes and emotions you feel don't define you", because you already said it. Secondly, OH MY GOSH IT HAS A NAME!! YES! I identified this in myself (without knowing its name) when I finally started working myself through my depression. (If I'd gone to a proper counselor maybe they would've named it for me, but I didn't, so.) I noted pretty early on that I both wanted to change, because I hated who I was and where I was, but also didn't want to change. Because change is unknown, and scary. At least who I am now, I know what to expect; at least the problems I have now, I know what I can and can't do about them; at least I know who I am, even if that's not someone I like. Familiar is comforting, even if dark and pain is what I'm familiar with. And when i did start changing, I struggled with identity; who am I now? If I'm not part of this group, what am I part of? I've been doing better with depression the past two years or so than I have for the previous...8 or so. And one of the emotions I still have to work through on a semi-regular basis is a feeling of alienation, alone-ness, and...un-anchored-ness?...because I no longer "belong" to groups like...well, like this one. (which is not true, but that's the emotion) Joining this group was a big step for me, in embracing that I have changed, and that I can still belong. I'm working to hold both who I was, and who I am now, and integrate them. I still every now and then have this wistful longing to self-harm; not from any of the old reasons to do so, but because I want to belong, or because i want the comfort of familiarity. And I shake my finger at my brain and go Nope!" and go do something else instead, like a workout or go outside or do dishes or something active that gets me moving on. But anyway. It has a name!! Yeah! I spent...a lot of my life believing that deep down I was actually a sociopath of some kind. Because of that kind of thing. And it's not like I never experience grief - there are times when i do! I get moved by a movie or book, I feel empathy and compassion and morals, I sob my eyes out over fictional death...but then someone close to me dies, and I just...don't feel unusual. It's not even a numbness or emptiness - I know what those feel like. I don't feel numb, I feel fine. Completely normal, except for the awkward feeling of seeing everybody around me grieving while I'm not. And I would wonder, if my husband died, if my mom died, would I even care? Would I feel anything? It's so bloody awkward, having everyone give you condolences and I'm sorry-s and offer to be there if you need to talk, and you're thinking "Uh, I'm totally fine...but I feel like if I say that, you're all going to think I'm some kind of monster, and then I'll be even more alienated." But then I realized, I do react emotionally to death; but I only react emotionally to the moment of death itself. I cried as I held my cat when she died; I cried as my guinea pig died in my arms. And then ten minutes later I was fine. Back to normal. She's already dead, so why would I keep crying? So I don't think I'm actually a murderous sociopath who might someday snap and go on a killing spree. Just someone who reacts to things differently. (Which, I did learn I'm mildly autistic, and not having the "proper" emotional reactions to things is one of the trademarks of that.) *hug* *hug* It sounds like you have some reasons to feel bitter. Good to acknowledge it and know it's there. Don't let the bitterness drive how you react to things, but go ahead and cry it out. *big hug* ahem LIBRARY!!! yess logic loop! It knows that we suspect so it says what it wouldn't say because if it says that then we won't suspect except that it knows that we know that it might know that so we still suspect, but it knows we might still suspect so it won't say... I love that kind of logic loop. Also, I take forever to play strategy games because I get myself into loops like that. I'm usually pretty good at them if my opponent doesn't mind reading a book in between turns

yaaay feeling happy and affectionate! *BIG HUG* Sad hugs are always good, but happy hugs are wonderful too. Yay hugs! oooooh. Yeah. Sympathy. I shall learn from your lesson and not repeat your experience myself. (We will ignore the fact that this is the second time in a year and a half that I've gotten injured trying to match the higher level students instead of being wise and working at my level. ...fortunately, it wasn't the ankle last time, it was the knee, so it's not worsening the same place.) Alright everybody, I found mental health raccoon memes! Behold!

NO NOT CRYING! I forgive youuuuuuu *hugs* It's okay, I would've learned eventually...the hard way probably. At least now I'm prepared! This is irritatingly good timing. I have been very gentle with it and giving it time. But I'm finally able to start walking on it again without the boot cast thing (I have been doing gentle stretches for the past week to make sure it's ready), and it's been awesome being able to walk around again, but I am noticing that after an hour or so of active walking around it gets sore. Which means I should do less walking around, or use the crutches part of the time, probably. And keep doing the gentle stretching exercises. ...*SIGH* (What joint did you injure that's still not back to where it should be a year later?) OH Periods. Yuck. You definitely need brownies then! Alright, so the secret ingredient is instant coffee powder. Even a basic box mix can be made noticeably better by adding a teaspoon or so of instant coffee (it won't taste like coffee at that level, it'll just make them taste richer and more complex). If you want mocha brownies, add 2-3 tsps. And then add extracts and spices - cinnamon is good, or chili powder, or powdered ginger, if you like spicy brownies. Or a dash of mint extract and a handful of chocolate chips for choco chip mint brownies. Or drop a few spoonfuls of jam on top and swirl it around with a knife for fruit brownies. Or a million other combinations. But seriously, instant coffee - even if you love basic straight brownies, toss that in. So lovely. Also, *HUG*. Remember your period also affects your thoughts. For us females, depression/selfharm/suicidal thoughts often cycle along with our periods, b/c hormones are SO HELPFUL. /sarcasm So give those thoughts a side-eye. Not that it's all period-caused, but any mental technique that helps me question and put aside those kinds thoughts is one I hang on to, so there ya go. Also, hormones are why girls in the same house link up periods. That's true, and I looked up the science behind it one time. Basically, periods are triggered by hormones, and when you're on your period, those chemicals are present in tiny quantities in your bodily fluids - like sweat and tears. So when you live in the same household and use the same soap, hug each other, sit on the same couch, etc, you slowly start to link up because you start picking up the hormones from the other girls. Science! Wow. That's so much. *hug* That's so much to handle. I'm sorry. "Hate and love parents at the same time" - We humans are complex contradictory beings. We have lots of contradictory emotions. And sometimes, we can feel hate for someone because we love them. Someone we care about deeply is someone we are vulnerable to. And that's a good thing in theory, because it's when we're vulnerable that we receive love and feel connected, but also it's never perfect, because humans are flawed, so there will sometimes be hurt too. All those things you listed - that's an appropriate reaction to everything going on. I'm glad you wrote that letter to your mom, and that you'll get to talk with her about computer time in connection with mental health. I hope you get time to talk more with her or you dad. If I may offer one piece of advice, it would be: ask if this conversation can happen regularly. A feelings check-in, as it were. Your sister has more of your parents' attention right now, because she's in a bigger crisis, and that's important; but you are also important. Or maybe, if you're uncomfortable with face-to-face, ask if you can write a letter once a month or something - some way of letting you feel confident that your voice will be heard too. Your emotions matter. You're not inconsequential. And you can always come talk to us on here. (You're always welcome to PM me, but I'll warn you I'm not online often, so if you want a live conversation, try one of the others on here. I'm always happy to listen and respond, but it'll be slow.) But we all want to hear from you, and we can smother you with hugs and pep talks and reassurance and support. *hug* *hug* You don't need to fit a medical diagnosis of depression to be struggling. You don't need a medical diagnosis of anything to validate what you're experiencing - it's real. Yeah, sometimes it's nice to get that outside verification. And sometimes it's useful to know what kinds of tips to use for help. But. If you feel like you are struggling and depressed, then - you are. That's the thing about emotions: if you're feeling them, then they are real. With regards to feeling that the face you show the world is so different and not who you actually are. It's ok to show some of that underlayer to people close to you. Let them see your flaws, and how you want to be that person you show everyone else. That can help the emotions of feeling fake, and it can really help when you show that to someone else and realize they don't hate you for it. Granted, it's a risk; show the wrong people, and you get more hurt. But you can't have friends who understand you and support you if you never let them see you in the first place. It is, in fact, the world at large that's broken. Look at humanity, of the course of history. We're all broken. It's more a matter of who actually realizes it and owns up to it. oh geeze, so much sympathy. *hug* I have cried every time I've been pulled over. (It hasn't been many.) But oh man. *hug* Happy rant! I love when we get happy rants! Also pls wear shorts if the other option is die of heatstroke. Pls no die kthnx. *hug* *silently hands plate with giant brownie* *Edit* WAIT I FORGOT WHY I CAME ON HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE *ahem* Ok so I clicked on this video expecting a neat video about dragons, and instead got a beautiful bittersweet treatise on neurodivergence, growing up, and learning to accept and embrace yourself...and also dragons. So I figured I'd link it here, for anyone else on here who may have felt isolated, different, the odd one out, or love dragons.

VIOLENCE YAY! But no really, play-violence is so stress-relieving! It's fun and active and burns stress and adrenaline and fun and I MISS PLAYFIGHTINGGGGG (my ankle is still in the healing process and I have been unable to spar or playfight and I miss ittttt) Oh sure, totally! (I mean, having a puzzle to focus on, something mentally engaging that gets your brain active in a non-stressful way is legitimately good, sooo...) I learned how to pick locks from a construction worker, when I was walking a neighbor's dog while she was away on vacation and accidentally locked myself and the dog out of her house, and there were construction guys working nearby and one of them noticed my problem and came over and not only picked the lock, but showed me how to do it too. I haven't practiced in a while tho, I really should practice. AUGH SILVER LYNEL VERY SCARY omg YES mE TOO! The first time I encountered one I tried to sneak around it, but they're super alert and he noticed me and lit everything on fire and I panicked and teleported like half a world away. WHAT NO I haven't fought one in totk yetttttt why would you tell me thaaaaat??? noooooo they were already tough in BotW...*cries* TINY pottery?! That's amazing!! ooooooh quesadillas are delicious. I'll trade you the best brownies ever for the best quesadillas ever! *hug* *hug* *hug* for you too.

I MISSED IT AAAHHH Sorries. I know it looked like I was online, but I literally had to cut off my previous comment halfway through b/c I had to go T-T But you can ALWAYS message me. If you're comfortable with it, I'm happy to listen and give what advice I might have, or just some hugs. Again, if you're comfortable pming me, I'd love to listen. I can promise I won't hate you. Yes, promise, without even knowing what it is. I can't promise you'll like my advice, but I'll never hate you or drive you away or refuse to talk to you or anything, and I'll always give hugs. Super important: I consider it worthwhile to be friends with and respect people I disagree with. So even if whatever you're thinking of is something I don't "approve" of or whatever, I still consider you one of my people. You're one of mine now, you're not getting away that easily. *evil grin* Taln addressed this well. Imma add a metaphor, cuz I like those. I think in pictures and metaphors. Imagine you have this pretty pottery thing (vase, mug, whatever). You like it, so you're holding it and admiring it as you walk, but someone bumps into you and the pottery breaks. Internally panicking, you shove the broken shards into your pants pocket. You then keep going about your day. The pottery can be glued back together, so it's not a lost cause; but maybe you didn't have time right then to do that. Maybe you had a class to get to, maybe you had chores to do, whatever. That's fine; those things are important too, and higher priority for the moment. But all day you've had those shards in there, they've been poking and scratching your leg a bit, and another little piece chipped off of one shard when you sat on the pieces by accident during class. And when you get home that evening, and finish your homework, you're tired, and sore, and don't want to deal with the project of gluing them back together right now. So you leave them for tomorrow. Only, tomorrow, they're still in your pocket. And the scratches from yesterday are irritated, and the shards are scratching more at the same spots, and then something else gets banged and broken, and you shove those pieces into your pocket too. And now there's more there, and the pieces get more chipped, and they dig into your leg more because they're squished together and sharp, and they start tearing holes in your pocket. You can ignore it for a while, but if you keep shoving more things into the pocket, it gets worse, not better. All of the broken things are fixable/workable; maybe they won't be the same after, but often they'll be prettier, if you paint them up nicely or use a gold-powder glue to fix them (see Japanese Kintsugi). If you take the time to deal with them as soon as reasonably possible (that first night in my metaphor), it takes a bit of time, but they fix nicely, and your leg heals up pretty quickly. But the longer you leave it, or the more things you shove into that pocket, the more damage gets done, and the more work and time it takes to fix them, and the longer you need to heal. (Your brain is the pocket in this metaphor; your ideas, thoughts, etc are the pottery; the broken shards are the stresses, anxiety, etc; and you are...uh, you.) Anyway, if that's helpful, great! And if not, ignore it completely haha. That's just how my brain remembers things. HELLO! Welcome! Good luck on your exam! You got this. You can totally do it with no retakes. I believe in you! *cheering fan section* That is exactly what this forum is for. Wait, you make pottery?! Really? Cool! Also cook! What kind of things do you make? (for both categories!)

...Yeah, on the one hand, psychology studies indicate that solid friendship is one of the primary healing factors for depression. And you should be comfortable with your therapist in order for therapy to help...but your therapist isn't really supposed to be your friend themselves, per se. What Taln said - they're supposed to help guide you so you make decisions yourself. *hug* Firstly: Yes, that sounds like hallmark depression. Which, please remember, is a researched and definitive mental illness - as in, something that is not a normal part of you. This isn't who you are, it's like a disease or injury affecting you, and it's treatable. Like Taln said, it does actually get better, even though in the moment it doesn't feel like it. When one of your friends gets hurt, do you feel irritated and inconvenienced by their injury? Or do you want to help them? Your friends and family won't think you're a waste and feel bothered by you - they'll want to help you. We want to help you, too. Stay. *hug* Yeah, sympathy on that front. My mom was a therapist for a little while, but ended up going into teaching psychology and counseling at a university instead, because it paid better. She's commented about missing actually having clients and counseling people, but especially with her health issues, she needed the solid teaching income. *hug* I agree with Taln's advice. Yep - patient privacy is part of HIPAA, with the exception of danger to self or others. Mandated reporter laws are also a bit different state-to-state, but generally the same concept. And the tension between those two is awkward, but I think a necessary part of working to do the best we can.

I can't remember if I've shared this here before. I might have, my brain does not do well at distinguishing real memories from imagined ones or past ones from current ones... But hey, this belongs here.

Hooo boy, a lot happened on here in the past few days! First off: HUGS FOR EVERYONE And now, to responses: *hug* First off: I know that feel. The feel of reliving/imagining a sensation, a moment, an idea over and over. For me, it wasn't a worry that I'd lash out in anger, but in...curiousity, I guess? Lack of caring? Finally giving in? I used to imagine, over and over, what it would feel like to slide a knife into someone's chest, right between their ribs. Or across their stomach, or across their neck. I used to visualize the expression on their face, as they realized what I'd just done. I'd stand there, talking to a friend, and in the back of my head that scenario would be playing out; focusing on details like the feel of the knife moving, the smell of the blood, their eyes. And also what Hoid_Slayer said here: YES THIS! You said it perfectly! Both for leaping off myself, or for pushing someone else off. It makes no sense; but I can. I could do it. Right now. And you realize you're almost about to do it, simply because you can. And it's terrifying. I used to think of myself as a monster, secretly. Deep down where no one could see, because I never let them see; and so I could never believe anyone when they told me I was a good person or complimented me. Because none of them saw what I was really like, deep down inside me. That has faded a lot in the last few years. I still have the thoughts now and then, but...mildly, softly; almost more a reminiscence than a real thought. Hang on, I got distracted and went off on a tangent. Hey TwinStorm, do you know any strategies for dealing with intrusive thoughts? I would suggest looking some up if not. They can help you feel in control of your thoughts - or at least, in control of keeping your thoughts from turning into actions without your consent. For example: Whenever the thought (in this case, the sensation of the knife) comes up, visualize gently placing that thought in a box, tying it shut, placing it off to the side, and replace it with a different thought. What thought you replace it with is up to you, but you should decide on it ahead of time and then stick with it. It can be something connected to the thought you're getting rid of - a counter, an opposite, an encouragement - or it can be something completely unrelated, to get you off of that subject. For a sensation, I replace with a different sensation, whether real or imagined. Flowing water, the edge of a zipper, petting a cat/dog - something nonharmful. I'm going to give a piece of advice, but ultimately, it's up to you. First, a word of encouragement: Life will continue regardless of what you choose. You, and he, can move on and grow and heal either way. Your choice is important, but it's not world-ending. Breathe, relax, and think it through. Advice: Emotions are unreliable. Important, but unreliable. Think about how compatible you guys are from a lifestyle standpoint: Do you tend to make decisions together well? Do you work well together, are you able to talk through and resolve conflict with each other? Do you have things you enjoy together - activities, interests? Do you have shared or similar belief systems (that one might sound odd, but it's a lot easier to trust and work with someone who is approaching life from the same base assumptions that you are). I know you're only in high school right now, so you're not thinking of long-term, but it sounds like he is, and that's scaring you a little. Can you guys talk through that? Is that indicative that you two don't approach this the same way? Long-distance relationships can be hard to continue to feel the emotions of, depending on how you receive love. For me, I emotionally feel loved and cared for through touch, so a long-distance relationship didn't give me that at all. (My at-the-time bf and I were long-distance for a year, and it was rough for me. And mind you, that was emotionally specifically - logically, my bf was taking care of me well, phone calls, messages, visting when possible, etc. I knew logically he was amazing, but emotionally I was struggling.) But for someone who emotionally feels loved when someone listens to them and has good conversation with them and spends time with them, that can work more easily with phone calls and video calls, and the emotions still come through. Remember, your emotions don't always line up with your logic. And a large part of a relationship is choice: choosing that one person, again and again, whether your emotions are there or not. Emotional love can grow, and can be grown, with choice and time. BUT: again, you are in high school. You don't need to be making a committed long-term choice right now. And if the idea of doing that scares you, or makes you uncomfortable, then definitely don't stay in a relationship that would require that in order to grow and function. *hug* Hope that helps some, rather than making things more confusing. And if it doesn't help, toss it out! I use danke schon and bitte in regular conversation, and I have no idea why. (I know you asked Hawks, but I do that too.) I also know a handful of random german words thanks to my HEMA group, which trains using the german words for techniques, since we're following old German manuals. But, sadly, I don't actually speak any German. Also: Of course I read what you write. (I often appreciate the spoiler boxes, because visually it helps me sort through what I'm reading...but of course I read what you write. I want to.) On relationships...yeah. Sorry. The whole world of romance is stupidly complicated and it sucks. As for trust...that can be a long journey. I hope being on here can help a little; though it's not the same as in-person, physical people who you can interact with. Aaaaaand I really need to go to bed, but there's so much more to respond to! So many more people to hug! I'll come back to this tomorrow or Saturday. in the meantime, you all are doing amazing. You're here, you're still trying, and that's amazing. Ok, I have time for a hug: *HUG*

YES I instinctively over-apologize. I've been working on doing it less. My reassurance is to let you know that you don't need to. But I'm not bothered by it. I do it too. I'll only play-smack you for it if I think you're beating yourself up, because we don't beat ourselves up around here. We give hugs instead. Ahhhh, yep. I never opened up enough in therapy for it to do any good while I was in high school. It wasn't till last year that I felt stable enough to try that (irony much? Had to get myself stable enough that I could do therapy properly), and it worked this time, actually helped - because yeah, if you're not ready to be really honest with it, it doesn't do much. I wouldn't bother with it then, with where you are now. And with your mom having her own anxiety...yeah, if you can keep yourself stable enough to manage for a...few years? Dunno how old you are...for long enough that you're living on your own and can start trying things your own way, without having to worry so much about triggering your mom's anxiety, I'd say keep working on it as you are. If it gets really bad, reconsider, but also, we're here anytime you want hugs and support. You're boring? You at least wear a nice shirt - my everyday outfit is basic jeans and a zip-front hoodie over a t-shirt. Oooh, highly recommend lying down in the dirt and letting the earth slowly reclaim you. 10/10 would do again. A few words if you want them; and if you don't, I shall just join Shattered Cosmere in sitting quietly with you. And honestly, this may not be encouraging. It's just my experience. "I feel like a child playing dress up; I feel like I don't know what I'm doing" As an adult, I can tell you - we all feel like that. All the adults, who look so commanding and decisive and responsible and mature and all that - we all feel like kids playing dress up. Inside, we're all frantically trying to figure out what we're supposed to be doing, let alone how to do it. Only now, we're also expected to tell other people what to do and how to do it too. We feel like imposters; but realizing that helps some, because then we can remember to reach out and help each other. We realize there's no "right answer" that everybody else has that we somehow missed; we realize that we're supposed to be reaching out to each other, leaning on each other, and figuring it out together. We'll stay with you. Help you when you want it. Sit with you when you don't want help. I'm sorry you feel small; like nothing makes a difference. I'm glad you're here. Cookie! You're back! And you're smiling! Good to hear from you It's not about doing it right. It's about doing it better. Any time someone lets you know something you're doing wrong, it means you have a chance to do better. You can apologize to them, but I would strongly recommend asking them "how can I be a better friend to you?" or something in those lines. "It's not the first, step, is it? It's the next one. Always the next step." We'll stay. You won't lose everything. We're here. Yes. *hug* KITTYCATS! FLOOFY KITTYCATS!

That's such a neurodivergent/special interests thing. It's one of the things that I admire about special interests. I love how some people can tell you amazing detail about the thing they're interested in. Firstly, you never need to apologize for coming on here to rant/vent. We're here to help, and sometimes all you need is a listener. Secondly, wow, that's rough. Management roles are always more stressful, and it sounds like (stating the obvious here) this one isn't working for you. And hell week into show week is always so much extra stress on top of everything. *hug* If I may ask, what kind of help are you thinking of, that would harm the situation? Therapy? There's different ways of helping with depression or other mental health things, and certainly the wrong one with the wrong person can make it worse. However, my experience has been that overall, it's worth keeping on trying to find the right ways of helping that work for you. (It's also ok to take breaks and work on that slowly though. It's not an easy road, but it's a worthwhile one.) Granted, what your mom calls "getting help" might very well not work for you, and she might not understand the "different things for different people" aspect. A lot of people think "therapy fixes everything" or "This one thing worked for me/person I know, so it should work the same for everyone". For you, it sounds like your martial arts is a large part of your "getting help" - it's a routine and self-care that helps you stay stable. That's backed up by research - regular physical activity is just as important to mental health as it is to physical health, and has both short-term and long-term mood-stabilizing and mood-lifting effects. But, if your mom doesn't understand that, then it's hard to work with her, even if she's trying to help. And I don't know her, or your relationship with her, well enough to make suggestions. With my own mom, I would approach her to talk about it, and try to use logical science-backed arguments. That's what she responded well to. Other parents don't respond as well to that. And some parents just get stricter if you try to push back. I dunno for you. Sorry you have to work through that. *hug* And, you're not a bad friend/brother. You're a struggling one. Please rant! Please vent your feelings here. Also, sympathy. I dress in neutral clothes, not "boy specific ones", but let's be honest - neutral clothes are boy clothes. There's "girl tshirts" and "unisex tshirts", right?? And I don't dress girly. (Fun story: My husband wore my jeans to work one day by mistake. I laughed so hard when he came home confused.) Sorry your mom doesn't like that. I say wear what you're comfortable in. Like sure, for church, dress nicely, at least, but that doesn't need to mean "a dress".

fr though, I love learning random real-world facts! And more, I like listening to someone talk about something they're interested in. This meme sounds amazing to me, and the reason I haven't gone and signed myself up is because I would either a) get overstimulated by all the notifications on my phone and spiral, or b) never get anything done because I was too distracted learning about random things.

Yes. Oh hey! I went to Ireland once, some years ago. It was amazing, except for that one day when my social energy suddenly burned out and I locked myself in my hotel room and curled up on the floor under a pile of blankets in a corner of the room and cried for two hours because everything was wrong. That was not very fun. (Not trying to detract from your experience, just sharing a similar though probably more mild experience of my own.) Glad you had some epiphanies and came back alright. Can you send them to my house instead? I would love to hear about the tragic life of a 17th century princess or some neat parasites or holocaust facts. *hug* Tension, huh? Do you know any grounding or breathing techniques to help settle tension in the moment? You said it's just "general tenseness" - is this a somewhat normal thing that comes and goes? If so, what do you usually do when you feel tense? Is it usually this strong when it comes?

yesssss oh my gosh. Like, what possible positive outcome did you think this would have??? yep yep. Do you know what a Gibbs slap is?? That's my response to something like that. Slap upside the back of the head, accompanied by a look that just drips "are you an idiot???" vibes. (You probably don't recognize that. I'm old. I know. But figured I'd ask.) *hug* that sucks. Sorry to hear it. This was lovely to read. And I think it's neat that you take really good care of your feet. Good to hear from you again!

I...am a ONE today!! Because we had SUN and it was WARM and WINDY and I went out and BASKED IN THE GLORIOUS RAYS OF SUNSHINE and probably freaked out the cars the drove past and saw me lying on the side of the road while waiting for the school bus which may not have been the smartest move but I LOVED IT. And we went to the lake and poked dead fish with sticks and exercised in the breeze coming off the water and it was just bloody lovely. In general though, I've been doing well lately. Mostly 2 and 3, occasionally 6 or 7 but only occasionally. Figured out what level of medication I need, and it's been awesome. *hug* Dang dude, what did you do?? Or is it just depression pain?

Yeah, it's on hiatus at the moment though.

Hmmmmm...ok, I may check out the anime. Gonna finish the manga first though...once it gets here lol YOOOO UnOrdinary is excellent!! I love how John's mental health things are written and handled. He's such an interesting main character. And the amazing writing that somehow a character that died before the series began is an important and fan favorite character! Also, Arlo's fork wielding skills are never to be underestimated.

Ahh, ok. Well, I'm glad you got it checked out at some point, though I'm sorry that the diagnosis is one that's not very helpful. I hope you find things that help. Sorry I don't have more ideas; insomnia is only an occasional thing for me, so I haven't needed to dig deep to find unusual tricks for it. Frieran! I'm reading that right now too! Manga, not anime - I don't sit through tv well for the most part, and reading lets me go fast. I messed up though - I'm borrowing the books from the library to read. I put the whole series on hold (I thought), picked them all up, got home, and started reading...only to discover that I never put volume 7 on hold. And now I'm stuck in the middle, waiting for that one to arrive T-T

You say "fancy" as if piano isn't a large heavy complicated instrument that's a) too big to carry around and thus needs its own set up area, and b) a string instrument with tons of strings needing individual tuning. My "fancy" french horn only has a handful of slides that need greasing and adjusting for tuning. Simple, quick, and I can carry it with me! (or I could, if I practiced with the thing anymore. I am very out of practice.) Piano is pretty amazing though. It has a broad range of notes, the ability to play chords, and it's absolutely fantastic for teaching or learning music theory since you can see the relation of the notes to each other. Dang, you've tried a lot already, huh. I'm with Taln on this one - it sounds like you should check with your doctor, maybe get bloodwork done, and see if there's an underlying medical factor. Because all the things you listed are pretty much the spectrum of the various tricks for falling asleep. I'll back up what Taln said about limiting food/liquid, exercise, and screens/lights prior to trying to sleep - what he laid out has proved true in my personal experience. (I don't turn off all lights and stretch before bed like he does, but I might start doing that, actually, it sounds really helpful - a step up from my usual routine. And "going to sleep" definitely begins before actually getting in bed.) But it does sound like you've been trying good practices and they're not working. It does indeed! However, a small night light isn't a huge effect (the brighter and bluer the light, the more effect it has), and many people sleep well enough with a nightlight. Some even sleep better with one, if they have any anxiety issues with complete darkness. Removing it is worth considering as a step to help sleep if you are having trouble sleeping or falling asleep and you're alright with full darkness. Make sure it's a small dim light, and preferably a "warm" white or even a red or orange color tone. Blue light (even blue-tinged white light) triggers our brains to think daytime. Many LEDs are a blue-tinged white light.

Your cats are adorable!! CATS! eeeeee! Patchycat and Schmutz are great names haha My husband and daughter are allergic and asthmatic, so we can't have cats or they can't breathe (which is kinda important), so I have to get my cat fix with other people's cats. We always had cats growing up. I miss them. Also, random but if anybody wants a laugh, I came across the facebook page of Will Wight, the author that #1TalnFan recommended, and the guy's got a great sense of humor. He doesn't post much, but it's worth checking out.

*Hug* Can't take it away, but can give hugs. You're not a bad person, you're a struggling person. There's a difference. And you get hugs. *Hug* for you too. I could add more words, but Shattered Cosmere gave such a great response, I don't think I need to add anything to it but hugs. *hug* "I used to be an adventurer like you, until I took an arrow to the knee..." Arrow, stomp kick, roundhouse kick, they all can shatter a kneecap real nice, and leave the person with a full lifespan of constant pain and crippled gait. Also: "To the death!" "No! To the pain." Always prepare for multiple attackers! I see you favor the Ender strategy. It's a good one. And YES, convincing them you're insane is SUCH a great tactic. Grinning maniacally as you lick their blood off your fingers works great too. what, noooo! I wanted to join! I have great ideas about how to kill someone slowly, or even better NOT kill them but leave them forever altered and unable to go about life the same way! Sad face. I like talking about fighting and murdering and carefully not murdering. Trying to maintain a reputation that's not who you are at the moment will leave you feeling alone, because no one gets to see the real you, no one has the chance to learn and understand. It's blocking people from the opportunity to sit with you. You don't owe your friends happiness; and more importantly, when you force it, you actually deny them something they probably want - the opportunity to live real life with you, to hear how you're actually doing. Not everyone will sit with you, or understand, I'm not saying broadcast it to the world; but if you don't show anyone, those who care about you won't get the opportunity to show you they care. We here on this forum completely understand going from feeling better and thanking everyone, to finding yourself back down again. It's ok. Rather than "hug", I want to give you a kitten pile. Where we all pile up around and on top of you and give you contact and hugs, and sit quietly together, and let you rest, and maybe doze for a bit, surrounded by all of us. I'm pretty sure a bunch of us on here would join a hug pile. This thing: Come on everybody - kitten pile on Cookie! It's good for the rest of us too.

*GASP* NO No cake. Cake is dry, crumbly, oversweet, bland. No cake! Only pie! *pulls out pies to throw* Books? Did someone say books?! Renegades! I found the whole series at Goodwill for six bucks in almost-new condition, super pleased. I enjoyed them a lot, fun concept. And I'm curious if we'll ever get a spin-off sequel following that little bombshell dropped at the end haha. (No spoilers tho, I'm trying to get KnightSkye to read them eventually) Night Circus was interesting. Well written and neat. And TKM is a classic - but like, a good classic. I enjoyed that one. Wait hey, I recognize that author name - Unsouled went on my wishlist waaaay back, and then ended up down the list because I put too many books on my TBR lists and always end up losing some titles in the mess. I'll pull that one back up to the top - with my ankle injured, I'm spending more time sitting and reading, so that's perfect timing! Dark is Rising! Yes!! I love them. I love the world, the lore, the feel. I love how it all ties together. But the end though (I don't wanna say why sad, in case others haven't read them and want to, but it's always bittersweet to me) And I'll add a few recommendations of my own, across a variety of genres since there seems to be a mix of interests. So You Want To Be A Wizard series was fun in my opinion, and got more fun as the series went on. Fire (Kristin Cashore) deals with hatred and grief and love well, so that one's dear to me. Tooth and Claw by Jo Walton was an amusing take on British nobles, but if they were dragons. Dragons with British social class. Ender's Game has to come up, Lord of the Rings of course, A Curse of Chalion. More recent finds, hmm, let's see...A Confusion of Princes by Garth Nix was enjoyable. And I really want to list Uprooted for an amazing classic fantasy with an Eastern European flavor, but I have to warn you it's got one explicit scene in it. Really irks me, because other than that one scene, that's completely not what the book is about at all, and the fact that this page and a half is there means I can't recommend it to every single person who wants to be a writer ever for an amazing reference on conservation of narrative, on descriptive writing, on creation of a villain, and so many other things. Ohhhh...and for you anime/manga fans out there. Fullmetal Alchemist, Trigun, Fruits Basket (manga). Those also, of course. DOGGO!! Big floof doggo Random celebration: I've been on a different dose of my antidepressant for the past month, and it's WORKING. I feel like me. But like...like if "me" was normal. But not the bad parts of normal, just the functional, can-enjoy-things normal. (The first dose we tried made things worse, so I'm glad we tried a different one. And I'm glad I stuck with it.) Edit: Shoot, why is it a double post? I thought I was editing the first post...it opened the edit window! asdf. Sorry. Too much work to try to rewrite all this in the first post

*hug* Emotions are exhausting. Others' emotions, our own emotions, all of them. And they never stop, and there's too many and too much, and I could do one at a time but there's never just one, there's lots and they're contradictory and someone somewhere always needs something and. Just. I remember at one point some years ago, my at-the-time therapist diagnosed me with "Overwhelming Emotions". And I was like...No Scud, Sherlock. You don't say. For me, the SSRI (antidepressant) I'm taking now is helping a lot (once we found the right one and the right dose). For others, therapy helps. For others, changes in routines and circumstances help. And for pretty much everyone, feeling like they're not alone helps. So, we're here. It's ok to take a break. Remember to put things down and just breathe for a bit. You won't be alone. We're here. Unrelated, I came on here to share this with everyone! Remember the little things you do make a difference. A bigger one than it feels like at the time. A tiny choice, a tiny victory, a tiny resistance, goes further than it seems.