kajsa ㅇㅅㅇ

Sooooooooooooo...

I should be doing homework, but.... I just.... I really don't want to. And that seems to be a common thing lately.

In the mornings, I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to do my homework. The only reason I'm keeping my grades up is because it looks good on a resume and I don't want to be interrogated by my parents because wouldn't that mean they only care when my grades slip? Or are they just that oblivious? Am I sulking? Am I wallowing?

I don't want to be at show choir rehearsal, even though I love the people and the group and the show more than anything--they're a family to me, and yet I don't want to be around them. I don't want to go to church anymore after my parents have cut ties, but that's hard because most of my friends are Mormon and I was just called to be the YW secretary, but I don't want to talk to the bishop to release me. I don't want to talk to anyone about the church that's a member for fear of complicatedness and me slipping and saying stuff I'm not supposed to. I'm never hungry. I receive texts that I never respond to because I don't want to talk to that person right then--and even if it's a person I love, I just... stare at the text and clear the notification and go back to sitting on the floor and staring out the window. I'm in a club I don't want to be in and I have to make a video I don't want to make; it's already past its deadline. I don't even want to be around my family and I don't know why--except for my dad. I always want to be around my dad. Am I a bad person for favoring my dad over the rest of my family? Is it evil that if my parents got divorced for some reason, I'd go live with my dad without a second thought?

I feel dejected by a lot of people around me. The dance last night was okay, but I couldn't stop thinking about this stupid boy who still somehow has my heart no matter how much I try to take it back! UGH! Even after he friendzoned me (not very well, mind you), even after he's started to ignore me, why do I still like him? It's not fair! 

There's one girl in a club I'm in that makes me really, REALLY mad. Like... really mad. Whenever I say something I'm excited about or is big news or whatever, she immediately shuts it down with her own thing! For example, the other day I was talking about how we won the biggest competition of the year, and what a big deal it was, and she was like, "Oh, I looked out the window the other day and this cloud looked like SpongeBob." See where my "Nobody Listens" Breathless Poem came from?! Why can't I just be excited for once? Why can't she just let me tell my friends about a victory I had in a life where I feel I have very little of those? Am I a bad person for hating her?

My friends: "What college are you going to?"

"I don't think I'm going to college."

"But you love school."

Do I? Do I really? Or am I just a good student because the teachers deserve it? 

Am I a bad person for feeling like this? Why do I feel like this? Am I broken? Defective?

I should go do my homework now, since there's too much to do in the time I have. At least we only have Monday and Tuesday this week and the rest is off. 

I'm burnt out. I'm done. I just want to stare out the window wrapped in a blanket and get lost in my own world where my heart doesn't belong to people who don't deserve it, where I'm listened to and cared about, where I can escape when I have a panic attack because people acknowledge that it's a real thing for me.

I feel like this should have some sort of closing sentence, but I don't want to think of one. So I won't.