Thaidakar the Ghostblood

Feelings are weird.

Emotions are weird.

Life sucks.

I want to keep living, no doubt about that.

I am not considering ending my life, that is and forever will remain factual. I'm determined at that. This is something entirely different than anything like that.

Instead, I've just.. I've just had feelings of going absolutely nowhere. I've felt like I'm stuck in a loop, kinda, and don't know how to proceed. I feel like I can't talk to anyone, even though I try to. I don't hang out with friends, except for my cousin, often. It's not because I've failed or anything at it, I haven't even tried. I feel exhausted after school and just sit down to scroll on YouTube shorts instead of doing anything productive. I don't really hang out with my family at all. I'm up in my room for most of the day, doing whatever. School, reading, scripture study, etc. I haven't been working out for about a week now, I just haven't felt like it; I both have and don't have motivation for doing so, and that starts to crush me. Even if I am doing the right thing and know it as a fact, it feels wrong. Religion has helped me a lot here, I've felt the spirit, I've seen good things happen, and a number of other things. But... I can't help but think that the way I am living is unhealthy and that every time I try to make a change, it winds up backfiring in the end and I get back to where I started and everything is slipping into just something absolutely horrible.

Sorry for all of that- but... *sighs*.

I just don't know. I see what a good healthy lifestyle would be, but I don't know how to get myself there in actuality. I know what it will take, I just don't know how to have the strength to get what it will take to get me where I want to be.

I want to make positive changes, I see how it can happen, I just... I don't know... I want to. I really want to.

I need some advice, my friends, if you can provide it. If not that, then some hugs would be great.

EDIT: I... have looked over some things in my life. I think I can change if I make a few things different. If I do seminary later, if I spend more time reading because I want to, not because I used to be able to do it a lot in the past. Hopefully, through this week I'll be able to at least make a few good changes. Wish me luck!