Thaidakar the Ghostblood

I've been looking at Percy Jackson memes lately and I just had a flashback to the Pandemic, sitting and waiting for a vaccine while reading book four or book five of the books and just giggling over Leo and Calypso...

Them flashbacks are vivid, folks.

I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I want to just drift in peacefulness with no sense of time whatsoever...

I don't want to have to deal with it all, I don't want to have to deal with that guilt, that anguish, that sense of failure. I don't want to struggle with what seemed so crystal clear before.

Why is life so difficult?

Why is it so hard to follow the advice I've given others, each time with my full heart into it and wanting the best for them?

Logically and statistically, I know what's going on, but that doesn't help a lot...

The day had a hiccup in the morning, but then I got back up and kept going. It was going so well.

Then a went and made a stupid mistake. A stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid mistake.

I knew it wouldn't be easy, I know it won't be, I know there will be more days like this before it'll start to get better, but the fact that there will be more merely just makes me groan under the expectation of that coming.

I want to instantly get better. Is it wrong to want that? No...

So I keep going.

Storm it all, I'll keep going even if it feels like I have to drag myself through hell itself to get to the better days.

Yet... that doesn't make it hurt less.

It doesn't make the fact that right now hurts.

I beg you all not to make the same dumb mistakes that I have. Don't do it, no matter what Satan tells you, no matter how you feel it could be fun, no matter how good it may seem or gratifying, don't do it. It isn't worth it. You'll end up with a lot of horrible days and a sack full of regrets as you try to fix yourself. Heck, you'll have to fix yourself more than once, probably. I've had to. My gosh, but I've had to. This is my third round of trying to get better.

Just don't. 

Use the strength you have to say no before, unwillingly, that strength is ripped from you and you have to recreate it bit by bit. It hurts like the devil (heh, pun intended). 

I give the experience of living in a mental space straight from the Devil's HQ -100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000/1000.

Again, please don't give away your agency. never give up your agency. If something is making it so you can't choose, then that something is, most likely, wrong. And, in that agency, there is the choice to choose things that inhibit your agency in the right ways or the wrong ways. Similar to how there's good peer pressure and bad peer pressure.

Stay cool, people, and don't give away the many named greatest possession of all.

Liberty.

Freedom.

agency.

I have said once or twice on here that acting is similar to roleplaying.

I want to clarify that while giving some insight to what I've just realized about my writing process.

Writing and acting are on a line, I think. Writing on one end, acting on the other. Roleplaying is somewhere in the middle. DND is closer to acting, the kind we do on the Shard is closer to writing.

For a good long year, I was an active role-player on a Minecraft server. It made it so that I had to keep my messages short, I could only have one character at a time. This type of roleplaying, I think, would classify closer to acting.

In acting there is this thing called method acting. A lot of you know what this is, but some don't, so I'll have the definition here. "a technique of acting in which an actor aspires to complete emotional identification with a part."

You see, there's a reason why my roleplaying was so much better than my writing. I automatically started method acting in it, started thinking like the character and giving my lines at times with detailed actions and descriptions. I only had to worry about one character and so fleshed that character out so wholly that I could then start another character.

And another.

And another.

In the end, the most I had was four or five characters, all of the ideas crammed in my head. Only one could be played at a time with any kind of genuine feeling to them.

It's a much longer and more complex story, but this works for now. After I stopped that kind of roleplaying, I found it harder to write. I'm just starting to think it's because I've been slowly more method acting my characters. It was a gradual process of me starting to act like the characters as I immersed myself in doing a lot of role-play.

This is going to totally and completely burn me out of writing. I can feel it in my bones. If I only write when I can feel like the character when I'm an unpaid writer who has schooling and lots of other things that are everywhere in my life, then I highly doubt I'll be able to become as good a writer as I want to be anytime in the next decade. I don't want to be in my thirties before I publish my first novel. 

Does anyone have any suggestions to get out of bad writing habits? Specifically ones that have become engrained in yourself to come out in a specific way?