kajsa ㅇㅅㅇ

Show choir camp was honestly a blast. Though it wore me out physically, mentally, and emotionally, it was so so good for me. My improvement in this past year is honestly shocking!!!

While I’m still not necessarily built to be a star dancer (having long legs and arms can get in the way sometimes—and I have broad shoulders and big hands so I tend to look—and be—a little clumsy hahaha), I’m on the road to be a good one. I even got blocked in the front for our whole opener!!!

I talked to Mal a lot since he was in my group, and we honestly had a really fun time (at least I did. Who knows about him lol). Blocking auditions were fun, and then on Thursday—well, I’ll touch on this in the next drop down. Cuz birthday.

At the end of our show on Friday, my director found me and told me, “I am so proud of you. I know you’ve been struggling a little lately,” (how he knows this I am baffled—unless he was talking strictly about my ankle) “but you pushed through it, and I’m very proud of you.” It was all I could do not to cry… I will miss seeing him (almost) every day. At least I’ll still see him sometimes!

Ankle was not great, but that deserves its own drop-down hahaha. 

YAY!!! I’ll still be the youngest in all of my friend groups, but at least I’m not as young as I felt before. (Not that I actually feel any different. But whatever. That’s besides the point.) 

Started out the day by almost being late to show choir camp—my sister and I neglected to set an alarm and woke up a half hour before we needed to be there. We scrambled to get ready and had to grab breakfast on the way (McDonald’s sausage biscuits? Yum.), but we still made it on time. During our first block (combo—which means choreo and vocals), my director was like “We HaVe A bIrThDaY tOdAy!!! It’s Kajsa’s birthday!!!!” I had known it was coming, but it still instilled a bit of half-pleased “oh no xD”. So all 61 kids in the gold group sang happy birthday at me (and Mal made funny faces at me all the while, LOL) while I stood in the middle of the risers, not knowing what to do with myself. Lol. 

mentally this was not the greatest day for me—unless it was the day before. Anyway. That’ll get touched on later.

We went about the day as usual, though I iced my ankle a lot more because, well, it HURT a lot more. But then, at the end of the day, we had a HUGE water balloon fight that was a ton of fun. My sister slipped and fell in the mud (hahahhahahaaaaaa) and people dumped trash cans full of water on my director. Poor guy was soaked to the bone xD my cousin surprised me with Kit Kats and a happy birthday card and hug at the end of the day  

then we went home and ate cupcakes and did gifts (a few of note were as follows: genuine leather bound sketchbook embossed with dragons; fantasy tunic, skirt, and corset/stays; and a hundred thousand Kit Kats and art supplies.)

And then we slept!

well… everyone else did. Lol.

This has actually been a lot better lately. Things have been 110% more chill. My mom has been quieter, less condescending, more understanding—almost gentler. My parents have been more lenient with what we can do and we’ve had more friends over. My older brother is gone a lot, and when he’s around, he’s worn out from biking so he’s not as… you know. Antagonistic. My little brother still annoys the actual heck out of me, but he’s 8. Like what can you do xD

anyways yes. Also my parents are getting me a therapist and I got some anxiety meds to take when I can feel myself getting ramped up. I’d also be getting depression medication if I hadn’t lied on the test.

…whoops.

To be honest, this thing HURTS. A lot. Every day. I’m likely going to be put in a cast and given either a knee roller (heaven help me, I don’t need to be THAT freshman) or crutches (please please please not the knee roller). This is problematic because SCATS choreo week is two weeks from now, and if I can’t dance… I will physically die out of sads. And stress. And overwhelm. 

Hmmm.

I’ve been better and worse lately. There was one day at show choir camp that wore me out a lot, and I don’t know what all it was, but… it was BAD. Bad bad bad bad bad. Like suicidal thoughts bad. Sometimes I still get random impulses or thoughts but I’ve blocked them out enough that it’s easy now.

some days I feel worthless and ugly and crappy and idiotic.

other days I feel happy and beautiful and smart and talented.

it honestly just depends.

it makes me wonder if this is regular depression or bipolar. 

I lied on the form the doctor gave me to see if I had depression. I still scored pretty high, but not “high enough” on the right questions for it to be considered neurochemical. But then again, of course, I lied. I’d be getting meds for it if she knew I’d hurt myself before, let alone that it had become a habit. And that I’d had suicidal thoughts. And my mom would have absolutely grilled me.

But I didn’t tell the truth, and some days I’m glad. Some days I’m mad about it. Yesterday I laid on the kitchen floor by the window with Oslo on my lap and told myself over and over and over that I was a bad person for making stupid mistakes and all the lying.

my appetite has also been bad lately. Dinner today was the first time in five days I’ve drank water. I’m rarely hungry, but when I am, I crave sweets. I can’t go on like this.

I still obviously need help, but I think therapy will help me work some of this out and help me summon the courage to talk to my parents about the self-harm. 

wish me luck.