Mags

The real question is, can I learn how to be highly proficient at ten key in around a week and a half, or do I need to apply for a different job . . .

AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

I did it . . . 

I applied for a job . . .

I'm so nervous

More than any other time of the year, I think summer is the most reflective time for me, when it comes to my life and where I'm going. Maybe, because the western school system has hard-wired my brain to see this as the end of the year, and not january.

Summer is a special time because for a student, it's set apart from the year. While I may not remember what I did every November for the past few years, I do remember what I did in every June. Maybe, because the world is more alive--with plants and blue skys--it makes me feel more alive, and so I remember it better. Grey snowy days all blur together, somberness making them obsolete to each other. Each new summer day is like a vibrant painting of blue and green and the flowers that come and go only add to the memorability. 

Today is the first day of summer, and I pulled out the sketchbook I had been using exactly 1 year ago. I can remember drawing a certain picture immediately after I got home from the last day of school. The year before that, I remember laying on the couch staring at the ceiling and thinking the same things I'm writing now. In middle school, I came home from the school carnival (the last day) and changed into a specific shirt. I still remember how the fabric felt, and how relaxing it was to feel the cool air on my skin. 

This year, summer snuck up on me. Generally, the oct. to feb. period of time becomes a long slog of mundane. But this year, ACT prep kept me extremely busy throughout that time, and I didn't feel boredom start to set in, as I always had before. Then, the only thing that mattered was the test in March, hanging over me. Now, that's been done for a few months. Now, it's summer. A summer I didn't spend months pining over. 

If, as I mentioned earlier, summer is the end of an old year, and the beginning of new one, then it is also a time of change. I feel as though I remain stagnant throughout school months, but my biggest self changes occur during the break. It's now, when I've finished another year, that I truly realize I am growing older. Even if the shadows of the trees on the street are exactly the same as they've always been. 

It's every summer, that I convince myself the next school year I will be better and do better, even if it doesn't really happen. It's every summer that I realize I want more than what I have. 

Yesterday, the last day, my friend drove me home from school. (The day had an open ended schedule after noon, so you could stay or leave whenever you wanted). Getting a ride home from school might not seem much, but it made me realize something.

I'm not a very independent person. I only leave the house for school or with my parents. I spend all my free time in my room alone. I do the same exact thing, day after day, year after year. There's nothing wrong with those things, but I'm finding for the first time in my life, I want to be independent. I wish I could go out and do things and talk to people more often. 

I'm growing older, which means I'm taking a lot of big new steps. I'm in that awkward stage when I'm still a child but I have to pretend I'm an adult so I can kickstart my life. I have to do so many things that terrify me. But for the first time, I want to do them.

I want to learn to drive, so I can have a similar freedom as my friend. I want to work and make my own money, and learn about things. I want to pick a career. I want to talk to new people.

I've spent all (school) year being terrified of these things. For one reason or another, but mostly because change is scary. My whole life, I've floated on the edge of change, wanting things to be different one way or another, but never actually having the courage to change things. But now that summer has started--my time for reflection and my time for change, it doesn't feel so bad.

Right now, it feels natural.

Every next step is only a step, and someday I'll be on my own and have so much freedom. I want to experience and do so many things, and I'm going to do it. Tonight I'm planning on applying for my first job (hopefully I can get hired lol). I'm planning on reworking my schedule so I can take driver's ed next year. I've decided what I want to do the first few years after graduation.

Maybe, I'm the only one who has my 'january epiphany' as I'll call it, in summer. That being said, I don't think there's ever a set time to re-invent ourselves, it's continuous. I hope I can continue to have this courage, and I hope that this summer at least, I will find myself a little better than before.

Sorry for rambling, I was just having a lot of thoughts today.

I'm so grateful for this place. Thank you all for being my window to the world that always felt so far away <<<3