Alderant

Below Zero looks amazing. I love the changes they've made to the format for Subnautica, augmenting the experience of those terrifying depths with new creatures and things to worry about (like weather). What's everyone's favorite creature? I'm partial to the Reaper Leviathan personally, but that's 'cause it scares the crap outta me...

I had a theory that Cryptics are more concerned with quality than quantity. They study, analyze, determine who would be the best Lightweaver candidates, then work to ensure that those candidates progress. They'd rather potentially lose a few spren to get an assured level 5 that they fully understand, than to have a bunch of Cryptics bond people who maybe might fit their designs. And--controversial theory warning--I believe this is because Cryptics are the diametric opposite to Honorspren within the radiant orders. Cryptics are the true "Cultivation" spren--while cultivationspren are the "iconic" manifestation of Cultivation (vines, gardening, etc.) and would say they're the "most like Cultivation" (referencing Brandon's WoB that honorspren might not necessarily be the most "like Honor"), it's actually the Cryptics who are the purest of Cultivation's influence. But it's just a theory. I have evidence for it, but I imagine most will disagree.

I would like a slot next Monday, please.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: For demographic information, keep in mind that I am a white male nearing his thirties, married, with two young children, and come from a background of being LDS, conservative, and with a long history of chronic depression, so these things may color what I say during review. I try to be as open-minded and unbiased as possible. Another flash fiction! Neat. I haven't read anyone else's feedback yet, so I'll amend my critique later as it becomes applicable. Nitpicks: Inconsistencies/Concerns: Critique: Overall, I feel like it's an interesting premise that falls short on its delivery. It lacks the focus that absolutely vital to flash fiction, with the tone starting off with this sense of menace and tension, this apprehension of the unknown, which just suddenly vanishes as she starts climbing the slope and is replaced by really sudden back and forths that break the tension, rather than contribute to it. I never got the sense that the voices were something she was hearing, just something she was recalling. This idea at the end that they were hallucinations didn't really come through at all--I thought they were memories she was trying to avoid. I also don't understand what this story is trying to convey--and I think this is partly due to the lack of focus. With the limited scope of flash fiction, I think more attention really needs to be paid in the descriptions--focus less on describing its dimensions, and more on painting the image. I think that will help. The opening bit was the most intriguing to me--I love a good horror, and the tone presented seemed to be setting me up for that kind of tense, not-sure-what's-around-the-next-corner atmosphere. Especially the bit about the stalactites looking like fingers reaching for her--body horror is an extremely effective tension-building description. But I'm not entirely sure now that that's what you were going for. I also didn't really feel like there was missing information until the very end-- That, I felt needed a lot more build up. There wasn't nearly enough tension, and I didn't understand how the runic sphere being blown out of the column suddenly equated to the child's voice moving from memory (hallucination) to real. It was just too sudden to properly be effective--and honestly, if this is a piece about a mother seeking magic to bring back a lost child--then that should be a heavier focus. We would need more information about her life leading to this discovery, rather than just voices talking to her about it. I feel like a solid revision is in order, but also that it's a very workable piece and idea--it's intriguing, and with a little more TLC I think it could really pop from intriguing to interesting and driving, the kind of short idea that leaves one breathless and wanting more.

But there is still a limit on Truths. Personally, I dont think theres any reason to assert more than the requisite 5, since out of the various "Truths" that are professed, we've only seen 1 have magically binding ramifications. But we are talking in circles at this point, so agree to disagree.

Mm. The question then becomes what constitutes a critical point with regards to self-awareness? Is it the murders or the underlying reason for those murders? I think you could boil a lot of those "similar critical points" into singular underlying problems that need to be addressed.

And this is where you and I differ greatly. Her Truth progression isnt necessarily tied to the people she's killed--just to significant points that are critical to understanding who she really is. Killing her father wasnt exactly a revelatory truth--she had full conscious memory of that. I believe this stems from a fundamental flaw in understanding Truth progression. But thats my opinion Fair enough. Thanks for participating!

The main thing that falls apart here is that that Truth was related to the Shardblade itself--"This was you", combined both the revelation that the Shardblade she killed her mother was Pattern, and that she didnt want revenge. She didnt "hide" a Truth away only to "rediscover" it, because at the event she had hidden away she already had the blade, meaning that shed already reached that level. So the revelatory Truth couldnt have been the third tier Truth. (We also know its fourth, because of the aforementioned WoB stating that Shallan was one level higher than Kaladin at WoR end). Youre right on some regards, however, especially with Radiants creation being exclusively for being a loophole for dealing with the Shardblade. That said, however, in treating Pattern as a dead spren, she effectively nullified her abilities, and so was locked away at that third tier of progression until the end of WoR. Does that make any more sense?

The above refers to Lightweavers progression being tied to needing to reach a threshold of self-awareness. Next, this: I didnt say they dont have a clear levelled progression--I did say, however, that not every "truth" she speaks is necessarily a Truth--for example, as of WoK Shallan was third level. She had a Shardblade. This implies to me that either A) what we have taken to be Truths arent, actually, or B ) the truths she spoke all worked toward a singular event, which was culminated at the end of WoR. Its easy to assume the "Truths" she has spoken are the quanitfiable, correlative Truths of progression--however, as the text demonstrates in the very first pages of the Way of Kings, this clearly isnt the case. We do know that the truth spoken at the end of WoR was a Truth, because it is magically binding and unforgettable. We havent seen that same level of ramification from anything uttered to that point. We also know, however, that Shallan resorts to extraordinary levels of mental gymnastics to side-step what she doesnt want to think about. Finally, I think this one is enlightening in that it talks about how much more difficult it is for Lightweavers to regress (and also progress), indicating that progression is more involved than simply speaking a few words.

For me, its because it comes off as extremely derivative. Star Trek's probably the most well known sci fi experience, and its most recognizable engineer is a Scottish guy, so having your only Scottish guy on the spaceship be the engineer is unfavorable. Because not only is it cliche, but it draws an immediate parallel to Star Trek in a way that makes the author seem to be lacking creativity. Or at least, thats my opinion. Unless its Trek fanfiction. But thats an entirely different beast.

Oh, its not fishy. The fact that she doesnt have her armor should tell you something about the state of her progression.

@kais go ahead. @molah can have my spot, mine isnt going to be ready for monday. Had to go back to the drawing board (it was a test passage to see if I was on track, but a recent change I had to make effectively nullifies it, so...)

@Gderu it's nice to see someone taking an interest in Shallan! If there's one thing that draws me out of the woodwork, it's discussion about my favorite character. That said, there are a couple of misconceptions here in the thread that I'd like to clear up. Keep in mind that I am at heart a character analyst, and not only is Shallan my absolute favorite character in all of literature, but I've done a lot of analyzing of her, specifically, over the course of all three books. To the first point, the WoB you're referring to is actually from a long time ago (back in 2014) but it does indicate as you surmise that as of the end of WoR, Shallan was at the equivalent level of the fourth oath of knight radiancy. I say equivalent, because Shallan, as a Lightweaver, doesn't speak one Truth per oath level--she speaks a bunch of lesser truths to approach a level (threshold) of self-awareness, which level I gather is achieved with an ultimate Truth or pinnacle-like revelation. And this is absolutely vital to our understanding of Shallan and her progression, because she's absolutely nowhere near ready to speak that fifth-level truth yet. I know that there are many here who will disagree with me on this point--to that, I will counter you with the fact that Shallan never accepted the Truth she spoke at the end of WoR. Since WoR ended, Shallan hasn't progressed in the slightest. In fact, she's done the opposite. All of her problems in OB stem from the fact that she spends the entire novel finding ways to hide and run away from the Truth she spoke--and all of those Truths spoken up to that point were approaching the threshold she crossed there. By all knowledge we have regarding progression, Shallan should have Shardplate by now. She doesn't, because she's done the Lightweaver equivalent of what Kaladin did in WoR. Because of this, I think that rather than asking what her fifth threshold might be, the better question would be to ask what steps she needs to take to progress from four to five. Moving on, you bring up a couple of interesting quotes from the text that I actually think are related to her fifth threshold. Rather than a Truth about the Unmade, my proposal is that her fifth threshold is an admittance that the things that have happened aren't her fault, that she isn't the horrible person she thinks she is. Not only is this more integrally tied into the Lightweaver's progression being tied to self-awareness and understanding, but it's also much more organically related to her plot thus far. Could an Unmade have been a part of why things fell apart? Certainly. There's even a WoB, I believe, that says that there was something abnormal about the state of things in the Davar household. Thus, our proposals are very similar; one of the big differences, however, is in the focus of the Truth itself--being about an Unmade puts the focus on an external source, whereas being about Shallan accepting that there was an external cause and therefore she isn't at fault...that puts the focus on her, which is much more narratively consistent. As I've just explained, this isn't accurate either. The point isn't that her truths change with age, it is that she has a journey of self-awareness and discovery that she is in the process of. The ultimate level, that "fifth" Truth, will be the final one she has to utter because it will be the one that is closest to the heart of not only who she is, but the truth buried beneath the mountain of lies she's lived under. EDIT: Also, the WoB Gderu referenced directly contradicts the idea that she'll never stop speaking Truths: One of her truths approaching her fourth threshold was "I'm terrified." They're not all about things in her past, just things that are integral to understanding who she is, at the core. And I'll explain why that's the case later if necessary--but "I'm terrified" is a very, very deep admission for Shallan, as the Cryptic says in WoK: Granted, this scene can actually be used to support Karger's argument because at the moment, she actually is terrified! But it goes a lot deeper than that, which is one of the reasons it's a suitable Truth to be mentioned (though not a "threshold" Truth). It is a truth (for many people), but it isn't a Truth. I have to be careful how I say this, because this is a tricky passage in the text--but as of yet, "I can be happy" wasn't spoken as a revelatory truth--it was spoken as a means of convincing herself that she was making a good choice. And that makes a huge difference, especially to our dear Unreliable Narrator. The last "Truth" she spoke was at the end of WoR, in the scene where she was forced to remember that Pattern was the shardblade she used to kill her mother. I can go way further down this road, but for the level of discussion here, I feel it's sufficient to say that Shallan's Truths are much deeper concepts--accepting she can be happy is certainly an important development and for once I actually agree with @CrazyRioter when they say that it might be related to that fifth threshold. But Shallan has a lot of work to do before a statement like that can even approach being a Truth with the necessary gravity and power.

Same.

Id like to add Sabaa Tahir's Ember Quartet to this list, as it also accomplishes this through the inclusion of Muslim and mideastern mythologies and cultures woven into the worldbuilding and narrative, as well as maintaining an epic scope that is built on through each book. And I second almost everything said with regards to epic fantasy as a genre--Id also like to add that there is generally a greater focus on political turmoil as opposed to adventures or quests, and that the plot usually involves conflict spreading across multiple threads and nations.

My only point was that such a rigid, black and white outlook on the Orders leaves very little room for flexibility, and as @Calderis point out, locks characters into a singular progression path per Order. Brandon himself has said these are in-world concepts and not necessarily indicative of how things actually work. Further, Vorinism involved a lot of revisionism and reductive history. I would absolutely never take Vorinism as a sole valid source because of this--and there are in-world characters who wouldnt either. As I said, take it with a grain of salt.

It's not just how other characters react or act--it's how you present the character itself. If the character is clunking around, giving one-word sentences and clearly doesn't have any understanding of grammar, and then runs at a shed because they hear a cat and is threatening to knock the whole thing down, that's displaying some significant bias on the part of the author. If you want to portray neuro-atypical people, then don't be insulting in your depictions. Stormlight Archive is built around this concept, and Brandon handles this really, really well. I'd recommend going back and reading it with a critical eye to see how he handles ideas like depression, addiction, and a whole slew of issues in a respectful and meaningful way. The bias toward neural-atypathy. Your mentally challenged character is a buffoon, and others make fun of him. It's not respectful, it's a caricature, and that's a real problem. If you're not sure why what you've written is wrong, then I would recommend doing more research into emotional, mental, and personality disorders and speaking with people who have these issues before including them in your own writing. So, I had no idea you were hispanic yourself, but keep in mind that in most of the western world, there's a lot of stigma around people of color being servants because of the connotations with slavery and minorities being forced to work for little to no benefit. Since excepting J, there's no one else with a distinctly hispanic sounding name to counter-act this, it sounds like you're putting a minority figure into servitude...which is problematic. If you want the main culture to be hispanic, than go to your world and use hispanic names. Right now, there's no indication of any kind of race (excepting J & Gen Y), and most of the names you use are generally kind of european variants, so the ethnic names and descriptions carry the wrong connotation because there's nothing to tell us the opposite is true. At least, that's my opinion. I'm more on the traditional side of social forwardness in writing, so more forward writers here could probably explain better. Try describing a white person with food and that might help you figure out why. It has to do with treating other people as equals and not something to be consumed, but this isn't a strong suit of my writing knowledge. @kais and @Mandamon could probably clarify this better. Then don't italicize it. If it's a universally recognized object, there's nothing special or unique about it. As a side note, I might recommend finding a different word, since futbol is actually a loan of the word "football." Generally, if you're writing fantasy you want to avoid drawing real world comparisons as much as is possible, because it breaks the immersion of being in a fantasy world. I've seen numerous fantasy stories have soccer in them, but they don't call it soccer and don't refer to it as a soccer ball. This same thing kind of applies to yoga--which, for example, is in the Wheel of Time! But it's not called yoga there, it's called Posing, and its something shea dancers do for the Seanchan Blood as a kind of show. That said, when you write fantasy that takes place in an altered version of our world, these terms are absolutely fine to use. But in non-earth fantasy, they generally aren't speaking English and Spanish and generally aren't going to use the same terminology we do. Does that make sense?

If no one else wants a slot next week (6/10), I'll take an open one. If there are others who want in, I can wait--I don't mind. Basically, if there are five other people who want to submit I can drop off to make room, but if there's an empty slot I'll take it.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: For demographic information, keep in mind that I am a white male nearing his thirties, married, with two young children, and come from a background of being LDS, conservative, and with a long history of chronic depression, so these things may color what I say during review. I try to be as open-minded and unbiased as possible. Welcome back! Glad to see you've made some overhauls to the chapter. Let's get into it. Inconsistencies/Concerns: Problems: Critique: Overall, the chapter reads much better. My attention was gripped much better and I didn't find myself skimming nearly as much, so you get a lot of props for that. There's a lot more that happens in this chapter, which is also a plus. It's a good revision. That said, there are still some glaring problems. One, is there is a lot of immaturity. Girls squealing over kittens, "Princess Doody", "they're so cute" are all so recognizably tropey that they're bordering on showing the author as immature, which isn't something you want. You can convey immaturity in characters in a lot of ways that aren't quite so overt, but still convey the same thing. Another issue (and this is a HUGE one), is using neural-atypathy as a punch line. It isn't funny, not even for a second. There are millions of people in America alone--let alone the world--who struggle to be recognized as of equal value because their brains work a little differently. If you want to portray a character that isn't so smart, there are ways to do this that aren't offensive. If you want to portray mental illness in proper light, that's fine. But the minute you stray into making fun of these things is the minute you start becoming a bigoted jerk--which again, isn't something you want to do. If you need help or have questions, ask. There are many people on here who know more about this and would love to help you avoid these pitfalls--myself included. Finally, I really need something in this story that is unique. What we have so far is a lot better than what we had previously, but it's still very generic. There is nothing compelling about the world to grip me (partly because I've not been given much information about the world itself), the MC is an immature girl (I'm a man nearly thirty), and the magic is seemingly just people whose social class dictates what shape their light takes. There's nothing to really sell me on what makes this story stand out, and so there's nothing to really hold my interest for the long haul. Agreed, generally. Hard agree. I think so as well. Keep at it.

Happy to be corrected. I don't have a working acrobat on my computer. Personally, I hate PDFs because they are really difficult to work with if you don't have acrobat (they don't open very well on my phone, either), but the rules are the rules--and it's been a while since I've read them. That's also why it's in the nitpicks--it's something that doesn't work for me, and something I'll always complain about. I'll just change the 'we's' to 'I's' (I'm used to professional dialogue in communications, so we = I to me) so that any confusion is cleared up. Thanks for the reply.

Not to throw soil on a budding fire, but keep in mind that many of these comparisons are in-world, religious assignments rather than actual aspects of the people in the orders. Some may embody those aspects (such as Kaladin being protective and a leader), but as with any in-world idea, take it with a grain of salt that what they understand in-world isn't necessarily what it actually is.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: For demographic information, keep in mind that I am a white male nearing his thirties, married, with two young children, and come from a background of being LDS, conservative, and with a long history of chronic depression, so these things may color what I say during review. I try to be as open-minded and unbiased as possible. Hello, @The Kraken's Daughter and welcome to Reading Excuses! Since it looks like I might be the first one to post, let me just congratulate you on your first submission and give you a little idea of what to expect. In Reading Excuses, we love to dig into submissions and tell you what works, but more importantly what doesn't, or what glaring flaws might be present that could otherwise negatively impact your piece. Sometimes, our critiques might seem harsh, but know in advance that we are harsh lovingly--if we didn't care or if we thought nothing of your piece, we wouldn't go into the effort to sitting down and trying to tell you what doesn't work. Take our criticism--and our praise--with a grain of salt, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask! Many here are published authors (even if self-published), but many more are in the process of trying to get published, so there are a wide variety of experience levels for you to draw from. Also, I'm Alderant! I'm kind of known for a few things, both on the Shard proper, as well as in here. First, I'm very longwinded. I try to be as thorough as I can be, though that can be difficult sometimes if I get distracted. I tend to use spoiler tags heavily, not because I'm hiding something, but because it helps limit the amount of visual space I take on the forum page (you'll see why). I also have a habit of being a bit harsh when it comes to feedback. Sorry about that in advance. To begin with, let me explain my general formatting for critiques. I have three sections: nitpicks, inconsistencies/concerns, and problems. Nitpicks are things that don't necessarily impact the story at large, but are something that personally does gel for one reason or another for me. Inconsistencies and concerns have largely to do with content, whether or not something seems out of character, falls into a common bad fantasy mistake, or any number of general writing errors. Problems are things that I feel need to be reworked. Not all critiques need all three of these sections, but some do. Finally, I recognize this is sci-fi. I haven't read nearly as much sci-fi as I have fantasy, but where I might have lacked in reading sci-fi, I have watched and played a ton of it, and many of the same principles apply in noting quality sci-fi visual medium, as literary. Now that that's said, on to the critique. Nitpicks: Inconsistencies/Concerns: Problems: There are a number of problems within this piece that contribute to an overall lack of anything interesting actually happening, but I want to focus on four in particular: Critique: It seems like the majority of your familiarity with sci-fi (based on my reading of this) extends from Star Trek--and if so, I would really suggest you explore a lot more sci-fi. Sci-fi is a rich genre with endless possibilities--from Interstellar War, to unfathomable technologies, to "Going where no man has gone before". If you do have more experience with sci-fi than just Star Trek, then I would recommend going back and looking at what these other sci-fi experiences convey and accomplish. Think about the larger picture, and not necessarily what happens, specifically. Your piece, at its heart, needs focus. With so many things that could happen within sci-fi, we need something to attach us into the story and make us care, first and foremost. In a large, multi-book space opera, you can afford several different things happening like you have in here, because they can be seeded and handled in individual volumes. In a short, 4500-word story however, focus on one idea, and develop it to fruition. Make us care about the characters so that we feel invested in the story. Show us the world the story takes place in--if that's the ship, then wow us with the ship. If that's a planet, expose us to what's different and tantalize us with details--not too many, but enough to get us wanting more. And now that I've ripped your piece to shreds (sorry), I want to offer you some praise. You have interesting ideas here--ideas that I really do want to know more about. I want to know more about this star. I want to know more about these aliens you've created. I want to know more about this universe. Take your time, explore, and really show us what you envision in your head--it's sci-fi, after all. And I want to leave it at that. I know this is harsh, but I'm hoping that, with what I (and the others here) say, you can take that information and go back and bring us something that wows all of us. I, for one, am looking forward to it. Good job on your first submission!

Great! What are you writing? Out of curiosity, I mean. Not because I'm demanding or anything, I was just curious what to expect.

I saw on your manuscript you were from Scotland! Always wanted to visit there. And thanks.

I'll do my best. I'd rather be a resource than a drain, anyway.