AubreyWrites

Thanks for the suggestions. I will definitely listen to it. I have just started season 1 of WE and am keeping up with the current season. I just haven't made Otto season 5 yet. As far as the twilight thing. I wasn't offended or anything. Considering how wildly successful those books have been it would almost be an honor to be compared with them. I just don't want my story to be a mere reflection or copy of something someone else has created. Lol and there are definitely no vampires or werewolves in my story

Ok thanks! My next several chapters after this one are back to normal length

ok i think i see where you are coming from. And no, my intention is not for them to have abilities that they never use. I think i'm approaching this story from more of a 3-act play" aspect. the first "act" - this story, while having a minor story arc of it's own is part of a much larger arc. This book is more setting up plot and developing characters and will retain a small town conflicts story feel. We won't really even see the main "villian-Cain" until the second book. The next book will take a much broader scale with larger concerns. While the Resolution book will be on a global scale as far as conflict is concerned. So while things ARE going to happen in this book, the conflict is going to be on a much smaller scale as I get ready for the real conflict to come in the next couple books. If you wanna use Twilight as an example of scale (although my story itself is absolutely nothing resembling Twilight-hopefully) The first book, Twilight spends most of the book with not much happening outside of spurts of action. Instead we get to know they world through Bella's eyes as she spends a good portion of the book finding out and coming to terms with the paranormal world she didn't know existed in the shape of Edward. It isn't really until the last part of New Moon and getting into Ecplise that the conflict starts becoming grander in scale. As far as scale is concerned, that's what I'm hoping to do with this story. That being said- I have been taking in to consideration the comments I've been getting here and have started shifting some things around and editing in/out content to help my pacing. I hope this doesn't scare you off! The feedback has been great! thanks

while i like this story better than some of the others I will say I still had kind of a hard time getting into it. The concept was fine (i do see where Mandamon picked up a vaguely mistborn-esque feel) I know this is a short story but I feel like the style of of writing is still too abrupt. The transitions don't feel smooth and he goes from "wow' what's happening to me" to "i have awesome powers!" too quickly. Also I am a fan of historical fiction and it jarred me out of the story when history didn't add up. I think perhaps you might need to do a little bit more research if you truly want it to have a more authentic feel. The concept is not bad - and like Mandamon said, with some good polishing could probably be a good story.

I agree with Mandamon on most all points involving this chapter. I haven't read the other chapters so I don't really have much to compare Fen's character development to. I don't know if this is intentional or not but i sort of got a "Rand in Cairhien" from the Wheel of time series- type vibe. With all the political entanglements and "lord of Light" talk. Is it your intention for this to fall under sort of an epic fantasy story scope wise? Just wondering. I wish I could give you more thoughts on character development but since I haven't read the rest of your story anything I might offer up at this point would probably miss the mark of what you are trying to do. Interesting!

Thanks Silk! I will go ahead and plan on submitting the whole thing but I will check back before I do to make sure it's still alright.

i have enough submissions to keep submitting every week for a while now so I am going to keep asking to submit- but since I have had the privilege of getting something in every week for the last month please know that if there isn't space I am willing to secede placement in favor of someone who hasn't gone in a while. That being said. Is there room for this coming monday? Also- I have looked at this chapter. It is a little over 8k - however I can break it into 2 pieces if I absolutely have to. Thoughts? Thanks!

i agree with Syme about the helmet. It does break POV and pulls us out. And I am a little bit confused why the helmet is relevant. I also agree with mandamon about your placement being vague. You make references to earth and and things terrestrial but there is a bit of a learning curve as you throw out several new places. This is fine if it is a completely alternate universe and therefore not needing an anchor to earth but it sounds like Earth has a place either in the present or in the history of this universe. To throw the reader a bunch of new places without anchoring them in reference to how/where earth is involved is confusing and leaves the reader floundering around a bit trying to get their footing in your world instead of focusing on what you want them to focus on. at I am confused by the language in this paragraph. How do greenhouses sprout from nothing? What are the "some things" that are either in the wrong place or no longer there? Instead of helping me get a good solid feel for your world this paragraph seems to wander vaguely about trying to imply that things have changed -but i didn't really know what what they were before. But the apparent changes that feel depressing (is that the right emotion you are trying to convey through Dimas?) don't really shine through because they aren't solid enough. Perhaps if you mention the others but highlight more in depth one specific thing that has changed to Dimas's eyes and let him dwell on how much it has changed and why he finds it depressing. I think it would lend a little more solidarity to your world while at the same time giving us a little snippet of "Dimas development". Interested in the new girl. Although if she knew he was coming home why is she so terribly shocked when he actually shows up at her door? I can understand anger and obviously there is history there but i got the feeling she was shocked more than anything else. Interesting chapter. Looking forward to more!

thanks for the feedback on this one. I should probably put it out there that I have completely redone chapter two (the infodump chapter) and that it is now gone. That should flow better with the Alex Interlude. It also hopefully will make the snippets of backstory and hints of abilities not redundant anymore. The interludes are going to be a regular feature of the chapters but main POV is going to stay with Elizabeth during Part 1 of this series. Thank you Syme for some of the grammer/punctuation corrections. I shall keep them in mind when i start editing. As for the Elizabeth/Rowana interaction - I am trying to further develop a little bit of their relationship so the reader can get start to get a good handle for their dynamic. Mandamon- please don't expect some sudden "talent" battles or anything. The whole reason that Elizabeth and her family have been able to stay in one place so long is that they have gotten really good at hiding their abilities. It's going to take some careful maneuvering for them to just "slip up" without it being an obvious plot ploy. While I want interest in their talents what I am really striving for is to create a sense of mystery/suspense around keeping them hidden. Suggestions on how I might do that more efficiently? I am trying to pick up the pacing a little bit but as I said before - It's YA with some scifi elements and Part 1 is mostly character-driven. This isn't going to be a short story. I've only got about 10 chapters written so far (about half of part one) and I'm already at 58k. Thanks for all the feedback! I really do appreciate it and take it in to consideration!

So I really like this chapter. I have a better feel for how origon looks now and I like the way the description of the Nether evolved out of their conversation. I guess that my only issue so far with Sam is how quickly he gets over being freaked out. He hasn't been out of the house (so im guessing not around a whole lot of other people) in a long time and then BAM He gets sucked into a portal, his aunt is dead, and a freaky looking humanoid that drips colors and can do what looks like magic confronts him, then he is told he can do possibly the same thing.....and then finds out he isn't even on his planet anymore....and he thinks maybe he is in California? I admit when we are freaked the mind jumps to weird places but he just seems to get over it and accept it pretty quickly. Is he just still in shock? If so maybe make that a little bit clearer that while he is taking everything in (and thus giving us the reader a chance to see your alternative reality through human eyes) that he isn't really processing it. If he is processing it wouldn't he as as a regular person be reacting to what is happening to him -not to mention maybe some overreaction considering his hermit like life style of late? I can just imagine the physical reaction his body would be having when all of this is dumped on him at once. I am pretty sure I would be hyperventilating in the very least. And yet he is able to almost immediately start a fairly coherent conversation with an alien. When brings me to my second question. Sam just entered another world and is speaking to an alien. How in the world are they having a conversation? How would they understand one another? Tiny microbes like in Farscape? Whatever it is, you don't have to give us the whole enchilada for how you have worked it out right this minute but hang a lantern on the question at least. Maybe Sam wonders the same thing as he tries to process what is going on? And yes, I gave this some thought and I really do like the idea of Sam's entrance into the storyline being the first thing we see. Even if it does set some readers up to expect urban fantasy it is still an easier adjustment to go from "I thought this was urban fantasy" to " oh ok, broader scale" than it is to go from "alternate alien reality" back to "present day America." I think at this point Sam is the most relatable character because he is the most familiar to us. You need a good hook to get us invested early into the story and Sam provides that along with the action in his first sequence. Origon while still a very intriguing character, is a weaker hook because there is such a steep learning curve in becoming familiar with him and his surroundings. I think you would lose less readers if they can get invested immediately instead of processing the learning curve right off the bat. While your style of writing is very easy to follow and keeps me engaged I am also a fairly hardcore scifi/fantasy fan and am willing to wade through the curve because I know it will eventually ease up as I get more familiar with the world. Some readers may not be willing to do that unless they have a character they can connect with immediately - and between Sam and Origon (at this point so early on in the story) Sam is probably going to win with most people. Just my thoughts. Great chapter. I am looking forward to more!

Here is Chapter 3 of Moonstruck. Previously: Prologue: Elizabeth and her family escape as children from the Lunar Colony. Their parents die during the attempt.: Chapter 1: 15 years later Introduced to Elizabeth as an adult living with her family in hiding in Red River. Elizabeth and Bleys are an item. Elizabeth is a ski instructor. Chapter 3: Looking forward to feedback. Let me know if you catch any grammar/punctuation issues. I've been working to try and get better at that. Thanks!

if there is room i would like to submit monday please. my next chapter is hovering right at 7k. Is that alright? There isn't really a good place to break it in half.

so i have been thinking more and more about this chapter. I think you should consider moving this to the front of the story. Here's my reason why. It will make the learning curve less steep. It is easier to go from "normal reality that starts going weird" than from "weird reality abruptly going back to normal" in the beginning of your story we start off in a very alien palce with alien things going on- and that's ok if we're going to stay there because we will eventually learn enough about the place and start getting comfortable with it. but when you abruptly switch back to what seems like a "normal reality" it kinda gives the reader mental whiplash. we spend too much time trying to figure out what just happened and 'am i reading the same story' instead of investing in the scene. If you flip flop it for some reason it's easier to accept that "oh i thought this was a normal reality but i guess there's more to it" It feels like we are going to see Sam again at the end of this chapter so i don't think it would be too much of a jump to realize that he will be back -even if it's a few chapters from now. Also your little blurb at the top about using power and then going "tone deaf" for a while actually makes sense would help us in learning your magic system because it makes it clear that it's based on a sort of universal music/vibration thing. Knowing this going into the story would probably have helped me with the learning curve during Origon's PoV since there was so much else to take in as well. Just my thoughts.

i'm not bothered by the lack of future tech as i assume it's part of your story. I do agree with syme though that "hundreds of scientists" are not adequate even if they did all disappear. unless science has been strictly regulated and you have to be registered with a special guild and all that (which if it was you need to make that clear) you would have thousands of scientists worldwide. How could they possibly all have disappeared? as far as character development. i agree with mandamon. You're characters don't really have a lot of flesh- which is ok this early on but i am having trouble remembering who is who. It took me several pages in to remember who Oliver was. You might start distinguishing them physically. Is Jonas an adult? if so how old? is he fat and balding or short with really intense eyes and bushes for eyebrows? it will help us keep them straight as they gather flesh to have things that you can physically reference from time to time until we really get to know them. i too wasn't very sure why she had such an intense reaction to what seems to be just a couple of smart mouthed kids. She went from zero to pissed really really quickly and we don't really know why. "It's insulting to uncle Chris" just doesn't feel like a good enough reason to completely lose it and start shaking the building. I don't suppose you live in NY. I got a very "ground Zero two towers" feeling from the whole crash site. incidentally i did like your way of giving us some back story through the info video- i'm having issues with this in my own story so - kudos for doing it better than i did. also when she realizes she is the cause of the shaking and starts running- i didn't really connect with her fear and terror. she seems way too calm about the fact that she's causing an earthquake. Not being able to relate to her in what should be such a moment of strong emotion puts distance between me as the reader and emily- which pulls me out of the story. I don't know her well enough yet to put distance between us. Just a side-note. The underlined mental thoughts really bug me. You don't see that in published work. normally thoughts are just italicized. It really brings me out of the story every time she has a mental thought and i feel like i'm reading a book title instead. I am interested in the new guy - i'm intrigued about the next chapter!

Mandamon, I think I probably need to address the nature of her abilities better. I would categorize her as an empath but really what's happening is when she is touching someone else's skin, she beginning to chemically reflect them. Our bodies react checmically when we experience different emotions. So she doesn't touch someone and suddenly know they're feeling angry. She experiences what how their body is chemically reacting to anger. i.e. face flushes. temp may rise. throat closing up, knot in stomach...She doesn't understand this yet -not having the advantage of lab tests and someone to really explain it to her. She's just learned to puzzle out how different "feelings" (chemical changes)are linked to reactions/emotions people are having. Also her (and siblings) abilities didn't manifest themselves until puberty. I thought i had said that in the infodump but i need to make it clearer. In chapter 1 when she's holding Bley's hand in the car she gets a rush of warm feeling. i was trying not to spell it out but i guess maybe some of that was too subtle for this early on in the story. There is a reason he almost does a 180 on personality and also a reason for kissing her so absurdly. However i think you are right partially on her reaction. I think i'm going to rework how they get down off the mountain but i need to make clearer why she doesn't tell anyone about him assaulting her. When they touched she didn't get ANYTHING- not a single reaction and she's curious and maybe a little scared. Also Thanks for the tip on the reason for the war. there is of course a reason but i probably need to attribute it to a false one for now. Having done absolutely no research on this, my quick answer is: I would think so. The body produces mucous. When it builds up so much, like anything else liquidy it will follow the path of least resistance- usually out an orifice. now what it does once it reaches the nose opening- your guess is as good as mine whether it will stay on the face since gravity is what pulls it down out of the nose....maybe it just floats until a big enough glob breaks off Could be an interesting visual- if a gross one - how is that for a BS answer?

Syme, And thus you have hit upon the reason I am most unhappy with this chapter. I know it's an info dump and I don't like it. However I am having trouble figuring out exactly when and how to introduce little snippets that will ease some reader confusion and also fill in back story WITHOUT turning into an info dump. This is where I could use some help. I do have places in chapters 3 and 6 (happier with chapter 6) where more back story is revealed in a much better fashion. I don't agree. This is actually based in fact that I have researched. In order for pretty much ALL of current technology to work today we are in fact absolutely dependent on REM's or Rare Earth Metals. There are very few deposits of these left on earth. One is in California and the others are in fact in China. Necessity is the mother of invention- so when REM's were found on the moon all the innovation went into development of harvesting THEM not into development of new tech that wouldn't need these minerals. Humanity is by nature short-sighted. So when war DID come up (which I kept obscure on purpose) and they started destroying communication Sat.s and each other's tech, they were concentrating on tech to win the war. It also seems implausible to me that the first thing nations would reach for would be nukes. In the wars since WWII in which nukes were used- have you seen them used since? No- instead we get long drawn out wars like Iraq and Afghanistan and the Vietnam where people just pound on each other until nothing is left hardly. I just took this concept to a global scale. Also a few nukes WERE used- I just haven't talked about them yet. I don't buy the concept that humanity has no sense of self-preservation in a bunch of these post-apocalyptic stories. 2 A-bombs were enough to end war with Japan. I don't see why just because we HAVE nukes nowadays necessarily means everyone will try and USE them ALL at once when they know it would be the end of humanity as a whole. Besides, you need a certain amount of tech to even use nuke warheads properly (guidance systems, ect) and once communications SATs are out and major cities have been bombed out and use of computing ability severely compromised, the use of high tech weapons becomes much harder to pull off - especially if there are limited amounts of the supplies (REM's) with which to rebuild. So yes there is limited tech in my story at this point in time. It's not non-existent - just severely limited with strict recycling measures. (I address recycling in chapter 3) Also yes it's been 15 years since the War- much of that time was spent just trying to rebuild infrastructure and get a grip on the country. so any innovation since then (which is made harder by the already limited tech available now) would be slow coming and almost certainly restricted to military use and therefore not in common circulation. Yeah I have been thinking about some of the blocking in that scene and I do need to redress a couple things. For the most part I Elizabeth IS confused by him so it's quite natural for the reader to be as well. I'm glad you liked their interaction. I am working on getting better at male type dialogue. I'm glad the creepy thing came across. Thanks for your feedback!

Yes but that is a very human thing to say. of course "people" can refer to more than humans but when you throw that word around combined with human colloquialisms and human like mannerisms, instead of making them separate but relate-able it can diminish the distinction you are trying to convey to the reader. He writes from several different PoV's including humans. Honestly the story is pretty slow to get going- you're half way through the book before any real action starts. The reason I suggested it is because the way he writes completely non-humaniod species (They're more like hibernating spiders) that are right about early 20th century level of tech. Over the course of several chapters he makes it clear how very different they are from humans but still are relateable in emotions and motivations that are relevant to humans. I wasn't suggesting his style of writing so much as taking note of the way he develops his non human species. maybe check it out at the library so you don't have to buy it. .....so this is really weird- I don't know if you follow Brandon's podcast writing excuses. I swear I hadn't listened to it until just a few minutes ago but in this week's episode he actually references Vernor Vinge with relation to aliens.

I will admit I was a little puzzled at the jump to real world but the writing kept me engaged and your characters seem well developed- even aunt Martha's cameo. The only thing that gave me pause was at the very beginning. You mention that Sam's room is full of mementos and that every year he seems to gather more. Then however you make it clear that Sam hasn't left the house in years. How is he gathering these mementos then? It's obvious aunt Martha is not bringing them to him because she has already threatened to throw a bunch of stuff away...... Otherwise I found Sam very engaging and am interested in both his backstory and what is happening right now. I really like your style thus far.

I was confused from the first sentence in the story. I had to go back and retread it a couple times and honestly I am still a little bit confused. As for the descriptions of your creatures (I have not read sweet nectar of memory) do they have hands or pincers or both? Sometimes you use the word hands and other times you use pincers. I think you need to make that distinction a little clearer for those of us who have not read the other story. I was pulled out of the story trying to figure out how they can use swords and axes with pincers??? I also agree with mandamon about this creatures reactions. First of all using the term "people" when referring to your non humans this early in a story lends the reader to thinking that they DO behave more or less according to human behaviors. I.e " That's just what people did." Second, I did not get the sense that a female mindset was all that different from a male mindset. Is there not much of a difference in this species because of the memory transfer or what? Does she feel any sense of remorse of struggle or ANYTHING at killing her fellow criminal comrades? At the last second she saves the leader but I am not really sure why. She didn't seem to have a whole lot of compassion a moment before. Why would she have some now? Overall an intriguing Idea but one that could use a little more development and polish I think. Check out A Deepness InThe Sky by Vernor Vinge The way he writes non human species makes them very unique and separate from humans while at them same time making them relatable

Hey everybody! This is Chapter 2 of Moonstruck. Previously Elizabeth and her family fled their home on the lunar colony and have been living in hiding for the past 15 years in a tiny mountain town. I am not particularly happy with this chapter as of now but I would like feedback before I say why so I don't influence anyone's opinion. Btw, I think the feedback from last week was very on point. I've been considering the pace and I agree that it is probably too slow ....I'm just trying to figure out HOW to introduce the characters a little bit closer to the beginning of the conflict without losing their dynamic. Tell me what you think! AubreyWrites

If there is room I would like to submit monday

This wasn't my favorite chapter. I too got a little confused at the end about the politic-ing. And his encounter with Rilan doesn't really jive with what I've learned so far about their personaliys and relationship. He is very quick to accuse her and then turns a 180 just as quick to believe her innocence. Also in the last couple of chapters he about drains himself of energy first directing the rocket, then trying to contain the drain and then getting back home. You stressed that it would take him 'years' to recover ...but then when he gets home he's just tired. I think your magic system would be more realistic if he had to actually deal with the consequences of over extending himself. Would he really be able to go directly to a meeting and sit there for a couple hours and then perform ANOTHER bit of magic to try and reopen a portal without first recovering from the loss of so much permanent keliw? (sorry for the misspelling) What exactly are his physical limitations? You might not tell us outright but it might be good for you as the author to know. That way his limitations will naturally translate through your work. Looking forward to another chapter!

I like the world building and I like Origon. I am interested to see how this story is fleshed out. My main concern with these two chapters is the actual flight into space. Origon talks about controlling air currents for hours. How long does it take them to actually reach space? There is no air in space... I think I would like to see the difference in his struggle to control the pod in atmosphere vs space and then reentry into a thinner atmosphere. Also there is no mention of a loss of gravity and how that might have affected him as he is concentrating or his surroundings. Does he have an iron stomach that would make sudden weightlessness not a bother? Or does this pod have an artificial gravity- doesn't seem likely since this is a first venture to space and Origon isn't exactly thrilled with the design on the pod. But I suppose you could come up with an explanation. I don't know why - maybe it's something in your manner of writing but it reminds me a little bit of Michael Stackpole. I'm interested in more!

I was intrigued by the world building - although I agree with Syme about lingering in detail on a short story. Short stories are an exercise in restraint- instead of an oil painting it's a sketch. But when well done a sketch can be very powerful. I thought that the messenger fish and starlight data retriever were excellent (and original) ideas and actually did more for your world-building than the physical descriptions you spent time on. The formatting was ok- it didn't throw me. Some of your word choices and verb tense was off. "shone" instead of "shined" The detail that pulled me out of the story was at the very end. The Capital decided to let a single soldier know the war was over before his commanding officer?...That doesn't jive Maybe instead Jastin sees the flying fish deliver messages to his CO and he gets his message from him while the CO gives off an air of excitement or stunned shock or ..whatever That might cut down on the unnecessary detail while still keeping your original ideas intact and help you get to the meat of your story faster. Would like to see where it goes!

Syme, First of all, thank you for the grammar correction. Grammar has never been my strong point and I really appreciate specific instances where i made a mistake and then the correction to fix it. This is HUGE! so thanks! There is actually a very good reason that there is very little "tech." The discrepancies are addressed in chapter 2 for why that is. If I can figure out how I will try and incorporate some hints into chapter 1. I know he seems that way- much of it IS the way he is seen through Elizabeth's eye's. Bear with me. He will gather more flesh with the chapters. Mandamon, Thanks. I am really looking forward to developing their relationship - like most sisters it's complicated. The way this story is set up in my mind is more like a 3 act play with book 1 being the first act. While part 1 has it's own story arc most of it is geared towards character development and setting up the second book. I think that's why it feels slow. I realize that to keep readers engaged I need to be a bit quicker in driving my plot which does incorporate some sci-fi elements into it but honestly this first book is mainly character driven. I think I'm still trying to find that balance. I hope ya'll will continue to hang in there with me! Thanks!