SmilingPanda19
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Everything posted by SmilingPanda19
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She hesitates but nods, picking out an outfit from the clothes. "..this one?" It was a suit, the least ridiculous or revealing outfit the woman owned.
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She eyes her. "I could never...maam..."
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"Into...what exactly... Your grace." She doesn't look at her.
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She turns her head a little. "if you insist." She has a slight smile.
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She steps in, not wanting to disturb anything. She stays silent for a moment. "Do you need anything... Maam?"
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A quiet voice comes from the doorway. "Madam Ahna, your grace..." She says, stands in scrub clothes, most certainly a servant or more likely a poor hand maiden. "You called?" She lowers her head almost in a bow, nearly whispering when she speaks. She had accidentally pressed the call button when she slumped on her desk. Its a very late hour into the evening and nearly early morning and it was apparent on the hand maidens face that she was exhausted.
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The Person Below Me
SmilingPanda19 replied to The Awakened Salad's topic in Forum Games & Random Stuff
…..not an insomniac, lots of anxiety, but not an insomniac BUT I HATE SPELLING SO MUCH- TPBM is a c h r i s t m a s t r e e in disguise @Thaidakar the Ghostblood -
Sorry I haven’t been very active today, hope everyone’s doing well and getting in the swing of things.
Its 11 at night and I’m trying to be
Productive
Any ideas, suggestions, people who wanna be productive with me?
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I noticed that in my photos I dont have any of myself. This year I was to try and take a picture with my face in it every single day. A photo a day keeps the insecurity away I guess. Maybe I’ll come out with a few I love.
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Sometimes… you simply must break the cycle...
Thoughts with Panda
SpoilerIll give a better photo in the morning
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Hey everyone. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive.
I won’t bore you with mental state, you already know how it is. Horrible and getting worse.
I do have some really good news though. I’m getting tested for Anxiety, and I’m also going to sign up for counseling. My parents got really serious about my mental health cause of something that happened.
Im glad that I’m here where they are now being serious, but im not proud of how I got here… you can ask questions if you’d like I guess. I’m okay with questions on what happened, I’m just…. Not proud and kind of scaring myself so…
Im trying my best here guys, I really miss yall and uhm. It would mean the world to me if you reached out, definitely makes me feel less alone just to have people there.
Love you guys and im trying to keep up.
Dont forget how wonderful you all are.
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Oh, Panda, we love you
I can say from experience that with the help of your parents and a counselor, things can get so much better. Those two things probably saved my life. Friends here on the shard and in person helped as well, but I’m so glad to hear that you’re getting professional support. If you ever need anything at all, don’t be afraid to reach out
love you!!!
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*hugs* This goes for everyone: I'm here if you need anything or want to talk.
I know it can get better, and I believe it will. Try to find pride in every accomplishment on the way, however small or seemingly insignificant. Know that just being here another day is an amazing and powerful thing and I am very glad that you are.
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“I think we should move the wedding to an earlier date.” He points his finger into the table. “Would that convince you that I am worthy to be called your son?” He raises and eyebrow, almost questioning his fathers authority.
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“Im quite fine, thank you.” He makes his way down the stairwell, his eyes quite serious. ”I think it time to have a long waiting discussion with my father.” He pulls out a chair and points to it as he sits down himself. “Sit.” He looks across the table at his father as the servants start to clean up from the short meal. @The Wandering Wizard
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YKYAN when its 2 am and you shut off the screen and two seconds later the internal monologue says: man *bleep* society, I can be a hermit and live with the dragons: and then your ears start ringing .....not me right now guys
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Hi everyone.
Sorry I’ve been gone so long, I dunno, it might happen again.
Wanted to let you all know I love you guys and am still alive. I can share stories, mental health updates, etc. you just might wanna pm me. I’m more motivated when I see pms.
Uhmmm
We are surviving.
Life is confusing.
It’s hard to talk to people.
And uhm, that’s alright.
Love yall, I’ll try and get to my notifs, I’m really sorry. My mental motivation really dropped on me.
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Merry Christmas Eve shard family!
Remember the real reason for the season and enjoy the time with your family!tomorrow is going to be absolutely crazy, so I’ll be sure to give you guys a very dramatic update tomorrow about everything that went down with the thirty people expected to be in my living room.
Merry Christmas!
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She’s gunna die soon buddy- The plan is already in motion Girl really tried-
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I’m feeling so antsy and I just can’t hide it. I want to talk to people about happy things, I’m done talking about sad things and dark things all day.
LETS TALK ABOUT ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE IS HAPPY!
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@Just-A-Stick Cedric paces around his room, trying to think of how to bring up the possibility of moving the wedding to an earlier date. He can’t believe his father thinks so lowly of him, he is to have a wife soon and he is the owner of one of the greatest manors in all of London. How can he not have pride in his son, his legacy? He sighs, running his gloved fingers through his bright and shiny blonde hair. He snaps his fingers. He knows exactly what it will take to impress his father for once. He grins and slowly opens the door to look down into the dining hall.
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*GASPS*
IM ALIVE!!!
I MISSED YOU GUYS!!!
also
CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!
Anywho
Ive been off the grid for the past few days, I’ve only managed to get texts through so sorry I haven’t been on.
Im going to need a little update, though I’ve checked some profiles and I will check some rps soooo yeah
It’s good to be back, I really did miss you guys.
I love you guys a lot, but it was kind of nice to get away…
For the first time in a long time I spent four days anxiety and depressive episode free. I legitimately forgot what it felt like to be free.
past here I’m just going to talk about some stuff that have been going on so if you don’t care then don’t read.
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Boy was that an experience.
I really did forget what it felt like to not feel…….so weighed down.
I miss that.
I didn’t have to worry about what anyone thought or who I was and I could just exist and I wouldn’t be a problem to anyone or anything.Thats ended, that’s over, it’s gone now.
That feeling has left me, sadly, but I am thankful I managed to hold onto it for three or four days.
I wish it didn’t have to be that way, where that feeling fleets quickly.
Im going try and hold it, but I already knew it was gone last night.
I was lying in bed and couldn’t help but feel a deep self hatred.
I kept asking myself, why can’t I fit in everywhere? You fit in great with a group of completely random strangers on a big stupid boat, why not back at home?
Why can’t you look like that? You found someone who is the perfect image of what you would love to look like physically, why can’t you be like that? Why won’t you cut your hair? Are you afraid of what people will say? Why don’t you change your style? What’s stopping you?
I couldn’t get them to go away so I just turned on some music and went to sleep, trying to ignore it.
Those thoughts still haunt me in the back of my mind.
Why can’t I just be who I want without feeling restricted?
And the hard thing is there is one thing that I’ve been telling myself to tame the thoughts.
Things will get better in college, you can have a fresh start.
But the truth is I still have several years before college and I know my mental health is just going to get worse as I get older.
I don’t know what to do.
Im going to try and take care of myself more. Drink more water. Keep myself clean. Keep up the schoolwork.
I have so many songs I’ve been relating to lately and it’s scaring me honestly.
I don’t know what I’m doing or how to deal with all these feelings. I know it’s part of growing up, but I don't think feeling this much…deep hatred for myself is just “normal”.
Like this hatred isn’t up front. It’s way down there, deep down. Like if you asked me if I thought I was beautiful, I would say yes. But the second the word leaves my lips my own mind is screaming at me. I know it’s not true, but I can hold a smile while my heart and mind is melting inside of me where I don’t know what’s what anymore. Are these just thoughts or is this seeping into my heart? Do I really think I’m not worthy of love? Do I really think I don’t belong or deserve anything?
My best friend says it sounds kind of like a bit of imposter syndrome. I don’t know though.
I just…..
Help.
Thats the only word I can think of.
Im dying.
I started healing, I could feel my mind building back up, healing itself up. But it crashed.
Im slowly fading to this illness, things are blurring. Mind and heart have become one. Feeling and reality are mixing. Value and lies are being weighed the same.
I wish I was brave.
I wish I was strong.
I wish I was courageous.
maybe then I wouldn’t be afraid, no, terrified of this creeping disease. But I’m terrified.
What happens if I don’t get help?
What happens if I never find love?
what happens if I don’t live a valuable life?
what happens if I never do anything with my life?
………….
Thanks for listening to my rant. I guess I just spiraled. I already know I’m going to get hugs so thank you. I really do love you guys. I just…. I don’t understand what’s happening and I’m being told it’s normal by my parents but this doesn’t feel normal. I don’t think this is ‘just part of growing up’
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Welcome to identity crisis and defining values! Yeah, feelings suck sometimes... but that's why we are here. To talk to about sucky feelings.
There is a God who loves you (Christ, just to remove ambiguity on my part) and I am sure that in Him, if you look for it, you will find peace. I know I have.
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Guys I’m back for who knows how long- I LIVE- I HAVE A SMALL AMOUNT OF SERVICE!
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Somebody touch my schedule
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So
Hi everyone.
Im going to be off the grid with my family starting this afternoon 1:00 PM EST until sometime Friday. So… that means I won’t be able to respond to RPs and stuff.
@Ookla the Raveness @Ookla the Abstract @Ookla the Lotus
I’ll be back as soon as possible for Starfall, you guys can rp while I’m gone all you want. Before I leave I’ll just excuse Cedric to his room or something because he is angry or whatever fits best.
@Ookla the Black Sock don’t blow stuff up while I’m gone
@Ookla the Believer @Ookla the Prehistoric yall can try and finish up this hunger games. We don’t have another until January or February so rush XD
@Roosif you got this. I believe in you. There are so many people between the shard and mc who are here for you. If you need anyone to talk to @Ookla the Black Sock (Adon) or some of the other sharders I trust a lot like: @Ookla the Pastry @Ookla the Lotus @Ookla the Raveness
Dont blow up my notifs guys.
I love all of yall and I’ll be online until this afternoon so I’m ready to rock and roll.
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He still holds onto her hand lightly. He picks his fork back up and goes back to picking at his food, listening. He doesn’t dare speak a work, nor look at his father. He squeezes her hand slightly. He lets go of a breath, very pleased that they let go of the topic. He nods, looking up at her, opening his mouth to speak, but he shuts it. He just stares at her from the side, he smiles a little. His father is wrong about a lot of things, but that isn’t one of them. She is the most wonderful woman he has ever met. He is already looking at her when she turns and he widens his smile, smiling right back at her.
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He squeezes her hand, setting down his fork slowly. He looks back up at her. He doesn’t have to pretend, he really does love her. He smiles at her slightly. ”Thank you, honey.”
just wanted to share what I made
