Fauxsaurus

I remembering reading the intent part and was kicking myself because I felt it was obvious, but I never explicitly put two and two together until that moment! I think the Flamespren experiments in RoW (if I recall correctly) made me subconsciously suspicious that intent might matter just as it did in Hemalurgy. Also, though I had not heard the term before, Unsealed Metalminds speaks perfectly to the medallion concepts (just another example of how I feel the terminology/magic systems themselves feel intuitive the more one discovers). Ah, that sums up--and greatly expands upon--my understanding at the end of TLM (i.e., how aluminum/duralumin could theoretically be used to overcome those pesky identity issues). I can't find the relevant WoB at the moment, but I'm left wondering if Hemalurgy's Spiritweb leakage might increase going forward (i.e., future eras) since Preservation breaking a promise to Ruin opens up potential issues of the long foretold Discord eventually holding more sway than Harmony. Interesting, I didn't know that, but it makes sense! I read the eBook version of Warbreaker, which incidentally had all the annotations bundled in the back (so if that snippet of info was in there, I must have forgotten)--and those were such a fascinating read that it greatly elevated my thoughts on the novel and sucked me further into the Cosmere. Fascinating WoB (couldn't figure out how to quote that particular part) and naturally, I love the tradeoff between morality and potency. Hopefully we'll eventually get a video game where we can agonize over the implications of such intricacies in the vein of other systems where good guys/gals pay the price (e.g., BioShock, Dishonored, Web of Shadows, and Hogwarts Legacy to name a few). I feel the same on all fronts, thanks again for enlightening me and whoever stumbles across this thread! PS I'm not sure how pervasive this idea is throughout the community, but continuing down the same vein of Moash & Hemalurgy, I found this Redditer's observations on Moash's foil fascinating.

Ah, so my initial instincts were right--thank you for the clarification! (And patience with a first-time poster on this particular forum.) I'd forgotten about that--love the depth in this magic system (and how even the art is designed to be informative)! Interesting. I must admit that I'm not familiar with Identity contamination, but I'll certainly be hopping into that rabbit hole. Additionally, I look forward to what sorts of shenanigan's characters from future/upcoming eras will be able to get into once they've learned & further expanded upon the potential setup in the magic systems[1]. Excellent, thanks for clearing that up and citing a source I'd never seen--which naturally addresses implications that I never thought of (e.g., impression leading to getting the wrong thing, or spiking the recently deceased). Wow, that sounds pretty complicated (especially given how the Spen appear in a partial/incomplete form to many in the Physical realm (at least that's how I was interpreting some of the reasons for the differences in their appearances between realms). Ah, I see. Looks like I'm overdue for diving into the Spiritweb proper. There's always another secret. And by extension, more to learn . In sum, thank you for the thoughtful, in-depth responses! [1] Tangentially, I've been yearning to find more SFF works where subsequent generations expand upon magic (or tech) overtime via advances in R&D being distributed more broadly throughout the populace via common knowledge and public education (i.e., feats that were once difficult or impossible to fathom in prior eras becoming common place in the future). Off the top of my head, Metal Bending in ATLoK is the only example that I can think of (but then again, it's late).

Building off of what happened to Moash in WaT, does anyone have theories about crystal spike gemstone types affecting Hemalurgic powers gained? For example, do we think that: The type of gemstone used to make a crystal spike affects the type powers the spiked gain? (e.g., Would embedding sapphire spikes created from a Windrunner grant Adhesion and Gravitation abilities?) This WoB seems to hint that multiple powers could be harvested at once, but if that were not the case, is it more likely that only one ability could be gained? If only one ability could be gained, would any given crystal spike have the capacity to grant either of a Radiant's surges? (In which case, the power transferred would ultimately be determined by the spike's placement in the host.) Note: It's been too long since I read Mistborn, so I can't recall if the insertion site on the poor soul donating their abilities affected what type of power was collected. So if someone can recall this, feel free to point it out! Alternatively, since Spren are an integral part of granting Surges, would they, not their Radients, need to be used as donors? Irrespective of the source of the donor, would it be possible to grant additional, alternative abilities by trapping different types of Spren in crystal spikes instead of/before/during/after skewering a donor? Or would attempting to use a gemstone housing a Spren simply not work for Hemalurgy? (Similar to how a Feruchemist's stored abilities are off limits to an Allomancer attempting to burn said Metalmind due to them containing Investiture connected to another individual). Well, that's all I have for now. Thanks for reading this far and I look forward to any discussion that may follow! PS Special thanks to the lovely crew on this episode of the Shardcast, because despite having a less optimistic (and perhaps more realistic/informed) theory on how things might actually unfold with "Rosharan Hemalurgy", they nonetheless prompted me to share this idea (because even it turns out to be wrong, the world builder in me loves the implications and interactions of the theoretical mechanics too much not to share). PPS To further illustrate the idea--and serve as a handy visual aid for those of us who don't have everything memorized--here's an image on gemstones and their corresponding Radiant orders from Skaa originally used on this thread.

Hey everyone, long time no see! Just wanted to let you know that I finally released my debut novel, Ghost Girl and the Ghost Giant. (Special thanks to @Silk, @Mandamon, @Robinski, @shatteredsmooth, @kais, and @FlowerGirlfor providing feedback in the early stages so long ago!)

p214 TLM 1st Edition US eBook- flavor & finest appear as "fl avor" & "fi nest" in the broadsheet text section, but are correct in the image. (Might be a ligature issue?)

Aside from some first-draft spelling mistakes[0], nothing stands out to me as inherently good or bad, aside from some interesting concepts sprinkled throughout. Thus I suppose it seems like an "average" chapter for me thus far. As for imagining how this could be a reader's favorite chapter & live up to its full potential, maybe building up that moment in the sky would do the trick? Yes, A truly loves it, but what about Ae & C? Is C thrilled or terrified, or does she find the saddle a bit cramped with Ae. And is Ae just like, "meh, another day in the sky"[0.5]? Not sure if that helps, but I hope you find something in these posts to help you revise this to a point you're satisfied with! p2 The idea of keeping valuable trading items on hand seems interesting, but it makes sense that A wouldn't have due to the banishment & all. p2 "cell phone" cellphone. Interesting... referring to it as a cellphone seems in line with A's age[1]. p3 "One you both" Once you both p3 "neglected to say we could not use the steeds." lol p4 Interesting that A thinks of C as a "random human teenager" as if more strongly identifying with the fae subconsciously. p4 "horse like" horse-like p4-5 Memory troubles are the worst[2]. Hang in there, A! Also, I wonder if the memory trouble is biological/behavioral or mystical. p6 "Cheat sheet" cheatsheet p6 "nothing else like it in the world" Given that the faerie world is separate from the human one & the fae are aware of it, would their cultural expressions reflect multiple worlds? p6 Telepathic, flying mounts sound cool. Seems like there'd be a learning curve. p7 "went made with grief" went mad with grief p7 "mothers cat" mother's cat p7 "neighbors half blind" neighbor's half-blind p7 "ran into things when she startled" rand into things when she got startled p8 Good thing Ae is ridding with C. Telepathic mounts and modern (aka distraction-prone) teens sound like a bad idea. p8 "big magic horse-bird" big, magic horse-bird p9 "enough daylight left for a quick meat" enough daylight left for a quick meal p9 "slug a pack off" lugged a pack off? p9 "cell phone" p9 I wonder if the phone thing was one of Ae's tests since it seems too coincidental they ended up there[3]. [0] Congrats on finishing this by the deadline! [0.5] Plus, that'd be another opportunity to better characterize/contrast the three of them by having them react differently to the same stimuli. And then there's the fantastical landscapes that could be thrown in to truly awe the reader & build up the world further--a lot of potential! [1] I only hear people under 30 call them phones. Middle-aged & up refer to them as cellphones or cells, while the elderly occasionally refer to them as telephones. [2] Like A, my memory is bad, though the bowing bit reminds me of one of the Harry Potter films. [3] Also, I was curious if the humans had landed in the pond since that'd leave less trace.

I'm a little late here, but I really enjoyed these two chapters! We get to see more of the world & the plot hits the ground running[0]. Like the others, I think the courtroom escape scene needs to be fleshed out a bit to be more believable[1]. As it stands, it's kinda hard to believe she got out of a packed room after being sentenced[2]. Other than that, things go by pretty fast, so if you're the type of writer that adds more detail on subsequent drafts, I say go for it--aside from a few plot points, everything is good & I'm left wanting more! p1 "Triported", I like it[3] p2 "Hopefully, with so many people in the room, he wasn't paying attention to me." IDK, this doesn't seem very reasonable, given that you're the center of attention--unless he's feeling out the room with his powers out of boredom. p4 Ah, they have super strength, all our just some? p6 Privacy freaks! I wonder how effective this sort of attire is against mindreading, though. p7 "someone about the way she hops" something p8 Seems obvious she'd flee to such a unique hiding spot[3.5]. And given how the gifted left with J, it seems like he might be a small man if it's that tight a fit. And that'd probably make it hard to hold onto J as they both squeeze through the hole. p9 New power[4], it seems like they each have them all, or that's what the public thinks at least. p9 Given the truck mentioned in the prior chapter/opening line, it seems unlikely J wouldn't deduce it's a vehicle that rolls on four wheels. It also seems a bit strange to me personally that J wouldn't think about the similarities the car shares with the supply truck to come to the same conclusion and accept what the gifted said since the vehicle is so odd. p9 Electric power or different car starting tech. p12 "check her in," ah rhymes! p13 Clearly, there are more settlements for Triported to be such a common occurrence. p15 "Opening a supply box again and again," nice, in-world metaphor! p6 Not sure what to expect from the ending line, but now that J's in the gifted city again, she might see her sister again & maybe Ju (if my unwarranted suspicions of her are correct). [0] I think the grammar has improved as well, and for me, the current biggest issue is the *I*s not always being capitalized. [1] This could also be an opportunity to showcase J's skills & the culture (e.g., did she slip out the back after rolling away from people's grasp, or did people part around her, afraid to catch her *disease* like mentioned before (that actually seems semi-plausible if attempting to detain someone is a sign of aggression--especially in a public place with so many witnesses))? [2] Unless this is an unreliable narrator-type thing. But that doesn't seem to be the case. [3] Especially because reported is pronounced like *riported* where I live, lol. [3.5] Maybe Ju's not on her side, given her window hopping skillset, bad hiding spot advice, and the way the gifted just ignored her--I'd be even more suspicious if they met after J's second reporting (for so few cases to go to trial and the He's resources, it does seem like they could have someone planted to watch over the worst cases). [4] Or tech.

Overall, I like the imagery that's presented and the implications of immortal politics, where rulers can only be displaced through plotting & murder. Aside from my page-by-page thoughts below, it seems everyone has different views on A's levels of activeness/passivity. Personally, I wasn't bothered by it & think it's a bit natural A doesn't do much. Being presented to a guard & then the queen that previously banished them--tying to walk the thin line between not backing down or offending self-centered people in power[0] seems reasonable. Looking back, though, I feel A's activeness could be improved & if this is the source of offness, might I suggest A relaying information to C? It seems only natural that C'd have questions about being in this strange place & it could give A something to do while not jeopardizing the odds of investigating or getting banished again[1]. Also, I think this approach could pair well with the idea of A being a teacher[2]--if you decide to go that route. p1 Love the description of the castle & the idea of the city of tents set up for the festivities. Mentally, I imagined medieval pavilions instead of the modern triangular ones, but I think a bit about the color of the tents & the lush fields could really sell the scene further[3]. p1 Ah, the rooms move! Perhaps that's why the turrets & towers *seemed* to be in different places when looking back at them. Maybe that wasn't an illusion! p1 I like the clarity that humans don't age in this place & the implications that could have for A encountering former human acquaintances that he searched for but didn't find in the human world (and the ambiguity of their fates). p2 Nice choice for the queen's name! p3 Ah, someone seems to recognize A! p3 looked like the pain they were drawn with paint made from ground up gemstones. looked like the pain they were drawn from was made from ground-up gemstones p3 I like the detail & succinctness used to describe the murals! p3 Ah, they have feline eyes! (i.e., slitted pupils) Do they all have them, or is this actually not literal? p4 Near-perfect memory hampered by paying attention, interesting & good worldbuilding! p4 realms destruction realm's destruction [0] (i.e., the queen can banish people & the guard could decide not to let them pass, wasting precious time at a critical stage of the investigation) [1] I realize that this threat isn't stated anywhere, but it is just something I assumed possible due to the queen's attitude toward humans & the previous banishment. If this becomes an explicit threat, perhaps it could help explain A's relative passivity & add more tension throughout the chapter. [2] Additionally, I found my own enjoyment was enhanced while looking into Unseelies on the web while reading through the second time around & feel that A relaying this info would strengthen the worldbuilding & characterization of A & C (possibly even Ae if he chimed in to correct A about things having changed since they left while walking to the queen's chamber). [3] And keep it more in line with the level of fantastical detail later used to describe the murals.

Hi, everyone, thanks for reading & sorry for the late response! In summary, I wholeheartedly agree the opening went on too long and am grateful for the feedback that's making it easier to "kill my darlings," so thank you all for that! Going forward, I'll attempt to clarify the relationship between the supernatural and the mundane being like that of the real world[1]. And I'll tweak things so that it's more plausible the parents don't know while also conveying that the ghost seems more threatening before it shows up. But that'll be in another revision of this chapter I won't share here (twice is enough). Also, I'm thrilled that the bullying aspect seems unrealistic--as that means no one had to actually go through that[2]! @Silk As for the target age range, no matter how hard I try, it seems everything I write seems to skew adult, lol. I'm shooting for YA, but will see where the story ends up by the final draft. And the Canada bit amuses me as well[3]! Though at the moment, I'm leaning towards keeping it in as it succinctly sets the stage time & place-wise. Hairspray[4] & mental hospitals... I'm wondering if this is a bit of a geography/dialect thing. I'm in complete agreement on asylum being dated[5], though the term mental hospital is still in use where I live[6]. Personally, psychiatric hospital seems older--though that's not what Google seems to say & my take's probably colored on my research on a certain shuttered institution. Out of curiosity, does anyone feel like sharing what words/phrases are in use for mental hospitals where they're from? (i.e., rural Midwest: mental hospital & loony bin[7]) Anyway, thanks to all who raised this issue so I can look into it more & approach a sensitive topic with the appropriate amount of care. [1] i.e., the vast majority of people are *highly* skeptical and think there's something wrong with whoever talks about it seriously. [2] Class color day my freshman year seemed quite surreal--kids covering their faces with bandanas, sunglasses, and hats while dressing alike to confuse teachers as they ran around spraying kids. All the while, I wondered why the administration wasn't doing much about it. Thankfully, by my senior year, the practice seemed to die out entirely. [3] For goodness sake, some parts are further south than the northern continental US! (Not that there'd be much temperature difference at similar longitudes.) [4] Yes, it's hair dye, but it's also sprayable--so we just called it hairspray back in high school. Confusing, I know. [5] I wasn't happy with asylum's inclusion in that passage but opted for it rather than a repeat of mental hospital. I'm hoping a rewrite will end up with only one reference to that type of place to avoid stale/datedness. [6] Admittedly, the rural Midwest is most certainly behind the curve. [7] I've never used the latter as slang in my personal life and doubt I'll do so in this book, either.

First off, congrats on your first sub! Overall, I love the story thus far! The characters, plot, and world all seem ripe with potential, and I can't wait to see where they go & learn more! As far as titles go, I know they can be tricky, and sometimes they become more apparent towards the end[1]. To that end, I feel I wouldn't be able to make an appropriate suggestion until having read the final chapter[2]. Out of curiosity, how far along on this new novel are you? (e.g., 2nd draft, almost finished with the middle, etc.) As for what's not working, there's some grammar stuff, but I think the biggest issue is that some of the wording feels unnecessary and is slowing down the pace--which makes me a bit envious as I think that's a surface-level thing that's more easily fixable than some of the structural issues I've encountered in my own work. Furthermore, I personally never felt frustrated while coming across an issue, which I think is the sure sign of a good story[3]! My current understanding of the rules is that there's a group of people that can read minds. How (origin-wise/mechanically) & the limitations are unknown, but I personally hope they get explored since I'm a big fan of interesting/hard magic systems, but that's just me. As for the laws like not offending people or showing aggression, I'm curious what the precedent is for interpreting those rules & where the lines are drawn. My understanding is a little fuzzier here, though given that the protag[4] seems to not be an adult, I personally feel that's fitting & has room to be further explored in upcoming chapters and possibly the next one, given the cliff hanger. Personality-wise, a small part of me feels some of the characters are a bit archetypical, but I think that's okay as they can be fleshed out more in the following chapters. That said, I think there's room to add more characterization to them in the current chapter without overloading the reader with info[5]. Protag- seems to be a bit headstrong and has a bit of friction with societal & cultural expectations[6]. J- the voice of reason contrasts well with the protag. A- currently, I strongly dislike him due to how he withheld seemingly crucial information. Actually, maybe I don't dislike him--presumably, he's been living amongst mind readers all his life, and it wouldn't occur to him to say such things aloud. If so, he's naïve, like K. IDK. I reserve judgment. He's either insidious or naïve. K- seems a bit naïve/mischievous, which seems quite interesting given the restrictive rules and that she'll soon be living with a bunch of mind readers As to where the story's going, I'm not sure. If I were forced to guess, I'd go with us exploring more of the town & gifted settlement's cultures through the eyes of the protagonist. Perhaps the protag will get sentenced to be exiled, or they'll escape jail to rescue their sister. Then they'll do recon on the gifted settlement to learn more about them and plan the heist to save their sister while discovering more about the powers or coming to realize the gifted people aren't all that bad or that something larger is at play behind the people making the oppressive rules. IDK. Looking forward to wherever the story goes! Aside from all that, I'm looking forward to learning more about this society that stigmatizes aggression and offensiveness. Tangentially, this seems like speculative fiction taking the present-day trend of agreeableness being prioritized above wisdom to the extreme[7]. It also reminds me a bit of Inuit society, another culture in a harsh environment where anger is also stigmatized (though there, the stigma seems like a more positive thing whereas it's portrayed as a more dystopic development in this tale). As a worldbuilder, I'm also curious how the children were taught to emotionally regulate themselves to not offend with words or thoughts[8] or be perceived as aggressive--but that's a personal preference, do what's best for your story! [1] Case in point, while watching The Imperial Coroner, I felt the title was fitting, but the final scene really hammered the meaning home in a new way & re-contextualized the entire thing. [2] At the moment, have a hunch that using some variant of the word shimmer might be neat. The Gifted Bride also seems to evoke a bit of mystery & could have the implications subverted--but I don't know where the story is going or what your intentions are, so I can't really say. [3] As for specifics, I'll email you a document with my line-by-line thoughts since I feel I had too many to put here. [4] As far as I know, the protag had an ambiguous gender, though I assumed they were a girl. Given their unnamed status, I'm going to assume that's intentional & in a way, it reminds me of the Mass Effect comics where they had to be vague about Sheperd's gender since they didn't know what the reader had picked in the games. [5] I realize I never felt like I was overloaded with too much info, which I feel I'm prone to do in my own writing. Rather, I was always left wanting more, which I think worked most of the time here, so congrats on that! [6] I think this is fantastic as there's an interesting character in a role they don't quite fit in a unique setting. This sounds like it's close to what Sanderson recommends in his lectures--highly recommended for their educational/entertainment value if you haven't seen them! [7] e.g., Person A might be offended if B points out a self-destructive habit, so B keeps quiet--even if it would have been better for them to inform A of their peril. (Personally, I call this toxic kindness, not sure what others label it as.) [8] e.g. Something like how certain meditation practices focus on evaluating thoughts/emotions and letting them go if they're not useful would be really handy in this world.

Overall, I like this & the premise but feel a bit confused on a couple of aspects. I can't put my finger on it, but I feel as if something is missing at the moment. I've seen a few Isekai (another world) shows, so I don't think it's the genre itself & abstractly, I love the idea of examining someone's return to such a place! This is conjecture, but perhaps it's the lack of impact when A returns. Yes, the plot developments are exciting (e.g., a new traveler & an old acquaintance), but the buildup from A's drab view of earth to leads me to expect something grand in the other world. Fields and castles just doesn't seem to do the place justice or live up to what I'd been expecting. (Or is that the intent? Is A viewing the fae world through rose tinted glasses?) Maybe a bit more fanfare or fantastical imagery at that moment would further drive the plot developments home[0]. More confusingly, the more I read and think about it, the more I'm confused about how time works. (This could just be me & my initial, faulty assumptions!) Fae time certainly seems to flow faster, but it's unclear if that's always the case[1]. I think some info on how old A was when they left earth and returned would make it clearer if my current conjecture on 16 earth years being approximately 300 fae years is correct. (The math passages seems to indicate that's so.) I suppose the source of my confusion is on how much earth time passed when A came back to earth[2]. Initially, I thought A was 17 when they left earth, but my current understanding is that A was 17 when they left the fae realm. (Apologies for my confusing ramblings.) p1 las stretch last stretch p1 Confused but intrigued about how railroads fit in (I think this is where I subconsciously though A came from an era long ago[4]). p2 Stolen him from a year ago. I think I understand, but this sentence seems confusing to me. p2 Did the dog have a name? p3 Or maybe it just doesn't like bikes. Pronouns seem to be changing for the dog. On p2 it was he, now it's it (towards the bottom the dog is he again). Also, A's saying this, right? If so, shouldn't it be on the same line as the prior statement? p3 Eyes & ears. Perhaps it's down to my unfamiliarity with the relevant tropes, but while I imagine the ears are pointy, how are the eyes different? Part of me yearns for a brief thought on the differences so I can learn more about the world. p3 fever dream I'm personally curious what other methods A tried to establish that their time in the fae world was real and that they're not delusional[3]. p4 thought weren't glad to be thought they weren't glad to be p4 Curious how fae food compares to the earthly variety. p4 far to humid air far too humid air p4 but it couldn't have been more than ten minutes passed by the time they burst on the basketball court, remove passed? p4 no-kids non-kids? p5 Curious if A will confront the ones who seemed to have coerced them into the fae realm. p5 Fields and castles Do these look like standard European castles? Or are the crops and architecture different? (My mental image seems a bit mundane for this fantastical place.) p5 Because the kid closets to her let go. closest p5 sneeze conjuring pollen IDK, but the wording seems a bit awkward p6 We've not seen fae eyes, but I'm still not sure how they differ from the human variety. p6 His fingers trailed up to the crows feet at her eyes. Pronouns seem to have shifted. p7 I didn't realize how much time had passed her. here p7/8 Caylee or Caliee (Perhaps the Y variant would be more distinctive from B's name?) p9 Curious to see how the ball, A's attended before will be different now that they're an adult & what other experiences will be contrasted between the first visit, A's second visit & C's first visit as well. p9 Hm... the humans are named A, B, & C--clever! [0] IDK, my analysis could be completely wrong & I know how hard it can be to strike a balance between overdoing detail at a critical moment and ending up with something too sparse. If you feel this is an actual issue with that moment, I hope you find something you're satisfied with--else, feel free to ignore this and anything else that doesn't match your vision! [1] Seems interesting if it's not always that way. [2] The railroad bit earlier in the story made me think A came from the 1800s or 1900s, which, while that'd be neat, I'm not sure about that and no longer think it's the case. [3] Just a personal curiosity, but it seems like it might compliment the idea of someone returning to another place--so I've thrown it in (in case it helps). [4] Could just be down to the fact that this part/chapter reminds me a bit of the short story The Third Level by Jack Finney.

Hi, everyone! Thanks for reading! Feel free to share whatever came to mind & in particular: What's cool/interesting Immersion breakers (e.g., didn't: believe, care, or understand) Feel free to share your thoughts on what promises you think are being set up. And if you've read the old version, is this draft a step forward or backward? Thanks for reading & sharing your thoughts--I appreciate it & hope you're having an excellent day!

If possible, I'd like a slot this Monday--hoping to see if I'm on the right track in implementing everyone's feedback!

Overall, I enjoyed the concept and the way the extraordinary and the mundane were shown (i.e., supernatural stuff & house hunting). That said, I feel there are two main issues holding the story back from its full potential: balance & tension. Balance A wise person once told me the balance felt off in a story of mine and that really clicked for me & got me thinking. While reading, I felt as if there were a similar issue at play here & thus can do no better than offer the advice of another on that front For me personally, my favorite aspects of this tale were examining the needs of werewolves in a home & also the mention of supernatural issues (i.e., Gotta ghost? Get a medium). However, only the second house had a supernatural issue. So the only time the extraordinary seems to surface is: at the beginning when the Fae real estate agent & the werewolves are introduced. And then once more in the second house when hauntings are mentioned. [Edit: Tarot Cards were also mentioned in one of the later houses--so 4 supernatural-ish points in total] And as @Mandamonmentioned, the particular needs of the werewolves don't feel specific to them[0]. So for me, whenever their needs were brought up, though I liked the exploration of the issue, it felt like more mundanity--which threw off the balance. Given that I feel that where these two parts intersect is where the story really shines, I'd like to see more of these topics explored[1]. Tension On the first page, we're told the couple has till Monday & then on the second, we find that the real estate agent is also under the gun to make a sale before the clients' budget shrinks. But there's no real reaction to the clock ticking down other than at the end when they made it in time--it doesn't feel like there's much worry as we haven't been reacting to the passing time & they're not biting their nails while waiting for the agent's call. Also, the agent doesn't seem to have much of a problem. We're told they need to make the sale before their client's budget shrinks, but do they really need a good commission? Sure, more money is nice, but unless there's a specific pressure the agent's facing[[2], it feels like a bit of a flat arc. Now, all that's just my personal take & I know that there's limited space to explore stuff in a short story. So as far as my many suggestions go, I recommend following Bruce Lee's advice: Absorb what is useful. Reject what is useless. Add what is essentially your own. Hope some of that helps! As for your specific questions: I feel the two POVs work & I enjoy them as the agent's allows us to explore the house hunting issue from another angle--plus her insight into the Kelpie friend gives us an underdeveloped glimpse into a seller's mentality. I think with a bit more tension & movement on an arc & this POV is golden. I don't feel it ends too abruptly, but I think that more markers of reacting to time progression will give the current ending more weight. Guess I answered that above. As for page-by-page thoughts: p2 outbid, I enjoy that this seems to mirror current market conditions. p2 Hindsight makes it feel that way. makes -> made p2 I love the exploration of issues werewolf dog owners face. p3 S's ancestry makes them well suited for the job. p6 She had a feeling & Shannon supposed she would find out. Wrong pronouns? p10 Dual agent ethics... I think this is generally frowned upon but can certainly work in some circumstances. Does S feel that this is one of those cases, or is this a compromise of necessity? To wrap up & reiterate, I think this is brimming with promise & that there's room to further lean into more of the premise's strengths! Have a fantastic weekend! [0] e.g., they don't need some sort of shelter to bunker down in during a full moon a la The Prisoner of Azkaban. [1] e.g., supernatural status put restrictions on what kind of house they could buy--what sort of restrictions? And does this push antagonistic groups into the same neighborhoods? (i.e., Do werewolves get along with vampire neighbors due to a shared plight, or are they still at odds?) [2] e.g., too many low commissions on first-time clients really piled up & put them behind on rent, or they need a bit more to invest in a house in this market to not miss out.

Overall, I enjoyed the story, particularly the setting[1] & premise! As for what seems to be missing, I think more build-up to the current resolution would make it feel more complete. As for how to go about that, here are the ramblings of a random guy on the internet[2]: First off, death seems like an obvious but unsatisfying[3] way to add finality. Admittedly, it seems a bit ambiguous if there was enough time to react/survive a flock of those things flying at them. But on a serious note, while reading, I felt as if G was looking for just one glimpse or a brief trip to the past before she could move on from her research and settle down into married life[4]. Almost like the One Last Job trope. It was as if she were looking for closure on this chapter of her life. To that end, I think an elaboration of such a yearning could build up to a final part: a sigh of relief that she'd made it or a was a piece, if you will--or rather, something to that effect, emotion-wise. I feel like making her goal be to just see the creatures soar or something could tie into the current ending and the bike, with just a few tweaks. I hope something in there helps & I look forward to whatever direction you take in a future draft! And finally, here were the things that most stuck out to me: p1 Hostile protest seems redundant with raging in the same line, but that could be a personal take. p1 To me, break through seems odd as two words[5]. p7 The bank's assistant vice president's office, feels like a bit of a mouthful. p8 Dozen gaurs spelling mistake (admittedly an early draft, like you said). p9 I like how the bike parallels the reveal of the flying creatures--seems thematic! Looking at the gap between pages 1-7, I think I started flying through the story after the conversation with the officer on p3. As mentioned prior, I loved the story and think there's potential. Also, I'd be more than willing to give more detailed feedback on a future version. Till then, please enjoy the rest of your day! [1] For me, it seemed like a fun, anachronistic take on the Victorian era with a contemporary twist. [2] My goal was to stay true to the current version of the story without going in a different direction (i.e., the fewest changes). Please ignore anything unhelpful, especially if my interpretation of G's character doesn't feel right! My hope is that there's a grain of something in this outside perspective that'll inspire a solution you're satisfied with--or at least rule out unsatisfying dead ends! [3] Given the current ending. [4] Since she didn't seem to object entirely to the idea--as if she were coming to terms with her future and wanted one last heist or a night on the town, etc., before going back to/continuing a normal life. [5] Huh, Google seems to list the one-word variant as more common at 278 million results vs. 32.6 million.