kajsa ㅇㅅㅇ

ugh really been on an emotional roller coaster this week

this month, really 

just felt really intense this week

i’m probably just hormonal 

but right now i’m not doing so good

i was doing better earlier today but really i just feel like i’m lying to myself

staying clean, just substituting with arm art

it feels like i’m just slowly losing hold of my life and the people i love

like they’re all slipping away slowly and inevitably and there’s nothing i can do

every time i look at my littlest brother (he’s 11 years younger than i am), i just feel so sad and i don’t know why and there’s this feeling of horrible dread that keeps following me around and i think i’m scared of being left alone or missing out on the important stuff or like what if something happens to them and it’s my fault that i didn’t spend more time with them and try harder to be a better sister? what’s gonna happen when my parents are gone? i can’t be on my own

not to mention i’m so romantically lonely

i’ve always wanted someone to lean on, a hand to hold, someone to hug, someone who loves me just as much as i love back and someone i just understand but it’s not really looking so good for me

most girls my age have dated before, probably several times

i’m gonna be that one senior who’s never dated anybody and gets avoided like the plague 

and i’m gonna be thirty and alone and too scared to leave my apartment because the world is a terrifying place to live in and one day i really will be alone and my parents really will be gone and i probably won’t live near my siblings and my friends will all be at college and i don’t even know where i’m going or what i want to do or if i WANT to go to college

or maybe i just spend too much time on school to keep all As but whats the point anyway if all it’s for is to work

we do all this work just to prepare us to do other work——like oh, the more work you do now, the more options you have for the kind of work you get to do later

that’s all life is is an endless cycle of constant WORK 

how stupid is that

and it’s always for other people, never a break, and as soon as you clear your plate, BOOM, there’s another thing waiting

and then by the time you come home you’re too exhausted to really do anything but be brainless and useless even though there are a thousand things you need to do

like your chores

like cleaning your bedroom

like doing all that homework that should be easy but every time you look at it it just feels like drowning

and my health problems arent going away

i have bad stomach pain and i’ve been getting headaches a lot

im trying to drink water and take care of myself but it’s so hard when i feel like this because what’s the point of helping myself if all i want to do is die

sorry

anyway

this is really depressing and i probably shouldn’t post it but i’m petty and lonely and i don’t know what to do with myself and i’m procrastinating my english project because i really don’t want to do it so

yep