Damn... I really don't know what to say. I've no advice, but I really like you. You seem like a really nice, thoughtful person and I hope you can get to a point where you enjoy life again. Kindly stay away from that bottle, it would be a real shame if you were to do something stupid.
If it helps, you're not the only one here who's struggled with thoughts like this. I have a few times too, the worst was about a year ago. It really does get better.