Edema Rue

This isn’t really relevant to any of you, but my brain needs to write so you get this.

Today is the day. 

I have been working for today for nearly a year.

I’ve given blood.

There’s a tossup for whether I’ve given more sweat or more tears. 

But it’s too late to train, now.

Too late to put in the work that should’ve started last year.

Because today, we ride.

I have my first race of the season, today. We only have 4 races, 5 if you go to state, and I intend to go to state. Problem is, for my category, JVB girls, only the top 25 go to state. And I’m starting 44th. That means I need to pass at the very least 19 people, and maintain it, too.

And I don’t think I can do it.

This has been my goal for a year now, and I’ve worked specifically for today.

And I’m terrified. I didn’t sleep nearly enough last night. 

A part of me really, truly, wants to just ride and enjoy coming in dead last. I’ve done it before, I can do it again. 

But today, I’m choosing to believe. I’m choosing to believe that I’ve worked hard enough and that if I push, I can do it. 

And that’s why I’m so scared. Because it hurts more to have hope. Hope is like a water-filled cactus: it can save you, but it’s going to hurt every time you fail and even when you succeed. 

I’m terrified. 

But today, that’s ok.

Today, I’m gonna ride my bike and I’m gonna beat some people.

(when you all get an emotional, depressed SU sometime tonight or tomorrow, you’ll know why).