JamesW

Haha yeah, I've been posting in both threads so I suppose commenting here isn't a big deal. And personally, I too have no problems with the scene, but do know that what Jack said is spot on, it shouldn't be picked up on but it will be. Even if it isn't a big deal, if a reader's first impression of the book is something that stands out to them as maybe inappropriate, they might hesitate to recommend the book to a friend, child, or family member who is younger based on that impression. I ran into the same issue myself with Patrick Rothfuss' books. I loved Name of the Wind, and it is probably my number one if I ever have to choose one. I bought 12 copies of that book to give out as christmas gifts (Plus another 7-8 that I have just given away to friends who I think should read it) but I hesitate to recommend The Wise Man's Fear to some people, simply because some might take issue with the "adultness" of the Felurian sequence in the novel. The problem isn't content, but how people perceive the content, which makes all of the difference. James

Yeah, all of the comments are greatly appreciated, and the first two chapters are probably the roughest, and again the first that I've written. The real eye-opener was my use of "great," after I read that comment I did a quick Ctrl+F of it and I was astounded that I used it so poorly. Probably I'm going to be very self conscious of it, and only use it in dialogue or for "Great Houses" because technically that's how they'd be described, Great vs Minor. I think I'll go through and do a more thorough edit of the next chapters/pages, and just see where it goes from there. I'm already re-arranging the chapters in my head and thinking of how to begin the story stronger. I worked out a very loose outline for the beginning of the book, and it just takes scenes I had rolling around in my head earlier and skips the setup in the first few chapters. There's a good chance that I'll be rewriting these chapters today and focus on the (hopefully more interesting) outline. Since I'm mostly discovery writing this then I would rather start strongly and improve from there, because I've noticed that chapters that start out simple grow into much cooler and interesting ideas as I actually write them. Thanks for the feedback so far though, very helpful (And better then my friends' who just read the same stuff as me, they are all saying "I like it, its good, write more!" which isn't quite as helpful ) James

Yeah, sorry for putting topless in quotes, I think I read through it and mistakenly had the incorrect phrasing in my mind, so sorry about that. I see that you weren't trying to sexualize her in the fight scene, and I support that, It just threw up a warning flag for the YA tag is all. If it were targeted towards a slightly older audience (Maybe I'm misappropriating the YA tag to be younger then expected) then this scene would work perfectly and the scene wouldn't have even sparked a bit of concern. I'm not sure how I would go about changing the scene because it feels like no matter how you spin it, most readers would find a woman fighting topless in the first chapter and it would throw up red flags for them. Unless you shifted the description and maybe neglected to mention how she was dressed? Maybe the main character sees people all dressed this way so it wouldn't be something they would notice, but because he is about to get beaten to a pulp he'll notice her muscles in her arms, or maybe callouses on her knuckles, evidence of a long history as a feared brawler. Perhaps a shift away from the clothing, If women fighting topless is common here, or if it is just customary, maybe he gives a nod to them being dressed according to tradition, "Both stepped into the ring, armed with naught but their fists and the traditional black trousers of the Watch." Something like that might give a nod to their attire while avoiding explicitly describing her. Maybe "His eyes were drawn, not to her figure, but to the callouses on her knuckles, and the lean, ropey muscles in her arms" That might also provide a bit of preparation for the fact that he is a gay protagonist later in the chapter, and make the scene between him and the other boy a bit less forced, as one of the other commenters mentioned. James

I like the premise, and was very immersed until the second page, "chained forest" was a bit of a block. I had to stop and make sure I didn't miss anything, then was trying to find if something was mentioned in the next paragraph. It might be that I'm just reading it strangely and it makes perfect sense in context, or it will make sense later. But content, not typos right. Other then that disconnect (And a single word missing, right as the arrow fire begins) the premise was set up very well. There was a good feel for the setting, and the aspirations of Coil trying to enter into the Watch. I thought the sequence with Coil learning that he could have just challenged Boar to be quite funny. Some other thoughts/suggestions. Perhaps introduce earlier the reason he wants to join the Watch, or hint that there is a good reason for him about to enter into an arena and get beaten to a pulp. Maybe somewhere in the dialogue the comment could be made about how this was a dumb idea, but that his friend understood why he was doing this. I didn't get a feel for the setting, just that he was about to fight for a place in the Watch. You mentioned in the note about this place being one of the last kingdoms of men, maybe some feel for that could be introduced? It didn't feel like I was very attached to the scenario, that it was somewhere cold but could have easily been tribal battles, or a rite of passage into adulthood or some other setting. The fight scene was done very well, I liked the realism, that someone with no experience couldn't stand up to someone who is much more experienced. And the disorientation experienced by a person getting beaten up was quite realistic. Irna seemed to have a bit drawn out dialogue while she was beating up on Coil. It sounded like a thought he could have had, that this was his fate brought on himself. Maybe if her sentence was broken up by blows, maybe light taunting hits meant to humiliate and make Coil realize just how big of a mistake he has made would fit her personality. I liked the switch, instead of "He closed his eyes and called on some well of unknown magical power, stunning her and blasting her back" which is what I was expecting, opening his eyes and seeing arrows was excellent. It was almost like I was expecting the 'Hero draws on wells of power under stress' trope, which I don't have issue with because it can be done really well, but I was expecting trope and got the reaction of "Hey, that's just life favoring this character." Also, if you're aiming for a YA audience, and this is the first chapter, the tension, story and all work great, except for one part, and that was describing Irna. If this is young adult, some parents might read this and want to recommend this to their kid, or read the first chapter to test for content and see if it works. I know some parents who would, upon seeing the description of the female as topless would close the book or not recommend it. The other side of that is that the sex appeal of that is innocuous enough that some might overlook it, and some younger readers might go "Hey read this, there's a topless chick in the first chapter". Maybe that could be changed/moved to later, if it's part of the culture maybe introduce it later in the book, or if its necessary for the fight scene keep it, but "topless" could be "Both wore only a pair of loose fitting trousers, leaving their arms unlimbered." It conveys the same meaning, and uses more words, but doesn't carry the same connotations as "topless does" Those are my initial thoughts and I might have more later, if/when I do I'll post them up. James

Well i was going to use the flashback in place of the father explaining the friendship with the other guy, show not tell and all that. But it'd make sense as a prologue as well. I'm somewhere in chapter six and im already noticing the replies shortening, breaking it up would help, and i could certainly use the conflict to drive the exposition, Im discovery writing through this so there is a lot of room for variation

Yeah i like theories and proofs and the logical arguments that support them. Also choosing cake as the food to dislike should have given me a 50/50 chance of gathering support for it. It'd be better then me admitting that i don't like bacon. Oops.

Thank you Yados, I greatly appreciate it, I had issue with the first two chapters when i was deciding to actually start writing. They were more, I suppose filling the role of ice breakers to the writing process and I probably should have just scrapped/completely rewritten. In theory this was a buildup to the third chapter, which reading through your comments should have come first, as a prologue. The third chapter is set 23 years ago, and sets up the friendship between Kellanath and Tosganril and their reason for hating the empire. There's more conflict, action, and would probably be a better setup. What were your thoughts regarding the prose in chapter two? I think the conflict issues could be worked out, I started earlier in the story then i should have. I could probably have started with the chapter three, setting up the friendship between the two lords, and their reason for hating the emperor. Then start in the conflict, showing why the house has a reason to go against the empire. I think my biggest concern is again, the writing style/prose if it wasn't noticeably awkward or elementary then it should be possible to remedy the pacing and conflict issues.

This is the first piece of writing that I've done and here we have the first three chapters, a very short prologue and chapter one, and a longer chapter two with a fair bit more content. I've received comments that some of the dialogue feels stilted and hopefully I'll be able to work that out when I've got a bit more experience doing this. It is a rough draft and very early so there will probably be typo's/unfinished sentences from editing, or maybe discontinuities, but I tried to eliminate those I found before submitting. Commence destruction of the writing.

Well I made Chessboards to go with the chess sets that I had received as a gift the year previously, I'll post pics of them sometime later this week if you're interested. Also, yeah I'm a math geek, but I'm one of those geeks who hates to actually do calculations, for me thats kinda like cooking, you get a formula (recipe) and some numbers (ingredients) and you kinda mix them all together and what comes out is either right (You didn't burn the pie, yay) or wrong (You cooked something gross, like cake). And I didn't find Brandon's work until he picked up the Wheel of Time series. I'd been a longtime fan of the series, and figured that if they chose Sanderson to finish the series, then he must produce quality work. I was not at all disappointed when I started reading through his work. I also grew interested in writing just from listening to the podcast, I didn't find out about that until late (Season 5 or so) but when I did I started listening to the episodes all the way through. James

Well hello everyone, I posted earlier in the general "Introduce yourself" forums, but I'll repeat some of that here and maybe add a bit more. My name is James Wood (There is no S on my name nor do I look anything like the actor) and I get the question "Oh just like the actor?" at almost every introduction I do. I've been listening to the podcast by these authors nobody has heard of (especially on this site right?) for about a year now, and finally decided to start writing. The podcast was probably the inspiration to start writing, although years of people saying that I read so much that I should write probably helped with that. I'd been kicking around an idea for a book, and am currently discovery writing my way through it. I'm only about 12,000 words into my first, my very first, creative writing endeavor and I enjoy it greatly. Well other stuff about me. I'm about to be a graduate from UCLA with a degree in Mathematics, with plans on getting credentialed and becoming a high school teacher. Favorite books: The Name of the Wind, Chronicles of the Black Company, Every book in the Riftwar universe by Raymond Feist. Listing every favorite book and why would be a novel by itself. Anyways, I hope to be an active part of this community and look forward to contributing and helping others out. James

Greetings! I'm new to these forums, but felt it was time to join up and visit here. About me: I'm an avid fantasy reader (well duh I'm here), I'm a math guy, just about to graduate college and then go teach math, a carpentry person and aspiring novelist. Favorite books (No particular order): Name of the Wind, The Way of Kings, The Black Company books, Riftwar Saga (All of them) Favorite math: Abstract Algebra, Differential Equations, Number Theory, mostly anything where you don't have to compute stuff Did carpentry for four years (Through high school), helped build a house, built a few cabinets, a bed and chessboards. Stopped playing most video games to start writing just recently, hoping to make headway into that front. Anyways, info dump on me complete, just tossing myself out there saying hey to everyone And if the forum name wasn't enough, name is James. Looking forward to meeting everyone here. James