Moonsilver

Hey y'all, this is chapter 1 of the first draft of my first fantasy novel, Dreams of Devils. It's rough so let me know where it's in need of polishing. Questions: 1. What do you think of Nimos? Is he a character you can ride with? 2. Does the world-building get info-dumpy at any point? 3. Is there anything you feel the chapter is lacking?

Omg, I just saw that y'all said to go ahead and post this week on Monday Oopsie. I figured I was posting this Monday, so if I can, I'll still go ahead and do that.

Thanks

Hey, can I submit Monday as well? Without getting too much into it, we had a family emergency earlier this week that turned into a loss and I've been out of town settling some family affairs. I figured I'd just wait to submit until the next Monday.

Apologies, I got held up at work and had a bit of a crazy day. I will email the chapter and get a topic up by this evening.

1) Any boring bits or bits that don’t make sense? Most of chapter 7 where C is concerned with getting good grades and ignoring everything else was somewhat frustrating and boring to me. V was making some cogent points, that I wanted C to address, but she just tried to ignore them and focus on homework. I think that C spends way too long to realize that GM tricked her and that getting good grades isn't going to do anything. 2) Do C and V’s character arcs track? As it is, I don't see much of an arc between the two of them, particularly V. He feels like he's been absent a lot lately, and quite a bit more passive than when he was introduced. There's has been more with C, but at the same time, she has frustratingly maintained her dense naivety. 3) Does the info about the WS in chapter 8 feel satisfying? Was it too easy to guess, or did it come out of nowhere? Are you interested in the mysteries still to be uncovered? It wasn't particularly satisfying, since I had figured that out many chapters ago. It was very easy to guess. I am interested to see what's going on with the WS, but the intrigue is starting to sour. I want some more meat about the WS. I want to know about the plane. I want to know what the deal is with C, was she created in the WS? I want more juicy WS bits. As I go- (Chapter 7) pg 1 - It seemed like "Consumption and Conservation" was going to be an important book, but from how C describes it, it's about rich people arguing about money and getting married. This may be a red herring from C's POV, as it feels like it might be actually about the town of C. I also find it interesting that Consumption and Conservation both start with "Con", as does the protagonist/town name. I still feel like the book is important, and possibly about the town and its people. Especially when we get the line, "the book's approach to responsibility." We've already seen the word "responsibility" used in reference to the WS. pg 2 - Her brain wants to focus on how much she misses MD. Does she really? They didn't seem to have a close connection, and she's only had him for a couple of days. Perhaps it's because she was his creator. - "Instead of building up and up until it spills over, the buzzing energy inside her seems to have vanished." I still want to know what the deal is with this. Is it magic, is it a metaphor for a mental health problem, is it a physical ailment? - It feels like C is ignoring all the interesting questions that have been posed lately, and is instead trying to drag reader down the path of boredom she has selected for herself in her quest to become good at schoolwork, even though she knows that GM was lying about the grades thing. pg 3 - "I have completed an aerial circuit of the town." Just now? Isn't the town quite small? I feel like V did this the first day he was there. What has he been doing with his time if he's just now completed an aerial circuit of the town? - "And your house is at the origin-that is, the dead centre-of the circle!" Mmhmm, around the house with the stove, which is definitely cursed. Makes sense. - "Are you still working on that essay? This is getting silly." Agreed, V. Very much agreed. We saw through GM from the beginning. Why is C still committed to getting good grades? - "We still haven't finished investigating the plane!" Yassssss. We need to get back to that, please. I want to know what's going on with that so badly. pg 4 - "...on a single-minded mission to do whatever it is that teachers do in the staff room." I feel like I've already read this line from you much earlier in the novel. pg 5 - "She sees a nasty bully, laughing at other people's trust." Geez, finally C. Been waiting so long for C to realize this about GM. You can only be so naive until it begins to cross over into stupidity. And we know that C isn't stupid. pg 6 - "A hungry, smouldering elephant in the room." This is an excellent line. I love it. pg 7 - "So MD can't understand most language, other than his name, but he can recognize the phrase, "WS?" Chapter 8 pg 1 - "This jumper is a metaphor, isn't it?" Haha, I love this. pg 2 - "If you keep trying to find out more, you will not be permitted to live in town any longer." Oh wow. What would they do, just exile her? - "I think the WS can burn anything. Not just objects, but concepts too...You don't gain or lose anything, but it all gets shuffled around." Hmm interesting that C has figured out this much. pg 3 - "It can't quite burn anything." Wow. Mr Sta folded rather quickly. - "Since before before." Haha, this is amusing, but also intriguing. - "...and to clean up or take care of any unwanted products." Is he talking about V or MD, or is he possibly talking about C? Hmm.

I really like this, where the car is able to sympathize with the man, despite the radically different POV. I'm glad you like this idea, I think it's a fun manageable way for us to practice writing throughout our busy lives and to find some enjoyment in a small project that we can complete quickly.

Everything is better with David Tennant, he's like ice cream

Kate Reading and Michael Kramer right?

Are y'all doing an audiobook?

Can I have a slot for next Monday please?

Wow, congratulations y'all! That's so cool.

This week's writing prompt: Write a scene from the perspective of an inanimate object that has magically been given sentience.

"You let grandfather pick my swimming instructor?" Andyn's voice went up in pitch with each successive word. The lanky, mop-headed youth peeled his tunic off in one quick motion and hurled it backward into the King's face, as he strode through the castle halls. King Ondyn followed and caught the tunic, folding it into a neat square without missing a beat. "What's wrong with my father?" he mocked, failing to disguise the amusement in his voice. Andyn stopped in front of the door that led to the pools and turned around, holding up a hand between them that he clenched into a fist and shook. "This isn't funny, father. I can tell when you're trying not to laugh. You know perfectly well what's wrong with grandfather. He hired an assassin to kill me on my birthday!" The king let out a strained chuckle, coughing to cover it up. "It wouldn't have been a killing blow, just a little lesson in the dangers of complacency." Andyn stared at his father. The muscles in his jaw bunched. "Sometimes I think you're just as bad as him." The king help up a hand. "Hey now, no need to get nasty. I'd estimate that I'm about half as bad, actually." The prince turned and pushed heavily on the door. It creaked as it swung open on rusted hinges. "It's just swimming, right? How bad can it be?" A shining, suckered tentacle snaked around Andyn's waist and yanked him into the pool in the center of the room. His shout of surprise was transformed into a dull gurgling. King Ondwyn crossed his arms and grinned as he watched the prince wrestle with the creature in the pool, periodically snarling curses in his direction. "You're just going to tire yourself out like that," he called in a calm voice. "Use your legs, Andyn, swim with your legs. Attaboy!"

Haha! Yes, I love it!

This is Prompting Excuses, where your answers are 1 paragraph long, because our lives are in a hurry, and we're trying to get prompter. Alright Prompters, so the concept is that I'll provide a weekly writing prompt, and if you're interested, you will write a paragraph response in this thread within that week, and others will be able to comment on and critique that paragraph. This is meant to be a creative excercise to help us sharpen our writing chops in a meaningful and concise format. There is no pressure on this, it's more of a casual thing you can pop in and out of when life allows. Participate if and when you can, that's cool. If you would like to suggest or recommend the next weekly prompt, just post it in this thread or DM me and we'll add it to the list of potential prompts. I know it's the middle of the week, but I think we can manage a prompt within that timeframe. Let's say the week starts over on Mondays going forward. If you can't get something done within the week's prompt, that's fine, you'll get another opportunity next week. This week's writing prompt: Write a scene involving a student and their unconventional mentor. (not a wise, old wizard)

Have y'all ever had a thread for writing prompts and responses? I was just thinking it would be fun to have a daily writing prompt, or weekly writing prompt, with something like a paragraph in length answer that everyone just responds with and comments on in the same thread. I would be willing to organize it if there was interest in doing it. I think it'd be cool for the community to have micro writing excercises like that just to sharpen our talent and come up with ideas, but in a way that only takes maybe 5 or 10 minutes out of our day.

Questions: 1) NA 2) Any boring bits? No, not particularly. There was plenty of conflict in this chapter. 3) Does MD’s POV work? Does the voice sound about right, or does it sound off? I enjoyed the MD POV, and it was useful in that it allowed us to see into the bedroom and the 4 cradles, which I feel is important. The only problem I had was him planning to do laundry, which suggests much higher than doggy intelligence. 4) Does C and T’s conversation work? Is it believable? Is it clear where T is coming from? Yes, this conversation works. In fact, I actually find myself siding with T. I feel like C just forgot about her and was really wondering when we were going to come back to T, after that great T POV scene earlier in the novel. As I go- pg 1, -It's interesting to get a POV from MD. -"There's old food packaging...yellow with human skin grease." Great concrete setting details that set the tone. pg 2, "...four tiny beds--cradles--surrounding the bigger bed. Their sheets and blankets are thick with dust." Very interesting. This makes me remember the 4 chairs at the table. So the Boneyards raised 4 children? I wonder if this is a coincidence to the 4 children in town. -When MD thinks that there's nothing to do but put the bedding into the washing machine, it's a little jarring. Is MD supposed to be that intelligent? He doesn't seem like he's all that smart, but taking sheets off a bed and putting them into the washing machine is very advanced thinking. -When V intercepts S and speaks to her, it seems like C's confidence and agency is backsliding a bit as she let's V handle the conflict for her. pg 3, -"Nobody wanted their money used to solve other people's pets' problems. C vaguely remembers a rumor that it burned down." This seems to be a theme, things burning down. Probably related to the wood stove. This statement causes me to think. How does money work in this town anyways? Is the bank like a pantry, does it just replicate money? The economy in a town where things just replicate on their own or are created magically seems problematic, but also intriguing. I'm curious what money would be needed for in a town where no one leaves, there's plenty of abandoned houses to live in, and supplies breed themselves. pg 4, -"Tell that mother of yours I'm not interested in cleaning up her messes, kid." Hmm, this is a strange statement. Is he implying that MD is a mess that was created by S? For all we know, C is the one that made MD in her experimentation. I wonder why J assumes that it's S who is responsible. -"Perhaps C should have led with MD's mopping skills." Very amusing, I chuckled. -"That's more important than the rules." I thought that C decided to follow the rules in the last chapter. This statement seems quite at odds with that. pg 5, -"There's a plane in my barn, remember?" This is something that had been bothering me. I was wondering if we were going to return to the plane, since there was the whole cliffhanger scene of T seeing inside of it. I know that T says that C is her best friend, but it feels like C has been completely ignoring T, and that was before GM "tricked" C into trying to get good grades. -"She has a horrible feeling that she's saying all the wrong words, and she doesn't know the right ones." This is a very self aware moment for C, good characterization. pg 7, -Ah, I see that GM has been talking to T, telling her the secrets of the stove. Very manipulative indeed to make it seem that C wasn't telling her best friend everything she knew. pg 8, -What I don't understand, however, is how T knows about MD, and that C made him. Does she just put that together immediately after seeing him? -"How else would T know that MD has been made, rather than found?" That's a good question. pg 9, -E seems like a very innocent, truly boyish character. He's written very believably.

Questions: 1) Points of engagement? I feel like the beginning and the middle of the chapter were much more engaging than the last few pages. 2) Any bits that were confusing or didn’t make sense? Mainly C's behavior. It's like she shuffles back and forth from extremely gullible naivety and clever confidence. Though it was partially explained away, I don't buy that V flat out told C what was happening regarding the grades thing, and she decided to knowingly swallow GM's bait, knowing that it was bait. It's like a character looking at a cup of wine and thinking to themselves, "this is probably poisoned," but then drinking it anyways. 3) Reactions to GM? While GM has long since seemed to be a bit of a caricature and two dimensional antagonist, her POV part was extremely enlightening and finally allowed me to get some insight into who she is and why. In fact, I feel like her voice and character are much stronger than C's right now. As I go- pg 1, -"As soon as the shop opens," I think it would root us better in the setting if you replaced "shop" with "Sunbowl General Store" in this opening line. pg 2, -"From the storage room," C says, not sure what he's getting at." Okay, so it's apparently normal for food to replicate in pantries and storage rooms. I mean, it makes sense since there's no way for the town to get more supplies. Is this part of the magic of the stove somehow? It's very eerie to see things like this that C doesn't regard as out of place. It creates some distance between me and the character. pg 3, -"The floor sparkles wherever he treads." This is a delightful line. -I like the bit where C realizes how dirty the house is when she sees it cleaned. It gives a sense of her gaining clarity and understanding of her surroundings. pg 4, -I like that C is demonstrating agency and being more active in her investigation. -I can't tell if GM actually did make the earrings or not. It seems like she didn't. I'm not sure if this important. pg 5, -When C is wondering if her parents know about the magic of the stove, I feel like this is already something that she has figured out earlier, so it's confusing to see her wondering about it again. -"'I'm sorry to bother you," C says, a little surprised at herself.'" C is definitely growing to become much more bold and confident. -"You've never sacrificed anything of your own." This is interesting, so a sacrifice must be made to the stove as the cost of the magic. I assume this has something to do with GM's appearance after she burns her hair. pg 6, -Okay, so C remembers the chickens dying, but doesn't remember the dog. She burned the feathers, but the neighbor went off with the dog, so it didn't get burnt in the stove. So why can she remember the chickens and not the dog? Is it because a new dog was made, and new chickens weren't made? -GM seems to be fairly two-dimensional in her general haughtiness and bad attitude. I don't know if she's supposed to be an empathetic character, but it makes her flat. It would be nice to see a different side of her. pg 7, -"She's not my friend," GM snaps. I like how following this statement, we see GM explain that she is jealous of C, and that is the root of her animosity towards her. This is adding some more depth to the character in light of the sacrifice she made to the stove. pg 8, -"A part of her knows that she's being petty." Good characterization here. -"If she must burn, GM will burn brightly." Excellent characterization. GM is becoming very interesting to me now. Great job. -"GM takes her time to think up a good plan. If C insists on playing detective, then what GM needs to do is throw her off the trail." I don't understand why GM would be concerned about C finding out more about the stove. Is it a threat to her? Is it simply out of spite for not wanting her to know things? pg 10, -"'Don't underestimate me.' There's a click and a flat tone as C hangs up." While I liked the addition of this line, which showed C having a spine, it seemed at odds with everything else she said in the conversation. It's like she's a simpering doormat to GM during the entire call, but then changes abruptly at the end and says something confidently. I feel like we need to see more of this attitude reflected in C's dialogue and interaction with GM, instead of subservience with intermittent bursts of defiance. -"And while she's busy, the way will be clear for GM to win over the others, starting with T." I see, so GM's motivation is to be the leader of the friend group. This seems somewhat at odds with the fact that her, T, and E already sit together in school, separately from C, often snickering and talking about her. We're told by T that C is her best friend, but C's actions in the story make it seem like she isn't very concerned with T. -"C is not blindly trusting as GM seems to think." Really? Interesting, go on. pg 11, -"'I don't think that's her plan, hatchling. She's lying about the grades. There are no secrets to be had by getting perfect scores.' 'What? Why would she lie about that?" Nooooo. I thought C was growing, becoming less naive and gullible, she just told us that she was onto GM! V spells it out for her and she doesn't believe him? -"That would be giving up on her. And being a good friend means never giving up on someone." Ok, so I understand that C is supposed to be an idealist, wanting to see the good in others. But at the same time, it seemed like she was becoming less naive and realizing that GM was trying to lie to and manipulate her. It's like 2 steps forward, 1 step back. pg 12, -"He's not from the town of C. He doesn't understand that, when the people around you are the only people that will ever matter, you need to play by the rules and avoid treading on toes." This is at odds with how C is depicted in the opening scene of the novel. C was flaunting and baiting the curse to prove that it was real, going where it's forbidden. How is that playing by the rules and avoiding treading on toes? -"C's experiments with bending the rules have already resulted in acting a curse...," ah okay, I see. So this is a new resolution for C. She's going to start following the rules now. -Is there something important about the book, "Consumption and Conservation" that C has to read? It seems like it has been mentioned a lot, and the title implies something along the lines of the curse or the stove possibly. It might be interesting to have a scene where C is reading a few lines from the book.

Overall: I liked that there was a sense of symmetry in this chapter. The loss and death, and the frost on the grass in the beginning. And then we have birth, fire, and warmth in the ending. It's a nice dichotomy. I feel like this chapter was significantly more interesting. Things happened, and C specifically made them happen. Questions: 1) Do the characters and their actions make sense? I definitely had some questions about C in this chapter. I thought it was strange of her to so easily process the chickens after the previous violence and blood. I also thought it was odd when she called Ch "daddy", since I hadn't really seen much of a parent/child relationship so far. I suppose that S's actions make sense, if she is as cold and cruel as he is made out to be. I just didn't realize that S was like that until now. It seemed to come out of nowhere. In terms of V, he seemed to take a very passive role in this chapter, sleeping in the background for much of it. 2) Do you feel that the plot is moving at an OK pace? The plot has been pretty slow, but a lot seemed to happen in this chapter, and it feels like the pacing might be increasing. 3) At the end of the chapter, do you feel like you’re starting to have an idea of what’s going on with the Wood Stove? Maybe. It sees like it's performing some sort of alchemy. Like raw materials are needed, as well as thoughts or intentions, to cause something to be born of the ashes? I don't know how that works with the plane in the barn though. V wasn't born in the stove either. I guess just the ashes are needed to actually create something, when they're poured onto something? As I go- pg 1, -"The sun is low and the grass is still crunchy with frost-," great concrete setting details. I want more of this, but describe the town, the buildings, the roads. -"If there's something else like him in the vegetable patch-," oh this is an interesting consideration. pg 2, -C's initial reaction to J is the most authentic reaction I've felt from her yet. However, I found that while she cried, she also calmly contemplated. I don't know how much I bought her "noisy tears". -"...V swoops from the house, transforms mid-flight, and crouches gracefully next to C and J. Her father rolls into the garden-," Avengers assemble! It's a funny dichotomy to have grief over death, and dad rolling around at the same time. Good comic relief. -"C watches her father try to square off against the neighbor. It is a futile attempt." This is absolutely hilarious and very witty. I don't know if you need to explain the joke and add the sentence after that. -"C gives J a last reassuring pat on the head," a last pat? Foreshadowing? pg 3, -"The men won't have any words to say that C hasn't already heard, but she isn't supposed to get in the way of their posturing," this is interesting to see a more mature side of C where she is commenting on gender politics. -"V is hovering--the human kind of hovering, not the bird kind--," this is also quite amusing, though once again, it does defuse the tension and grief of C's sniffling. -"...a dressing gown draped over her bones." Okay, so, C's dad is a ball person, and S is a skeleton person? C doesn't think this is that weird? How could anyone not know there is a curse just from how C's parents look? -"There you go," her mother turns. There is a revolver in her hand. "No chickens, no dog. Now you boys can leave off your whingeing." Oh wow, didn't expect it to quite go that way. pg 4, -"C processes," this felt cold and mechanical, I was expecting a more visceral reaction from C when J gets shot. -"Things die, her mother says, tucking the revolver back into her dressing gown. "I don't need you two idiots making a song and dance about it before breakfast." Just, wow. Speaking of cold. This is so brutal, and at the same time, insulting to the men. S demonstrates a chilling regard for life and death here. Very intriguing, I wonder what's going on with S. -"She curls into a ball on the doorstep and starts crying in earnest," I suppose this is like a delayed response where C was in shock. It makes C seem less cold, which is good. -"C isn't sure whether that would be okay either, so she cries harder." I love this, it felt very authentic. -"He doesn't remember much from before C found him in the vegetable garden. How did he get there?" This is interesting to me, if V starts thinking about his own existence and origins. pg 5, -"Eventually C stops crying on her own. It feels like failure." Strong characterization of V. -It's odd to me that neither of the parents helps C clean up the dead chickens. While she seems disconnected from them, her parents also seem disconnected from her. -"She's so tired of waiting and watching things happen around her. C doesn't want to be a helpless bystander anymore. It's not enough just to skulk around the periphery, wondering about planes and crying over pets. She needs more control She should be the one doing things." This is good. Strong characterization of C. We want to see C do things too! pg 6, -Why does V know how to process a chicken, and why does C, whose family owns chickens, not know? -I would think that after seeing the violence of the dog and chickens, that C would have some issue with processing the chickens, and was surprised that she had no issues. Once again, it seems like cold behavior. pg 7, -"I think the adults are covering something up. it's got something to do with the wood stove." Yes, thank you. I feel like C should have come to this realization much earlier. -"When two strange things are happening in the same place and at the same time, there's a good chance they are connected somehow. What do you propose to do about it?" Okay, so, it's good that V is transferring agency to C, but at the same time, isn't it his goal to be the hero and save her from this curse? I feel like V has become too passive. -"I'm going to burn some things in the wood stove." Yes, do it. -"She find what she is looking for among a pile of sledgehammers, shovels, and pickaxes." What does Ch do with those tools? -"The feeling builds up and up as life continues to pile into her brain, until she has to let it out. It's like the need to right herself fizzes in her muscles." Interesting, what does she mean by "right herself" pg 8, -"She peers around, checking that nobody is watching. She gets told off if her parents see her do what she's about to do. They say it's weird." I'm curious what C does in private because her ball dad and skeleton mom say it's "weird". -"She doesn't know how it works technically, but it feels like pulling out the twitchy feelings and sloshing thoughts from her brain, taking them apart, and putting the pieces back again in a. more sensible order. Doing it involves moving around a lot, but beyond that, she doesn't know what it looks like when she lets the pent up energy spill out of her." Well, that is very vague. What is happening here? -"It's not magic. It's not anything to do with the curse. C wouldn't be able to explain how she knows that...but C knows with unshakeable certainty that this is her thing." Very weird. It's odd to be seeing this from the character in chapter 4, it seems like it's something that would have been established earlier, whatever it is. pg 9, -"It's like when C is walking along the side of the road, and accidentally steps off the curb." This part is great concrete description. Also, the wood stove being magical is definitely confirmed. Also it's a Tardis. -"Daddy," C says, "I think that the wood stove is magic." I agree, also, it's odd to see C calling Ch "daddy" here, when she hasn't really called him "dad" or "daddy" up to now. -"One of these days, you'll learn something you can't unlearn, if you catch my drift." Uh, what? That almost sounds like a threat, but I suppose it's more of a warning. Still, very dark. I wonder what Ch is hiding and not telling C in this scene. pg 10, -Interesting. It seems that the feathers and mop have somehow turned into a mop dog? I assume because C was thinking about the dog when she burned the stuff? It's cute though, I like its squelch walk. pg 11, -Oh, he's like a Roomba and cleans where he goes, that's a nice benefit. Hi mopdog.

Overall: Some interesting things were found in this chapter, but at the same time, not much actually happened. I'm still looking for some more tension, and some more answers to all the questions that are being raised. The POV switch to T was kind of jarring, but then I found that her voice and thoughts made the most sense to me out of any of the characters. I feel like I should be resonating more with the protagonist than her, though. Do the characters make sense? C is still an odd duck. And I don't understand why she doesn't sit with her friends at school. That sticks out as very odd to me. I'm not sure what's up with GM, but she does seem to know more than the rest of the kids. Particularly since she interacted with the stove and didn't explain to C why. V is very strange to me as well, other than the fact that he's a green plant boy that turns into a raven. He seems to have all of this knowledge and experience, and be aware of things outside the town, but then again, it seems like he's evading questions and hiding something. T is the only character that I'm actually resonating with in this chapter, in her POV part later on. She's having the emotions and asking the questions that I'm expecting to come from C. Any tone issues? I feel like the tone is consistent, there's definitely creepy and weird things happening, and there is definitely a sense of hiding information and distrust among the children and adults. As I go- pg 2, -"They are strikingly beautiful, yet tasteful an understated. C wonders briefly whether these might be imitations, but they're too diamond-y not to be real diamonds. They must be incredibly expensive." The way this scene is worded makes me wonder about C's age. I feel like the description of the diamonds is one I would see from a woman, not a child. -"Maybe C needs to expand her thinking. The shine of those jewels is...unearthly. Could they be unnatural?" It seems odd to me that of all the weird things so far, C thinks the shine of the diamonds is an example of the curse at work. -"Diamonds aren't things that appear naturally, like food or petrol." So it IS normal for food to appear. And petrol too? pg 3, -"...so she arrives with plenty of time to show V around the school grounds." They can't be very large, with only 4 kids, and such a small town, right? -"C hears whispers from behind her. T, E, and GM are sitting in the back row, as usual, while she sits alone in the front." Why does C sit alone, why don't her friends sit with her? pg 4, -"He is a man of great presence, with strong features, and a mouth like a singularity." This gave me a strange mental image of a man with a black hole where his mouth should be. -"Stuff! Plus oxygen! Goes to! Stuff oxide! Plus carbon dioxide! Plus! Anyone?" This is very confusing to me. pg 5, -It seems strange to me that despite the fact that these children are supposed to be young, and that Mr. S is not supposed to be qualified, he's teaching chemical formulas and equations. That is advanced enough to be high school and college age work. pg 6, -"I'm sure she wouldn't lie about something that costs that much." Are you? I feel like I know GM better than C does. -Why isn't GM surprised when the raven turns into V? She didn't see him turn into a bird the last evening. -"'I know a lot more than you do,' GM gets on her bike and rides off with he rose in the air." Good characterization, I believe her. pg 7, -"Neither of them seemed surprised when a green boy walked into their front room. If they hadn't acknowledged his presence, C might wonder if they could see him at all." I don't remember S acknowledging V's presence, or saying anything. In fact, she hasn't appeared since she excused herself in chapter 1. -"Have either of you hatchlings seen anything which might be related to the curse?" I find it a little odd that V has taken to calling the children "hatchlings" now. pg 8, -I thought the description of the CJ's property was really good, especially the tidbit about stray cats nesting in the cars. -"But instead of shriveling, he dissolved, the edges of his body blurring and mingling with his armchair." Wait, what? He's dissolving into his chair? Is no one concerned? pg 9, -"I drove the supplies for miles and miles, through the jungle." Interesting, is A talking about what the outside world was like before? I would have thought that C would latch onto this and ask about it in earnest. Instead, she asks about the jungle only to humor him. I supposed she is writing it off as a symptom of him being "muddled". -"Young fool pokes around, wrong place, wrong time--can destroy man. It's probably safer now, I suppose." It sounds like A is a veteran, talking about driving trucks through the jungle. The poking around causing destruction sounds like a reference to landmines. -"A has been telling these kinds of stories as long as C can remember. She used to assume they were made up, because of course A can't have been outside the town." Ah ok, I see why she isn't alarmed at A's words earlier. pg 10, -"I probably should have asked this earlier," C says to V as they walk, "but what is out there, beyond the cursed land?" "Oh, you know. The world." "Are there enormous jungles? Dangerous ons that people drive through in trucks?" "I imagine so. It's the whole world, hatchling." This definitely seems to depict V evading the question here with C. Just like he evaded the question about the timing of his arrival in the previous chapter. I'm not sure if it's intentional, but it's causing me not to want to trust V. pg 11, -It seems unlikely to me that the last time the 4 children tried to get into the barn, that none of them noticed the knotholes. -"This plane most certainly shouldn't be in this barn," V says. "You were right to bring me here." Why does V think this? How would he know? pg 12, -"This is a commercial aircraft," V murmurs to himself. "These are carefully monitored. They don't just turn up in somebody's barn." Once again, how does V know this, and why? -"C remembers the night before, when she found V sitting next to a heap of ashes from the wood stove, grey smudges clinging to his clothes. That morning, brushing ash from diamonds. Why would a plane be covered in ash?" That's a good question, interesting to see C starting to put things together. -If the barn was built around the plane, that's very intriguing. But at the same time, how would anyone build a barn around a plane without anyone else in the small town seeing it or noticing it? Who built the barn also? It must have been from before, I suppose, since A couldn't have built it. pg 13, -the POV shift to T was unexpected, I'm not sure how I feel about it. -the story about A insisting there's fuel under his chair and it having to be repaired was interesting and humorous. I'm not sure if he's actually senile, or if it's the curse, or if he's just remembering things from before that have changed. However, I'm curious how T took the chair apart, if A is dissolving into it. pg 14, -"Don't rely too much on C. She's a different kind of person than we are. One of these days, she won't be there lending you a hand." Well that's interesting. It definitely casts a creepy light on the teachers and makes me wonder more about C. -T wondering about C's weirdness and V showing up, and being suspicious is refreshing me as a reader. It's like I finally found someone that I can empathize with. Which is strange that it's T, and not C, our protagonist. -"Sometimes it feels like adults are keeping things from her. Looking down on her." These are thoughts I would have liked to see from C. pg 15, -"...sees that it is printed with the words 'God bless this house'." Wait, what? Like a welcome mat or something? I'm having flashbacks to Ch's joke about the house fire. Then again, how would you fit a whole house in a stove, or pull a plane out of the stove? It wouldn't fit inside the house that contains the stove. -"Upon seeing the interior of the plane, she surmises that it isn't." Gah, just when my interest is piqued about this plane, and it cuts away to the next scene.

Overall: I'm having issues with C. She doesn't seem to be concerned about most things, or react to them in believable ways. She feels very disconnected, like she's on drugs or something. I'm not sure if it's b/c you are trying to cast her as an unreliable narrator, or if she's just...strange? But then why is she thinking that everyone else is strange, when she is so strange herself? I still want to see more agency from C, I want to see her doing things, and talking to people, asking all those questions that are bubbling in her head. Specific questions: Is the pacing okay? I think that the pacing feels a bit slow because the tension in the scenes is lacking. Meeting V and bringing him back to the house was anticlimactic, and C didn't really press GM about what she did with the stove. Was it easy to follow? It was generally easy to follow, though I am left with a lot of questions. Do you understand where the story is going now? Kind of? It seems like there is something weird going on with the wood stove and the ashes. But V showing up and turning into a raven was very odd, as was Ch's nonchalance about him. The only one who seemed startled was GM, but then she didn't say anything, which I think was a missed opportunity. As I go: p 1, -GMGN, wow, what a name. I'm curious about the surnames in this town, they seem to have some sort of pattern or meaning. -"C tries to wave hello, but GM ignores her. C wonders if perhaps GM didn't notice." More characterization of C as being naive and gullible. Is this on purpose? -"Is she going for more of a punk-rebel look..." this brings me out of immersion a little and makes me wonder what time period this is set in. The wood stove is anachronistic compared to TV and concepts like punk. -"All she can see is her own curious face reflected in the glass." I like this line. -I thought it was strange that no one was interested in the sound outside and didn't say anything when C went out to investigate it. -When you say torch, I'm assuming that you mean a flashlight and not an actual torch. p 2, -"She isn't worried...The largest wild animal C has seen was a particularly chubby stray cat. Whatever's out there, it can't hurt her. Probably." I feel like this dampened a scene that could have had more tension, even with the "probably" that gets tagged on at the end. -"Her torch's beam," okay, it's a flashlight, got it. -"...her pumpkins. And one shape that isn't a pumpkin." I think this could be spookier if you describe the other shape, rather than saying it isn't a pumpkin. p 3, -I suppose that knowing what I know about C not reacting to things very much, I shouldn't be surprised that she didn't scream or show more fear or surprise at the green person sitting in her garden with vine hair. But I was looking for more of an immediate reaction from C at this, instead of her quiet, calm contemplation, just like she did when she was falling. -"It's a sound that belongs with blue skies and pleasant breezes. Here in the dead of night, it could. not be more out of place." This is a good line. p 4, -When you say "She explains everything," what does she explain, other than about the curse, the essay, and the film collection, which she talks about immediately afterwards? p 5, -"Why are you only showing up now?" "An excellent question." I felt like V was going to say something after that, but he didn't. Then C convinces herself that she should just trust him and help him regardless of the fact that he's suspicious. Naive again. p 6, -"Very sensible. I agree. If you would be so kind as to lend me your assistance, we shall both be on the lookout for anything that seems wrong, or out of the ordinary." First, I can't tell what's going on with V's dialogue, he's speaking like an old English butler. Second, "anything that seems wrong, or out of the ordinary," like a plant person with vine hair suddenly appearing in a garden with a quest to help the town? -"C can't guess how old he is, because nobody has put numbers to ages since before. Time flowed in one direction like a river, and never got fuzzy or vague. Unlike now, the never-ending present, when times is seen to move, but doesn't ever seem to get anywhere." So there's no concept of age in the town, other than the fact that someone is either a child or an adult? What is the cutoff for adulthood? I'm seeing that we're getting into some spooky time stuff. -"...the boy is clearly older than C. He's older than T and E. Not quite old enough to be a grown man, though." How can she tell? He's not really a man, right? There's grapes growing in his "hair". -"V introduces himself again, and proclaims once more that he has come to save the town." I wanted to see this scene, rather than have it summarized. It makes the distracted response by Ch more interesting. p 7, -"I'm sure you and C will get along like a house on fire," uh, what? lol, this is definitely creepy. -"S and I have been expecting him for quite some time." Okay, that's weird. -"They have watched the ritual with silent satisfaction." That's very creepy. p 8, -"For the rest of the evening, C's mother makes herself scarce," isn't that what she always does? I thought she was always in her room. -"...'C remembers that she still needs to sort out the sleeping arrangements...Can he sleep on the sofa?' 'Not to worry!' V says when C voices her thoughts. And he becomes a raven." *blink* Riiight, okay. So V can turn into a raven as well. -"It would be like mentioning that her father looks like a man-sized bowling ball, or that her mother looks like a skeleton." I don't know if I remember S being described as looking like a skeleton. -"For all C knows, there could be hundred, or even thousands of people like V on the far side of the cursed land. Maybe C is the strange one." This is good characterization.

So I concur with the others that have said that this feels much more like MG than YA. In terms of your questions: 1. What do you make of the MC? The distant third person narrator makes it difficult get a sense for C. I feel like I was told more about her than was actually revealed through her. One of the main things I got from C was that she was very naive and trusting. She also didn't seem be very concerned about much. 2. What do you make of the setting? The setting is definitely spooky, though I wanted more concrete setting details and some description of the town. 3. Does it make you want to read on? I would read on because my curiosity has been piqued, but I'm worried that there's not a lot of conflict, hook, or action going on in the first chapter, other than being told that there is a curse, and C falling out of a tree. I was really hoping for some kind of initial scare. As I go Pg 1, "The land is dotted with skeleton trees," great thematic setting detail and language I feel like some sentences are redundant, and it would strengthen the previous sentence if you cut them, ie- "Although it is the only way in or out of town, nobody dares to venture onto." That says everything. You don't need, "Not even to find out where it would take them." Also I think you could cut the latter part of, "They all know that they are forbidden." It's strong enough when combined with the previous sentence. "Without needing to be told," seems like a redundancy that is tacked on. Pg 2, "I don't feel cursed at all!" I found this very amusing, also, famous last words. When you say that T has no free time, I wanted you to explain that or follow it up with something. "That's why her favorite kind of places to explore are old, abandoned buildings. Preferably the kind that's full of antiques or old tools or musty books." This is good characterization. "...but when C decides to do something, she will not be budged," good characterization as well, but try to show more than tell these kinds of things. pg 3, when T says, "That thing's been dead for ages," it causes me to wonder if you are telling the reader that the curse has been around for ages, or if that's just the kind of exaggeration that children often use in their dialogue with each other. I think it's important to give the reader an idea of how tall the tree is, if C is climbing it. This will help create tension and give a better mental image of the scene. pg 4, It's confusing to me that C would be willing to try and get cursed just to prove it, when it seems like there is already plenty of visible proof. Who is she proving it to? Is C really that reckless? "It's about making something fun happen in a tiny town where nothing ever changes." I don't understand what would be fun about getting cursed. "She almost makes it." I feel like you really need to ratchet up the tension up to this moment. There's not much action going on in these first 4 pages, other than C falling out of the tree. I would try and create some more drama surrounding that, maybe have T warning her and telling her to climb down. pg 5, Once again, in regards to falling out of the tree, I wanted to see more fear and emotion from C, instead of her calm contemplation of the view as she is falling. Unless she's not really falling from a serious height, but I can't tell how high she climbed, only that it must be somewhat high if she was trying to be able to see farther. I thought it was strange that neither T or E said anything when C fell on them. It seemed like a missed opportunity for characterization for them. "There's a thought won't let Constance go: that she hasn't proven, one way or the other, whether the curse is real." This phrasing was a bit confusing. pg 6, When C says, "The ink goes all wobbly and twists itself into tumbles of nonsense words," I wasn't sure if this was how it actually was, or if it was a result of something with C's perspective or vision. pg 7, "I think my essay has changed from when I wrote it down," so from this it looks like she can still read it? Is the information changed into nonsense, or does it actually say something different? If she can't remember what she wrote, how does she know it's changed? pg 8, "...historical people doing old-timey things." This is funny, good characterization through voice. "C likes to give GM the benefit of the doubt, because surely nobody would be that rude on purpose." This is good characterization of GM, but it also makes C look to be quite naive and gullible. "The town is the sort where the roads are made of potholes," great setting description. I find it odd that C doesn't use the word Mom or Dad, or know much about them. pg 9, "sceptic tank," should be spelled "septic". "C fetches firewood from one of them," is this wood being chopped from the dead trees in the cursed zone where no one is supposed to go? If not, where is it coming from? The capitalization of "Wood Stove" is a bit distracting, I don't think that it's necessary to convey its importance. "...the wood stove changes things, and that she shouldn't worry about it or ask strange questions," hmm, this is interesting. "...if somebody burns it hard enough," the language here is strange, how do you burn something harder? pg 10, "He is a massive, living cue ball." Can't tell if this is exaggeration or not. Is he actually spherical? "They eat at a low table before the wood stove, C, S, C, and four empty chairs." Are they sitting in chairs? If so, why do they have 7 chairs? If not, whey aren't they sitting in the chairs? I'm confused either way. "The westerns themselves feel fuzzy now, in the same way as C's essay." Hmm, so something is going on with C's memory I think now.

Hah, Appa, that's a fitting name. He just needs the arrow and some horns. And another set of legs. Wine is fine, but liquor is quicker, right? I'm a sucker for negronis and most things with bitters or gin personally. I haven't explored much of Pratchett, I tried reading Colour of Magick and wasn't very into it. But then I read Mort and enjoyed that. And I've read Good Omens, which I know he cowrote. I've been thinking about reading Going Postal, but I've also heard the Tiffany Aching books are his best. I suppose I'll put them both on the TBR bookshelf.

Hey, thanks, nice to meet you.