Asmodemon

Oh yes, I've had a great stay in Japan. Got to visit a friend, met some great new people and saw and did a lot of really nice things. And then there was the food and the onsens :)/> Temperatures were good too, even in the Japanese Alps. There were days I could walk around in a t-shirt and days I had to wear a vest because it was a little chilly, but nothing really bad, though I did have three days of rain too. But it's Autumn and it wasn't as bad as the weather back home. Only downside was the trip back home. The plane had some technical difficulties and it took an hour to fix. But when they had it was around 23:00 and Narita airport was closed so we weren't allowed to take off. First time I've ever heard of an airport closing down at night. Took me two additional hotels (arranged and paid for by the airline) and 24 hours more to get home.

After a final sprint of writing 9,500 words today I’ve reached the finish line and I must say it feel pretty good. It also means I’ve won NaNoWriMo for the fifth year in a row now. This year was definitely the hardest, but that was my own fault. Some lessons I’ve learned: 1. Don’t plan your vacation to Japan to coincide with the first twenty days of November. You’re not going to be able to write every day, so you’re going to get behind (a lot) and after that it’s really hard to make up the difference. Though not impossible. 2. The summary method really worked quite well this year as well. It’s something I started doing for NaNoWriMo last year. I wrote a summary of 6,000 to 7,000 words on a chapter by chapter level, which meant I knew exactly what was going to happen in the story at every point. One of the biggest stumbling blocks in writing fast, for me, is not knowing what to write. With the summary I didn’t have that problem at all. 3. Getting up an hour early to write worked very well. I’ve found out I’m far more productive at 6:00 AM than I am after a long day at work and I was able to write the required minimum of 1,667 words before I even had to leave for work. Of course I was way behind this year and had to write a minimum of 6,000 words every day, but if I keep November 2013 open and resolve myself to getting up an hour early I can most likely just coast through the whole month.

Hello everyone, In a couple of hours I will step on a plane to Japan for a long overdue vacation. As you’ve probably noticed I haven’t been active much in the group for the last couple of weeks. Work, preparing for NaNoWriMo, and preparing for my four week vacation (among other things), have been keeping me very busy. So for the coming four weeks I’ll most likely not be active here much either, though I am going to try to keep writing here and there while travelling around. November is NaNoWriMo and I’ve been doing that since 2008. Getting the time to write will be tough this year, but it’ll be a nice challenge. Let’s see how far I get See you guys in about a month, Asmodemon

This time I’ve got two chapters to submit. They’re both fairly short and fit well together. In these chapters Dais leads his companions to the house claimed by the imperial sappers to save his father. Meanwhile Rosalin unexpectedly gets a chance to go against Serissa’s killer.

I've also got something to submit again.

Ah, NaNoWriMo So far I've been doing it every year since 2008, managing to reach the finish of 50,000 words every time. Last year I also used Jim Butcher's approach and it worked really well for me in combination with creating a very detailed outline. With the outline it was possible to write 10,000 words on a good day in the weekends (which I needed since I lost one week on vacation in China and a second week lying sick in bed). I'm entering again this year, though I've also planned my vacation to Japan in the same period, so I will have to do my writing while travelling from place to place. Not ideal, but it'll be an interesting challenge. Working on planning the story right. I'm going for a sort-of fantasy prison break(-in) this year.

What I wanted to say has already been said, so I won't repeat it. I really enjoyed this chapter.

For the most part I agree with James, this was a good read, but there are a couple of things that concern me though. Pacing: After the escape from the future the tension sort of flees the story. You introduce a thirty minute deadline for any given time period outside the time machine with a dire consequence, but there is never a moment where I feel they aren’t going to make it. Most of what you’re doing here is a build up for the next part of the story and that is fine, but I do want to see a continuation that does the build-up justice. Otherwise I don’t see much point in what happens after Isaac and his mother flee in the time machine. 30 minute window: It’s good that the time machine isn’t all powerful and for that 30 minutes seem like a good choice. However the first trip outside the time machine, finding a particular merchant, exchanging money, finding the market, finding stuff on the market, buying those things and then return to the time machine should take longer than thirty minutes. Ockham’s Razor: I find it funny that you mention Ockham’s Razor, since that’s what I was thinking of when reading the story. This whole plot to rescue Isaac’s father is very convoluted. Simple is better. Go back in time one day, warn the man and escape in the time machine. He invented the thing, he’ll believe them. Yes, they’ll create a paradox, but what they’re doing right now isn’t much better. In fact, it’s worse, changing history in very broad strokes with no real plan, no precision incursions. Changing the future by making sure technology is invented sooner? They’re more likely to erase their own ancestors than to save one specific man.

An enjoyable prologue, but to be honest it doesn’t really stand out. It feels familiar, though that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it is something to keep in mind. The characters are fine, but so far the setting seems fairly generic, though I haven’t seen jungles much (which is good) and I hope to see more of it. There is action in this chapter and Link has a definite goal, which I like, but there are some issues with the prose itself that hindered my enjoyment. Zelda: I grew up with the Legend of Zelda games, so I can’t see the name Link without immediately thinking about a certain protagonist wearing a green tunic and hat. I’m hearing the theme music in my head while typing this and I don’t think I’m the only one with these associations. Truthfully it detracts from your main character since I can’t help seeing the Link I’m familiar with. If you’re not too attached to the name I suggest changing it. Telling: On the first page, in the paragraph starting with “Link stumbled to his feet”, you have Link think of his ambush plans, telling the reader what the rest of the chapter is going to be about. This is blunt and unnecessary since we’re going to see it first hand in a couple of pages. The first dialogue between Link and Bern is a better introduction to the plot and the reader is smart enough to read between the lines when a group of mercenaries is tracking a king. Barrage: “Bern smiled at Link’s barrage of questions”. There were only two questions, which hardly constitutes a barrage. Also, why does Bern smile as if humouring a small child? Link is the leader, he’s expected to ask questions. Wish-washy: There are many times when things ‘seem’ to be, or it’s ‘some kind of’ or ‘sort of’ item. Take “He was wearing some kind of robes, all wrapped about him, and he had a sort of cloth hat on his head.” This can be told in a far more direct fashion, which strengthens the prose: “He wore robes, all wrapped about him, with a cloth hat on his head.” Now, I’m not saying this sentence is the way to go, but it makes Bern sound more sure of himself. Or, “The dauntehrs in this area seemed to be exceptionally large”. They didn’t seem to be large, they were large. Had/Was –ing: Truthfully this was the thing that bothered me most when reading the chapter. You’re overusing the words ‘had’ and ‘was’. It’s not strictly speaking passive voice, but it does lend a very strong passive feeling to the text. I believe you can remove most cases of the word ‘had’ and not lose any of the meaning. It also makes the text stronger. Right now a lot of sentences are padded, which removes some of the pacing. One of the worst examples is when you use ‘had had’. The same thing with was, and in particular in the form of was ‘verb’-ing. Example: “The presence of the holy man was making him wonder if he would live to regret the decision he had made that night.” Instead try something like: “The presence of the holy man made him wonder if he would live to regret the decision he made that night.” Small nitpick: “Link rose, stretching”. Wasn’t he already up and about? Gem swords: The presence of gem swords feels off. To make swords out of precious stones means these are more prevalent in the world than metal and iron, otherwise, why make weapons out of them? It also doesn’t feel right that one gem sword can so easily cut through other gem swords of ‘lesser quality’. I’m also not sure about the four types of crystal and the surety that there are only four. In the real world there are many more types than that, which, to me, defines what’s real. Unless the world you created is significantly different, but I haven’t seen enough signs of that. He himself: You use this turn of phrase a couple of times. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t care for it. Punctuation: You’ve got some errors in your dialogue punctuation, such as missing commas or the comma on the wrong side of the quotation mark. The following website explains how dialogue is formatted and punctuated: http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/ Double: When the mercenaries are in ambush positions Link thinks the following: “The night he had stolen his weapon was the night that had led to this moment”. We’ve already been told this before, it’s not necessary to state it again. Previous attempt: I didn’t like the section dealing with the previous attempt of taking the king’s life. It slows the pacing way down and serves no purpose other than to mention the ‘weapon’ both Link and the king are after. I’d suggest cutting this section down or to cut it and mention the ‘weapon’ elsewhere. King’s cave: The king goes into a cave, accompanied by one man, in a jungle. Who knows what beasts lurk inside. I can’t believe his entourage would let him go inside without first checking things out. Pitch black: It’s pitch black in the cave yet Link can still signal his men. How did he do that? Ki Sain: It takes close to a minute to create a foot long energy nail. It feels like it’s too long a time. Cobin: I got the picture that the mercenary band isn’t very large. Twenty, thirty, maybe forty men at maximum? Link states he only takes the best, yet as leader he’s not sure about the names of the men under his command?

A week later than I planned, but here is the next chapter for Maiden of Thorns. In this chapter, Black Rose stumbles away from the wreckage of her own creation, coming eye to eye with the source of her debilitating weakness.

James already said much of what I was going to say. I’m still enjoying the story, though these chapters a little less than the previous ones. Like you said it does feel a little lost. Slow start: The very first page doesn’t feel like it moves the story any further. At first I was happy to see Iraisa’s POV, but that soured when page one turned out to be information about a world that isn’t relevant now, some reason or other why Iraisa is sitting around being bored (having a character be bored is dangerous, it can easily make those sections feel boring to the reader as well) and we get a recap on what she felt in Keth’s mind (we already know what this is due to his POV). It’s like you’re writing yourself back into Iraisa’s POV. Maybe this first page doesn’t have to be there. Slow finish: Skipping ahead to the end, it has the same problem as the beginning. When the characters are trying to figure out what’s going on they recap all the things that already happened, which didn’t happen that long ago (two, three chapters ago). POV: There are some odd POV slips in Iraisa’s section. Her bullets rip through the chesires, managing minimal damage. How does she know? And from their perspective she was a bulky figure all in black. Why pause to consider how they see her other than to let the reader know what she looks like? If it’s important maybe an earlier POV should have remarked on it. Show don’t tell: There are a few sequences where you tell of things that would happen rather that actually show them happening. For instance, on page two, the paragraph starting with “Iraisa acted on instinct”. This is a fighting sequence, or rather, it should be. Instead you explain what would happen due to Iraisa’s actions rather than showing what actually happens. Take sentences like “chesires themselves would be unharmed”. Pocket dimension: Why is this relevant and for that matter, why do the chesires have a pocket dimension that’s like a prison to them when they are burned or destroyed in the real world? To me this brief bit of information is an unnatural info-dump given the sequence we’re in, slowing the pace of the scene down. Mind meld: I’m liking the mind meld between Iraisa and Keth less and less. When Iraisa remarks that the knowledge from Keth was getting pervasive I actually wanted to add that it’s annoying too, since his knowledge reads most like an info dump. Painkiller: I thought the painkiller Keth could provide was a little too convenient, but maybe that’s just me. Magnet train: It wasn’t until you said the thing they travelled on was a magnet train that I could finally picture it. Before that, a flat wooden board which could manage any kind of speed was completely alien to me. I think that, while I realize on some level this world has technology like satellites, the presence of so much magic in the main characters makes me lose sight of that. Grumagnum: Just no. Injuries: Yes, very good, the Grumr gets seriously injured. You don’t pull punches, I liked that. Small note though, you later mention eyes (plural) though he only has one left (“A spark of The Grumr’s old fire lit his eyes”) Hearts on sleeves: James already remarked on this with Keth telling Iraisa and the Grumr that he feels he’s being compelled to help Iraisa, but your characters are so open with their feelings and thoughts and motivations it makes them feel less real. Iraisa’s past: While interesting, when I came to the part where Iraisa tells of the history of her world I first thought “crap, another info-dump”. It wasn’t bad, because it was interesting, though maybe the realization of Hammond and Valerie DeEkria comes a bit too easily. Did we see these names before, was there some foreshadowing in previous chapters? Because otherwise it seems a bit odd for the characters to suddenly leap to the conclusion that two people and their followers who disappeared years ago actually went into the past. I did like the irony behind it though, going to the past to escape the wars of their present only for their descendants to create a stasis lock to get back to the safety of the future because they mucked things up in a war themselves.

Some things came up, I'm not going to make it for this week. I'd like to submit coming Monday though.

I've also got a chapter to submit this week.

Another enjoyable set of chapters. There are some rough patches here and there , where I didn’t really understand what you were trying to say, as well as some things I noticed before (character openness), but on the whole I liked what I read. Too forthcoming: Your characters are still very forthcoming with how their powers work. On the first page you have the Grumr explain how to scale a cliff with magic, how he did it before and how he can’t do it right now. Why would he reveal his current weakness to Keth, whom might still become his target? If we needed to know this maybe we should have been in the Grumr’s perspective and have him think it while telling the others that he could scale the cliff alone, but that he’d have to leave them behind. And later in the Grumr’s perspective you have him think about all the things Keth revealed about himself. These reveals feel more for the reader’s benefit than the characters. Iraisa’s home: When Iraisa says “How did my home become an island?” it confused me. I thought she was from a completely different world/dimension. Now, maybe that dimension mirrors the world she is in now, but if her home is not an island, then how does she recognize said island, with its towering cliffs? Did I miss something? Keth’s initiative: I really liked that Keth took the initiative suggesting to use his summoning to enhance his vision. Confusing sentences: “Before Heinrich had so much as time to yell to Keth that he couldn’t turn around the kid was summoning.” Huh? “The web seemed to adhere to the walls despite their apparent indestructibility”. How does indestructibility made something less adhesive? Regeneration: The Grumr says Iraisa’s been healing her arm. I take this to mean that she’s regenerating, which, given her rather lacklustre approach to losing her arm. How does the Grumr know? Change in Iraisa: The Grumr wonders what changed the girl so suddenly. I don’t see a difference and, since they really just met, how can he be sure she’s different?

In this chapter, the Shifter Hemlock has burst into the camp, bringing death along with it.

A most enjoyable two chapters, sorry it took this long to get to them. I haven’t read the previous iterations of the first two chapters, but I did read through the critiquing thread for them and it looks like you took that advice to heart; the characters are doing something and each has a motivation driving them. Setting stuff: I liked what I’ve seen of the setting so far, the Krath blades, the different orders. I did have my questions about a society based on the fact that kindness of any kind to those ‘weaker’ than you is a sin. Such a society must be a hard one. It’s clear in most of the characters here (concerned soldiers, Aiden) that these tenets run contrary to what most people actually instinctively feel. Though you do explain the rationale behind it, I still have my doubts, but let’s see if you can pull such a society off. Language: Language is a little rough here and there, missing words and the like. Such as “The substance was worth”. Another rough sentence is: “However, the concern in their eyes was barely masked, but noticeable.” The fact that it is barely masked is indicative that it’s noticeable, you don’t need to mention it. Dalen’s skill: It’s good that one of the main character’s is skilful, that makes it easier to like him. However, he might be a bit too skilful. He’s been trained by the Alkeri, which are apparently warriors of renown. He can wield their weapons. He can suppress the Fire of the swords. He can beat any of the fighters he faces, even one older and also trained by the Alkeri. Add to that the fact that he’s part of a powerful family, is friends with another powerful family, he’s got a lot going for him. Maybe too much. Fight: The fighting reads a little clinical, such as when Dalen first fights the other Alkeri weapon master. They exchange blows, but in no way do we get a feel of the flow of battle. Who has the upper hand and when? It’s all equal. And then suddenly Dalen wins. The second bout feels shorter and more action pact, since this time we actually see the moves. And Dalen goes down, I did like that he didn’t win everything. Dalen’s conflict: So apparently Ganril is in trouble. I’m not feeling the tension in that yet in Dalen’s POV. In fact in nothing that happens does he give voice or thought to that, though it is the reason he’s there. As such Ganril’s trouble is too sudden to leave much of an impact. Stimulus herb: I think that Aiden goes for the root too quickly. Yes, he hasn’t slept much, but to immediately take a drug that seems more for emergencies looks a bit excessive. Unless he has a problem taking those things, which, might be an interesting character flaw. Sickness: Aiden is really concerned about Dalen and his illness. Apparently it’s life threatening, but there are no signs of it in Dalen’s chapter. Conclusion: I liked these chapters. Both characters are interesting, though Dalen is too skilled to make for a character you can easily care for and worry about. Two of the conflicts, Dalen’s uncle and Aiden’s concern for Dalen, come at the end of their respective chapters and feel tacked on.

I'd also like to submit again this week.

It’s nice to read a detective in a fantasy setting again. It has been done, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be done again. You do invite comparisons though. I’ve enjoyed Glen Cook’s Garrett PI series and Eddie LaCrosse by Alex Bledsoe. Your main character is Eodral, which is shortened to Ed, which looks a lot like Eddie. You might want to consider that. So far I haven’t seen enough of the setting yet to really appreciate it or see how it differs from other settings. The same for the main character, but that might come with time. I enjoyed the ending, but the rest doesn’t really hook me all that strongly. Slow start: The start of this chapter doesn’t really hook me. It feels like I’ve seen this kind of beginning many times before, the detective is waiting for a case, one happens, delivered by a (beautiful) woman like most detective stories, he talks to the client, investigates a little by going to a bar, doesn’t get anywhere until some goons show up (which also happens quite often in detective stories), and then follows them. Now, the ending of the chapter I liked, that’s a hook to continue reading, but it should happen sooner. Previous night’s endeavours: Maybe the previous night was the finishing touch on a previous case or perhaps something else happened, but Ed got in a fight, got hurt (though that’s never mentioned anywhere later), but took the guy who attacked him down. This sounds like a more interesting point to start the story. Had: You use the word ‘had’ an awful lot in the chapter (40 times, approximately) and it slows the pacing of the piece down. Everything ‘had happened’, which feels further in the past compared to when they ‘happened’. Inexperienced: I don’t know if you were going for this, but Ed seems very inexperienced. He wonders how Eral and Gray fit together, but can’t figure it out. Makes perfect sense, since he doesn’t know either person and was given little to work with. The fact that he dwells on that makes him seem very young. If you made it like the following he’d seem smarter: Also, when he says “You don’t need to answer that miss”, he’s too quick on the draw. The woman only blushed, she made no significant sign that she was offended or wasn’t going to tell him, yet he immediately gave her an out. Five = Ten: The woman asks if five crowns will be enough, but she puts ten crowns on the table. Language: Language is a little rough here and there, missing words and the like or the occasional run on sentence such as: And instead of ‘subtle’ you use ‘subtitle’ or ‘Subtil’. Goons: The bruisers who threaten the barman aren’t very good. All muscle and no brain power, they wouldn’t know what to do to find someone. He lets himself be schooled by his victim, he can’t read the situation at all and he doesn’t seem smart enough to actually lead a search. It feels like he’s just there to be stupid and provide a lead to Ed. Conclusion: In all this chapter was a quick read, but nothing much happened that I haven’t seen before. I think that’s something to consider as you move along.

In this chapter, it’s back to the refugee camp as Dais sees his chances of rescuing his father dwindling. The siege of Overlook is under way and what matters one youth and his father against surviving the might of the Empire?

I also have a chapter for this week.

I haven’t read the previous chapters yet, but this chapter definitely makes me curious about them and where things are going. So far I like the three main characters, minus some minor characteristics, which I’ll get into later. There are a lot of hints and mentions of things you may have already shown in the previous chapters (such as the dinosaur, Vivianna, Kit) that are really tantalizing, hinting of a big setting. Which brings me to the setting, what I’ve seen of it so far links magic, technology and dinosaurs and I like that, it’s different than standard setting fare, though it does remind me of Ilium by Dan Simmons – a story that also combines different ‘settings’ into a whole. I hope you can pull it off. Here’s some things that I noticed that I didn’t really like that much, or which I think could use some attention. Keth’s escape: Small issue, maybe due to the fact that the technology aspect wasn’t clear to me yet, but I found the 15 minutes to escape a very optimistic and unrealistic time limit. He’s still in the cell, has to find his way out of the ship and to a life boat, get it in the water, all without getting caught AND get far away from the ship. In 15 minutes. Contradictions: You have a number of contradictions in your prose, “the blackness was more, or maybe less”, “it seemed to be transparent in a way he couldn’t describe”, but then you try describing it anyway. Keth tries to summon an element from its home dimension, but he summons it forth from where he keeps it in his hand (which isn’t its home dimension, is it?). And maybe the best, “blurred into focus”. Bat summon: Small thing about the summon on page 1, for clarity I’d suggest switching two sentences. Start with the sentence about it being a bat, and follow with the sentence about its wingspan. In my mind it starts with a blur, then a blur that has wings, big wings and only after that do you tell me it looks like a bat. Start with the familiar first and then give specifics, such as wingspan. Heinrich / The Grumr: You use Heinrich five times in this chapter, while mostly using The Grumr to attribute him. As such it really draws attention to his name ‘Heinrich’, rather than his title(?) The Grumr. Maybe this is intentional, but it made me pause every time I saw his name. Also, the capitalized The felt out of place. The Grumr and curses: Maybe this was shown better in previous chapters, but the first time The Grumr cursed threw me off a bit. He sounds like an angry teenager. Descriptions: You have some descriptions that don’t feel integrated into the rest of the story. A good example is with the cheshires as The Grumr comes upon them. Things are burning, there are chesires, then a loose segment telling the reader all about the chesires, their society, etc. At this point their way of life is not important and you’re better off showing why they’re dangerous rather than telling up front. Was/had: There’s an overabundance of the words ‘was’ and ‘had’. It slows the whole chapter down and in most cases completely unnecessarily. Example: “The Grumr was hiding in a stairwell near the bow of the ship. From where he was standing the Grumr could see almost a dozen chesires.” Which could be changed to the following without losing anything: “The Grumr hid in a stairwell near the bow of the ship. From where he stood he could see almost a dozen chesires.” Plural versus possessive: Instead of the possessive forms you have a lot of instances where you use the plural instead. Examples are: “fighting off his bodies attempts” instead of “fighting off his body’s attempts”, “igniting the ships reactor” instead of “igniting the ship’s reactor”. Rambling: When Keth is with The Grumr, whenever he talks it feels like he’s rambling, spewing out complete trains of thought. I didn’t like this very much, honestly. Too forthcoming: All your characters are too forthcoming, Keth tells The Grumr everything he knows while they should be enemies at this point (though The Grumr does notice Keth is being naïve). The Grumr tells Keth all about his troubles with his organization and his boss. This is a weakness, a trained agent wouldn’t reveal this, it doesn’t serve him. Iraisa’s section: Iraisa’s section is superfluous, nothing happens that Keth’s section doesn’t address and the remainder is information about her home, culture, legend. It doesn’t need to be there. Understanding comes too easy: I don’t like Keth’s mind meld hand thing, it’s all too easy. A good source of conflict and excitement can lie in the difficulties for Keth and The Grumr to communicate with Iraisa and vice versa. All of that is gone since they simply mind meld and pass all the relevant information to the other. In all I enjoyed reading the chapter. You’ve got some good things going for you, though there are the above points to detract from the whole. Looking forward to more.

Prologue I liked it, short, to the point and a great way to set the scene and tone of the book. Chapter Three So far I think Jo might be my favourite viewpoint character, her chapter starts far more in the ‘now’ of the character than the others. She has some clear goals (gaining votes) and an interesting dichotomy between what she says and thinks. There are still quite a few instances of info-dumps and telling rather than showing, but they don’t feel as intrusive as the last chapters. That said, when taking all chapters into account, it’s still too much. The parts about Quinn syndrome, Jo’s life so far on the ship, aren’t things that are needed in as much detail right now. The part about ‘frienemies’ is better shown in interaction with her crewmates rather than being told up front. The same with Sakuma’s syndrome. The end of Jo’s part was a good one, starting from the fortune teller refusing to read Sakuma. There are no distracting information sequences, it’s just straight into the here-and-now. That’s more of what I want to see in the other chapters. I almost felt sorry for the scene break back to Roman, but this part worked for me too. It’s good to see the threads of the characters’ lives coming together so soon. Add to the that the threat of the fortune telling and you’ve got the start of a good hook.

I don’t really have much to add to what’s already been said. To me the biggest problem in enjoying this chapter and the character of Roman is the info-dump nature of this chapter. There’s just too much information at the wrong point in the story – all of this should be spread out and shown rather than told. Don’t get me wrong, you’ve got some interesting setting stuff going on, but it should be spread around more. I won’t go into the overlapping timelines between this chapter and the last one, since it’s already been covered, but I do want to say that going back in time so soon really slows things down and, combining that with the info-dumps, it makes the chapter too slow. As a reader I don’t care enough about the S.O.M. or Roman at this point to keep on reading if things continue like this like this. I need a hook. On a different timeline note, there’s also the sense of an inconsistent flow of time in the chapter itself, after Oti trips the old woman, but before she meets Roman. You’ve got an info-dump section here which is so detached from the two surrounding scenes it’s like Roman is in a completely different place and time. This threw me out of the story for a bit, trying to fit it in.

I don’t have much to add to what’s already been said. I didn’t mind the S.O.M.’s character, he’s not likeable, but he’s professional and that works for me. That said, most of this chapter is sitting in place observing a target, without any indication of why the kid’s a target. And nothing happens except for mindless prattle and sequences that are just plain info-dumps. I won’t go so far as to call it boring, but something needs to happen soon. S.O.M: Like the others have said, I have no idea what a S.O.M is and nowhere in the chapter do we find out what the letters stand for. It’s fine to use S.O.M., but it should be after you’ve at least written out the acronym once before you start using it. As it is not knowing didn’t make me curious so much as it made me annoyed. Information: You give a lot of background information in the form of info-dumps at a junction in the story where I don’t care yet about how this future galaxy works. Contrarily you don’t give a lot about the place where the S.O.M actually is, what his surroundings look like. Tension: Being in the perspective of the S.O.M. on a mission I keep expecting things to happen, but things don’t and yet with every scene break or so I start to feel anticipation. That’s good, but this kind of bait and switch won’t work for long. Scene breaks: You have a number of scene breaks in the chapter, but they seem superfluous. When one happens I expect things to change in some significant matter, but they don’t. Everything stays the same, the POV, the location, and the sense of time. I don’t think you need those. Drugs: Interesting thing for regular food to be labelled as drugs in the future. Conclusion: You may have the seeds of a good story here, but you need to cut some of the weeds (info-dump, slowness) first.

Thanks guys, I appreciate the comments (and I don’t think it’s negative at all). Looking back I never explicitly stated that Amaryllis is a Shifter. I can see why the summary can be confusing because of it. In hindsight it would have been better to say “Hemlock and Amaryllis” instead of “two Shifters”. You’re also both right in that I haven’t really gone into what Shifters are. It will become a little more important later on, with Amaryllis getting back into the action, so most of the explanations will follow in later chapters, though thinking about it I might also add some of that stuff when Black Rose first meets Hemlock. Shifters are a subset of humans, an accidental creation of the cataclysmic event referred to as the Great Rot (which happened ages ago), which destroyed the continent of Neatherine. Shifters have the Paths running through their bodies which cause the following effects: Shifters live longer, they don’t suffer from the debilitating effects the Paths have on regular Pathfinders/Walkers, they can also travel through the Paths in the flesh. Instead of being limited to travelling them in spirit as Rosen did to reach Black Rose’s prison. Because the Paths are ever changing, reflecting the disposition of the user, the form of a Shifter can change into that which closely resembles his true nature, e.g. the wolf-like beast that Hemlock becomes. Because they live long and can use the Paths at will, they are extremely powerful compared to regular people. Though in Hemlock’s case he prefers his bestial nature and isn’t as good a Pathfinder/Walker as some other Shifters and Amaryllis was bound by Rosen. In Black Rose’s time a number of Shifters held sway over the lands south of the Heartlands and were known as the Shifter Tyrants. However since Black Rose’s time the lands rose up against the Tyrants, forming the nation now known as the Alliance. They managed to defeat/kill the Tyrants and now actively condemns Shifters, hunting them whenever they appear on Alliance soil. On page 8, Black Rose is on the walls at the time she meets the sappers, so yeah, they’re all on the battlements. It’s not until the end of the chapter that she leaves for the city. I’m going to look this section over to make sure this is clearer, including the part with the blood. It’s true that sappers don’t usually go and fight and they weren’t supposed to here, but things went wrong while they infiltrated the gatehouse of the southern compass gate. A couple Alliance troops and citizen militia took a part of the gate mechanism which the sappers tried to get back. Thanks to both Hemlock’s and Black Rose’s interference they managed that.