The cheeseman

"how do i get a wife"

[picture of a child that she could betrothe her monarch to] "3????? dude will be dead by the time she's childbearing"

"so basically i just want the most fertile wife then"

"dude none of these women are any good"
Wdym???
"I have high standards"
Are you looking for the heir to the HRE or smth??
"he's [the king] shy he needs someone he can be safe with. and all the good ones are chaste"
"can he have multiple wives"
No
"damn it"
He can have mistresses tho
"PERFECT. How many??"

"okay so if i pick a wife who will be a good diplomat but chaste i can have five mistresses"
I think so
"can i legitimize their kids?"
Yeah
"awesome"

"I don't like Brian [king's living child]"
Okay…
"can i kill him"
Hon you can't kill your own children in CK2
"that's dumb"

"let's give him a 41 year old wife to whip him into shape"
"just kidding she's not going to be very fertile"

"I'm gonna bribe Brian"
""Love me, son""

"ooooh I'm gonna give him a title"
A landed one or an honorary one?
"honorary"
"he doesn't deserve a landed one"

"so what do i do now? my wives haven't answered and no one wants to be my friend [accept vassalization]"

"oh boy someone arrived at my court"
"tis a woman"
"must woo her"
"oh shoot"
"she's my wife apparently"
"guess she accepted"
"oh and she doesn't like me"
"great"

Time to make some heirs
"is there a 'have sex' button or smth"

"omg i can plot to kill her!!!!"
"this is gonna be fun"