Thaidakar the Ghostblood

Hey yall

it’s my 5000th post (I think). For this post, it’s time for a genuine life update. 

I… I’ve been thinking about my life lately. My life this far has been quite the ride. I’ve met amazing people, I like to think I’ve helped others best I can, I’ve learned, I’ve progressed, I’ve changed.

the one thing… the one thing is that I don’t know if where I am going is where God wants to go. Before this point, I’ve had a weird look at priorities and what I do and how I do it. I’ve put certain things higher on my priorities than others when they certainly shouldn’t be that high up. The Shard and YouTube for example. 

the main thing is that I feel lost in some ways. I don’t know what I’m doing in a way. I could continue doing what I’ve been doing, approaching being a writer. I don’t know if being the best writer I can be, writing in ways that explore the world and different views and experiences in the ways I have before, is what I need to do. I don’t know if this is the right path for me. I don’t know if this is the path God wants for me

i think I’ve known this for awhile now, but I’ve ignored it.

(This next bit is a lot about me and my relationship with god. I ramble a lot lol.)

i can’t anymore. I really, really, really can’t. I’m gonna be real with y’all here, I’m really, really, really am scared of the eventuality that I am asked by God to do what I don’t want to do. I really don’t want to be asked to sacrifice what I love, even if it is required to become what He wants me to become. I want to be what he wants me to be, but I also want to be who I want to be. And yet

And yet

what all this comes down to, what all this is about, is that I seriously am in need of reevaluating my life and my priorities. I need to discover what god wants me to do, where God wants me to go, who God wants me to be. 

I need to remove things out of my life that would stop me from getting closer to what God wants me to be. I’m terrified what those things might be. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t know as much that I do so I wouldn’t be required to do more.

then I remember

yall, conference was amazing. God is real, I promise that. You might not believe me, but I testify that he is real as you and me. There is something I said once in a discussion with a dear friend of mine. I said “What is religion if it does not require anything of you?” I said that to mean that God requires us to sacrifice, even things and ideas which we hold dear. 

Am I a hypocrite?

yeah.

But, our friend Dalinar said something once. A hypocrite is a man in the process of changing.

I’ve resisted it, I’ve fought it, I’ve plead against it, but… but maybe it’s time to change for once. Maybe it is time to let my life be changed for the better, no matter how painful it is.

i don’t know how long it will take, what I will sacrifice, what my new goals will be, but tonight and over this next week, I will be trying to figure my life out. I will be trying to let go of my own desires for once in my life.

So why have I talked about all of that? Why did I drone on and on in agonizing detail?

because I have an itch that the shard might be one of the things I have to sacrifice to change and be the better person than I have been before. 

If I have to leave, I will make a post, hopefully on my shardiversaey, explaining it all and what things will happen regarding a few things. I plan on staying sfrrr that post if this truly goes down for a week or so. Then I’ll be gone.

I’m sorry if that was a confusing post, I don’t know anymore lol. Y’all are great folks and I love y’all. Please send me prayers. I rarely ask anyone for these kinds of things, but… it would be appreciated. 

God be with you. I love y’all. Y’all are wonderful people. Sorry if I bored yall with that long, rambley post.

good night.