Edema Rue

(I apologize for this in advance, but I had to put words somewhere, and this is all I could think to do)

Finished:

There are no words.

Isn’t that funny?

I should have them.

They are all I have.

But they have broken, twisted, gotten lost along the way and now there is nothing left.

It meant nothing.

How can that be true?

Their lives meant nothing. Their pain meant nothing. Their choices meant nothing. For all that they are in their own worlds, for the gods and goddesses they became, in the end the are nothing.

And if they are nothing,

Then do I mourn for nothing?

Do my tears mean nothing at all? Does it matter how I feel they’ve changed me, since in a day I’ll return to the person I was? 

Isn’t it funny?

Wonderfully funny.

I ought to be laughing at this grand joke.

There is no one to understand their pain, but I, and there is no one to understand mine but them. And they are gone. I could do nothing for them and in the end they can do nothing for me.

Why do I mourn the monsters?

Why do I weep for the murderers?

Why do I care for the destroyers?

Why do I love the ones that will only leave me broken?

It is finished. It is done. It is ended. How dare it be? How dare they leave me to live alone?

Alone.

Alone.

Alone.

Alone.

Death is lighter than a feather, duty heavier than a mountain.

And oh, it is heavy. 

It presses down, tonight.

The knowledge.

The knowledge of a moment where all is new, all is reborn, and there is no one to understand.

No one to care.

No one to notice.

No one who will not mock me for the weakness of daring to try to change because of a few pretty words.

No one who could possibly know the search for home and the dark, desperate, twisted place where I found it and lost it in a heartbeat.

No one who could ever imagine the peace that comes from seeing their pain.

My words are failing me; even I cannot comprehend the chaos that tears my heart to shreds.

Alone, alone, alone.

The tears should not flow so easily.

The pain should not cut so sharply.

The wishes should not shine so clearly.

How can I wish for something so terrible?

Why do I find home surrounded by the hopeless?

In the morning, will it matter?

Will I remember the pain?

Or will I laugh,

And make fun of a world that has shattered my heart and bound it up with gentle love? There is nothing I could say tonight that will make my betrayal tomorrow hurt them less.

I dare not think of the person I will be when I awake tomorrow.

I cannot stand to be the person I am now.

How can I possibly make anyone understand?

I can’t.

There is no possible way.

The words are nothing.

And I am empty.

And somehow I am not just lonely,

But utterly alone.

My head is always in the clouds

And suddenly there’s been a deadly storm.

And no one below can feel the lightning running through my bones.

And no one can see the tears that fall for the deaths of those who never lived.

And no one will ever know the ache in my heart as the rain cuts into exposed skin.

And no one can will ever see a change because I am too weak to let this shattered heart heal into something better.

Oh, cursed world.

Let me go.

Let me live in a fiction.

Let it break me.

And then let me stay there.

And let that world bring me the comfort that this one never has.

And let that world teach me to grow in a way that I never have in this one.

And let that fiction guide me to the truth.

And please,

World,

Let me stay there

So that I will never be lonely.

Happy birthday, Lotus! You're awesome, you write beautifully and you're so talented. Hope it's a great day!