kajsa ㅇㅅㅇ

I’m extremely tired. I’m so so so tired. Physically and emotionally. I need a new emotional release/coping mechanism because my current one is not healthy, so suggestions are appreciated. Also I don’t think I believe in another life beyond this one. I don’t know if I believe in God or not. I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing in the future. I miss school, weirdly. The structure and the people kind of, while tearing me apart, held me together. Now I don’t have any glue and I’m just kind of… existing in little tiny, exhausted, fragmented, scared, confused pieces. I need to get away from my family. Maybe I could go live with Mal and Anna and their family. I love both of them and their parents beyond words. Or maybe I could go live at Lina’s. I wish I had a summer camp or something. I wish I looked and acted more perfect, wish I WAS more perfect. I guess I’m stuck being a mess for now, clinging onto other people for repair and entertainment, and the ones who should love me most strip me down to a horrible feeling, a few negative words, some actions and a face. I think I deserved it when my brother hit me. I think I liked the pain and the message, being reminded that I am small and insignificant and that nobody in this house cares for me anyway. It’s all yelling and crying and screaming and growling and consequences and grounding and trapping and throwing and suffocating and belittling. The only one who I love here is my dad. He’s like a fresh breath of air every day when he walks through that door, even if he’s soaked in sweat from the work he does to hold this broken family—