Vreeah

Also going for the 14th if it's open.

Oh shoot, good point. Yeah we need a signal fire. Or a stickied thread. A signal thread.

While we don't have access, though, one of us can automatically forward monday's incoming submission emails to the email addresses of the newbies. A temporary solution until we have access again or reset the system.

Hm, first thought that comes to mind is the modern BBC Sherlock Holmes series. Other television shows, as well. I especially like bits of story on television where what is shown on screen is the scene that a narrator is describing, while the narrator is in a scene of their own. I believe there's a common theme of how Sherlock reacts to clues. He would tell or envision what happened for that clue to exist, and the story gets its best sparks of additional conflict when he's off about something. How things are resolved as they discover more of the pure truth tends to be the most fun parts to watch. So if I had to speculate, I'd guess the basic outline would unfold sort of like what I've got spoilered below. I loaded it with some details and tropes. Hopefully some will be of use to you as your ponder and build your story.

On that note, it's time I get back on the writing and critiquing horse. I think I've spent long enough being burnt-out.

US of America (American) - France (French) - Argentina (Argentine) - Mitanni (Mitanni, though the people were also Hurrians) - Britain (British) - China (Chinese) Shinchian - Shench - Shinchine - Shinchi - Shinchish - Shinese

This has been a hectic month. Have all my Septembers been like this? I'm not sure. In any case, there's some variance in this week's submission. I am trying to focus on finding the best way to express character. Do they seem consistent? Thanks for reading!

Throwing my name in for the 19th.

Thanks for all the feedback, everyone! It was a pleasure to hear from you all, and I now have a much better idea of how to improve. === @Tariniel I'm glad you enjoyed it! Huh, didn't expect such similar names. Once I have the time, I still need to hit up Hobbit's story before I move on to this week's submissions. Pg1 - I get what you're saying. I'll probably tone down Ellis's part in the melee, though it is important that I emphasize Sofia. Pg 2 - Good points, pun intended. Pg 3 - Admittedly, the hand slam was more of a focus-switching sentence than a strictly needed action. Lazy writing on my part, there's likely a much better way to do it. Pg 4 - Hm, noted as a place of failed conveyance. The only dreams that were absorbed at this point were supposed to be the broken remnants. Pg 5 - Awkwardness also noted. Pg 6 - Alrighty. Pg 7 - Gotcha. Hm, I am aware of said bookisms. I'll proofread for unnecessary ones. Pg 8 - Ah, right. I cut a dialogue bit that mentioned safety rooms to do the cold opening, but didn't introduce the information later. O - Very helpful! === @Ernei I'll put that down as a plus for the cold open, good to know! Mm, spending more time on introducing characters might do me some good. Sounds like a good reader question to answer as early as I can. I'll make the reveal for the mass-awakening justification a higher priority. You know, I never got the hang of how to immediately convey target demographics. Maybe I need to wound an inexperienced sentry, possibly Ellis since he's so squishy, but probably someone else so that I don't spend too much time on the wounds after the opening. A mistake I suspect I've made is to develop a friendship before giving more information on the main characters, even though the dialogue was originally intended as character development. I need more chapters before I introduce one of the overarching conflicts. Noted. Sounds reasonable. Will do. Extra chapters inbound. And yes, this weak empathy is probably the result of badly paced transitions. Good calls. === @Mandamon Agreed. My pile of reference material is also shorter, which is nice. Must destroy unnecessarily passive sentences at all costs. Well, most costs. Pg 2 - Whoops. I'll imply the character entrance before that part. End of ch 1 - Fair. I didn't truly need the spider at this moment, I just needed to introduce a few powers I'll be putting to use later. I'll reorganize. Pg 6 - That's actually pretty in line with the impression I wanted to give. Pg 7 - Ah, nope, I have messed up describing their positioning. I'll make the distance between the siblings clearer. It's not hard to be a sentry, but it's probably being shown as easier than I intended. Will attempt to fix that impression. Sofia's fine. Just a flesh wound, as some knights might say, though Sofia can say it with more honesty. It does look like Ellis is coming to the rescue, though, which I hadn't intended. Need to rewrite this part. Then I'm on a better track. I'll start reinforcing it some more. === @kaisa So many thanks for all your help so far! Those LBLs are enormously useful. O - I'll actually need to tone down the battle. I was using it to introduce devices for later, but I stretched it more than I needed to. Character building is definitely lacking. I missed that mark by quite a bit. Ellis and Sofia are my precious co-protagonists. Refrigerators/ice houses are solely for their food. Opening - Drats, will revise this for more immersive effect. Pg 1 & 2 - Noted, will retake the missed character introduction opportunities. Pg 3 - Going to cut the spider, actually. I'll have other moments to show off the extent of dreams. Pg 4 - I'm going to need to make a list of all these targets I didn't shoot character arrows at. Pg 5 - I think a cat dream roamed through my head and sat on my mental dictionary. Will add more relevant words and make the descriptions more immersive. Pg 8 - Did not actually mean for that to seem romantic. Hm, I need more friendship modifiers, whatever those are. Pg 9 - Got it. === @Hobbit Hi Hobbit! Aye, I need to move on from the violence and step into the peace in better ways. Yeah, the kids wake up and either interact with the dream, interact with the internal sentries killing any risky indoor dreams, or look out their window and watch what's going on. I can't express that whole thought from Ellis's viewpoint, but I'll get some snippets in and tone down his fighting activity. I'll focus on Ellis, Sofia, and Rima for their characters. The overarching conflict can wait a bit as I establish all this stuff, though I'll drop a hint of it in the first chapter so that the plot doesn't take too long to get people moving. === @M.Puddles I'm going to do this backwards, just to make sure you get your feedback first. It was indeed helpful. First impressions are always great. I believe it's the closest representation to what potential readers are going through, so it's something I focus a lot on when I'm considering any revisions I need to prioritize. I'm fine with the vocabulary and grammar help, but I'd say it's the least useful of the list. At this early stage, I tend to make big changes in response to notable points. Those changes sometimes overshadow the single sentences or words that are brought up. True to this group's origins, I see you have a foundation of your feedback based on Writing Excuses. I see Brandon's three character sliders, and it was a good reminder. I seemed to have dialed Ellis's competence up too much. I focused entirely on the battle he took part in, and didn't describe the ways other sentries outclassed him. I still might not include the other sentries, since they aren't immediately vital, but I can tone down Ellis's apparent skill at his new job. A belated welcome, by the way. I look forward to seeing your work in this forum. === @Coop Hi Coop! Haha, yes, I am a bit in love with my own titles. I don't think it's healthy, but it works. Hearing that you've enjoyed the submission is a big boost to morale, and I hope to continue to trend.

ASD Ch 7, received it without any problems. Normally, I actually don't get an email back when I send everyone.

Hm, this'll be the first time I've seen this story. First thought, I have no idea what's going on. Shouldn't be a surprise. There's a triple penalty hitting me over the head. One, I'm showing up in the middle of something, so now is a time for catching up and guesswork. Two, there's a mix of new terms and situations that I have no clue how to balance, though it's more an effect of sci-fi where everything has advanced half a step out of familiarity. Three, pop culture, my forty-first greatest enemy. Now then, since I'm finished justifying my confusion, it's on with the decisions. === Ep14 Of these three, I shall say that the second is my favorite. Quirk's terribly alright. Pie's a load of fun, crude jokes. The big and wimpy guy reminds me of some office coworker that you wave a hello and goodbye to on each work day. He's one of those type of guys you wouldn't try to find as a friend, but would declare as "pretty cool" if you got stuck with them. === Ep16 First one: Two folks are in someplace. They're well dressed. Oh, one's an android. Is it just this dude talking? I think it's just this dude talking. Who's the talking dude? It's the future. A lot of time has passed, but not too much has changed. Data goes in the body, probably. The speaker isn't refined. Mood is... how would I describe it? It's like I'm listening to an old man saying, "Yeah, yeah" as dismissively as he can muster while still caring a bit. Second one: They're in a spaceship. It's a crappy spaceship. Teeth can be grown. They're not good at communicating to each other about what the heck is going on. They entered Earth's atmosphere not too long ago. Third one: Punk. Brat. Religious setting with a person that cares very little. Orphan in a place she doesn't want to be. Old style, possibly the equivalent of Amish. === Ep17 No idea, so I'm just gonna brute force this. Information downloaded directly into body. The transitional period between robots and androids that you can't distinguish from humanity—androids that are almost there. AIs, AIs everywhere. Honestly corrupt cops that aren't really but might've been. Sadness is taboo

1. Is the battle scene boring? Hm. I'll say yes. For me, there are two reasons why. The first is that, since it's still so early in the story, I can't identify proper nouns immediately. The unit types are not familiar enough to me for me to visualize them clashing together. Secondly, the second half of the battle was more of a summary than a fight. I saw the order being given, the action being started, and the enemy reactions in the aftermath. I did not see bombings or raids happening, I just know that they did and they apparently worked. Everything ended abruptly. It wasn't the type of boredom where I'd fall asleep, though. The battle was short, so the story is moving along fine. If the fight isn't important, I'd say this went fine. 2. New character, Silvanus I get the feeling that this character is being set up as an antagonist. There's no mask or mystery. He is openly nasty and sarcastic, with the description of his speech being forthright. His words are clearly bait for Atena to snap on. I ran into a problem where I'm not sure what's worse: Silvanus's purposeful irritation or Atena's immediately violent responses. 3. Old characters. Atena is a bulldog, tough and ferocious, both socially and combatively. Eleanor seems to be in need of an extra pair of arms so that she'll perpetually have her hands on her hips as she is being simultaneously supportive and worried. Marcus is a straight man when he's alongside Atena. He's there to point out what's up and wrong, and to hold her back. On the battlefield, he's a matching bulldog, adorably violent. === How are things happening? Magical or otherwise. Why are things happening? Motivations and timelines. I do not know those two things, but I also don't have too many reasons to ask, yet. The current system of responding to threats as they show up feels like a rut that Atena is lodged in. I'm waiting for what is going to set her loose.

Alright, let's begin! Ch 6 - Page 1 I'm with ya, Sira. Stick it to the adults! Funny speech and word substitutions. Kid being a kid. Ch 6 - Page 2 Yay, the return of the favorite pie! The mean spirit in Sira's head is an evil overlord waiting to happen. Ch 6 - Page 3 Oh, am I getting the impression of an otherworldly path? Grandpa, you must believe harder. Also, those warnings about the deathly river seem destined to fall on deaf ears. Ch 6 - Page 4 I thought Sira would complain about being unbearably itchy instead of asking about dangerous forest stuff, but that's fine. Questions about dangerous people or things in the forest sounds like a bigger red flag than it's being treated as. Ch 6 - Page 5 Huh, the distances turned out to be farther than I expected. Ch 7 - Page 1 Imagination battle! Yes! Pfft, remembered their honor indeed. I have not expected this, but I'm okay with it. As long as it doesn't read Disney levels of spontaneous song. Ch 7 - Page 2 Lost it a bit there. I think it was the line mentioning "To any observer..." that broke me out of the moment. In any case, doom approaches, again. Ch 7 - Page 3 Oh, that was actually pretty terrifying. Grating static, ugh. Hate imagining that, which is good in this case. Ch 7 - Page 4 Grappling hook has entered the scene! The crowd goes wild! Whoa, that's a dangerous way to take off. Hopefully the suit has a flying feature. Oh yeah, the story is called clouds. Did... did she grapple onto a cloud with the harpoon? Ch 8 - Page 1 That's a weird first line. Yes, dead would be a logical conclusion in this situation. Oh, wait, she did grapple onto a cloud? Assuming the estimates aren't exaggerated by her imagination. I am happy with this. This is fun. Ch 8 - Page 2 No Sira, turn the knob the other way! Ahhhh! A dozen hands. That's frightening in its own ways. Ch 8 - Page 3 I'm amazed by the speed and the doesn't-get-tangled-ness of this technology. That's a good name for it. Now you need to figure out what the red lasers do. Ch 8 - Page 4 Ouch. Well, I should expect no less from the girl who shot herself with a harpoon. Someone needs to give her safety lessons. Ch 9 - Page 1 Hm, didn't expect a skip to sleep. Ch 9 - Page 2 Well, I do wonder what's going on, so that's good. === Overall Now that was nice. Some big insight on the suit that was related to the title. I'm enjoying myself. The imagination bit with the samurai got me to connect with Sira more, though there was that slight break as it teetered off in the end. The transitions are better. I couldn't get into Sira's head during the bits where she was working with Grandpa, since both their reactions felt too tame. Sira wasn't in the moment, and I couldn't really understand why she was so focused on the mysteries at that moment, especially since the descriptions of the scene related to how the setting and activities were bothering her. Grandpa doesn't sound like he cares much for Sira, and I would understand if that were the case, but I'm not sure if it is. The ninth chapter ended before I realized I was confused.

And so, here is the first and second chapter of Dreamt and Lost, a story I'm constructing while doing some more research for Jeweled Songbirds. The magic system in use here is looser than the ones I usually go for, so I'm not too worried about how much I might need to explain. The first chapter is actually a rewrite to experiment with a cold opening start to the story. I delayed a few detailed descriptions on how to call magic to action in order to speed things along, so I wonder how it will work out.

http://maryrobinettekowal.com/journal/favorite-bit-william-c-tracy-talks-merchants-maji/

Ditto. I, too, would like to submit on the 5th.

That sounds amazingly terrifying. Discipline and determination, full throttle!

Hm, unless you want each book to work as a standalone, I wouldn't do the character introductions again. If you have new beta readers for a subsequent book, though, I'd recommend preparing some separate summaries on characters and plots so that the new readers have an idea of what's going on. The most I'd expect from a sequel are descriptions on anything that changed. Perhaps a large event that's still lingering in a character mind, or a big change in appearance. A callback to the end of the previous book. Standalone books are nice, and can be described as such between friends, but I think fans of the series would appreciate being able to proceed straight into the next part of the story without reading through the same starting descriptions.

@AuthorityHellas16 Thanks for coming by, AuthorityHellas16! Yep, going to add more hints of magic frequency in the first chapter. I wanted it to be integrated into society, but I haven't done the best job at making that clear. That contraction is intentional, yes. The casual and wilder viewpoint characters will contain it when I am writing them. Formal and scholarly characters will be a bit different. If I can express that well enough without the slight vocabulary changes, though, I might cut it out. There's an idea. I didn't mention the defenses much since Regi didn't have eyes on it. Maybe if I put a building of equal size nearby, or if I manage to rewrite it completely in Riley's viewpoint. Cool, thanks! I'll see how I can refine the issues away. That sword tip bit meant the marbles that landed earlier, the ones that made the small thumps. Looks like I need to reword this. Yes! Success! I am going to balance these naming conventions somehow, even if it's the last thing I do. Annika is the fortifier. Moria is the mother. Yeah, definitely need to get the naming conventions down. Cool, that's half of what I meant to convey. I'll find better words and sentences for the other half. Glad you enjoyed! I'll be doing some more analysis on my characters, and hopefully it'll let me build them up better. === @kaisa Don't worry about it, I've been crazy busy too. Some weeks are empty, and some are filled. Character consistency and environments, gotcha. Sounds like good advice. I shall work on how I can put it into practice. Consequence of not establishing well enough. Sarina flies, and gets paid to fly people around. Oh, I think I skipped past the part where they paid her. Leaving it out might be a mistake. Gah, my bad. Made a passing mention of Annika to reference her being the fortifier. Looks like it wasn't memorable enough to stick. Too big of a jump, I'll need to fix this. Okay, need more descriptions on the scene taking place, and more focus too. I'll add more stuff. I actually originally wrote it only from Riley's POV, but I was afraid it might've been hard to follow, since she herself had a hard time following some of what was going on. I'll need to take some time and compare the pros and cons of the two versions. Ah, looks like I haven't done a good job of displaying Riley's motivations beforehand. Reginald and Moria too, for that matter. That's a shame. Okay, might need more impacting scenes to take place before this plot event. I was hoping the decision to break Riley out would be enough to show that there's horrible history between the two families, but that doesn't seem to be the case. That's true. Riley had been dismayed the entire time, but I made the mistake of not taking the time to show that. This will take some reworking. All's fair in the writing war. === @Coop Cleaning up sounds like the right term. Agreed. I'm being too abstract with the magic, aren't I? More words to the rescue. Crud. The term war hammer brings too many different images to mind, doesn't it? It's supposed to be one of those small, medieval war hammers. The ones no bigger than a person's fist. He's pinned more from the holder's strength than the thing's weight. This needs more words, too. Haha, fair enough. I'll describe the captain's speed with a better tone. Yeah. The relationship between Riley and her parents doesn't seem to be clicking. I'll need to define it a lot better. Thanks, glad you're reading! ^__^ === @rdpulfer I could do with more practice at writing out establishing shots. Mm, it's definitely a weird timing. I need to think of something else for them to do besides talk. Good old Reginald, keeping things concise. === @Hobbit Thanks Hobbit. I'll make sure to continue improving my methods of immersing people into Riley's thoughts. Yep, Annika is the fortifier. I failed to make that connection concrete. Blast, I'll save the hair idea for when the tone is more appropriate. Mm, I shouldn't be relying on hints for the connection between Linnald, Reginald, and Moria. It didn't end up as well as I wanted. Good details to have, yes. That's a good point. Whoops. Complete mistake. Glad to hear! Yep, trying to put more of Riley's senses to use. You got it. Yup, this is a pretty normal thing for Moria to go around doing, and Riley's aware of it. I'll add what I can to make this clearer.

Here we go, from the top! Chapter 3, Page 1 Currently have little idea what's going on. I think they're in a spaceship. Chapter 3, Page 2 Yeah, spaceship. Ah okay, so she wasn't wounded in combat or anything. It's a control system drawback that's getting worse. Hm, she must be really determined. Proud of her new appearance. Chapter 3, Page 3 Eight fingered hand? I wonder how it's arranged. I'd bet it's a 4-4 clamp. Could be more than two arms, too. Experienced and confident leader in the house. Chapter 3, Page 4 Syncing for memories. I wonder what's the ratio for original versus secondhand memories here. Colonized moons, so everyone seems to be high on the tech tier. Bad history between their cultures? Chapter 3, Page 5 It is at this point, at the mention of a past war, that I have become more aware of the exposition. The realization likely hit me because they didn't do anything I recognized as people saying hello. The scene immediately jumped to action, though, so it was a good time to shift. Chapter 3, Page 6 She's getting beaten into a pulp, but doesn't seem to mind. Reckless. Chapter 3, Page 7 This is a rather messy command structure. Feels very personal. Chapter 3, Page 8 Star travel stuff. It seems they salvaged or took control of this ship from elsewhere. Chapter 3, Page 9 The shift from spoken to mental word threw me off a bit. Needed to reread that part when I noticed my impression of the scene was becoming lopsided. Chapter 3, Page 10 Hm, this didn't land for me. I wonder why. First guess is that the innuendo was too subtle for the extreme reaction. Chapter 3, Page 11 I think this reveal of the amount of ships was meant to be more shocking that it is. Feels more like a catalog than a panoramic view. Chapter 3, Page 12 I'm guessing they don't have people to report to, if this information didn't need to get passed on to anyone. Chapter 5, Page 1-2 Backdrop. Some unfamiliar anatomy and frustrated characters. They're not enjoying their adventure. Chapter 5, Page 3 Not a proud captain. Also, are they talking to each other whenever we see their thoughts, or is that little line completely internal? I can't tell for sure. I assume it's the former since we seem to be in the captain's viewpoint. Chapter 5, Page 4 Leader without faith in herself. That should get messy, later. The break seems to be a good call, at least. Chapter 5, Page 5 I feel like permission should've been requested from the captain in some form before the controller decided to bring up an audio connection. Chapter 5, Page 6 I wonder what the other ship thought about the sputtering improvisation. Maybe they'll pass it off as a quirk of the different language. Chapter 5, Page 7 Ha. Rude buggers, intentional or not. I kind of like them. Nice, peaceful conversation. Nothing sinister at all. Chapter 5, Page 8 How charmingly awkward. Chapter 5, Page 9 I do not yet understand her questions enough to be curious about them, myself. === Hindsight Hm. Gang of misfits in space is what I'm getting from here so far. They have traveled to and gazed upon two planets, but have only had their scenes set in the ship. Most interactions were to establish personalities, relationships, and history. Piloting the ship is a terrible experience, yet our current pilot seems to be the only one that can do it, since the other two never offered to take the reins. She desperately wants to reach their goal location, wherever it may be. Joke guy has jokes and elbow nudging. No idea what he's doing here. I don't think he's much of a medic, and that flight suit wasn't made for him. The pilot is doing all the navigating. He did have a traveling method suggestion, so I'll guess engineer, even though he doesn't have tools or anything else on him to indicate that. Perhaps an unspecialized cadet? Miss captain is jumpy. She is not in much shape to command, and is under a lot of stress. I wonder how they ended up in this situation.

Thanks Robinski! Happy to be of service.

Adorable summary. Makes me sad that I missed out on the first part. Chapter 3, Page 1 Aw. I like how the dread is established. Chapter 3, Page 2 So she had to move out here against her will. Hm, I'm guessing she moved here from somewhere more populated, but probably not urban if she was willing to adventure in the wilds before staying long enough to unpack her things. Chapter 3, Page 3 Instant resonance with character was achieved: character was staying with grandparents while the parent was somewhere foreign. Good times. Chapter 3, Page 4 Aunt and uncle are nearby, cool. Aw, the sadness returns with a vengeance, but was followed immediately with costume awe. That gave me a bit of whiplash. I was still halfway sad by the time I reached the end of the page. Chapter 3, Page 5 Cute. Ha, stud, I guess she idolizes unconditional bravery. No whiplash with this emotional shift to fright. The questions helped set it up. Loving the imagination on her. Chapter 3, Page 6 Oh gods she has gone full nightmare mode. Hm, mad rush of fear aside, it seems weird that she was so shocked by her grandpa's voice. She figured the door already alerted him, so his voice should be expected. Also, I remember that her grandpa's steps creaked away in an earlier scene, and she heard him walk away at the end of this one. In hindsight, it feels off how she keeps getting surprised whenever her grandpa goes to her door. His knock and voice come out of nowhere, but his exit is louder. Chapter 3, Page 7 On a completely unrelated note, I think it would've been funny if the tone shifted again and she walked back out of her room to get a slice of that pie she liked. Kind of disappointed that earlier setup didn't go anywhere. Chapter 4, Page 1 Wow, she's going all out when it comes to avoiding grandpa. Except for when she gave up, which was nice. Also, grandpa got jokes. Chapter 4, Page 2 Detective grandpa is on the case. Oh, that explains a lot. Poor grandpa. Chapter 4, Page 3 Oh gods, and again, poor grandpa. I am now heartbroken, but I can't blame the girl for feeling that way. What do I do with this discomfort. Very nicely arranged relationship situation. Chapter 5, Page 1 I keep thinking this is a superhero suit. Is this a superhero suit? Also, is that mini-harpoon? That's really cool. Chapter 5, Page 2 Oh, or maybe a grappling ho... arrow? Ah, nice, thought came to my head before she dismissed it. Chapter 5, Page 3 Pfft, hahaha. Beware the idiocy of childish curiosity. That's one fancy flashlight. Chapter 5, Page 4 Hm, lost a bit of spirit here. I think I have reached the same level of boredom as the character. A whole lot of new stuff all at once. Chapter 5, page 5 It begins. And immediately ends. Okay. I'm fine with that. Chapter 5, page 6 Ha, that last line was funny. I now know why she did that crawl on a log in the beginning of chapter 3. Makes sense. === General Thoughts That was fun. Viewpoint character seems to be loaded with pure, stupid cuteness. I enjoyed that, it was very relaxing. But yeah, lots of whiplash. She goes though emotional beats like a plate of french fries. Aw, was grandpa trying to bribe her with her favorite pie? The tragedy grows deeper with all this hindsight.

Oh, may I be a buddy? That'd be a fun experience.

Ah, excellent. Now I'm equally lost, and therefore don't feel left out.

I believe it's for the term "Critique Partner". Though I did put a slight bet on "Copilot".