Weaver of Shadows
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Something is wrong
with the way I think
with the ways I act
with the ways I feel.
Something is wrong
with what I want
with what I hate
with who I am
Something is wrong
with how I hate
with what I wish
with what I enjoy
Many things are wrong
with the person I am.
How can I ever
be accepted if the person
who knows me best
hates me most
how can I let others
see who I really am?
I can be “myself”
when I’m around certain people.
I can be another “myself”
around others.
There are so many
of these versions of me
which one is me
are all of them?
Are none of them?
Have I killed the real me
strangling him with
the chains and expectations
and dreams and hopes
and tearing him apart
forcing him to be
what I think other people want.
I think I have
I think I’ve killed him.
But he’s still here
a ghost in my head
that only I can hear
he tells me truth
and that truth hurts
so much, it makes me
want things I shouldn’t
be wanting.
SpoilerToday has been an interesting day to say the least. I can feel my anxiety, shoved down by so much other stuff but threatening to spill out. It makes me sick, like physically sick. I would not be surprised if tomorrow I get really sick. It happens when I get too stressed, and today was one of those days.
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Sorry I'm so late.
It's okay not to know who you are. It's okay to take it slowly and figure it out along the way. You are, as Wit said, a child of God, as well as a disciple of Christ and a child of the covenant. And beyond that, it'll take work and tears and mistakes to figure out, and that's okay. I wish I could do more. I know it hurts, and I'll keep you in my prayers.
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“What was that? Sorry, I didn’t catch it.”
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Daniel sat next to her. "Did you want to try now or later?"
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“Go ahead and try, I’ll warn you though…sometimes those thoughts aren’t the best.”
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“If you could read my mind?”
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“Alright. But do you think that would work or is it just another one of my stupid ideas?”
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“I don’t know, is there anywhere that can tell us what powers everyone has?”
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An idea sprang to Daniel’s mind. “There has to be someone here that can know my thoughts, then they can prove to you that I’m telling the truth!”
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“You aren’t, I just wish there was some way for me to be able to help more. I’m sorry, you’re probably sick of hearing me say that.”
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“For what?”
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“Ok.” The uncomfortable silence continued.
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“Oh, I see. But your illusions do have substance to them?”
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After a long and awkward silence, Daniel decided something had to be said. “So, healing, conjuring, and illusions, is there anything else that you can do?”
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Daniel, still wanting to discuss it but thinking it might not be the right time, did the same.
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“We should, I agree.”
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“It teaches about magic.”
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“It is.”
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“I think I can understand that, where you wonder if people only pretend to be your friend, that they don’t really like to be around you. I don’t know how I can assure you of this, but I’m being honest, I do really think that you’re remarkable. ”No, I’m new here.”
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After a moment of silence, Daniel said, “So you really think that everything I said was a lie?”
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“I’d be happy to!”
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“I guess I’ll just have to keep reminding you every day how amazing you are until you believe me.”
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“You have point, but I wasn’t saying things I didn’t mean. Is there some way I can prove this to you? Because I don’t want you thinking that you aren’t remarkable, you really are.”
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“What reason should I have to lie to you?”
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“I haven’t said anything ‘just to be nice.’ I meant what I said.”
