Thaidakar the Ghostblood

(Warning, this is a long one, but a really important one in regards to me and the Shard. Please, please, read it if you want to know beforehand about certain things.)

I am realizing how much I've grown over my time online and just altogether.

This journey... It's the journey that I've loved, and the destination I am seeing come into view, even if it is still far off in the distance.

this is both a goodbye and a raise a glass to more times post.

I am not saying goodbye, but I also am in a way.

Because... who I was is going in favor of who I am becoming. Someone who is independent. Someone who can pay attention. Someone who can take responsibility for his actions and can make those actions responsible in the first place. Someone who can help others appreciate the journey. 

I see myself becoming a better person, but I cannot help but see my faults and wonder "Have I really progressed?" But... I have. I do think that I have. Looking back on my older posts, I was abrasive, I was ill tempered and got scathing when someone presented an opinion I didn't like. I look back at that with deep shame. But... I also see how getting to that low helped me to realize that I could go to the opposite, go to my high, get to a place where I can see their opinions, compare them to my own, and say "You know what, that's fine. They have their opinion and I have mine. And, at the end of the day, we need to be unified despite our differences." 

All of you have helped me grow so much as a person. I'm sorry for all the ridiculous, highly opinionated, at times offensive, horrible things I've said in the past. I'm not proud of those moments, but I see how they've helped me become who I am today, and so I am grateful for them in that. 

My time on the Shard might become a bit more limited soon... I have to get used to doing a lot more school work than I'm used to doing. I'm taking on a bigger work load than before. I'm realizing that to get into college eventually, I need to be working more and paying attention. I've been needing to take higher priority to my work. I haven't done so in the past, unfortunately.

Which is why this post is here in the first place.

I'm here to warn you that, if it gets too much for me, I might have to quit for a season. Just for a little while so that I can regain control of my school, of my personal life and take the time to go make a few friends (and no, that doesn't mean actually create friends out of shoes, or write some to life... *sudden idea pops into head*). But.. I really do need to be doing more in my own life instead of fabricating a digital life on here. While it is fun, it isn't what I need. 

In the past... well... while, I've been realizing that even if something is good, it isn't always what I need. A prime example of this is something recently. I recently started reading Babel. I was loving it so much, but then I started feeling horrible about it. I don't know why. I don't know what was wrong with it. I was loving it. But I had a horrible feeling inside, paired with some feelings from one or two other things I did wrong. I knew I had to quit because that's what the spirit was telling me (I think? I was in a kinda funk with spiritual things a few days back and had to figure that all out. Still figuring out tbh...). I've really been learning to prioritize the things that will benefit me in the long run, such as writing, hanging out with family, making new friends where I am, school work, scripture study, etc.

And... in that... the Shard isn't one of them.

I love the Shard, I love this place, and I want to stay here. But I really don't want to be constantly on here as I have been in the past, as I have done in part today when I was trying to write. I just sometimes randomly open it up if I'm not focusing on my writing as much in a given moment. 

I hope that I can stay here, I hope that, in the end, I will be able to have control enough over myself that I will be able to have a specific time when I can come on here and hang out. But currently I really need to focus on other things. 

And that is also why this is partially a goodbye.

I will not be as active for at least a few weeks. I'll be on here Saturdays definitely, but not all day. I'll be on here for maybe like half an hour a day at most for a good while until I find the proper balance. 

I love all of you, I love this place, I love the how it's run, I love the mods (I wouldn't have said that as easily (Not to say that I didn't like the mods before, I did like the mods before, but yeah-) before I started listening Shardcast, but after- my gosh- it made me realize that they aren't just the big scary people in the background who occasionally hammer someone into ban-nation (), they're here because they're nerds too.), I love all of the theories, the RPs, the reputation levels, the revolutionary causes about the rep limit, the art commission's, the chatting, the fierce arguments about whether Kaladin is a good character or not... It's all just so wonderful.

I don't want to end it, I really don't. But I have to realize that there is a possibility I will have to end this experience, I will have to stop coming on here, I will have to not talk to a lot of you again. And that scares me and makes me sad all at once. I don't want to leave. 

I'm sorry that this post has been so long, so conflicting, so convoluted and contradicting, but I really feel like I had to write it.

And, so, in conclusion... I'm sorry for everything. I won't be on here much for a good while, but that is only a thing of what has to be so that I can run instead of a meandering walk. This has to be for so many reasons, a portion of which I discussed above (as anyone who has gotten to this point will realize). 

So... goodbye, my friends! Till Saturday! I won't be fully back for a long time.

I will miss all of you, those who are active and those who are not! 

I love all of you and remember that someone believes in you, that someone loves you for who you are truly. Remember that someone enjoys your company and thinks that you can accomplish anything that you set your mind to. 

And... most importantly remember that you deserve love. You deserve to be loved and to be cherished. You deserve to share your opinion and to talk to others. You deserve to be your own person. You deserve to take control of your destiny and shape it how you would! 

P.S. @CalanoCorvus I have officially made Cross Stitching In The Morning one of my writing songs. 

P.P.S. God be with you till we meet again, my dear friends!