kajsa ㅇㅅㅇ

scud ok

the funeral was really really good 

probably the best funeral i’ve ever been to actually

it was short and sweet and to the point and there was so much beautiful music

was i sobbing the whole time? yeah

do i feel better now? …yeah, i do

there were some religious parts and i haven’t been to church for like three years and i just had so much peace

the church we went to was beautiful

there were stained glass windows and the chapel was so wide open and the colorful light just streamed in…

and scud when they brought the casket down the aisle there was a lady singing and all the family members like put their hand to the casket to say goodbye and her grandpa kissed the casket and i was just bawling

it’s so so sad

my old director got asked to sing so he sang two songs, both picked out by her family (he also played the piano for all the songs)

he sang Golden Hour by JVKE and at the end instead of saying “the love of my life”, he said “the love of our lives” and that just hit so hard

and then he sang Godspeed by Frank Ocean at the end when they took her away, and then he transitioned it into an instrumental of Amazing Grace, which kind of killed us all

some friends of hers also sang Be Still My Soul and another song about God receiving her soul and her standing before him in heaven and it was just so so so beautiful

her sisters both spoke, and then the pastor led the rest of it and read some scripture and said prayers and stuff

it was a lot and i had a headache from staying quiet while i was crying but at the end i could kind of do what i needed while i hugged my friends and my director (he gives the bestest hugs i swear)

and then there was a luncheon which was really nice and the food was so good i think it healed my soul a little lol

and then we came home and i decided to just let myself breatge and kind of do whatever so i did a hermes inspired makeup look

i miss her a lot, but i think i’m going to be okay. grief isn’t linear, but i think i’m doing a lot better. the funeral was really healing. 

i’ll probably visit the memorial whenever i can, too. 

summer’s almost here! 20 days of school left…