Thaidakar the Ghostblood

I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I want to just drift in peacefulness with no sense of time whatsoever...

I don't want to have to deal with it all, I don't want to have to deal with that guilt, that anguish, that sense of failure. I don't want to struggle with what seemed so crystal clear before.

Why is life so difficult?

Why is it so hard to follow the advice I've given others, each time with my full heart into it and wanting the best for them?

Logically and statistically, I know what's going on, but that doesn't help a lot...

The day had a hiccup in the morning, but then I got back up and kept going. It was going so well.

Then a went and made a stupid mistake. A stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid mistake.

I knew it wouldn't be easy, I know it won't be, I know there will be more days like this before it'll start to get better, but the fact that there will be more merely just makes me groan under the expectation of that coming.

I want to instantly get better. Is it wrong to want that? No...

So I keep going.

Storm it all, I'll keep going even if it feels like I have to drag myself through hell itself to get to the better days.

Yet... that doesn't make it hurt less.

It doesn't make the fact that right now hurts.

I beg you all not to make the same dumb mistakes that I have. Don't do it, no matter what Satan tells you, no matter how you feel it could be fun, no matter how good it may seem or gratifying, don't do it. It isn't worth it. You'll end up with a lot of horrible days and a sack full of regrets as you try to fix yourself. Heck, you'll have to fix yourself more than once, probably. I've had to. My gosh, but I've had to. This is my third round of trying to get better.

Just don't. 

Use the strength you have to say no before, unwillingly, that strength is ripped from you and you have to recreate it bit by bit. It hurts like the devil (heh, pun intended). 

I give the experience of living in a mental space straight from the Devil's HQ -100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000/1000.

Again, please don't give away your agency. never give up your agency. If something is making it so you can't choose, then that something is, most likely, wrong. And, in that agency, there is the choice to choose things that inhibit your agency in the right ways or the wrong ways. Similar to how there's good peer pressure and bad peer pressure.

Stay cool, people, and don't give away the many named greatest possession of all.

Liberty.

Freedom.

agency.