Zath

While we're waiting... I'm a two-spacer because A, we used MLA format in my English classes, so I had to either pick up the habit or get bad grades on all my essays; and B, using two spaces after a sentence makes for a smoother reading experience. (Depending on the font used. And depending on whether or not seeing someone use two spaces after every sentence drives you crazy.) Found an article on the subject that's not really conclusive, but is entertaining enough to be worth a read: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/speaking-of-science/wp/2018/05/04/one-space-between-each-sentence-they-said-science-just-proved-them-wrong-2/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.2a25f59a046a Anyways. Good work on those roasts, ILuvHats, John203, Kidpen, and Ark1002! Limericks and bad metaphors. What a theme.

Granted! All you have to do is focus on where and when you want to go in the story, breathe deeply, and sneeze. Ta-da! You're in Roshar! Or Newcago! Or the Shire! Or Endor! Or Hogwarts! Or Central City! Wherever you want! The ability even extends to video game worlds! Wow! Welcome to Aperture Laboratories! Or Hyrule! Or the Mushroom Kingdom! And so many more! You have to wait 5 minutes before you can world-hop back out of a world, though, so be sure to pick a place and time that will be relatively danger-free for at least 300 seconds after you arrive. Your bane is that at random times, commercials impose themselves on whatever reality you happen to be in at the moment, superseding everything else that's currently happening and demanding your total attention. They're the most annoying, poor quality advertisements ever devised by the twisted minds of marketing. And they're all for goods and services that you already have. Fortunately, for just $19.99 a month, you can upgrade to Worldhopper Premium and go ad-free! ...If only you could figure out how to access your account and actually upgrade your stormin' subscription! ARGH!! Ninja'd. Storms. Granted! Stan Lee lives in your basement. If you didn't have a basement before, you do now. He eats all your food and never cleans up after himself. It's worth it, though, because every other day he pops up and delivers an utterly hilarious one-liner before hobbling back to your basement to read comics. He's a terrible house guest, but boy, can he make you laugh. I wish to be the ninja.

Same. Also, I believe a big part of the reason they risk giving fighters to inexperienced cadets is due to their culture of hero-worship centered on ace pilots. The experienced pilots have substantial sway over the entire community, consciously and subconsciously. They're not just celebrities, they're heroes of the people, symbols of humanity's perseverance and strength-- keeping them happy and safe is key to keeping up the public's morale. Plus it's just natural to accommodate them. Catering to ace pilots is ingrained in the culture. Look at the respect and awe shown to anyone with a pilot's pin, or even a simple cadet's pin. "If Alta is in dire need, if a lifebuster is spotted, then of course we'll call on our ace pilots for duty. But for routine patrols and scavenging missions... Well, haven't the ace pilots already done so much to help the DDF in their time in the sky? Haven't they already risked their lives plenty of times before now? Don't they deserve some time off? Why risk wearing them out or ruffling an ace pilot's feathers over a simple scavenging mission? Besides, this will give the cadets some valuable field experience. We have a few flights of experienced pilots on call; that'll be enough." They don't want to see their heroes shot down, so they rationalize the decision to send inexperienced cadets instead. Even if, on paper at least, fighters are worth more than their pilots, it's easy to justify keeping the ace pilots "in reserve", AKA in safety. Plus, any pilot or cadet with an ounce of true bravery and skill will be able to guide a damaged fighter into a safe landing, so they can salvage the acclivity ring later. Win/win. The Defiant culture has a huge impact on practically every decision made by practically everyone in the book. Practically. And giving fighters to cadets was one of those decisions so influenced. (That last sentence had grammar much. Yes, yes.)

Granted. You can take the sword out of the stone-- but you can't the stone out of the sword! ...Allow me to clarify: the sword will always crave the rocky embrace of stone. Every time you bring the sword near anything remotely stone-like, it will zoom out of your hands straight at the stone as if it were Ironpulled. It's very annoying and, frankly, hazardous. I wish for the tenth pancake.

Shallan and Autonomy. Creating alter ego avatars willy-nilly, and then they all get confused about which one they actually are. You'd end up with a vast existential crisis that spans the entirety of the Cosmere.

It's only abnormal because the robots have already brainwashed the rest of you into placid acceptance of their reign of terror! I'm the only one left... *panicked breathing* They're coming... They're coming for me! AUGH!!! Aww, shucks... Stop inflating my ego, you kind-hearted soul, you. Granted! The Nightwatcher blows a column of green smoke into your face, and you feel your flesh begin to bubble and melt off of your bones. The control over your body that you previously enjoyed is completely gone, and you collapse into a puddle of translucent muscles. Your thinking slows to a crawl, and then to a feeble twitch; your cognitive functions are devolving into those of a simple mistwraith. This is the end... Sploooorp. Twin lengths of metal suddenly interrupt the uniformity of your slimy flesh. You can suddenly think again, and you realize that the metal must be a kandra Blessing, a pair of spikes that grants sentience and power. Whew, that was a close one, you think, unable to do anything other than think at the moment. Plopshm, bloormp, sploombmp. Six more spikes enter your body. The sensation is unpleasant, but the understanding that these spikes are the other three types of kandra Blessings overshadows the discomfort. Wow! You're now smarter, and your senses, body, and emotions are much stronger than they used to be! Awesome! you think to yourself. The Nightwatcher gave me a great boon! Wait a sec. The Nightwatcher gave me a great boon... Uh oh. What's my bane? What's my bane?!? You wait in suspense for the inevitable curse the Nightwatcher has in store for you. And wait. And continue to wait... Nothing happens. Hmm. Well, you might as well get going then. You try to take a step, but the only result is a faint trembling in one of your many muscles. You don't move anywhere. Oh yeah. I don't have legs. Fortunately, you can feel the skeleton of your former human body nearby; you can use that to form a new body! Excellent. ...Now, how do form a foot? And where does this bone go? If you could see what you were doing, this would be a lot easier. ...How do you form eyes? Yes, your bane is that you have no idea how to form a body and no kandra mentor to teach you how. Trial and error, baby. Maybe you'll get the hang of it in a few centuries or so. And since the Nightwatcher doesn't think that's bad enough, you are also immediately recognized wherever you go, no matter what form you take. And physically impersonating the deceased is considered very bad form, don'tcha know. Ninja'd. Storm it. Granted! The opinion you currently have of a perfect life is frankly ridiculous, so you find yourself in an enormous tree-house dressed in overalls, a tuxedo jacket, Groucho Marx glasses, and a fez. The tree-house is bare of furniture and goes on forever-- there is no way out. Every room you enter has stacks and stacks of money, preserved forever in large cubes of amber. There's no way to get the money out, and no way to spend it even if you could. (The cubes of amber are artfully placed, however. You make a mental note to compliment the interior designer when you get the chance. After you complain about the lack of furniture, of course.) An annoyingly dapper butler by the name of Vern trails you everywhere you go. Every fifteen seconds he offers you caviar, room-temperature root beer, and nothing else. He refuses to respond to anything other than requests for caviar, room-temperature root beer, or both. This pleases you. You soon discover that by blinking three times rapidly, you can activate a VR implant and play the video game you always thought should exist: Tree-House Maze! It's an exact virtual replica of the enormous tree-house you're currently trapped in. Ain't that grand? You enjoy yourself for a couple days, but then you start to lose your mind, as is proper in such a situation. The Nightwatcher gives you no bane, seeing as how your boon is curse enough. Ninja'd AGAIN. *grumbles* Granted. Your bane is that while these are technically on the 17th Shard (since they're in my post here and we are on the 17th Shard's website currently... *double-checks URL* Yes, we're on the 17th Shard ), you'll have to be creative if you want to use one in particular rather than the entire bunch in one big table of emojis. ... I wish for a perpetual motion machine.

Granted! You now have narcolepsy, along with an uncontrollable urge to prove undeniably to everyone when you first meet them that you have narcolepsy. You carry around a folder stuffed with doctor's notes that verify your narcoleptic status for this very reason. Fortunately, this folder fits very nicely inside the many, many pillows that you carry with you everywhere you go. Your bane: you now have narcolepsy, so even though you can (usually) fall asleep whenever you want, sometimes you fall asleep when you don't want. This makes driving a vehicle very dangerous, among various other activities (extreme sports, moderately-treme sports, walking up or down stairs, operating heavy machinery, ladders... so on and so forth. Also, bears. Just a general warning: bears). I recommend carpooling, or getting a chauffeur if that's more your style. And bear spray, because, you know, bears. I wish that we have the technology.

Alright! *celebratory high-five to @hoiditthroughthegrapevine* Way to go, partner! That was some excellent competition, @Sorana and Silva ( @Avlis presently, I guess). Both of your roasts were very well done! *vigorous handshake for each* Can't wait to see the Returned names you two come up with! Well, I got a lyrical genius and a graphics wiz rolled into one teammate, so I think I got the better end of that bargain. Thanks! I'm happy with how that one worked out. ...Though actually it should be "lighteyes highbrows." It has better rhythm that way. The "society's highbrows" is a vestigial remnant of my rough draft that managed to evade my proofreading and sneak into the final version. ...I'm going to edit that, for my own peace of mind. Thank you! I thought it might go over well. Thanks, but don't sell yourself short! Your raps from the first tournament were great, very fun to read. You got this. *thumbs up*

Fantastic raps so far, well done! This tournament is a blast. (Thanks, Ashspren!) Anyways, here I go: (This roast is a direct sequel to Taravangian's roast. Also, credit for the header and the other image goes to @hoiditthroughthegrapevine. Storms, it's great to have a graphics wiz as a teammate. )

Excellent! I'm looking forward to this. Thank you for the invite, and yes I'll sign up! As... a character. From the Cosmere. Mmmhmm. Yep. Uh... Erm... *deliberates* I'll get back to you on that. Sign me up as Sja-anat.

Yay! ...Oh storms, what is this white stuff on the ground? Where did it come from?! ...It can mean only one thing. THE EVERSTORM COMES!!!! Granted! One Nordic drinking horn of infinite eggnog coming right up! It's the non-alcoholic variety because you didn't show any identification to the Nightwatcher, so she played it safe. Rich, creamy, delicious. It also comes with the bonus guarantee that it will never, under NO circumstances, cause your grandma to get run over by a reindeer.* So that's nice. *Nightwatcher & Associates shall not be held liable for any instances of reindeer-related attacks on grandmothers occurring prior to your receipt of this infinite-eggnog Nordic drinking horn. Your bane is that your relatives and friends (and even vague acquaintances) keep mistaking your drinking horn for a powder keg. If you don't keep a careful eye on the drinking horn at practically all hours of day and night, you'll soon find that your previously-delicious eggnog now tastes a lot like saltpeter, sulfur, charcoal, and other gunpowder-y flavors. Hmm. I wish for THE BEST.

Granted! Everything about Pokémon remains exactly the same as it has always been. The sole difference is in the naming: you throw Pokégems to catch Pokéspren. That's literally the only change. Your bane is that every electronic device you currently own, or will ever own in the future, now requires 4 AA batteries to function. Doesn't matter if you have a power cord for it, the cord does nothing for you. Only good old fashioned AA batteries will power those devices. If your device doesn't have a slot for batteries, you'll have to rig it up yourself using cardboard, cheap copper wiring, and duct tape. I'd take some basic electronic engineering classes if I were you. I call upon the Nightwatcher to grant me a boon: Make it snow, please! Just enough for proper snowman-building conditions if it's not too much trouble, Nightwatcher ol' pal, ol' buddy o' mine.

1. I live in the US. 2. I have a 17S account. 3. I am posting in this thread. Voila, parameters met.

Far be it from me to deprive an angry mob of its victim fun.

...When you name your new puppy "Spook" and the name has absolutely nothing to do with Halloween.

Storms, those were entertaining. Great work! But now I face a dilemma:

Granted. Your boon is that you become Goddess of Ink (instead of QueenOfInk ). People now blame you for the outrageous prices of ink cartridges for their printers. Artists and calligraphers love you, though. Your bane is that you always forget to return a person's pen after they let you borrow it, and you end up stealing the pen by accident. Your home eventually becomes a legendary repository for lost writing implements. Intrepid explorers are always invading your house with no regard for your privacy, searching for the fabled Pen a la Multi-Colour. It's really annoying. - - - - - I wish that french fries could be healthy without losing any of their deliciousness.

Sounds good to me.

...Well, which is it? Vasher or Lightsong? Which one will you choose?! THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME. @Ashspren I will sign up as a pinch hitter again for this tournament. ...And if there's not enough people to start the next tournament soon, I might be convinced to sign up as a full contestant... No promises, though. Also... Retired... forever? I like how that encourages a wider variety of Cosmere characters, but I think making the winning characters available again eventually would help this Roast Battle Tournament thread have a longer life-span. Plus, I'd love to see how other people handle Spook's Eastern Street Slang, especially considering how badly I mutilated it in my roasts. (I mean, it was halfway comprehensible at times! Shameful. )

Eh, I think any kind of plot counts. There have been movies and stuff other than books. Spirit of the law vs the letter of the law, and all that. It's about explaining a plot as inaccurately and misleadingly as possible while still being technically accurate (which usually requires a good understanding of the plot in the first place, so I stand by my earlier bad explanation of this thread's plot ). I feel like I have to do a bad plot summary every time I post in this thread, so... Mistborn Era 1 and Secret History:

You have accurately explained the plot of this thread-- in direct opposition to this thread's purpose, you rebel! Allow me... This thread: A bunch of Sanderfans explain times when they perfectly understood a book's plot.

I am now a member of the 17th Shard Tautology Club because I have joined the club on the 17th Shard dedicated to the appreciation of tautology. I'd like to celebrate this occasion by being joyful about this event. And by sharing some famous quotes that have been altered to be tautological, by posting tautological versions of well-known sayings: "I think, therefore I am thinking." -René Descartes "A penny saved is a penny that is in your possession and has not been spent on anything." -Benjamin Franklin "Impossible is a word to be found only in a dictionary that has the word impossible in it." -Napoleon Bonaparte "To be, or not to be? That is the question of whether to exist or not exist." -William Shakespeare "What's in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would not be called a rose." -William Shakespeare "Four score and seven years ago, it was 87 years in the past." -Abraham Lincoln "The unexamined life is a life that has not been studied." -Socrates "Two roads diverged in a wood, and they went in separate directions through a forest. And I-- I took the one less traveled by. And that has made me walk on a path that has less foot traffic." -Robert Frost "Oh, East is East and West is West, because East is this direction and West is that direction." -Rudyard Kipling "Success usually comes to those who succeed." -Henry David Thoreau "What the mind of man can conceive and believe, the mind of man can conceptualize and consider to be true." -Napoleon Hill "Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken." -Oscar Wilde (I didn't alter this one because I didn't change it) "For every minute you are angry, you spend sixty seconds being upset." -Ralph Waldo Emerson "Genius is 1% genius and 99% genius." -Thomas Edison "To expect the unexpected shows an anticipation of something surprising." -Oscar Wilde "Nothing is so aggravating than the feeling of aggravation." -Oscar Wilde "I got carried away doing this, because I got swept up in thinking of tautological versions of famous quotes and lost track of time." -Zath