I'm so sick of being sad. I get that's understandable and it's okay, but at the same time my friends are struggling and need my help. I don't feel worthy to help them when I can't go thirty minutes before I feel like crying. I haven't been able to get through seminary without crying. I can't make it through my show choir show without crying. The ballad is about remembering people and it's too much. And yet at the same time the directors are all "Facials! You're supposed to be comforting and reflective." I can't do that right now. Half of the people in that group can't. Not with that song. My mom had to get me waterproof mascara for the competitions. Last night at youth activities I was okay, I was fine, I was having fun, and then I just wasn't. And my siblings wouldn't leave me alone. I can't tell them that someone I knew died because they'll ask how and they won't understand that. I'm doing the most random stuff trying to keep myself from thinking about things. To keep myself from crying and it's not working. And I'm getting really tired of the question "Are you okay?" And I know that I'm not showing a whole lot of emotion or doing much of anything so that's really the only way to know. But the answer is no. The answer is so obviously no. This is the least I've smiled in forever. Can't people see or tell? Do they really have to keep asking me that?