kajsa ㅇㅅㅇ

i know now

June 8th, 2023

when exactly do you know when you’re not okay anymore?

is it when you feel off, when you start to zone out more and more often?

is it when your usually cool performance cracks a little, but you’re not sure why?

is it when your skin heats up at random, and your hands shake, but there’s no trigger?

is it when you dread coming home, dread the words that will come out of your mother’s mouth, the actions that your brother’s hand might make?

is it when you want to let it all out but you just can’t cry?

when your playlists turn sad, when you don’t smile just because you feel like it?

is it further along, when you don’t smile at all, not for real, anyway?

is it when your appetite drops and spikes at random?

is it when you’re constantly tired but you cannot sleep?

is it when you decide to sleep on the floor because you feel too miserable on the inside for the outside of you to feel pleasure?

is it when you mark up your arms with a knife or a razor, and then eventually anything sharp you can get your hands on?

is it when you stop believing that they love you?

is it when you begin to lay awake at night just to draft suicide letters in your head that you promise you’ll never use?

or will you?

how

do

you

know?

i couldn’t tell you.

but i know.