Edema Rue

We did an interesting thing in seminary the other day.

Everyone got the exact same blue pen. Everyone got the exact same paper with yes or no questions on it. For each question, you could circle yes or no. It was completely anonymous.

Some of the questions were things like “were you satisfied with your grades last semester” and “have you had your first kiss”. But most of them were a little more painful to answer. Things like, “have you struggled with mental health before?” “Have you ever had thoughts of hurting yourself?” And “do you feel like your Heavenly Father and Jesus love you?”

And some of them were even harder; “have you ever intentionally sought out pornography”, “do you feel that you’ve broken the law of chastity”, “have you ever had drugs or alcohol”, and “are you ever worried about your family’s financial situation” are just a few. 

Then, when we’d all answered, she collected all the papers, mixed them up, and redistributed them. She would read the question, then ask everyone with a certain answer on the paper they’d been given to stand up. And it broke my heart. For the mental health and self-harm questions, all but one or two people were standing. There were people who were struggling with every question. One of them was “do you feel like you’re enough”. Over half the class answered no. And the one that makes me the saddest: “Do you feel that Heavenly Father and Jesus love you”. There are people who honestly don’t feel that love.

It breaks my heart how much everyone hurts. It breaks my heart how strong they look on the outside and how broken they are inside. Like paper mache that holds its shape even after the balloon inside it has popped, these people are broken and hurting and they are everywhere. 

And so I’d like to remind you all; you are loved. You belong exactly where you are. There is a plan for you, even if you can’t see it. There is always, always, a reason to keep pushing forward. Keep fighting, tired warriors. Keep pushing, brave soldiers. You fight a war just to get up in the morning and some days no one sees. I see you. I see your pain and I commend your strength. If I could bring you in from the cold and wrap you in a fuzzy blanket and put a warm mug of hot cocoa in your hands I would. I would do it in a heartbeat if it could help you stop hurting. If I could give you even a moment’s break from the pain of the life you live. 

Don’t stop hoping. Please, never stop hoping. Even when you have no reason to. Even when not only is there no light at the end of the tunnel but the tunnel has collapsed on top of you, leaving no hope of survival nor escape from the darkness. Hope hurts so much more than callousness. It lets you get cut so much more easily. 

But with hope, you can heal, and with hope you have a reason to keep on living. 

And you, specifically you, deserve to keep living. Whether you believe it or not.

<3