Trizee

I actually did intend that there be no metal in the world. I didn't know that shapphire and ruby need aluminum, but that doesn't really matter, since the crystals in my world aren't the same as their real world counterparts.

Hrathen. Sarene is just plain annoying, and though Raoden is likeable, he's just too perfect to be interesting. Hrathen though, there's a complex guy. He's also very intelligent, and considers everything he does using his intelligence, and not based on preconceptions.

I think Brandon compared it to Canadians ending their sentences with "Eh".

The idea wasn't to explain everything, only to show that there is a difference between the crystals in my story and their real world counterparts. They aren't hte same thing, and therefore behave differently (as you've showed at length). As for the characters, I would like to think that the abundance of them is less odf a problem because they are all unique, but that's probably far from true. I'll try and see if I can cut out some of them. As for the ending, I added a line: "Fen stared at the man blankly. Finally, he thought." Hope that helps. I agree with you that there are some problems withthe crystal swords. They should pose a danger when they shatter, and one superior blade wouldn't be enough to win a war (maybe I'll mention something about making a lot of diamond blades...?) Anyway, I am aware that there are some serious problems with rthe world I've created, and though I'm working on solving them, I'm a long way away from finding an answer, so any helpful ideas would be good.

Here's chapter two. Please realize that I've dropped the comment about Elad being pensive and allowed him to be more impulsive.

Thanks for all this. Prologue- I think you guys may be right about cutting out the prologue, but it is a good way to introduce the world, so I'm not sure yet... Elad- You're totally right for noticing this. I've decided to let his actions speak for themselves and cut out the comment about him being pensive. To akoebel- I was wondering if the comment about the emerald pommel on Adiel's blade explained the way the crystals work a bit. Also the font is Times New Roman, so if you use Word it should be fine.

I don't think its a natural disorder. Everything in the story says it is, except for the point where Kaylina tells him that one of the men isn't dead (the one with the grenade), which he couldn't have known on his own because he didn't see the man until his aspect pointed it out to him.

Can I submit a a chapter this monday? This is the last chapter that I'd written before starting to submit here, so after this I'll be submitting less often.(I submitted last week, so it's ok if not, but no one has asked to submit yet this week...)

I only had a few small issues with this... Stealing- Why are they so afraid of someone realizing they've been thieved- would it be so easy to catch them? If so, it seems like too big of a risk to me. Length- If you're using centimeters, it stands to reason that you'd use meters and kilometers too, not kays. Jorah- I didn't find Jorah to be very likeable. He's basically a thief who is constantly daydreaming and playing at betraying his fiancee. You might want to make him come off as more likeable. Describing his feelings for Violetta, maybe having his dreams include her might help. Also, you have Jorah express feelings towards two other women in this chapter, you might want to cut down on some of that. Hook- It made me want to read more, but it seemed like it came out of nowhere, maybe if you had some foreshadowing...

Ok, since last time I posted here, I read: Belgarath the Sorcerer by David and Leigh Eddings The Enchantress by Michael Scott Polgara the Sorceress by David and Leigh Eddings Lord Foul's Bane by Stephen R. Donaldson The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson The Diamond Throne by David Eddings And I'm now reading The Ruby Knight by David Eddings

First off- welcome to Reading Excuses! I was wondering if this is the first book you've written, because your writing style is very good. Now, for the few problems I had with the chapter. setting: I was rather confused as to the time period the story takes place in. From the usage of a cane, a magistrate, a carriage and more, I assume it is about the level of 18th century or so. Only thing is, the feeling of the chapter was very modern (20th century at least). The way Makaur spoke seemed very modern to me for some reason. You might want to change his speach patterns a bit- what with the sarcastic tone that you don't usually expect form some old times demon. Plous: I thought you wrote his character while he was under Makaur very well. However, as soon as he leaves Makaur, he becomes a totally different person. He switches from a cowed slave to a confident, pompous nobleman who is also a coldblooded killer in a matter of seconds. You would think that being the slave of a demon would have some lingering effects on one's personality. Makaur: I had difficulty understanding exactly what Makaur is. You might want to describe him a bit more other then saying that he has red scaly skin. Also, you use the name Makaur a lot, you could try and call him by what he is, a "katae". That's pretty much it, I really liked the plot for this and look forward to seeing who Plous's replacement will be!

Here's the first chapter of my book, where we meet the protagonist Fen, and not Link (yes, I'm trying to think of a new name for him) as some of you thought. I tried to address some of the issues you guys had with the prologue- both with the writing style and with the concept of crystals.

I'd also like to submit sometime soon,if possible. I've got a chapter ne that I patched up after reading the critiques for my prologue.

Okay, CJ said a lot of the things I wanted to say, so this'll be short. The Forest- I know Fawlen's going to the forest is supposed to show something about his relationship with his mother, but it felt to me just like a way to get Fawlen out of the house for the fire. I wouldn't have a problem if he was doing something interesting (which was what I thought was going to happen when he snuck out), but going for a walk in the forest so he could think just felt like a reason to get him out of the house. Sky- When Fawlen is racing towards the house, you say he's barely dodging the tress. But then how is he constantly watching the sky to check his course? If he has to make sure he doesn't bang into trees, he can't exactly be staring up at the sky. Also, how can he see the sky through the trees? Scream- It doesn't seem logical to me that he could hear his mother's scream from so far away. And- You sometimes use the word "and" in places where it shouldn't be. For example- "Only a small muffled thud and a squish sounded as he landed into a roll on the sodden grass, and it soaked his cloak" You aren't talking about the grass, so you shouldn't say "and". Try "soaking his cloak". Explaining- You don't need to tell us that Fawlen is sad when he sees the fire because his mother is inside. We know this. Oh and having his yell "No!" is just lame. Sorry. A few spelling mistakes- "drink even more of your fowl liquid" should be foul. Fowl is a bird. You also say memory's instead of memories, and finger when it should be fingers.

Ok, first of all, I haven't read any of the previous chapters, but even so I managed to get interested while reading this chapter, even though its chapter 19. I think that's commendable. Since I haven't read what comes before this I'm not going to comment much on the plot, but rather on the writing style. Feel of the chapter: I think you managed quite well to get across the feeling of the destroyed place, and the citizens terror also came across very well- especially in the scene with the two kids. However, I don't think that Black Rose felt afraid enough. She isn't as "powerful" as she used to be, and is faced with some serious enemy, but she doesn't for a moment feel any worry or fear about her situation- though this may just be part of her character that I don't understand due to not reading the prior chapters. Hemlock's weakness:You did a good job of saying how strong Hemlock should have been- which I think was well done, but we don't really seehis weakness- we just have to take Black Rose's word for it. If you could show a fight scene where Hemlock isn't doing well, I think it would add a lot. Ending Nice! Now, you had a few things plotwise that I thought were confusing... -You have Hemlock leaping ahead of the fire to get to the pavilion, but I got the impression that the fire wasn't near Hemlock- The Flamewalker runs out of the path Hemlock just made, and then shoots fire at Black Rose who is just entering the path- so why is Hemlock "leaping ahead of the fire"? It wasn't even shot in his direction. -Also, you say Hemlock didn't know the spears were invested- why doesn't he? can't he see they're glowing? And even if he doesn't, how does Black Rose know that? -When the Alliance sergeant suddenly pressess Black Rose- it isn't really sudden- she's been retreating for a while. -Lastly, when Black Rose uses the Path of Darkness to make herself see only darkness, she can see again a moment later- does the darkness go away? You should explain this. Now for a few grammatical stuff: -You say "No, not flee, pulled, drawn"- I think it makes more sense to say "be pulled" and "be drawn". -"His scorched flank heaved, the beast breathed heavily"- repetetive -When Black Rose tells the kids "Now run and don't look back" you should probably add a "she said" or something.

I hereby present the prologue of my novel The Winter Wars, the first novel in a trilogy I like to call A Clash of Beings (with books two and three tentatively named Light's Champion and A Hope for Stone). In addition to the prologue, I've already finished chapters 1 and 2, and am currently working on chapter three. Now go ahead and tell me how absolutely horrible it is!

Did you ever do something for a reason without thinking of the reason- on purpose? You might do it if you're not trying not to think of it, but then why would you be fumbling with the collar... What you're suggesting sounds rather impossible to me. Keeping something in the back of your mind is something used fairly often in fantasy literature, but I don't think it is realistic, and I would be disappointed in RJ if he used "keeping it in the back of your mind" as a solution to a problem.

Probably Ken Follett's

I'll agree with you that their is an excess of side characters that you can sometimes get confused about, but I think the viewpoint characters are all unique and not all them are bad- only some. Ned, Jon, Sam, Arya, Sansa, Catelyn,and Bran are definitely good people.

I just sent Silk a PM a few hours ago, so I don't know if I've officially joined yet, but I'd like to submit for this coming monday, the 27th.

What would be the name of the Elantris trilogy? Would it simply be "Elantris", or possibly something else? I would ask the same thing about Warbreaker, but I'm not sure a two book series (Warbreaker and its sequel "Nightblood") warrants a name.

I just finished the series and thought it was very good (though book 5 was rather week). I liked the whole premise, especially the idea of auras and elders, and the non stop action made them fun to read. The books do lack a certain depth- character development and the like, but I suppse that's excusable for a YA book, and they make up for it with pure fun! As for the sloppines, I actually didn't notice any discrepancies, but I took long breaks between books, so that might explain it. I agree with Aethling that Scott should have made the Joan and Billy stuff free, but I don't think that's a valid reason not to read any other books by the author. If you liked the author, then read his books, don't give up on the author because you din't like the way he publiciizes himself. I personally don't think I will be reading anything else by Scott, largely because I enjoyed the book more for the premise than the writing or plot. The awesome premise allowed me to enjoy the books a lot just for the sake of the idea behind it, so that the writng never bothered me, but I was more interested in the learning about the world the characters lived in than in what would happen to them. In another book, the premise would be different, so I don't think that I would read it.

I think that the idea of Highstorms being Honor is a good one, what with the comparison to the mist and all. But I don't think that Hoid was refering to him. Hoid says he came to "chase an old acquaintance", which I don't see Hoid doing considering that Honor is shattered- how do you chase down a shattered Shard? Since they don't have a "body/host", how would one chase them down?

I actually really enjoyed the first two Hunger Games books- they were pretty awesome! But the third was just terrible! I think the plot went something like this: Katniss is unconcious, she wakes up in a hospital, she decides to go out to fight against everyone's advice, she gets hurt in the fight, she wakes up in a hospital- over and over again... Oh, and did I mention that the author has one of the main characters brainwashed so that his character is completely ruined, and that the protaginast is quite insane... As for A Song of Ice and Fire, I think Jon, Ned, Sam,and a bunch of other people could be called real good heroes.

I just finished the Malloreon by David Eddings, and I've got to say that it was much much better than the Belgariad. Not only was the writing more mature, it was also a lot funnier. I also recently read Forward the Foundation by Isaac Asimov, which was rather good. I'm now reading Caves of Steel, also by Asimov.