That1Cellist

You know what? I don't know if I have a personality.

Either that or I am quite normal. You know it's bad when one of your defining personality traits is the instrument you play. Shockingly normal. I'm trying to decide if I wish I was more odd. I'm just a normal, socially awkward person. I just adopt the personality of people around me. Maybe. I don't know. I'm very confused.

Happy birthday! I hope you're doing well.

Has anyone else here ever realized the emotional pain they've set themselves up for?

I love my friends so much. They mean so, so very much to me.

However, I avoided having friends for years. This was because they kept moving away or something else that put them out of contact with me. I mentally could not handle it, so I just didn't make friends. 

Now, though, I have the best friends I've ever had. I love them so much. I can't English it into existence properly. I know that I won't be able to have them forever. We will grow up further, move away, change from what we are now. I might not be in contact with them anymore. They might go away. I might never, ever see or speak to them ever again. These wonderful, wonderful people might just... go away. Gone. At the same time, I wouldn't go back for anything in the world. If I had the chance to go back and not meet my friends, I would not take it. Here are some of my favorite Cosmere quotes that go with this.

“Why do we fight, Kal? Why do we keep going?” “I don’t know,” Kaladin whispered. “I’ve forgotten.” “It’s so we can be with each other.” “They all die, Tien. Everyone dies.” “So they do, don’t they?” “That means it doesn’t matter,” Kaladin said. “None of it matters.” “See, that’s the wrong way of looking at it.” Tien held him tighter. “Since we all go to the same place in the end, the moments we spent with each other are the only things that do matter. The times we helped each other.”

― Rhythm of War

I love this quote. I can't understand it though. I can try, but I can't get there. It hurts so much just thinking about this inevitability. Here is another one that I adore.

“Yes, I keep the flower,” Kelsier said. “I’m not really sure why. But…do you stop loving someone just because they betray you? I don’t think so. That’s what makes the betrayal hurt so much—pain, frustration, anger…and I still loved her. I still do.”

― Kelsier, Mistborn Trilogy

In this quote, I am not thinking of my friends betraying me, but of them leaving. With the inevitability that I lose these people comes another awful thought. I might have to meet new people. They won't be these friends I have now, who are so dear to me. I will have to be new bonds. That will hurt. I will be torn apart inside thinking about my old friends. Then I will lose the new friends too, and move on. It will be an awful cycle.

Do you know what scares me even more than that? The thought that I might forget about my friends. Over time, my memories of them will degrade. What if one day, in the future, I don't remember them at all? Or, even worse, what if I look back and don't feel sad anymore? What if I feel distant and disconnected from them, as if it were another lifetime?

What if I stop caring?

Sorry for the long SU, fellow humans.

Wow!

I just realized that there are a LOT of birthdays today.