recovering_cynic

Good ideas, all of them. Thanks.

Thoughts while reading: Describe the things that fall on Dais face. Creep your reader out too, don't just tell them Dais was creeped out. You do say that it was fleas later though, but I figured it was spiders or something from the way you first described it. Done. Okay, this section could also use a good line edit. There were some clunky sentences and moments where I was wondering what you were trying to say rather than enjoying the story. Other than that, I enjoyed this portion more than any of the others. The idea of a city under siege is always interesting--and horrific. Still, some things puzzle me. You don't really explain or hint at why nobody is allowed to leave the city. I mean, in a well managed city, there would still be attempts to farm and harvest crops up until the eve of the siege, and you seem to indicate that the army had yet to arrive. Why the early lockdown? Another thing you didn't really address was disease. The conditions you describe would be rampant with disease and pestilence. Perhaps you will be bringing that up later. Other than that, I get the sense that your character is a practical street urchin, which is realistic under the circumstances. Still, if he is that practical, I don't quite get why he risked his neck to follow the man with the hat; also, it seems it would be impossible to follow a person stealthily under the circumstances, especially if he is apologizing (at least initially) every time he steps on somebody in the street. Anyway, I liked the conflict here more than that in Rosalin's portion, but I also had a lot more questions. I'm interested to see if they are answered in the next chapter.

Are you not on the mailing list yet Raven? If you're not, email Silk, and she'll get you on it. Also, send me a personal message with your email address, and I will send you the two chapters I am currently workshopping.

Chapter 1 Jimbo Casey is an ex-convict going in for drug testing, he fails the test and begins fleeing from the police. Kyle Endrasko is the sheriff and Jimbo's cousin. He pursues Jimbo who has driven into the back roads in rural Oklahoma. Akari is not human, but she works for an organization on earth that protects earth from outsiders. Akari and her squad of soldiers, who are human "replicants", detect an outsider about to break through from another realm. They get on a jet to intercept the breakthrough, but don't get there in time. Jimbo and Kyle's chase ends up at the breakthrough site. The monster that has broken through is killed by Akari and Co., but not before it tosses Jimbo through the breach into the realm it came from. Kyle confronts Akari and accidentally touches her unearthly sword, which renders him unconscious. Chapter 2 What you are reading now. Again, I am just looking for major suggestions, complaints, or things that you liked. This is a first draft and likely will be modified significantly before the story is done, so no line-level changes or nit-picky stuff please. Thanks in advance. Recovering Cynic, AKA Sean

Sign me up for Monday.

I liked it. Of course, growing up I read thousands of middle-grade novels, averaging about one per day, and this was fairly classic for what I used to read, which is both good and bad. It's set at about the right reading level as far as word choice and complexity, but as has been pointed out, there wasn't much to set it apart. Still, the stage is well set and I would read a few more chapters to see where it led. I liked the video game aspect, and I have a pretty good idea where you are going with that. Kids love the idea of intergalactic warfare being practiced on their tv, so I think it's a good idea, one they'll like, although not exactly original, but that's okay. The one thing that could really be improved is Sam's character. He does sound pretty generic, which is okay, I guess, as long as you start branching him out soon, making him more original. Good stuff.

This chapter had much clearer language and better descriptions. I thought it was clear what was going on, but I think I read your initial draft long ago, so I might have more of an advantage than most. Good job on her waking up and making it clear she was no longer who she was. You showed it well without telling. As to lith, I knew you referred to the stones (as in lithograph), but then I'm a word nut, so I may not be representative of your target audience. I had a slight problem with the men surrounding Rosalin so easily. The first we hear of them, they have her surrounded already; I find that somewhat hard to believe. She had to know they were there unless there were some really good hiding places. As to the ending, it didn't feel like this chapter was really over yet. Nothing had really been resolved and without even a little closure, it felt too open ended. You've left a lot of questions in your reader's head at this point--good questions--so I think you're doing it right

Sent edits last night.

Did anyone actually receive this?

No, not looking for any particular language. I've been borrowing from lots of cultures, mythologies, and languages.

So... In the story I'll be submitting to ya'all, a lot of the magic is built around a form of energy born from chaos that can be organized into creating things or unleashed to destroy things. I am not satisfied with the current name I am using, faischa, which is Portuguese for "spark." Do you all have any suggestions? I want to avoid over-used names like "mana" or simplistic names like "energy." Bonus points for creativity here; I really need help. Edit: Current front-runner for replacement term is: "motes".

Do you have Microsoft Word? That would be easiest since I could use Track Changes if you are familiar with that function.

In that case, the chapter makes more sense. I was under the impression that the story would be just about these two characters, but if you are introducing a lot of them, brevity is useful. The only concern I would have with your five viewpoint idea is to find a way to make each viewpoint memorable. Even most of the really big epics only start with about 3 viewpoints, then gradually expand (e.g. The Wheel of Time books), but then again that has begun changing (e.g. the Malazan Series).

A very nice... second chapter. I'll agree with Hubay's comments and my suggestion would be to add a prior chapter explaining their mission and whatnot. I'm not sure what exactly the chapter would be, but you might lay some groundwork that would make the character's demise more fulfilling and less throw-away. Another thought is that I've read books where the initial chapter has the supposed demise of a character (or imprisonment, or banishment) only to have that character drawn into the story again at a later point or possibly in a later book. For example, if you have read The First Law Trilogy by Joe Abercrombie, there is a character that is tortured and sent to a winter prison camp and it's assumed that he's a throw-away, only to have him turn up two books later, his face scarred and unrecognizable. You might consider modifying this particular terrorist in such a way that he plays a part in the plot later. As to the rest of the chapter... yeah it was a bit pulpy. The name "goldies" made me picture in my head two people running around in yellow spandex, ala The Running Man, making cheesy comments and fighting bad guys. Perhaps you should address what they are wearing to fix this misperception, unless you have a thing for yellow spandex. Anyway, I think a prior chapter would help build the brother/sister relationship a bit more too, and by doing so, make this chapter more powerful. Those are my two cents.

Thoughts as I read: There is some clunky prose. Examples: "One day, a long time ago now so she hardly remembered it, a roof had collapsed," and "The ground shook with increasing violence every step she took when from the other side of town a heavy tremor and a loud crash resounded." The Verb is at the end of both of these sentences and having to wait so long to get the verb makes the sentence harder to read. Also, "The common room was filled with the things like a porcupine’s back, most of them grown out of the floor with the tip sticking out, reading to skewer things." This made it sound like these things had been in the room all along, at least until you get to the end and the next sentence. There were some other structural problems, but I don't know if that's the kind of review you are looking for, so I won't point them out unless you ask me to. Uh, you imply that the giant and Sericea are equally tall toward the end... I thought he was a giant. Finished. Okay... The only real problem I had with the piece was gramatical, really. There are times when its unclear what you are saying until you get to the next sentence, which threw me out of the emersion. It's interesting (and different from the first time I read it long ago). I just had a difficult time reading it due to structural issues. Let me know if you are looking for line level editing and I can give you more details. Other than that, it was believable, engrossing, and fun to read. I loved the images of the stones shooting out of the floor.

I'm going to have to second much of what Asmodemon said, with one condition. I have to know who your audience is. As I recall, kids like to read about characters a few years older than they are, so your audience would primarily be 12 year old boys, or there abouts. The fact that you call your character Tommy implies that it may be even younger. Asmodemon was correct, the description of the battle from Tommy's point of view was detached, but if you are aiming at an audience that is younger, a detached viewpoint allows you to describe the scene without all the blood and gore. The problem is, your scene calls for blood and gore. Lots of it. The battle is brutal, and a namby-pamby kid in a brutal battle gets slaughtered if you are being realistic. Asmodemon addressed a lot of that already, so I won't go over it. Other things, some related: It's not until the second page that you mention that it is dark. This threw me. How is anyone seeing what is going on? Do people in this world love swinging swords and knives at people they can't see? Does everyone have the ability to see in the dark? Watch your vagueness. This goes back to what I was talking about earlier, if you are really aiming at a younger audience, vagueness about what is happening is fine when you are trying not to convey mature content. If you are trying to show what is going on though, vagueness is your enemy. For example, when Tommy stabs the guy with the spear, you say that he could "feel the sensation" of it. What does that mean? Did it slide in like a knife in butter? Did it jar as he hit a bone? Did he get splinters from the spear? Did the spear get tugged out of his hands when the man's weight pulled on it as he fell? So, yeah. I'm with Asmodemon on pretty much everything. Having Tommy not be detached will help, even if you aren't aiming at a younger audience, but what level of description you add in is entirely dependent on what you are trying to convey.

Hello everyone! I've been MIA from Reading Excuses for awhile, but I wanted to get back into the swing of things. And so, I present Fallen Haven, a blending of several different genres: steam punk, epic fantasy, urban fantasy, and science fiction. I hope you enjoy it. It does contain mild language and violence for those who are content-wary. I currently have 14 chapters written, and I hope to keep a decent buffer ready for submission. Now, as to feedback, I am looking for primarily two things: (1) encouragement (tell me what I'm doing right) and (2) help identifying any major flaws (no nit-picking or grammar-level corrections please). If you dislike the book or a chapter, tell me what's turning you off, but at the same time, if a chapter really works for you, let me know why. Keep in mind, this is a first draft. I fully intend to revise and polish the book several times over before I ever submit it for publication. That is why I'm looking for major criticisms, not minor problems. Thanks in advance. ~Recovering Cynic a.k.a. Sean

Can I submit today? I use the same email address from the old forum, right?

I see some old familiar faces So I just found out about the transition. I have been inactive on TWG for quite some time for a number of reasons, most of which I won't get into. Short version: life gets in the way of writing some times. Anyway, I decided to go ahead and write on my own, no workshopping, and succeeded... sort of. The workshopping was a curse and a blessing. It helped me be motivated, but the critiquing threw me off and I got so bogged down in revision that my book died. My second book I tried writing on my own; I didn't get bogged down in critiquing, but when life got hectic, writing all but disappeared. The second book is still alive, just stagnating 14 chapters in. I'm going on vacation for the next two weeks, and when I come back, I plan on participating once more. I'll have a 14 chapter buffer Good to see you all again.