Wittles

I've been stuffing down panic attacks all day so that's been fun. My parents decided to use what I have dubbed "adrenaline fueled panic wake-ups" as in my dad literally drags me out of bed and acts emotionally manipulative until I'm out of the door. My mom just kind of sits back because I don't think she really knows how terrible that kind of thing is for my mental state. Nevermind the fact that the night before last she decided to come talk to me and we were able to work through a lot of things that were seriously impacting our relationship and how I talked about this exact kind of thing.

I've just been trying to distract myself from being in my head for too long by talking about shared interests with friends or listening to music. This worked until the class right after lunch(I have some friends in there, but not very good friends, just those acquaintances you feel safe around in a class with no friends). I've been so anxious about coming home and I thought I might be able to use this nifty thing called logic to talk about the way I do schoolwork the most effectively,(basically letting me have access to things like music and the ability to take micro breaks every few minutes). But you know, the magic words that all parents can say to end any argument ✨because I said so✨. Coupled with the special kind of logic only parents have.

Currently I can hear my dad telling my mom how I need to have even less freedom with what I do. Even though I am literally stuck in a monotonous and almost endless cycle of waiting for the day where I can actually be myself.

I guess I just really needed to talk about this.